Welp, it won’t be easy to score negative points, but I’ll see what I can do.

/prays

/prepares to throw into coverage

/fumbles

Fun Fact For Fantasy Football Fuckfaces: Ronnie Brown was benched in 75% of all Yahoo! leagues yesterday. Granted, his four touchdown runs and his one touchdown pass were pieces of production that nobody saw coming. And it gives me great joy to know that if Ronnie Brown can turn it around, there’s hope for our economy after all.

I turned 30 this week.  Lots of people said nice things to me.  Well, maybe not lots.  Probably ten.  Seven.  Four or five.  Okay, THREE!  Three people said nice things to me.  My parents were all, “You coming into the world was one of our happiest days” and “We’re so proud of you, blah blah blah.”  And… I guess that’s only two.  Whatever.

Point is, they may as well have said nothing.  This e-card is the nicest thing anyone can ever say to anyone else.  Unless it’s “Your penis is huge!”  But I’ve never heard that without sarcastic giggling.

(via the consistent excellence of someecards)

I don’t really know why I’m here. I mean, I’m still okay. My team’s deep. Hell, I won last week.

I mean, yeah, it was Shanoff, but it still counts. A win is a win is a win.

I feel okay about next week. Sure, the Rams sucked against Philly, but all things considered I’m lucky to have Marc Bulger as my starting quarter–OH GOD WHY? WHY?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????

/sobs

/deep breath

/exhale

My name’s Matt, and I drafted Tom Brady with my first pick in my fantasy draft.
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Sure, I enjoy competing in fantasy leagues with old friends and a bunch of shit-eating bloggers, but I’d give it all up to play in any league with Fred Smoot. Speaking of which, I wonder how he’ll react to the latest news on his boy “Timmy” Brady. Throw in the delightful trio of Mercedes Lindsay, Christy Cooley, and the kicker’s piece of ass and you pretty much have the perfect draft. Sure Santana Moss and the ladies’ team is a bit slow at times, but they still bring more to the table than Shanoff.

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Due to multiple annoying circumstances, I only just now got around to cramming for the two fantasy drafts I have next week. And after pouring through various annuals, all of which are now dated, trolling the Fantasy Football Café forums (Sample forum topic title: “SELVIN YOUNG???????”), and listening to any number of annoying podcasts (ever hear ESPN’s Fantasy Focus podcast? Don’t.), I have come to one startling conclusion about the players in this year’s draft:

I hate them all.

Apart from Tomlinson, every player here that positively bursts with the potential to fuck you raw. The list of players that shat their pants last year is incredibly robust: Bulger, LJ, Rudi, FUCKING LEE EVANS. Oh, how I loooooathe you, Lee Evans. You eat shit, young man. EAT A POUND OF SHIT.

Usually, any given year, you look at the list of players and, for no rational reason, a few guys look appealing. “Ooooh, Josh Reed! I bet he’ll be AWESOME!” But this year, I look and I just want to fall off a ledge. Earnest Graham? Really? I have to consider that asshole? Jesus.

With that in mind, here are eleven players that I just know, in my heart of hearts, will manage to screw me whether I draft them or not.

Peyton Manning: If this really is the year that both Tom Brady and Peyton Manning miss significant time with injury (fingers crossed!), it’s not gonna be nice and cut-and-dried. No, both of these assholes will invariably gut it out, staggering onto the field for every game, and calling 500 surprise draws on 3rd and goal from the four yard line. Then you’ll see headlines like “MANNING THROWS FOR 90 YARDS AND 1 INT IN BRAVE DISPLAY OF LEADERSHIP”. But you can’t NOT start Manning. He’s Manning! ARRRGGHHHH I hate that shit.

Ben Roethlisberger: Did he really throw 32 TD’s last year? I’m shocked he threw 32 TIMES. That’s not happening again. OR IS IT? See? I‘m annoyed already.

Brian Westbrook: “Hi! Just to let you know, I’m going to spend all my time this year being downgraded from Questionable to Doubtful on Saturday, only to run and catch for 100 yards each the next day! Then, the next week, I’ll find a new, hidden, surprise nagging injury that really will keep me out, even though it’s the one week I’m not on the injury report!” Fuck you, you bastard. I’ve never met anyone from Villanofun worth liking.

Frank Gore: With Mike Martz in town, you two get to be overrated together! I’m also excited about the prospect of Deshaun Foster spelling Gore for a series or two for no real reason, at which point I’ll shout out, “Hey, the fuck is Foster doing there?” No one fucks a backfield quite like that guy.

Ryan Grant: Much as I loathe Brett Favre, the prospect of every Green Bay skill position player turning to complete shit in the wake of his departure seems all too likely. YAY.

Greg Jennings: Ditto.

Michael Turner: I had Jerious Norwood in a keeper league last year. He ran for six yards every time he touched the ball. His reward for being productive was about 2 goddamn carries a game. And now here comes Turner to be the man in that offense. But I guarantee you: Mike Smith can’t be any dumber of a coach than Bobby Crackerbumfuck. Norwood will get on the field just enough to make you blind with hate towards all parties involved.

The Ronnie Brown/Ricky Williams Miami Shitpie

Jonathan Stewart: I’m telling you, whichever rookie back you draft will end up being the wrong rookie. Just look at the underachieving asshole Stewart is gonna replace. DEANGELO WILLIAMS, YOU ARE A FESTERING, PUS-OOZING WASTE OF HUMAN POTENTIAL.

Braylon Edwards: If you owned Edwards BEFORE last season, as I once did, you know he was about as consistent as my urine stream. And I’m telling you, there is NO reason he can’t turn around and go right back to Shitland again. Especially if Mr. Black Tights has to take over for Horsie Balls at the signal calling duties. Top 3 receiver, my ass.

These are but 11 players. There are just so many more out there, waiting to bend you over and take a guitar neck to your cornhole. Old fuckers like Edgerrin James. Young fuckers who will probably never end up doing anything like Chris Johnson. The myriad number of ways they can ruin your shit has no ceiling. Purple Jesus alone has about 75 potential ways to destroy your weekend.

They could show just enough brilliance to give you a false sense of confidence. They could get injured during the playoffs. They could shit in hampers. You just never know.

Thank God fantasy football is back.

Here’s your Wednesday evening Doug & Doug fix, to give you a five-minute reprieve from baseball. Goshkins! They’re playing through some moderate rain. What intrepid warriors!

Here’s my fantasy report: I had Ronnie Brown on the better of my two fantasy teams and now the best back I have on that receiver heavy team is Kenny Watson, who though enormously kind to me last week is about to give me nathan going against the Steelers’ run D, then return to the job to Rudi Johnson in early November. I’m 5-2 going on 5-8.

Six short weeks and they’ve already achieved prima donna status, bitching about Comedy.com’s accommodations in his fancy dancey suit and tie. Back in late August, you didn’t have a pot to piss in or a green headband to wrap around it. And let me tell you: Blogger’s no Swiss picnic either, pally. The cafeteria only has Sun Chips instead of Doritos. Can you fucking believe that? Might as well be working for the Iraqi Army.

However, I’m all for their “fuck you, Todd ‘Shit’ Heap” policy, not only as someone who has the misfortunate of having that fucker on both my fantasy teams, but also someone who hates the Ravens as a matter of course. Fuck you, Purple Whitey!

Fuck this bullshit, why do I do this to myself. I hate cursive and I hate all of you! I’m never playing fantasy football again, NEVER!

Because you fuckers know you need me…

I wish I was the quarterback for the New York Giants!

The countdown is on to the next monumental moment of the 2007 NFL season, the mad dash for the premier (less-abysmal) free agents in your fantasy football league. Today could mean the difference between abject failure and clingy mediocrity for the thousands of you who drafted so very poorly. You see I, on the other hand, have three undefeated teams because I am the smartest man alive a total asshole. For those of you in need (did you really draft Brandon Jacobs and Eli “Kill Shot” Manning?) I’m offering up a comprehensive report on some of the shiny new toys awaiting those of you with your adorable waiver wire priority.

Plugging a leak with a piece of gum…

Jared Lorenzen QB/Bill Murray foil- Vindication for Sarah, the only person in the entire blogosphere to hate Eli enough to draft that pillow stuffed motherfucker. Hey, Plexi and Shockey can catch the ball. Even Eli could manage to rack up points before his shoulder quit on him like his father did.

Derrick Ward RB- Brandon Jacobs hurt his knee and Ward looked so good the commentator almost called him Dave Meggett; however he did liken him to a little monkey. It was all pretty awkward. But who knows what Coughlin will do. Ward only got the backup job because he won an award for punctuality from Rushmore Academy. If Ruben Droughns beats him to a couple of this week’s team meetings then all bets are off.

Gold covered lead…

Chris Brown RB- He sure looked great running for 175 yards on Sunday. But if you bought that little act then you’ve never been a Chris Brown owner. He runs upright, he’s injury-prone, he’s never been able to win the job, and he’s got two younger and equally capable backs behind him.

Patrick Crayton WR- Terry Glenn is a hell of a warrior but her knee might have finally given out on her. How would animal rights activists react if Jerry Jones took him out back and shot him? Crayton is a crappy replacement from a fantasy perspective because TO and Mar-Bar-Tre’ are such touchdown hogs and Tony Romo has a hardon for Jason Witten.

Flyers…

Daunte Culpepper QB- McCown has an ouchie on his finger. If he can’t grip his dick for Wednesday’s random drug screening then Daunte’s going to be named the starter.

JaMarcus Russell QB- He signed, he finally signed! What, you don’t play in a 32-team keeper league? Pussy.

Brady Quinn QB- If you plan on starting any Cleveland Brown who is not a “fucking warrior” then you might as well send your league commissioner a certified check.

And now for some players to avoid like the fungus growing on Leonard Davis…

David Boston WR- The reclamation project was put on hold when the former Ohio State employee injured his foot during warm-ups. See David, that’s why you shouldn’t inject your drugs between your toes.

Lawrence Tynes K- It’s never good when your kicker gets the cramps in the middle of a game. Is it possible that Eli’s PMS is contagious?