Bless you, one reasonable and butthurt Colts fan (jersey tucked into jeans, per Lucas Oil Stadium dress code) visibly dismayed that his team would bother to pointlessly win its way out of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. If this game also results in Jake Delhomme getting to start for the Texans in the postseason, it’ll have been the greatest unwatchable game there ever was.

Of course, the Colts have to apparently also win next week at Jacksonville to squander the top pick. Soooooo, c’mon one more division rival laying down for the Fat Humps.

Meet Indiana’s answer to Kige Ramsey. Bonus points for having his own cameraman. When in doubt, always zoom in on the Vienna Sausages.

Thanks to reader Steven, who is on lock-down in Blacksburg.

Early design of Indianapolis tourism Plan B

We were getting around to ripping the hilariously atrocious Super Bowl Shuffle spoof put together by the Pawnee Parks & Rec Indianapolis Convention and Visitors Association to attract visitors to what the Greeks call “Indiana City” but the rest of us refer to as UGH GOD THE BLOB’S GOT ME SAVE YOURSELF. But by the time we got over being busy masturbating and promoting Drew’s book, the video had already been yanked from YouTube by virtue of universal shaming.

Which is too bad, because the video should have been allowed to stand forever as a testament to why Indianapolis must never be allowed to host anything beyond eating contests and Forever Lazy fetish conventions. We’ve been fairly lax in dumping on the Fat Humps this season. That’ll happen when neck AIDS turns decent chokers into an 0-11 laughingstock. If 2009 is any indication, they’ll get to 0-14, get frightened by the chance to make history, pull all their non-shitty starters and win their final two games. Can’t wait for Andrew Luck to Elway (or to translate it to Manning-speak, “to Eli”) the shit out of them.

Explain yourselves, Indianapolis tourism flacks.

BAHAHAHAHAHA. Yesssssss. Indianapolis, where our tourism people love the Bears and host their meetings in a real city like Chicago!

By the way, no one apparently wants to come to Indy for the The Big Ten Championship Game this weekend, either. It seems event promoters might be trying to give away tickets to “seat fillers” on the sly on Craigslist. Seat fillers? Just your luck. That’ll only take, tops, a dozen Fat Humps.

Wow. I’m not sure even the Fat Humps deserved a beating that severe. Oh, who am I kidding? That was grand, Peyton or no Peyton. Only the stark realization that nothing will stop Indy from getting Andrew Luck put the slightest damper on that curbstomping. Throw it to Graham, to Colston, to Graham, to Colston. Not to worry, Peyton will fix this dreadful defense with disapproving sideline glowering.

Longtime Bears center Olin Kreutz played at a superior level for 13 years in Chicago. This past off-season, he left for New Orleans to snap the ball to a good quarterback for a change. He obviously didn’t care for it, so Kreutz opted to call it a career this week. He cited a lack of passion as the reason for his reason to leave the game. Breesus has never suffered for a lack of passion, only for your sins, but he isn’t going to judge his team’s starting center for walking away. He knows Kreutz will find something else that makes him happy and gives him purpose, and really, that’s all that matters to Breesus.

As for this contest, hooray for second straight week of subpar primetime games! Did you know Drew Brees and Curtis Painter both went to Purdue? Sorry to spoil the factoid that announcers will use to fill dead air in a blowout. So maybe we will miss Fetushead for not being able to relive his Super Bowl XLIV pick-six heroics, but we’ll get by okay. As much as it was painful to see Tebow’s comeback against Miami produce predictably terrible headlines like these:

At least the loss keeps Miami in the running for top position in the Suck for Luck suckstakes. Have you seen the Indy’s schedule? It’d be pretty brutal even if they had Peyton. Without him, well, those two games against Jacksonville look like the only ones they’re capable of winning barring a complete meltdown by another opponent. Which is why we’re doing all we can to implore the Jags to roll over for Indy later this season. We’ll do anything! Buy tickets, jerseys. We’ll pretend like the team has a thriving fan base and is in absolutely no danger of relocation. All these things can be yours for two measly losses.

Anyway, various moments of lulz from today’s action:

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We’ve bagged on Colts fans plenty since Battleship Manning ran aground on Neck AIDS Island. But no amount of KSK buffoonery could match the hilarity of this story shared by Mandy, perhaps our least irritating regular commenter from Indy (enjoy the faint praise):

Mandy

Damn, almost forgot to share the funniest Fat Hump story in a while. Last night at dinner, I overheard a woman say, “I just can’t cheer for Peyton Manning anymore. Did you hear he had that surgery where they have to kill babies to get stem cells?”

Oh, that’s just perfection. I wish I could get that story in a to-go container from Steak ‘n’ Shake and consume for my next six meals.

Anyway, this game obviously begs for the flex treatment. But, alas, the current scheduling structure can’t correct for when teams built entirely on one player lose that player to injury. Too bad! Take heart in the continuation of the Bottomless Fries Basket of Colts fan despair. Then again, you never know; maybe Robert Mathis and Dwight Freeney will tee off on the Steelers’ horrible offensive tackles and Indy pulls an upset. That would be incredibly funny in its own way. But, yeah, no one will blame you for skipping this one for “Boardwalk Empire” and “Breaking Bad”.

Don’t mind me, just putting this here so we all can have it forever. My thanks to reader Kevin for sharing this golden little treasure of football fandom.

PEYTON MANNING IS DONE FOR THE YEAR! SORT OF! In other news: Colin Cowherd – Still a human penis! Legit 100% confirmation! Also, Reggie Wayne has been downgraded to “useless”! Film at 11!

NBC couldn’t possibly be more thrilled to get Manning on one of their two playoff broadcasts this season. They had him on during halftime of the Saints-Seahawks game, where Pey-Pey laughably credited the team’s tepid success to Jim Caldwell not making a facial gesture in the last decade. Not that that was half as bad as Costas practically calling the Colts the story of the year the previous week, hailing among other things:

- The Colts overcoming injuries, because no one else has had to do that.

- Peyton seeming to play at times 1-on-11. Coincidentally, one-to-11 was his ratio of touchdowns to interceptions in Novembers.

- The Colts winning with “professionalism and Peyton” so long as professionalism can be counted toward Pat McAfee’s arrest and Eric Foster maybe raping someone.

Guhhhhhh. Where are the Sarah PAC bullseye over Lucas Oil when you need one? For all the media attention lavished on the Jets, at least it’ll take a good few years to build the kind of excusekkake Costas blasts in our collective mugs, at least once he clambers up six phone books so he can reach face level.

“To the woodshed, where we film and then watch hours of me beating you.”

I am disappoint. Cortland Finnegan’s horrid corner play cheated us out of yet another display of Manningface. A pity. This could have been the best Manningfacemas ever. But even in victory, there’s never a shortage of Peyton bitching out teammates on the field to let everyone know that something that went wrong wasn’t his fault.

And I hope you didn’t permit children to watch the broadcast (not only because you generally want to limit all exposure to Theismann and Millen) because there were disconcerting signals being committed. Heavens! That could only be more clinically described if they called then unpalatable gesticulations.