Here we go: the first of 22 straight weeks of whoyagetting. The Titans come into Pittsburgh hoping to reverse the trend of the defending champ winning every Thursday night season opener. LenWhale started in with the trash talk early this week, vowing a repeat performance of his retarded sideline antics in Nashville last December. The Steelers, businesslike in their approach, can now counter with a fatback of their own, even if it’s one who probably won’t see many carries in the game. They just need one on the roster to satiate the overpowering Bus lust that will linger forever in the ‘Burgh. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Frank “The Tank” Summers____________________________LenDale White

Listed weight

230 lbs.___________________________________235 lbs.

Actual weight

Equal to six pallets of bricks____________________________Seven pallets

Has he been swagger jacked?

Probably needs playing time first______________________________Repeatedly

What will cause him to whip you with a belt?
(Belt used primarily as a weapon – sweatpants are preferred attire)

Skimping on the sausage gravy___________________________________Minor traffic accidents

A glimpse into their humble beginnings as a spoiled chunky white child

Opposition fanbase’s signature keepsake that he can destroy

The legendary Titans “Rally Meth”___Terrible Towel (to non-Steelers fans: stupid gas station shitrag)

Friends with Snoop Dogg?

Nope____________________________He’s actually a“nephew”, apparently

Noted achievements

Only AFC North “Tank” sans arrest__________Possibly once ran for more than three yards in a single carry

Finishing move

Vigorous waddling_______________________________Taking a shot of new Diet Patron

Just to counter those who say I only post when the Steelers win, here’s LenDale White getting all stompy with a Terrible Towel. Yup, it pissed me off far more than the Steelers actually losing.

Still: Stomping a Terrible Towel? In Tennessee? When you’ve never played the Steelers before in your career and will likely see them again in January? LenWhale is S-M-R-T.

With apologies to Kige Ramsey.

The first of the homefield advantage deciding games of the day highlights the early frame, even though NOBODY WANTS HOMEFIELD! THEY MIGHT AS WELL THROW THE GAME! Believe it or not, this is only the third time this year the Steelers have played in the 1 p.m. slot. It almost makes me forget how annoying it is to try to get out to the bar for the early game when you’re already hungover. I hope LenWhale’s not being too premature with his Super Bowl ring plans. The pinky ring request shouldn’t be a big issue with fitters already dealing with his sausage fingers.

Elsewhere, the Buzzsaw travels to Massholia to face a bunch of Pats fans who are on the edge of their seat about seeing whether Mark Teixeira will sign with the Red Sox the team can make the playoffs. Awful nice of New England to try to neutralize their own weather advantage by playing the Yule Log in the stadium.

Also, Marmalard strives to keep his season going long enough to see Cutlerfucker end it during the late game.

I have a feeling that since my fantasy playoff fortunes are hinged on the Saints putting up huge numbers on the Lions (starting Brees and the French running back) the Lions will probably be feisty and keep it close, only to blow it in the waning minutes in what will probably be a 24-20 final.