LaRon Landry was a wee bit miffed by the Internet’s reaction to his new-found extra swoleness, firing back with awesomely meat-headed statements like “Damn more men on my timeline than anything…didn’t know there parents raised them as females to hate/criticize another mans perfection.”

Lines like those were amusing enough on their own, but then likely soon-to-be former teammate and Redskins defensive end Adam Carriker tweeted this picture of Carriker mocking Landry’s recent poses in muscle shirts. It’s difficult to distill so much perfection into one image. Not just because the picture is hilarious to us and insulting to noted asswipe Landry. Oh no, it’s more than that. That Carriker’s handle is @BigPoppaPump94 and that his Twitter background still touts his Big XII bonafides from six years ago shouldn’t be overlooked. Get Brian Orakpo off those Geico commercials and let Carriker walk around in undersized shirts selling insurance to people.

Wade: Well, I’ll be. Look at that!

(looks at self in full body mirror)

Wade, you old coot! You done dropped thirty pounds! Gall dangit, that is somethin’. Loooong overdue, I tell ya. I feel great! I’ve got much more energy, and my dang feet ain’t so sore at the end of the day.

I tell you what. When those players see the work I put into dropping this weight, they’ll be inspired to work their keesters off for this season. I think this is a great first step. And nothin’s gonna keep me from goin’ back to the way I was. No, siree. No chance of that happening.

(hears rumble)

What’s that sound?

(rumble grows stronger)

Uh oh…

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Wade: Gosh dangit. We had to go and ruin a perfectly good four-game winnin’ streak by strollin’ into Green Bay and layin’ a darn egg! Ugh.

Well, guess I better get to work. We got those pesky Redskins comin’ in this week, and I know darn well they’ll be loaded for bear. I better study some tape. Except… aw hell, no one around. No need to get cracking just YET. Lemme just play one game of solitaire. Helps sharpen the ol’ noggin.

(opens up solitaire game)

Oh, that’s a lousy draw.

(resets the game 50 times)

Ah, much better. Now, to just drag these three aces up to the top…

(door flies open)

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Rob the Crying Giants Fan first rose to prominence here at KSK, so it’s nice to see his story reach a televised audience, even if Daniel Tosh’s Web Redemption missed the little things that made the original video so delightful, like Rob joining the comments section and egging on our legion of satanic jackals to be crueler to him.

But still, this is great. “Tosh.0″ is like a better-edited version of the internet without retarded commenters. Cheers to Tosh and Comedy Central for putting the spotlight on Rob, who (to his credit) would rather see the Giants win the Super Bowl than see Osama bin Laden captured. I can respect that kind of insane fanaticism. From a distance. With a taser.

(Oh, and Daniel? Lose the cardigan, homo.)

Wade: Gall darnit! Openin’ night and we go out and play a game like that. I am perplexed. How do you get 250 damn yards rushing and STILL lose? It’s gonna be a long week.

(opens package of cupcakes)

Ooh, Hostess cupcakes. My wife told me that there’s a fancy word for the icing on top of these. GANACHE. How you like that? Here I am, think I’m eatin’ a cupcake with frosting, when really it’s a French delicacy! Oh, the simple pleasures.

(eats cupcake)

Mmmmm. Well, life ain’t all bad, I guess. It was only the second game. If we just play SMARTER, I think we can live up to our potential. The pieces are there! We just gotta bear down. And that starts right after I finish this delicious, chocolatey, ganachey…

(door flies open)

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When we last left face-stuffing land barnacle Peter King, he had finally gotten his Twitter feed up and running, thus signaling the beginning of the end of that startup’s financial potential. What kind of crucial information has King supplied you, the Twitty twitty gangbanging masses?

SI_PeterKing Ah, the glamorous life of a reporter. Drinking low-cal Vitamin Water and praying I’ll be able to make it 2 more hours to finish MMQB.

Ooom, low cal Vitamin Water. Well, la di da, Mr. Big Shot. Most of us have to drink regular water. We don’t get to have our water infused with seventeen different minerals and subtle hints of acai and pomegranate. Don’t tell me you’re just some poor reportin’ schlub, you cod lover!

SI_PeterKing Sanchez throwing out first pitch at the Mets Monday night. Memo to Mark: Don’t bounce it. They’ll boo.

And stop looking like Johnny Damon! You’ll just reinforce the Mets’ feelings as afterthoughts in their own city!

Anyway, to the column. Say Pete, what’s your top draft philosophy?

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Worst Signing, Or Worstest Signing? I was a guest on two podcasts leading up to tomorrow’s draft. I joined the roundtable over at Joe Sports Fan, then I joined Levy & Co. over at On The DL, where we talked about the draft, and the fact that Carolina decided last night to hand Jake Delhomme $20 million guaranteed in what has to be the single most retarded signing I’ve ever heard of not made by either Al Davis or Dan Snyder. Seriously, $20 million for Delhomme after that platypus abortion he delivered vs. Arizona? Jesus. That’s almost worse than the picture Levy posted of me in my Vikings hat and pink shirt. Good Lord. I look like a gay sailboat.

Wade: Mmmm… ice cream. Ice cream ice cream ice cream. You sure do help break up a day. You know, ever since I was able to turn the tables on the low-down snake Jerry Jones, life has been pretty darn sweet for ol’ Wade. Yes, sirree. Ain’t no finer to have than havin’ nothin’ to lose.

You know what I might do this afternoon? I do believe I’ll go golfing. Ha! How about that! Ol’ Wade sneakin’ out for a quick nine holes on a spring day. I reckon nothing would be better on a glorious spring day. Lemme just close up shop here. Seems pretty quiet. And that ol’ coot ain’t nowhere to be found! Yep, I think there’s no better time to kick back and rela…

(door flies open)

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That’s our own KOGOD dancing in the aisles at a Wizards game the other night. Unfortunately, this is only a temporary gig for our friend, as the Capital City Goofball returns from paternity leave next week.

Rob is a Giants fan. Rob is distraught because the Giants couldn’t close the deal at home in the playoffs. This is truly one of the sorriest displays I have ever seen. Even his friends make no attempt to hide their contempt for this blubbering fat fuck. I’m normally a pretty laid back guy, but I hate this guy. I am pissed that I have to pause from the business of pissing off Steelers fans to address this sorry situation.

Unless I see a shit-ton of Giants fans completely disavowing this loser in the comments, I will have no choice but to assume he is representative of you all.

[ thanks to reader Nick S. for the tip ]