Don’t mind me, just putting this here so we all can have it forever. My thanks to reader Kevin for sharing this golden little treasure of football fandom.

PEYTON MANNING IS DONE FOR THE YEAR! SORT OF! In other news: Colin Cowherd – Still a human penis! Legit 100% confirmation! Also, Reggie Wayne has been downgraded to “useless”! Film at 11!

NBC couldn’t possibly be more thrilled to get Manning on one of their two playoff broadcasts this season. They had him on during halftime of the Saints-Seahawks game, where Pey-Pey laughably credited the team’s tepid success to Jim Caldwell not making a facial gesture in the last decade. Not that that was half as bad as Costas practically calling the Colts the story of the year the previous week, hailing among other things:

- The Colts overcoming injuries, because no one else has had to do that.

- Peyton seeming to play at times 1-on-11. Coincidentally, one-to-11 was his ratio of touchdowns to interceptions in Novembers.

- The Colts winning with “professionalism and Peyton” so long as professionalism can be counted toward Pat McAfee’s arrest and Eric Foster maybe raping someone.

Guhhhhhh. Where are the Sarah PAC bullseye over Lucas Oil when you need one? For all the media attention lavished on the Jets, at least it’ll take a good few years to build the kind of excusekkake Costas blasts in our collective mugs, at least once he clambers up six phone books so he can reach face level.

“To the woodshed, where we film and then watch hours of me beating you.”

I am disappoint. Cortland Finnegan’s horrid corner play cheated us out of yet another display of Manningface. A pity. This could have been the best Manningfacemas ever. But even in victory, there’s never a shortage of Peyton bitching out teammates on the field to let everyone know that something that went wrong wasn’t his fault.

And I hope you didn’t permit children to watch the broadcast (not only because you generally want to limit all exposure to Theismann and Millen) because there were disconcerting signals being committed. Heavens! That could only be more clinically described if they called then unpalatable gesticulations.

Peyton Manning has thrown 11 interceptions in his past three games. That streak of hilarious ineptitude also includes him throwing four in each of his last two games. Should Pey-Pey toss four again tonight, that would make for 12 picks in 12 days. What a daily holiday season confection that would be!

Let’s not spend all our time bagging on Pey-Pey, however. Not when Chris Johnson has a grand total of 75 yards from scrimmage his last two games. What happened to 2,500 rushing yards this season, you dick. But since Indy’s run defense is abysmal and it’s not Rusty Smith under center for the Titans throwing a Manning-like bundle of interceptions, he might actually have a chance to be useful again.

Hey Fatasspolis, remember when I came into your snack shack and kicked your dumpy dimpled asses back to the discount candy aisle at CVS? You bet I do – had the fellas at the frame store put together a nice photo package together that I keep in my kids’ room to remind them that all of dozen of them were sired by greatness.

Then I got another one done when I shat on Fetusface’s fetus face the next season at home in the playoffs. He remarked to me that my defecation had hints of coriander. I told him I’d be willing to ship him another batch if he ever unglued his mouth from Archie’s shriveled colostomy hole. I’ve yet to hear back.

Now me and Patrick Crayton Manning are gonna have it out again in what will end up being another memorable win for me inside the Hoosier Doucher Dome. People are saying both of us are making the best of loser receivers getting hurt by playing well with a staple of no-name nobodies with no skills. And that’s mostly true – for me. I don’t bother with watching as much tape as Fetushead, which is how I imagine he got all the TV radiation inside his swole head. I did tune in last week and saw him throw a killer pick at the end. That was awesome.

Now I got Vincent Jackoff back and I hope he hasn’t forgot how to get his tall malcontent tongue-waging out of the tunnel face under my epic floats. If not, I’ll just throw it float it to the ragtag group of nobodies I’ve groomed singlehandedly into greats at their position.

Not much interesting to say about this one. The Texans ran the ball well, but Matt Schaub shit the bed with marbly logs that would please even Rex himself. Onto the random assemblage on screencaps.

Gruden as the sheriff of Shticktown in the booth during pregame. Because Peyton is “The Sheriff,” you see, and we are “The Dumbf*cks Who Keep Tuning Into This Shit.”

Even Gruden-inspired costumes are perplexing and idiotic.

This jolly corpulent fellow was mocking the officials who marked Peyton short of a first down on a rare gambol beyond the line of scrimmage. Some in the live blog labeled his invention “boo googles.” Others called them “boogles.” That’s better than redneck pince-nez, which would have been my initial choice.

Been nice knowing you, pleasant dreams.

Hate your joke. Hate your font. Hate your chin. Hate your chin. Hate your chin. Hate your chin. And hate all the other chins.

Christ, I’m sorry, here are a couple of the Saints’ costumed cheerleaders yesterday as a small effort to make amends.

The Texans trashed the Fat Humps in Week 1 with Arian Foster running for 231 yards and three touchdowns. Now Houston is going for their first-ever sweep of Indianapolis, but to accomplish that feat and secure sole possession of first place in the AFC South, they’ll have to tangle with

And that’s not all. Berman says Peyton Manning is “fully lathered” for tonight’s game. That’s right – Indy is bringing out their fanciest popcorn butter for this one.

And here’s my Designed Rush feature at SB Nation. Proud to say it’s my least defensive effort yet*.

*Highly defensive statement

Colts punter Pat McAfee was released from jail earlier today, after police found him shirtless and soaking wet from a swim in a city canal at 5 a.m. Let’s go straight to the highlights:

Officers asked McAfee if he had been swimming in the canal and he said “I am not sure,” according to a police report. They asked him how he got wet and he said it had been raining, then told officers that his shirt was “in the water.”

Police asked McAfee how much he had to drink.

“A lot cause I am drunk,” McAfee said, according to the report…

Police were first called after a driver stopped at a red light reported that a man with no shirt approached her car. The woman told police she feared the man was going to try to get in the car, so she ran the red light and called 911 to report the suspicious person. [Daily Caller]

McAfee recorded a .15 BAL on the Breathalyzer, which every journalist on the planet was quick to call “almost twice the legal limit for drivers in Indiana.” It’s also a perfectly legal BAL for pedestrians who can hold their liquor.

Before the arrest, McAfee posted this on Twitter: “Bye week bye week bye week. Time to get some ish done. Happy Tuesday Party people.” [ESPN]

It’s hard for me to defend McAfee (because I loathe the Colts and regularly get work done with a BAL in the neighborhood of .15), but I will:

The guy is 23 years old, two years out of college, and stuck in the wasteland of Indianapolis, one of the handful of NFL cities that’s a step down in nightlife and culture from McAfee’s alma mater of West Virginia. He apparently had no intention of driving drunk (before asking if he could walk home, he told officers that he was waiting for a friend to get him and that he planned to take a cab). He wasn’t hitting a woman or dogfighting or sending pictures of his dick to anyone. He didn’t have practice the next day or the rest of the week. He was just one young drunk dude who wanted to go for a swim.

And for that, we salute you, Pat McAfee. Godspeed, and bottoms up.

Let’s all thank Brandon Jacobs for having the good sense to toss his helmet into the stands. Had he not, we may never have discovered the stunning creature seen above. And we certainly never would have seen her making this particular face. Continue after the jump for the first of what will likely be many photoshops, this one from reader 12-Man Football.

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