AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA BALTIMORE GATORADE BATHS FOR ALL HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF

/hater

This game broke Twitter and for good reason. It was truly awesome. Flacco outplayed Brady and still lost. The ultimate Troll Genius move. Ray Lewis played like dogsh*t and got owned by Nate Solder all game. Lee Evans dropped a game-winning touchdown in the end zone. Bernard Pollard hurt Gronk, even if he couldn’t take him out entirely. Bill Belichick make a host of terrible decisions but still came away with a victory. Best of all, Billy Vanderjagt Cuntwhiff earned my undying love for always.

Flacco may have played above to the lowly expectations he placed on himself, at least after a dormant first quarter, but he missed Torrey Smith on two deep throws. On another where he connected deep with the benefit of blown coverage, he underthrew Smith badly enough to prevent what would have been a touchdown if the pass hit anywhere close to in stride. Then there’s another red zone possession where Vonta Leach could have walked in for a TD but Flacco opted to not check down for the first time in his life and failed. Just something to keep in mind when hear about how Flacco “should” have come away with a win.

WELCOME, 2010 SEASON! It is standard practice that no NFL season has officially begun until the Ravens or their fans – or both – are pinning a loss on the referees. The rule also applies to the Redskins blowing huge leads in deliciously agonizing fashion. Lucky for us that we got those criteria all squared away by Week 2. Some seasons, it even takes three weeks.

The Colts have lost their first playoff game the past two seasons. The Ravens have won the most road playoff games this decades. Indianapolis is 4-0 all-time at home against the Ravens and 1-0 against them in the postseason. Baltimore has the kind of run-heavy offense that, if the team gets the lead, can control the tempo of the game. On the other hand, Joe Flacco is hurt. Even if he were healthy, it’s highly unlikely he could outplay Pey-Pey. And he’ll have to play well regardless.

That intro, laden with irrelevant historical stats and flimsy analysis, is my way of avoiding discussing how ambivalent I am about watching two teams I hate playing with elimination on the line. Just get ready to mock whoever fails.

Hey, someone has to win. Let’s see how much I care.

Just die! Everyone die! In the most grisly way possible. Even you, David Tyree. You outlived your usefulness once you signed with Baltimore. Who am I kidding, we were done with you two years ago.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

This man is Cecilius Calvert, or Lord Baltimore, for whom a failed city of destitute crackheads and tacky white trash asswipes is named. He was the first proprietor of the Maryland colony, though he was also supposed to get all of the Eastern Shore too. It was already taken. He blamed the refs.

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The Ravens announced earlier this week that they’ll be passing out tens of thousands of rally towels at M&T Bank Stadium prior to Sunday night’s blood feud with the Steelers. Being that they’re made by Under Armour, you know they’ll have that special illegal immigrant craftsmanship.

This tactic is far from new; teams do this all the time when the Steelers visit for nationally televised games. Can’t let those TV cameras pick up a home crowd flecked with twirly yellow spots! The Broncos tried to shake up the tradition a few weeks back with orange pom-poms, which was, uh, an interesting approach. Anyway, it’s just particularly hilarious to see it from the Ravens, whose fans, despite failing to grasp the crushing irony of doing so while dressed in white trash fabulous purple camo pants, rant unremittingly about how stupid Terrible Towels are. And it’s true – towels as sports fan accessories are dumb. I freely admit that. BUT NOW YOU TWIRL THEM TOO! Welcome to the club, you unoriginal Old Bay bumf*cks.

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I cry for this couple’s future children. Hell, I weep for all of us. Thank goodness we’re all gonna be wiped clean from the Earth in 2012. Because, really, once you see a bald, schlubby white groom do the spastic Ray Lewis “dance” to greet friends and family with his Flacco jersey adorned bride at their wedding reception, you know there’s no reason for us to wasting God’s splendors.

Besides a shocking paucity of purple camo, I did notice that this is a crowd appreciative of mediocrity (guess they have to be), as you can spot two people in Mark Clayton jerseys and another in a Sam Koch. No Kyle Boller for the estranged in-law everyone hates?

Careful about watching past the two-minute mark. It gets a little tender. [stifles tear]

Poor young saps. They never had a chance. At least once they get divorced, you know they’ll just blame the refs.

[Thanks to reader Alex for the tip]

It makes you wonder how Flacco didn’t make this post.

The Browns are hanging with the Ravens through the first quarter, even if that isn’t likely to continue. Making Bawlmer burn their entire complement of first half timeouts in eight minutes will probably be the top Cleveland accomplishment of the evening, not that the Ravens will really need them. Mike Tirico did sneak in a Bert Flacco reference, however, which can’t begin to atone for Gruden dubbing (before even kickoff, mind you) Jarret Johnson “The Anvil,” Terrell Suggs “Clubber Lang” and Ray Lewis “The Master of Disaster” but then with this booth you take anything worthwhile you can get.

UPDATE: Upon further review, I suppose Tirico is saying “Birk-Flacco”. That’s what I get for thinking anyone in this booth could say something halfway interesting.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time gushing over Jeff George’s Uncle Rico-esque comeback tape, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the AFC North, where you’re either running over pedestrians while drunk, getting slapped with rape allegations, ratting out your friends to escape murder charges, or playing for the Bengals and doing all of the above.

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SOON THEY’LL ELECT A UNIBROW TO BE MAYOR. The Bawlmer Orioles Beisbol Club selected Mike Flacco, the younger brother of one Joe Flacco, in the 31st round of the MLB Draft. Before you know it, all Jersey inhabitants will be called upon to save Baltimore sports. However, upon further inspection, Mike doesn’t seem to have as prominent a unibrow as his older brother, but he did play for a baseball team that borrowed the Buzzsaw logo. FIX YO BIRD ALLEGIANCE!