It’s the last game ever in TIXAS Stadium, and as much as I’d like to go on about how much I dislike the 50-foot crown in the center of its playing field, reader Brian had to go and send me this indelible piece of Bawlmer trashiness, the annual singing of “Crabs for Christmas” by David DeBoy and Da Hons. I know the citizens of Baltimore are fond of wearing their innate tackiness as a badge of honor, but I really think it’s them daring us to test chemical weapons on them.

Brian advises us on some highlights to skip to:

1:43: You get to see some kind of crab mascot shuffling around in the back of the hall. Obviously he is your local sex offender who’s been allowed to dress up as a STD and palm it off as community service.

2:08: We get the entire “Crabs for Christmas” ensemble in all its glory. The Honfest pageant winners and the man on the electronic keyboard who puts the Creep-o-Meter right through the roof. Between this guy and the Crab mascot, the pedophiles are beginning to amass inside this shithole of a hall. Also, notice the lifesize Fathead sticker of Elvis on the wall behind the electric piano. Never understood Balwmer white trash’s fascination with the King, but this makes it a tell-tale sign of a Dundalkian White Trash gathering. Seeing Elvis present on the wall is as tell-tale as a cross burning at a KKK rally.

3:40: “The Chrisssmas Whisshle” – enough said…

Oh, but the Cowboys won’t be denied their stake in the battle to be the biggest cornball shitheads, as this week brings soft focus remembrances of a football stadium infused with grating quasi-religious hokum.

No, it’s a meteor hole. C’mon God, this is your last chance!

(Okay, in the spirit of fairness, here’s Ben Roethlisberger, Brett Keisel and Justin Hartwig singing a holiday song called “Neutered Balls.” Goddammit.)

The day we’ve all feared has arrived, friends. Observe this photo a reader sent us from Sunday’s game at M&T Bank Stadium. WHAT IS THAT SCRAGGLY HEAD DOING JUST FLOATING THERE!?

The purple camo pants were bad enough. But now with the purple camo jacket and hood, they’ve completed the outfit. They’re virtually undetectable to the naked eye. With their advances in camo wear, Ravens fans can lurk among us completely unseen! Who knows what horrendous acts they can commit unbeknownst to us.

Observe this seemingly innocuous photo of a couple innocently enjoying a picnic.

Oh, it looks idyllic enough. At least to the untrained eye. But there’s actually a Ravens fan sitting next to them. Look harder. Harder. Squint hard enough aaaaand…See! I told you! He’s just sitting there whispering something stupid like “Move Those Chains” or even complaining about the refs. He’ll swipe your food for his lame Ravens Festivus playoff run feast.

Y’know, when I think about it, Under Armour should really strive to be the official manufacturer of these. What better way to mask all the illegal immigrants they hire.

Beware, Cowboys fans. Beware. For all you know, there may be a Ravens fan behind you at this very moment. Just start stabbing air, it’s the only way to be safe.

Thanks to reader Chris for the pic. Sorry you had to go to Bawlmer to get it.