LETS! GO! BUCS! LETS! GO! BUCKS!

Goddammit I hate football. Look at all these losers. Don’t they know that we have no shot at the playoffs? And yet here they are. Sitting here watching a stupid, meaningless game. That woman in the third row is really pretty. She better not be fucking my fiance’.

DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! LET’S GO!

Oh God, I hope somebody picks me up at the bar tonight. Tells me how great my tits look. Takes me to their place and drugs me. Rips my clothes off. Fucks me til’ I pull a quadricep. God, I miss dating. Douglas is a nice man, don’t get me wrong. Good job, nice family, but…he doesn’t really know his way around a woman. Certainly not good with my Grade A tatas. Doing alright, girls? Mmmm, looking good.

B! U! C! S! IS THE BEST! B! U! …

Maybe I should go back to college. Get my MBA, I don’t know. Being a sideline whore just isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be. I could get a different guy to fuck me every night if I went back. Wouldn’t hurt to have some of my own money, either. Not that Douglas ever notices the things I buy to keep myself looking great. Unlike Brooke C., with her mousy hair and whore lipstick. It is! It makes her look like a tramp!

[Bucs give up another touchdown. Fans boo.]

I could go get a temp job. Wait tables someplace. Sure, I don’t have experience, but people like me! And they like my tits. I just wish that Douglas wasn’t so judgmental, because when he finds out I’m fucking both of his brothers he’s gonna shoot through the roof.

Melissa began dancing at age 2.  Over the years, as she excelled in school, her training in classical ballet found a more practical application as a member of cheer/dance groups.  She went to Vanderbilt, where she was a member of the school’s dance team and graduated in 2007 with a degree in neuroscience.

Now she splits time between cheering for the Titans and assisting in neuroscience research, with a focus on Alzheimer’s, bipolar disorder, and Parkinson’s.  For Melissa, decapitating rats is all in a day’s work.

Her favorite place to visit is Queensland, New Zealand, where she sky-dived for the first time.  Her favorite song is the Beatles’ “All You Need Is Love,” and her favorite TV show is “Entourage,” which is unfortunate.

And she totally doesn’t have a gag reflex.  SCORE!

I took this picture of Mariel at a charity event three years ago. She loved cheerleading. And I loved her. 

We met in college at a vending machine. She asked if she could borrow a dollar from me, and I jokingly replied that I needed collateral. She wrote her number in my algebra book, and told me to call her sometime. We went out that weekend. 

What I didn’t know was that Mariel was in the budding stages of a horrible meth addiction. At first I tried to ignore it, I really thought she was just a care-free girl. The night before graduation, she was strung out on meth, and I wasn’t sure what to do, so my best friend and I tag-teamed her under the goalpost in the football stadium. The south one, I think. It might be why she went out for the Redskins’ squad that fall. 

But then her addiction got worse. Pretty soon, everything in her life revolved around getting her Next Fix. All she wanted to was get high. I went over one night to see her, and to get my dick sucked, when I found her laying naked in the driveway, face-down, eating through her own wrist. She had just been kicked off the cheerleading team, she said. Blood dripped from her mouth. I called 911 from my cell phone, and then I drove off. 

And that was three years ago, and not a day goes by when I don’t wonder what actually happened to her. I feel like I should have done more, like I shouldn’t have abandoned her. I hope she managed to straighten her life out. Mariel, if you’re still out there, baby, I just want you to know, you still owe me a dollar you fucking bitch.

Rhonda recently graduated with a doctoral degree in physics from Emory University and, as a weekend diversion, decided to join the Cardinals’ cheerleading squad because it’s the closest franchise to her home in New Mexico, where she works at Los Alamos National Laboratory. There, she is helping to refine the Orion Laser, which is already powerful enough to mimic a nuclear explosion.

Once completed, she plans to seize control of the laser and use it to destroy all of Europe. “Bitches had it coming,” she’ll say.

Rhonda also frequently questions Jason Whitlock’s blackness.