Christ, this day is going slow. We ain’t even had our second practice yet. Then I gotta go watch film of both practices, download the rest of the staff, and then map out tomorrow’s schedule. I’m not gettin’ outta here until midnight. I know it. Dag gummit.

God, I can’t wait to get home and masturbate.

I really wish that one girl in those tight black pants hadn’t walked by earlier. All I’ve wanted to do since then is tear off my pants and just hammer myself raw. Get myself a piece of ol’ Wade Jr, if you know what I mean. But nooooo, I gotta stay here and do some daggone work. In a glass office, no less.

Shee-ut.

I got no privacy in this complex. Some asshole’s always reading the paper in the shitter. Maybe I can get home for a quick snack or something. No wait, can’t do that. Patty’s home right now with her Garden Club. God dammit. I really need to masturbate. I’m tellin’ ya, I got a hankerin’ for some spankerin’!

I know what I’m gonna do. When I finally finish up all this shit, I’mma hop in my car and speed on home, gently workin’ my knob through my pleated khakis. That way, I’ll be prepared for rubbin’ when I get home. Everyone should be asleep by then. Then, I’ll sneak into the house real quiet and fire up the ol’ Dell. Patty don’t know about “Private Browsing” on Safari yet. So I’mma grab some tissues and download me some hardcore shit. I like the amateur stuff. It feels more real to me. I don’t like all that staged porn. Maybe I’ll grab some lotion too. That makes my hand feel more like a cooter.

The question is: do I masturbate just once? It’s so hard to hold out for that one Texas-sized spurt. I could conceivably get off one quick jerk in the driveway, then have a longer, more-drawn out jerk when I get through the door. That way, I’m not creaming the keyboard within ten seconds. But then I’ll be tired. And hungry.

God, I need to release the fuckin’ floodgates.

If I could just find somewhere private. There’s no way I can get all this cotton pickin’ work done when I need to go masturbate so badly. If could just jerk off, I could finally get on with my day. Maybe I’ll hit a Starbucks or something. They have bathrooms that lock. I could maybe try and massage it under the table during our film sessions. I could think about that cheerleader girl from that one show. She is one dandy piece of trim. Or I could think about the black pants girl. That Angelina Jolie makes a great imaginary lay, but I haven’t seen her lately. I saw a player’s wife walk in here the other day that had her big, juicy rack just sticking right out. Christ, I’d like to get hold of her ass and then just ride off into the sunset…

God, I have to get this done. The film room. Gotta do it there.

But what if someone notices? Frankly, I got so much Wadebutter built up, it would make a stain on my pants the size of a longhorn. Can’t do it.

C’mon, clock. Move! I gotta get this done! If I can’t masturbate, I can’t think of nothin’ else!

Jones: Yeehaw!!!!!!

Oh, fuck! I’m never gettin’ outta here!

Jones: Hey there, tubby! You like Romo’s doin’? Hoo boy, I like that Romo! But you know what he needs? More options! More routes! More formations! I want you to stay in tonight and help design a new trips package for my boy Romo!

I got family stuff to do tonight, Mr. Jones.

Jones: The fuck you do! I didn’t hire you to love your family! I hired you to work! Now work, fatty! Work work work like the little fattykins you are!

Well, I do have to get home and grab some paperwork real quick.

Jones: I’ll have a courier get it for you! By the way, I’m trying out new cheerleaders on the adjourning practice field this afternoon. Make sure you have my boys focused on football, and not all that sweet river Texas pussy next door. Comprende, mi fucking amigo? WOO HOO! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!

Shit. Now I’ll never get to jerk off. I wish I were castrated.

Scoff all you want that Maddenoliday is just another holiday fabricated by Proctor & Gamble in order to sell trinkets and moon pies. I know better. EA Sports and Tiburon are beneficent forces in this world and one day you, too, shall understand.

Madden has become a cultural totem in the sense that people with little knowledge of football and video games can use it as a means to belittle those who do. And we need that. Without cultural shorthand, we’d actually have to try things before dismissing them as ridiculous.

It’s also a pretty fun game.

In the days when I was dewy-eyed, filled with wonder and had disposable income, I would reserve my copy of Madden in advance, not realizing that if you just went to Toys ‘R’ Us on the release date, they had 38 copies available while all the Herbs were clamoring at gaming stores.

But I miss the connection that only comes with rampant consumerism and misplaced priorities. So, to commune with my fellow Maddenites, last night before the midnight release I went to the nearest videogamery, which is the Gamestop on Duke Street in Alexandria, Va.

When I arrived at 10 p.m. to behold the assembled dregs, there were only two guys waiting outside the store. Hardly the throng I expected. One was a short, squat black guy in a Jason Campbell jersey. I thought it might have been the Maj, but he was carrying less than an ounce of weed.

The gate barring the front door was shuttered but you could see the store employees milling around inside.

I asked if they knew whether they’d reopen at midnight to sell the game. One of them said the store would start taking money at 10:10 and people would have to come back at midnight, because the store wouldn’t want to do any of that direct money for goods shit.

A store employee peeked through the gate to tell the guy they were moving it back to 10:15.

“Okay, okay, I’m gonna wait here,” he told the clerk. “So you better open up at 15. ‘Cause if you’re not open at 10:15, I’m calling Alexandria poe-lease and report you.”

After four minutes I decided I’d had enough.

I didn’t take any pictures of the two guys but on the way back I snapped this one of a humorously named Chinese carryout near my home.

Oh, and I think this Madden has gang tackles or something. And a roster update, which is all most of us ask of it. Excelsior!

Jets coach Eric Mangini cameoed on the penultimate episode of “The Sopranos” last night, even earning the moniker “Mangenius” from Tony, which qualifies as clever wordplay in New Jersey.

What you may not know is that this was NOT Mangini’s first TV or film role. In fact, the man boasts an acting resume that would make JT Walsh stand up in his grave. The man has an almost Serkisian ability to inhibit the skin of the characters he plays. The man is blessed with natural acting ability. But he also extensively studies tape of his subjects and other actors from the past. He gets their tendencies down pat, then adjusts his bra size accordingly. Here now, for the first time ever, and with research provided by all six KSK staff members, is Mangini’s impressive imdb resume.

1. “The Sopranos” (2007) …. Himself
2. Transformers (2007) …. Unicron
3. Queens Boulevard (2005) …. Queens Boulevard
4. King Kong (2005) …. Empire State Building
5. Hellboy (2004) …. Hellboy
6. Bad Santa (2003) …. Fat Kid
7. “American Idol” (2003) …. Ruben “The Velvet Teddy Bear” Studdard
8. Fight Club (1999) …. Body Double For Meat Loaf Aday
9. Dirty Work (1998) …. Guy Who Got His Nose Bit Off By Saigon Whore
10. Rushmore (1998) …. Scottish Bully
11. Se7en (1995) …. Sloth Victim
12. Sudden Death (1995) …. Pittsburgh Civic Center (or “The Igloo”)
13. Clueless (1995) …. Black Friend Who Looked Like Stacey Dash But Was Not Stacey Dash
14. A Walk In The Clouds (1995) …. Cloud
15. The Fugitive (1993) …. Romanian Drug Dealer Who Eats Donut
16. “No Rain” (music video) (1992) …. Bee Girl
17. Miller’s Crossing (1990) …. Fat Lady Who Beats The Shit Out Of Gabriel Byrne With Her Purse
18. The Blob (1988) …. The Blob
19. The Naked Gun! (1988) …. Al
20. Stand By Me (1986) …. Lardass
21. Return Of The Jedi (1983) …. Blue Styrofoam Organ Player
22. Monty Python’s Meaning Of Life (1983) …. Wafer Thin Mint Eater
23. The Blob (1958) …. The Blob
24. Around The World In 80 Days (1956) …. Hot Air Balloon
25. 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea (1954) …. Giant Squid
26. The Third Man (1949) …. Orson Welles Playing The Role Of Harry Lime
27. Gone With The Wind (1939) …. Mammy #12