Muchas Smoochas, Senor Ocho

Christmas Ape — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 20:05:26 +0000

The Steelers have won eight straight at Paul Brown Stadium and The Ben has gotten his PEW on in his home state of Ohio, amassing a record of 11-0 there as a pro (a point which will NEVER BE MENTIONED DURING THIS GAME). However, last week the Bengals notched a rare pre-Week 7 victory by virtue of five sacks by previously little-known defensive end Antwan Odom, so pretty much everyone has hopped on them this week to pull another upset. Not to mention Spongetech stock is soaring.

Ocho has vowed to make Steelers corners Ike Taylor and William Gay “kiss the baby” and announced that he has a Spanish-themed TD celebration in the works should he reach the endzone. By that, I mean he intends to take a three-hour midday siesta. Mostly likely, though, he plans to have Chris Berman make 18 more painful and repetitive jokes via satellite about ESPN’s new Countdown weatherlady, Marisol.

Last week: “When it’s raining, Marisol, I’m going to call you Parisol.” (laughs to himself)

This week: “Again, when it’s raining, Marisol is Parisol.” (face almost explodes over his hilarity)

flubby: “Also, parasols are used when it’s sunny.”

The rest of this shitty slate of late games:

The Bills host the Saints in the last game until BEEF MOE returns next week. With Fred Jackson averaging 110 rushing yards per game and 5.1 per carry, coupled with 108 total receiving yards, Marshawn might be able to enjoy some Applebee’s Carside service on the sidelines of future games. More important, however, is which Bills player will have their home ransacked or vandalized this week? First game: Leodis McKelvin. Last week: Donte Whitner. Did Bills fans really let Trent Edwards’ home slip this far.

The Bears revealed this week that they have a self-policing policy on busting ass in the film room, levying a fine of $20 on whoever rips one in there. Defensive tackle Anthony Adams, who disclosed the policy on a Chicago Tribune blog post, said defensive end Mark Anderson is the most flagrant and fragrant offender. Gotta leave that flatus for the field, guys. No Matty Hasselbeck in this game either, so Ufford may have a few post-Fight Gone Bad pukes left in him.

Denver is 2-0. Oakland won last week despite JaMarcus Russell going 7-for 24 passing. Someone I see this game being scoreless until the snap of a last-second punt goes out the back of the endzone for a 2-0 final.

We already previewed the floats to come in the Chargers-Dolphins tilt, so I’ll forgo belaboring that some more Wildcat blather. The Chargers have the 24th ranked run D, so it’s a solid recipe for another 45 minutes of Miami possession time washed away by Marmalard quick strikes.

Dallas Morning News smells a Pulitzer after Martellus Bennett’s story on ladyfarts

Unsilent Majority — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:02:32 +0000

That bitch farted, I can see it!

Martellus Bennett is blogging for the Dallas Morning News‘ website, and fortunately his ruminations have nothing at all to do with football. Instead, the Cowboys’ second-year tight end is using the space to tell fart stories.

This lady was walking in front of me pushing her cart she
stopped to pick up some pringles and let one rip. Sounded like a growl
and and a motor but smelt like a dead carcus. OMG! Now I knew it
wasn’t me LOL and we were the only two people on the aisle. She just
smiled and kept walking like nothing happened the smell followed her.
I swear I could see it like smoke out of a train just nasty.

Stay tuned to the Insider Blog for more of Marty B’s thoughts, including his upcoming post “Queefs: It Stopped Being Funny the Second the Air Came Out of Her Vagina.”

Thanks to commenter Mo Charlo for the smelly tip.

Kissing Suzy Kolber » farts

Muchas Smoochas, Senor Ocho

Dallas Morning News smells a Pulitzer after Martellus Bennett’s story on ladyfarts