I cry for this couple’s future children. Hell, I weep for all of us. Thank goodness we’re all gonna be wiped clean from the Earth in 2012. Because, really, once you see a bald, schlubby white groom do the spastic Ray Lewis “dance” to greet friends and family with his Flacco jersey adorned bride at their wedding reception, you know there’s no reason for us to wasting God’s splendors.

Besides a shocking paucity of purple camo, I did notice that this is a crowd appreciative of mediocrity (guess they have to be), as you can spot two people in Mark Clayton jerseys and another in a Sam Koch. No Kyle Boller for the estranged in-law everyone hates?

Careful about watching past the two-minute mark. It gets a little tender. [stifles tear]

Poor young saps. They never had a chance. At least once they get divorced, you know they’ll just blame the refs.

[Thanks to reader Alex for the tip]

It makes you wonder how Flacco didn’t make this post.

The Browns are hanging with the Ravens through the first quarter, even if that isn’t likely to continue. Making Bawlmer burn their entire complement of first half timeouts in eight minutes will probably be the top Cleveland accomplishment of the evening, not that the Ravens will really need them. Mike Tirico did sneak in a Bert Flacco reference, however, which can’t begin to atone for Gruden dubbing (before even kickoff, mind you) Jarret Johnson “The Anvil,” Terrell Suggs “Clubber Lang” and Ray Lewis “The Master of Disaster” but then with this booth you take anything worthwhile you can get.

UPDATE: Upon further review, I suppose Tirico is saying “Birk-Flacco”. That’s what I get for thinking anyone in this booth could say something halfway interesting.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time gushing over Jeff George’s Uncle Rico-esque comeback tape, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the AFC North, where you’re either running over pedestrians while drunk, getting slapped with rape allegations, ratting out your friends to escape murder charges, or playing for the Bengals and doing all of the above.

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SOON THEY’LL ELECT A UNIBROW TO BE MAYOR. The Bawlmer Orioles Beisbol Club selected Mike Flacco, the younger brother of one Joe Flacco, in the 31st round of the MLB Draft. Before you know it, all Jersey inhabitants will be called upon to save Baltimore sports. However, upon further inspection, Mike doesn’t seem to have as prominent a unibrow as his older brother, but he did play for a baseball team that borrowed the Buzzsaw logo. FIX YO BIRD ALLEGIANCE!

The Wall Street Journal takes a moment away from cranking out my pointillism portrait to remind us that the Cleveland Browns of Baltimore were almost named the Baltimore Marauders, which rolls off the tongue similarly enough to “murderers” to just maybe work. But, alas, the team took the name of a scavenger bird that figured heavily in a famous short story poem written by an author who had little connection to Baltimore other than the fact that he was buried in it. Unless, of course, they took their name from that WCW wrestler, which, while quizzical, but would explain a lot of the sulking of the fanbase. Or Raven Symone, who, like Ray Lewis, started out as a charming little girl, but then killed some folks (I’m assuming. She does work for Disney) and gained way too much weight.

/Charm City looks okay when you’re driving past it on 95
//that’s a lie; it still looks wretched
///has no use for Baltimore other than to make tasteless jokes about Chinasaurus

Joe Flacco, the starting Ravens quarterback and last keeper of the Frida Kahlo bloodline, is auctioning off a signed doodle of himself to support Neurofibromatosis, Inc. It’s a classy move, though the spartan stick figure character has, to date, only drawn a whopping $47 in bids. To further spur potential donors, Flacco decided to snazz up his uninspired design a little bit. Will it work? You be the judge.

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“Also, Can Bounties Be Legal?” The Ravens ask the NFL not to schedule them in any primetime games against the Steelers in Pittsburgh, thus attempting to duck the season kickoff game that everyone expected. BECAUSE THE RAVENS DON’T FEAR NO MAN! WWWOOOOOOOOO!

For all the readers who hate my onslaught of homerism on KSK and want to see me get my comeuppance, today may be your lucky day. Because there is no ending to the Steelers season that could be more embarrassing and soul-crushing than losing a fourth straight AFC Title Game at home to the shithead Ravens. 0-16 wouldn’t be as bad. Losing the Super Bowl, while immensely disappointing and painful, wouldn’t be as bad. Ravens fans can explain a loss away by saying where they got was a lot further than a rookie quarterback and a rookie head coach should have taken them. Steelers fans have no such fallback. Well, they can always complain that that Palamuuluu guy wasn’t totally healthy.

But with great risk comes great reward. The Steelers can go 3-0 this season over a hated rival and 2-0 against them in the playoffs. For all the talk of how promising Flacco looks, Ray-Ray, Terrell Suggs and Bart Scott are all free agents this year. Their best receiver, Derrick Mason, turned 35 yesterday (Why weren’t Ravens fans celebrating his birthday? Quick guess: He’s not white). This could be the Ravens’ best chance for a while.

I’d love to be here to live blog it for you (that’s a lie) but I have to brave the crowds in D.C. to hit the bar on the Hill. So enjoy the bloodbath in open thread form. And, hey, the only home win in an AFC Championship Game in the Cowher era did come against a Harbaugh brother.

Why is Phil Simms the only guy in that booth still doing the headline games?

The arms race for most idiotic stunt/promotion between Steelers and Ravens fans in the run-up to the AFC Championship has reached endgame, now that Bawlmer fans can buy fake unibrows to support Bert Flacco, as he endeavors to be the first rookie QB to reach the Super Bowl. But what of the faux Willis McGahee paternity test? The mock Ray Lewis plea bargain agreement to escape jail time? The imitation Todd Heap gimpy hamstring? The apocryphal Rex Ryan shit-eating grin? So much left uncovered.

I’m authentically surprised the anchorwoman didn’t say “The thicker the unibrow, the closer to God.” Guh. Pity Obama for having to stop in that shithole on the way to Washington.

However, little do Ravens fans know, but those things are made out of Haloti Ngata’s pubes.

Here we have some Ravens fans taking advantage of the Tennessee nightlife last weekend. I’ve always found the idea of grown folks wearing jerseys to be endearingly dopey. My OCD being what it is, I inevitably find myself checking the numbers to see which players are overrepresented and the most obscure jersey in the group. Along those lines I was able to Jersey watch: Derrick Mason, Two Ed Reeds, Joe Flacco (wisely trying to stay out of frame), Bart Scott (dedicated to Clare, who asked for fat & ugly), Ray Lewis and I think I even see Ray Rice bopping around in the back at one point.

Since they made the long trip to Nashvegas, one has to assume that these fans are some of the more hardcore Ravens followers plodding around the dance floor like some sort of Cretaceous period mating ritual. And while that may not speak particularly well of Ravens fans, I would rather be in the bar with those guys than in your run of the mill Steelers’ bars. I hear it’s shank or be shanked around those creeps.

[ complete video from Nasty Nestor @ WNST ]