Six short weeks and they’ve already achieved prima donna status, bitching about Comedy.com’s accommodations in his fancy dancey suit and tie. Back in late August, you didn’t have a pot to piss in or a green headband to wrap around it. And let me tell you: Blogger’s no Swiss picnic either, pally. The cafeteria only has Sun Chips instead of Doritos. Can you fucking believe that? Might as well be working for the Iraqi Army.

However, I’m all for their “fuck you, Todd ‘Shit’ Heap” policy, not only as someone who has the misfortunate of having that fucker on both my fantasy teams, but also someone who hates the Ravens as a matter of course. Fuck you, Purple Whitey!

Fuck this bullshit, why do I do this to myself. I hate cursive and I hate all of you! I’m never playing fantasy football again, NEVER!

Because you fuckers know you need me…

The countdown is on to the next monumental moment of the 2007 NFL season, the mad dash for the premier (less-abysmal) free agents in your fantasy football league. Today could mean the difference between abject failure and clingy mediocrity for the thousands of you who drafted so very poorly. You see I, on the other hand, have three undefeated teams because I am the smartest man alive a total asshole. For those of you in need (did you really draft Brandon Jacobs and Eli “Kill Shot” Manning?) I’m offering up a comprehensive report on some of the shiny new toys awaiting those of you with your adorable waiver wire priority.

Plugging a leak with a piece of gum…

Jared Lorenzen QB/Bill Murray foil- Vindication for Sarah, the only person in the entire blogosphere to hate Eli enough to draft that pillow stuffed motherfucker. Hey, Plexi and Shockey can catch the ball. Even Eli could manage to rack up points before his shoulder quit on him like his father did.

Derrick Ward RB- Brandon Jacobs hurt his knee and Ward looked so good the commentator almost called him Dave Meggett; however he did liken him to a little monkey. It was all pretty awkward. But who knows what Coughlin will do. Ward only got the backup job because he won an award for punctuality from Rushmore Academy. If Ruben Droughns beats him to a couple of this week’s team meetings then all bets are off.

Gold covered lead…

Chris Brown RB- He sure looked great running for 175 yards on Sunday. But if you bought that little act then you’ve never been a Chris Brown owner. He runs upright, he’s injury-prone, he’s never been able to win the job, and he’s got two younger and equally capable backs behind him.

Patrick Crayton WR- Terry Glenn is a hell of a warrior but her knee might have finally given out on her. How would animal rights activists react if Jerry Jones took him out back and shot him? Crayton is a crappy replacement from a fantasy perspective because TO and Mar-Bar-Tre’ are such touchdown hogs and Tony Romo has a hardon for Jason Witten.

Flyers…

Daunte Culpepper QB- McCown has an ouchie on his finger. If he can’t grip his dick for Wednesday’s random drug screening then Daunte’s going to be named the starter.

JaMarcus Russell QB- He signed, he finally signed! What, you don’t play in a 32-team keeper league? Pussy.

Brady Quinn QB- If you plan on starting any Cleveland Brown who is not a “fucking warrior” then you might as well send your league commissioner a certified check.

And now for some players to avoid like the fungus growing on Leonard Davis…

David Boston WR- The reclamation project was put on hold when the former Ohio State employee injured his foot during warm-ups. See David, that’s why you shouldn’t inject your drugs between your toes.

Lawrence Tynes K- It’s never good when your kicker gets the cramps in the middle of a game. Is it possible that Eli’s PMS is contagious?

I ran into Drew (pictured) at Petsmart yesterday and he asked me to write a piece trashing Simmons’ fantasy picks that appeared in his August 31st essay on Page 2. I suspect that he did this for three reasons.

First of all, Drew probably knew that another anti-Simmons piece would be demolished in the comments by the unwashed masses, whether or not he actually wrote the piece himself (Hence, suggestions of “Somebody should do something on,” is almost code for “I’d like to see this, but I don’t feel like writing it”) Personally, I welcome the chance to piss other people off; this is a valuable skill in multiple facets of life, and I treat every opportunity to hone it as a gift from the Lord. I really haven’t read Simmons in some time, though I had heard about the list from other people, and the couple “WTF” names that made it that, really, every FF list should have.

Secondly, it’s my opinion that Drew actually respects my fantasy advice, despite his finishing well ahead of me in last year’s FFLXDSP (where he finished with the second-highest point total, and yet could only amass an 8-7 record. What can I say; everything that asshole does is funny).

But most importantly, I wrote it because, well, Bill-bashing is fun. We’re totally gay for him, and by that, I mean that he annoys the shit out of us. Plus, we could say something as benign as “Simmons has questionable taste in cargo shorts.” all the dipshit New Englanders flock to our site give us lots of comments! It’s like dangling a ball of yarn, but it works on people! But it also gives me another day to put off the rest of my team previews (CHI, GB, DET). Wicked, or something!

I hadn’t read the thing before starting my own dissemination and cracking open my third can of Yuengling, so I really had no idea what was in here, so let’s quit with the dilly-dally and delve, shall we?

Of course, he has to open with some facet of his personal life that nobody cares about. And then he gets a tiny dig in on Matthew Berry.

Because we need a dissenting opinion to combat the side effects of MBFO (Matt Berry Fantasy Overload). Just know that Berry and I…

We know, we know, it’s all about you. Hey, you outpicked The Expert on one player. Don’t trip over your own dick or anything. I don’t know what he has against Berry. The guy was great on Friends.

In all actuality (5 syllables), this smells like a plug, disguised as a dig, in order to pimp the recent rotisserie royalty that is the MulBerry, as the new HRIC (Head Red-Head In Charge) at the Worldwide Leader. Mr. Berry, Rachael Nichols would like to see you in her cube.

But back to Simmons, I should be fair and say that Bill did show restraint and didn’t mention the Celtics a single time in the intro. I’m sure that probably took a few hours off his life. Actually, I’m not sure, because I have no medical training at all.

I have an inkling.

Yes.

Oh, there’s a JD Drew joke that I didn’t even see there. That Bill, he is something.

Onto the Top 50…without further ado, indeed.

Bill’s first three I don’t have a big issue with:

1. Tomlinson
2. Steven Jackson
3. Alexander

Look, I understand that people fall in love with Alexander and they’re afraid to drop him too far because of that strong finish he had, especially that 201-yard game he had in Week 12 against Green Bay, plus back-to-back 100 yard games against teams whose playoff fates were already determined. Does the hope for his return to prominence outweigh the upside of Gore, or even Addai? I say no.

Aside: Goddamn, Yuengling is some good shit. I don’t care if it is in cans. I’d drink it out of a bottle and it would still be alright.

And I should have brought this up earlier, but who writes a fucking fantasy column six days before the season starts? Haven’t all of us had, like, six drafts at that point? I was interviewed to be an intern for the Calgary Stampeders, I’ve been drafting so much this summer. Yeah, that wasn’t funny. Fuck you, anyway.

4. Addai
5. Frank Gore

Dropped him two spots because of the broken right hand.

Respectfully disagree. Gore is gonna be tits.

6. Larry Johnson.

Johnson scares me, like an ‘86 Cutlass would scare me on a cross-country trip. But yeah, you can’t justify dropping him any farther than this.

7. Peyton Manning

Whoa whoa whoa. Is this one of those 10-pt TD pass leagues?

My logic: The gap between Manning and the sixth-best QB in the league is much more significant than the gap between Westbrook/Parker and whatever RB you’d get in the second round…Why risk pinning your fantasy hopes on the likes of Jon Kitna?

Yeah, Kitna would be absolutely worthless…if you were in a Fantasy Who’s Now tournament. Kitna is about five points a game worse than Manning, but he’s also about six rounds cheaper to boot. And you won’t have to sacrifice the depth of your team to get him.

8. Westbrook
9. Willie
10. Willis
11. Reggie Bush

Yeah, Reggie’s the man. I mean, aside from not finishing in the Top 20 in all-purpose yards OR touchdowns last season, he’s TOTALLY worth a first-round pick. Six-one-nine, yo!

The problem with Reggie Bush is that somebody, in EVERY LEAGUE, grabs him in the first round (or early second). You’ll never get him for value. For this reason, among others, I left Reggie Bush off my board for the second straight year. The reality is that he’s certainly worth a late 2/early 3, but he never makes it that far.

12. Cedric Benson

Is LA in some alternate universe where Rudi Johnson doesn’t exist? Helloooo?

13. Marvin Harrison

The best WR for sure, but still too many good RBs on the board to go here now.

14. Marshawn Lynch

If we’ve learned anything about fantasy football over the years, it’s this: Every season, without fail, one rookie RB puts up a ton of fantasy points.

Overvalued, by Simmons’ own admission, failing to mention that when drafting rookie RBs, you’re really drafting 2/3 of a season after burnout. And how anyone would throw darts at Lynch with Adrian Peterson still on the board? Purple Jesus is scorned.

15. Travis Henry
16. Maurice Jones-Drew

I think Maurice is a solid first-rounder. Thirteen TDs in 2006 makes the splitting-time argument moot.

17. Carson Palmer
18. Rudi Johnson

No love for the Bengals. I mean, all Palmer did was throw for 4,000 yards on a fresh pig tendon while Rudi ran for (yawn) 1,300+ yards and 12 TDs for the 3rd straight year. Splitting carries with Kenny Watson, my Evangelical ass. Rudi was fourth in carries last season.

19. Maroney
20. Edge

Edge probably will last this long. Maroney won’t.

21. Tom Brady
22. McNabb
23. Brees
24. Larry Fitzgerald

If you really want a quarterback whose name your mother will recognize, then, by all means…Oh, look! Another dig on Kitna. Outstanding.

And for fuck’s sake, McNabb’s Yahoo ADP is 41.5. He should never be this high on anyone’s board.

25a. T.J. Houshmanzadeh
25b. Chad Johnson

It’s unclear why everyone ranks Johnson over Housh when Housh had better stats last season, and Housh’s efficiency as a receiver was one of the highest in football.

It’s unclear why anyone would waste my time telling me why Player A is o so much better than Player B…and then RANK THEM EXACTLY THE SAME. What a fucking copout. If there was a theme to this draft, it would be “Screw the Bengals.” But instead of “Screw,” it would be “Fuck.” ‘Cause that’s dirtier, see? And speaking of stats:

C. Johnson: 1370 REC YDS, 7 TDs
Houshmandzadeh: 1081 REC YDS, 9 TDS

Better stats? Chad’s 189 receiving yards over TJ would more than make up for the two fewer touchdowns he scored in most leagues. Oh, but TJ had better stats…somehow

I will go out on a limb from the crazy tree and guess that Chad is ranked higher because, oh, I don’t know, he’s the No. 1 receiver in that offense. The better arguement would have been that TJ is more consistent (which he is), not that he’s more efficient.

The sum totals of last year are pretty much a wash, but as far as this year goes, make a fucking decision already.

27. Reggie Wayne
28. Steve Smith
29. Torry Holt
30. Javon Walker

After what happened in the offseason, it’s safe to say Mr. Walker will be sufficiently inspired this season.

Yes, the Dead People Close To Me Inspirational Correllary. But what does that have to do with Len Bias?

31. Thomas Jones

32. Lee Evans

Seems a little early, but screw it.

I knew there was a theme…

33a. Marion Barber
33b. Deuce McAllister

Deuce has more job security and a better track record; he should clearly be ahead here.

35. Marques Colston

Everyone seems lukewarm on him this year. I don’t get it. What’s not to like? He’s clearly their No. 1 guy now.

I agree.

36. Antonio Gates

A hard one for me because he killed both of my fantasy teams last season and I kinda sorta hate him for it.

Gates is usually gone by now, but this is where you would get him for value…if you could. Gates is usually absent from my board as well, as he is consistently overvalued.

37. Andre Johnson
38. Terrell Owens

Just know that he’ll never be on my team. I can’t root for him. It’s not in me. When TO does something good, I don’t want to feel happy.

I have 25 million reasons to hate this asshole.

39. Donald Driver
40. Clinton Portis
41. Marc Bulger

If Westbrook is the Reuben, and Driver is the grilled ham and cheese, then Bulger is like an onion bagel that’s toasted and covered in butter — good enough to tide you over until dinner, tasty if you’re in the right mood, but that’s about it.

42. Vince Young

Good point here about VY’s stats, but never mind that RBs, who Simmons can’t value for shit, are decent rushers, too. Plus, that’s, like, their job and stuff.

43. Adrian Peterson

Good place to get him unless AJ Daulerio is in your league.

44. Philip Rivers
45. Ronnie Brown
46. Brandon Jacobs

This guy is the fat chick that’s laying in your bed the morning after you draft. Forty-seven is about right for him, though.

47. Roy Williams
48. Matt Hasselbeck

Hasselbeck and a slew of other serviceable QBs are waiting for you in Rounds 5 and 6. Tell them to meet you there, and don’t call beforehand.

49. Anquan Boldin

Yeah, right. He’s gone WAY before here.

50. Ahman Green

If this was your sheet, congratulations, you just picked up your first running back.

And there are some sleepers, but whatever. If this sheet was on notebook paper, we would have torn the little blue lines off of it. We rule.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Titans QB Vince Young said in an interview last week that he was “a little bit leery” about selecting himself in the upcoming draft for his fantasy football league.

“I don’t know, man,” Young told Sporting News Radio’s Tim Brando outside the Titans’ practice facility last Thursday. “I don’t know who I want for my fantasy QB. I’m picking eighth, so I know I’m gonna get stuck with a shitty running back already, so I have to go RB-RB-WR this year. It’s crucial that I pick up a good QB and, to be honest, I’m not sure I’m fantasy starter material.”

Young, who appears on the cover of the this year’s Madden video game, cited that earlier Madden cover athletes endured poor seasons immediately following their cover appearances.

“I had Shaun Alexander last year and he killed my whole damn fantasy season. And if I pick myself and I get injured, that means one thing: I’ll have to pick up another fantasy QB from waivers.”

Young noted his own fantasy production from last season as another deterrent for selecting himself this week.

“We get six points for passing touchdowns in this league, but I seem to get more rushing TDs than passing TDs for some reason. I read in my Fantasy Maniacs magazine that I lost my top receiver last year, and that’s really made me think.”

The 12-team fantasy football league, sponsored by businesses based throughout the state of Tennessee, will pay out a $10,000 first prize to a charity designated by the winner. Young has already mentioned how badly he wants to turn that prize over to his charity, the Scramble From The Pocket For The Cure Foundation, to benefit cancer research.

“That Kitna guy did alright last year. I could take him. I had Jake Delhomme and Philip Rivers last year, and those guys didn’t put up good numbers, but I think they’re better fantasy QBs than me. At least they have some weapons on their teams. Rivers has Antonio Gates, the No. 1 fantasy TE. I tried to talk to [Titans RB] LenDale [White] about how I don’t have any quality offensive weapons on my team, but he didn’t seem interested. He probably doesn’t do fantasy.”

Young plans to pick his No. 1 fantasy QB at or around the 6th round, “before somebody starts a run and I get stuck with Chad Pennington or some shit. I also want to draft my defense and kicker in the last two rounds. It’s too bad Kenny Irons got hurt; he was one of my sleepers this year. Just think, with a good draft, I can win my fantasy Super Bowl and that big $10,000 prize. That’s my goal this year. Plus I think I get a T-shirt, too.”

“How awesome would that be? Me wearing my Fantasy Football Champs T-shirt to practice in the last week of the season. Man, I just know the guys would be so jealous of me and all the hard work I put in to winning my fantasy league. It’s too bad they’ll never know that feeling, the feeling of being a fantasy football champion.”

“I might get the Colts defense, too. Just in case…”

It took lots of research, but I think I finally have my draft board all set for Thursday. We’re drafting early this year, but I don’t think it should be much of a problem. I don’t see any Portis-type injuries on the…

OH FUCK!!!!! FRANK GORE BROKE HIS FUCKING HAND!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

Oh God. Oh god, what do I do now? I mean, what the fuck do I do now? It took hours just to slot him fourth! And now… now where the fuck do I put him? Does he stay in the Willie Parker tier, or does he drop to the Willis McGahee tier? What if I draft 7th or at some other queer slot? And where the FUCK do I rank him for my keeper league?

Oh, God. I think I’m gonna shit my pants.

What if I have to pick between him and Brian Westbrook? Should I skip both and take a lesser back with no injury problems? But what if THAT guy gets injured and Gore returns to stud form? God, I would hang myself if that happened. Should I take a receiver instead? What if he gets injured? Christ, then I’ll want to commit seppuku.

Relax, Drew. He’s a stud. Remember when you drafted him in the 4th last year? Made you feel like a fucking genius, didn’t it? He’ll come through. Don’t be afraid to draft him. Old Gorey’s still got the magic!

Unless Michael Robinson bogarts his goal line carries.

FUCK.

OH, DAMN YOU, PRACTICE! DAMN YOU TO HELL! FOOTBALL PLAYERS DON’T NEED TO FUCKING PRACTICE! LEARNING ISN’T WORTH THE DANGER, I TELL YOU!

I want all skill position players frozen in carbonite until the season begins. You hear me, head coaches! Quit toying with my potential prized possessions, you Machiavellian fucks!

Maybe his hand will heal in time. Maybe it’s nothing. But God, what if it’s something? What if this impairs his receiving abilities? What if he loses his 3rd down touches? What if he fumbles? Oh God, not the fumbling again. I just can’t take it!

/downs shot of mezcal

Ah, the burning serves as a distraction. Must… not… worry… about… it…

But what if the hand just nags the shit out of him all year long and he’s always Questionable every week? Guhhhhhh. The word Questionable gives me hives. I can’t draft questionable. I must draft fucking definitive!

Maybe I should just take Peyton Manning and roll the dice with Jamal Lewis or something.

/bashes head against wall

/swallows handful of Advil

AHHHHHH, I CAN’T BELIEVE HE BROKE HIS HAND! WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN MY OWN, GOD?! GAHHHHHHH!!!!

I don’t know why they call it Fantasy football. This is a fucking nightmare.

I suck at naming fantasy teams. Every year I come up with a fantasy team name (last year’s were Babette’s Meast and Hot Carl Lee), and every year I discover myriad other team names that put mine to shame. This is disappointing, as 50% of the joy I derive from fantasy football comes from naming and drafting my team. Everything after that is almost a letdown. There are 10 to 12 teams in every league (or, if you happen to be Punter and lack the ability to count, 14). Chances are, my team isn’t going to be the one that wins. And, if I do happen to win, then I’m just another asshole who brags about winning his fantasy league. I fucking hate those people, and so do you. It’s all sort of downhill from the initial thrill of starting out the year. You Arizona Cardinal fans can surely sympathize.

Well, this year, the pressure was even higher to come up with an acceptable team name, because the good folks over at Yahoo! Sports have invited us to join their Blogger All-Star (oxymoron alert) League, which they’ll be covering from week to week. It features us, Will Leitch, MJD, and other assorted chronic masturbators. As such, we could not select team names that were dirty (Boner In Your Butt, anyone?), homophobic (Chris Simms Is A Fag!), or ethnically displeasing (South Carolina Cracka Ass Crackas). This, as you might guess, created an almost impossible challenge for myself and my KSK colleagues. It meant we had to come up with names that were actually clever. Not our strongest suit. In fact, it’s not even a suit we have in our wardrobe.

There are no real rules to coming up with a fantasy team name. They tend to fall into categories: Dirty, Film/TV/Music/Internet references, News references, Puns, and Potpourri. Names can overlap categories, of course. But, for this exercise, let’s tackle these one by one. It’s a fantasy name brainstorming session! Actually, since we’re dealing with my brain, it’s more of a brainfogging session. I’ll be assisted by some KSK friends, including flubby, who excels at this practice (his NCAA pool name this year? Octopussybasket.).

Dirty Names
Unusable for our Yahoo! League, but usable for the KSK keeper league. Dirty names never get old, because they are dirty. Sure, Space Dockers is not the most original team name. But hey, it’s space docking. It’s funny, because it’s horrible. Here were a few during my initial brainstorm session:

-Laser Rocket Cocks
-Fuck You Brandon Jacobs
-Penis Toaster
-TO Loves The Cock
-Cock Salad
-Ass Sashimi
-Angry Butt Pirates
-Strawberry Shortcakes
-Dildo Dishwasher
-Beaver von Bismarcks
-Carolina ‘Gina

None of these are good. In fact, they’re all horrible. I don’t know how you make a cock salad, and I don’t want to find out. I assume ranch dressing is used for symbolic purposes. Laser Rocket Cocks is almost acceptable, because it works in a football reference. But, overall, these are God awful.

Film/TV/Music/Internet References
Fact: Over 70 million fantasy teams last year were named Whale’s Vaginas. The problem with making references now is that everything has officially been referenced. Think that Krull reference was a great pull? Wrong. Lots of other people also grew up in the 80’s, too. Jagoff. Frankly, I blame “Family Guy” and “I Love The 80’s” for beating every possible reference available into the ground. Even Internet references like “Carl Mondays” and what not can get tired within 24 hours (especially in our hands!).

Still, that won’t stop millions from naming their team “Sexy Time Explosions” this coming year. And you know what? It’s still pretty fucking funny. Here were some from my discard pile:

-A Planet Full Of Unicorns
-Mischievous Badgers
-Sandy Sullivan’s Gaping Snatch
-GoLords
-Destiny’s Frankensteins
-Man Vs. Zakk Wylde
-Koolaid Maroneys
-Big Black Cocks With Pearly White Cum (this may also fit in the Dirty category)
-Pumps And A Bump
-Mary Worth’s Suicide Watch
-Spidermanbearpigs
-The Ambiguously Gay Uffords

As you can see, it’s hard not to spruce up some of these references with salty language. Additions like “gaping snatch” are always an improvement. And look, a Hammer reference! But not a reference to when Hammer was popular, but to his ill-fated gangsta makeover! It’s doubly ironic! Koolaid Maroneys makes me happy, and any chance to make fun of Ufford is always time well spent. Otherwise, some of these names are about as funny as a new Deadspin commenter.

News References
Current events in sports or other news are always a good foundation for naming teams. Especially if it refers to an athlete or coach who is in trouble. It’s an enjoyable way of laughing at another person’s personal anguish. Why, I just spent an hour today trying to think of every possible name involving the word Ookie. And any reference to a coked-out Lindsay Lohan is guaranteed to remain current. The problem, of course, is that most news references can grow old before the end of the year. Don’t believe me?

-Smoot’s Fingercuffs
-Scooter Labia
-Britney’s Flobee
-Mitt’s Massholes
-Joslyn Morse’s Manpussy
-Virginia Gameness
-Ookie Monsters
-The Killing Of A Chinese Ookie
-Ookie Blaylocks
-Fortune Ookies
-Ookie Cutters
-Ookie Monsters
-Ookie Wilsons

Fred Smoot and Scooter Libby jokes. Man, do those topics have legs! Especially in a keeper league! I liked “The Killing Of A Chinese Ookie”, but Yahoo! wouldn’t allow names longer than 20 characters. Buttfuckers. I use the word “Manpussy” any chance I get, but that was out. As you can see, I went a bit overboard on the Ookie references, which brings us to…

Puns
Fantasy team names bring out the aspiring New York Post headline writer in all of us (my personal favorite Post headline, regarding a scam at Ground Zero: “Ash-Holes”). Puns are considered hacky, lame, and the refuge of a shitty writer. Which is why I thought of hundreds of them. I’ll only list a couple here to spare you the pain.

-Otis Spunksmeyer
-Goodell Ship Lollipop
-Schorno for Pyros
-The Cunt of Monte Cristo
-Tits Ahoy

I write ad headlines for a living. If it weren’t for puns, 99% of all advertising would cease to exist. As would shitty, horrible team names like these.

Potpourri
Freed from confining genre names, random names allow you to come up with shitty names or in-jokes that have nothing to do with much of anything. GO WILD!!!!

-Body by Mangini
-Bong Hits For Satan
-The Winking Nipples
-Maraschino Jeff Garcias
-Dan Shanoff’s Shaved Back

Body By Mangini was a personal favorite of mine, since it made fun of Eric Mangini (he has tits!) and myself (I do too!) simultaneously. Pot jokes always get a good reception. People love substance abuse. I have no evidence that Shanoff shaves his back. That was all through the power of my imagination.

As I said, many of these categories overlap, which is how I came up with my final team names.

KSK League: Brian’s Dong

Yahoo! League: BradyQuinn Handparty

Brian’s Dong is a combo of Dirty Name, Movie Reference, and Lame Pun. But I liked the fact that it represented the gay porn name for some old football weepie I never watched. Starring Gay Sayers!

Yahoo! has accepted the latter name for now. No one can resist a tribute to this photo:

And the Borat reference, while tired, was fitting. EXTREMELY fitting. So it had that going for it, which was nice.

But names are in the eye of the beholder. You may like the name Brian’s Dong. You may prefer Pan Down For Reggie Bush. Regardless, the important thing is that YOU like the name you picked for your team. After all, you’re the only asshole on Earth who cares about it. Until Week 10, when Larry Johnson tears his patellar tendon.

So happy naming to you, fair fantasy players. I hope you come up with something better than the shit I came up with. I’m quite certain you will. Your names welcome in the comments.

And if you’d like to know the names of the teams in the KSK Keeper League, here they are:

-Brian’s Dong
-My Hot Babysitter Raped Me
-Mattoon Green Wave (Hey Leitch, try something new for once)
-No Poon For Plaxico Tax
-We Are The Diamonds, We Come From Glasgow
-Cum Dumpsters
-Birmingham Church Fire (from UM, an inspried choice)
-Canada Roughriders
-Al Harris’ Fruit Bowl
-Gaza Striptease
-Gabelicious
-Misconstrudas
-Mr. Irrelevant (Way to make an effort, Mottram)
-Cleverly Named Team (from DJ Gallo. There’s a reason he gets paid to make jokes and I do not.)

Just as you are, we’re gearing up for the holiday that celebrates challenging authority, blowing shit up, and casually neglecting the rights of women. Independence Day is Wednesday, which totally fucks our week, blah blah blah we’re gonna be lazy assholes.

We’re not posting tomorrow, and we’ll be fortunate to get one post up for Thursday and Friday. We don’t like it either, but this is how it’s going down. Some of us will be out-of-town, or even out-of-country, and you’ll have to split time with the people that put up with our shit in real life. When the withdrawal starts to set in, just remember that training camps will open less than three weeks after we come back, and to use lotion. Or sunscreen. Anything with lubricative properties is good.

And, oh yeah, the contest to pick the owner of KSK’s 14th fantasy team ended Saturday. We received over 11,000 submissions, give or take. The quality of your work was high, and the debate over who deserved to win was (sort of) intense. In the end, it came down to who we thought would make the best addition to our league. By the end of the contest, we had it narrowed down to four people, and the final decision was not unanimous.

We’ll be sharing our favorite submissions with you over the next couple weeks, and you can see what kind of badassery your submission was up against. Plus it helps us keep being lazy. That’s a win-win.

The 14th member of the KSK Fantasy Football League is Sarah, better known as commenter/troublemaker SportsGirl365 from the blog Strike Zones and End Zones. In the end, we liked her style, football knowledge, and her ability to deliver (and receive) trash talk.

Please give Sarah your warmest welcome in the comments.

UPDATE: Sarah’s submission appears below. I think she’s gonna fit right in:

We’ve been going through the thousands of submissions you’ve sent us for the FF contest, and, in a interesting reversal, it has been US enjoying YOUR work over the last couple of weeks. Your pics and stories have been most entertaining, and we would be remiss if we did not share the ones that didn’t suck the love. We will continue to accept entries through the weekend.

This submission comes from Muffmaster C, and rather than prattle on, I’ll simply give him the floor:

I know that I have exceeded the mandated 250 word count, but I think it will be worth your while:

Being from the Chicagoland area, I venture up north to Wisconsin a couple times a year to get fall-down drunk and harass the degenerate cocksuckers that are Packer fans. Last summer a couple buddies and I made the trek to Manitowish Waters (imagine “The Great Outdoors” sans the lonely, but fuckable local girl) and hit up one of the many dive bars that plague this bastard child of a state.

Sporting orange and blue we waltz in like we own the joint and get more dirty looks than Isaiah Washington at a Gay Pride Parade. As the booze starts flowing, so do our overtly loud comments regarding Brett Favre’s drug dependencies and Charles Martin’s demise (isn’t karma a bitch). From the back of the bar someone yells, “At least our coach isn’t a limp dick, boner pill hustler.”

The moderately-sized crowd parts like the Red Sea and there stands a Rastafarian looking d-bag sporting flip-flops and socks. Not recognizing this guy, Dan (part of our crew) fired back with “I loved your work in ‘Cool Runnings’.” At this point, Ziggy Marley realizes that we are a bunch of drunk assholes, mutters “Eat a dick” just loud enough for us to hear and gets back to his game of pool.

We polish off a few more rounds and we hear people saying something about Al Harris. Simultaneously we all realized that Douchey McRaggae was none other than the aforementioned Packers cornerback. Relatively shitfaced, we wrap at the bar and take one last parting shot as we walk out the door, “Harris, you get beat more than a red-headed step child.”

And as we walk by the floor-to-ceiling window in front of the bar we hear a knocking sound and see Al Harris drop his pants, slap his dong on the glass and flip us off while nodding like a bobble-head. Bewildered and thinking we’re about to get our asses kick by a professional athlete we all ran like girls made a clean get away without a confrontation.

I wish I could have told you that Al was molesting farm animals with some teammates, but the Packers hadn’t drafted A.J. Hawk yet.

Thanks, Muff!

As the search for the 14th member of the KSK fantasy league continues, I’d like to take a moment to post some excellent submissions from readers. They’re short, NFL-related, not a link to a blog post, and make no mention of the applicant’s fantasy league playoff history.

First off, this fun story about Ben Roethlisberger from our new friend Ken Dynamo (edited slightly for spelling and clarity, because most of our readers are only semi-literate, which is totally fine with us).

Big Ben at the Grammys in 2006. Overdressed as usual.

My friend is in Vegas by the craps table when he runs into Ben Roethlisberger, a few other Steelers, and their entourage. (This is after Roethlisberger’s rookie year before the motorcycle accident, so he’s still being treated like the man.) My friend is completely shitfaced and stays to watch Roesthlisberger throw dice. Everybody is cheering Ben on like it’s the Super Bowl until he craps out, at which point the table goes silent. My drunk friend then interjects “Roethlisberger? More like… CRAPSlisberger!”

The silence continues until Roethlisberger finally says, “You know what man, people have been kissing my ass all night, and I did crap out. Let’s get a drink.” So my friend stays and raps with Roethlisberger for a few drinks, and the conversation turns to, as you would assume, stuffing sorority chicks at Miami, Ohio. Roethlisberger claimed that he would pick a sorority and then try to plow every single member. My friend then asked, “Even the fat ones?” To which Roethlisberger replied, “Well, that’s part of the challenge.” “It’s a matter of principle.”

I can’t attest to the veracity of the story, but I want it to be true, which is good enough for me.

Next up, a Kyle Orton Story that DOESN’T have drunk photos to go with it, courtesy of Chicagoland reader Mike:

Back in 2005, I happened to stop at a Dick’s Sporting Goods when Kyle Fucking Orton was doing an autograph signing. I actually waited in line for over an hour to get his autograph because my dad is his #1 fan and I am mildly retarded. When I was up, I had no idea if I was supposed to say thanks or whatever, so I told him he had an awesome neck beard (he does). To this he replied “blow me shithead” and I was escorted out of the store. Three days later, he got his ass handed to him by the Steelers and began his downward spiral into obscurity. All me.

Guy in the Middle: “Blow me, shithead.”

Excellent work, Mike. But c’mon — give Jack Daniel’s a little bit of credit.

Finally, we got this email from a reader I’ll only call “Jeff W.” No, that’s too obvious — make it “J. Wimer”.

go fuck yourselves, that’s my application. and btw, not one of you idiots could get laid in a womens prison with a fist full of pardons, no wonder you post drag queen pics.

Thanks for your input, Jeff! Of course we wouldn’t get laid in a women’s prison — we’re the Gay Mafia. Anyway, that’s not quite what we’re looking for, but we wish you well in your own fantasy league, where we’re sure you’re very well-liked.

Oh, and one final note on the juicy NFL player stories: people, we shouldn’t have to hold an idiotic contest to get these kinds of tips. We ALWAYS want to hear about your experiences with NFL players. Especially if it’s gay sex!