Electronic Arts tried to keep the new Madden in the conversation for an extra blogcycle a few days ago by claiming that there were nine “finalists” for the cover of the Madden ‘10 game (which included Matt Cassel for some reason), when really it turned out to be the duo that the Arizona Republic reported a few weeks back. And yeah yeah, it’s the first time more than one player has appeared on the cover and a plague will befall both these men by the next sunfall. Really, I just wish they’d let you hit people after the play again. But I guess they’re saving that for when they stick Terrell Suggs on the front.

But what special features can we expect with the programmers tailoring the game to these two? Other than extensive hair care ads to be prominently displayed, of course.

POLAMALU:

SCENE: An alternate 2009. Thanks to the widespread success of fantasy football, a distracted populace has elected George Bush to a third term as President.  However, tension is mounting between the NFL and its players’ union, and if the two sides can’t come to an agreement soon, the 2009 season will be lost.  Aaron Schatz and his team of Football Outsiders have placed the NFL Doomsday Clock at five minutes ’til midnight…

VOICEOVER: “Beneath me, this awful comments section, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. The Internet.

“On Friday night, an All-Pro died.  Jared Allen. The Comedian.

“A dangerous drunk.  Unpredictable.  But one of the best.  His head disappeared inside his body when he hit the pavement.

“Someone’s killing All-Pros. Have to find out why. Have to find out WHO.  Have to warn the others.  Will go to the Nite Cardinal first.”

(more…)

Quite a 27th birthday bash for Ben Rongrastname. First (purportedly and puffedly) partying it up in Vegas. Then hopping to L.A. for the Watchmen premiere, where he chose to stand for a photo in front of the worst possible poster.

Even though he’s quarterbacked my favorite team to two Super Bowl titles, is it okay for me to hate Ben because he saw this movie before me? (His review: BLUE GUY IS BIGGER THAN BIG BEN!”) Nah, I’ll go with being only six months older than me and already accomplishing more in life than I ever will. DAMN YOU! Also, he’s still with Missy Peregrym apparently.

Jokel: You just could no ret me go, courd you? This is what happens when unstoppable folce meet immovaberr object. You tlury incorruptiberr? You no kirr me out of mispraced sense of serf-lighteousness, and I no kirr you, because you is supell funtime. I think you and I all destined to do this follever.

Batmalard: You’ll be in a padded cell forever. A CELL PADDED WITH THE INNARDS OF LASERFACE VICTIMS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

Jokel: Maybe we sharl padded cerr. We doubre up the late this city’s inhabitants rosing they-ll minds.

Batmalard: I can’t understand what you’re saying Charlie Chan the wide receiver. Maybe if you could go and get fucked in American, like we speak in this country, people would respect you better.

Tell my groin it’s going to be okay. Lie! Like I did!

The night is darkest just before I limp off the field nursing an injury I could play through. And I promise you, the limping is coming.

You thought we could be decent running backs with an indecent ability. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and my diminutive backup is the clear superior. No matter how much lean meat protein I take in.

James Norvon Jr.: Why’s Batmalard running, coach?

Lt. James Norvon: Because James Harrison has to chase him.

James Norvon Jr.: He didn’t do anything wrong.

Lt. James Norvon: Because he’s the hero the NFL deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So Silverback will hunt him. Because he can take it. And because he can float the ball out of bounds or spike it at running backs’ feet. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a brash, shit-talking guardian, a watchful protector. A douche knight.

Some people may find it curious that I’m bothering to announce my retirement now, when I haven’t played since last year. The timing of the Saints-Falcons game is a nice touch, but not really why I’m bowing out now.

Spare me the geriatrics jokes. Yeah, I’m an old man. I still got it. But even as a kicker, it takes a lot of work to stay in football shape when you’re out of the game and waiting for that phone call.

Have to tell the press the right things. The God-honest truth is I could keep going. It’s been a good run. I’d go far as to say a blessing. And I’m not much one for religion. ‘Cause we outlawed it in Europe.

Even with the records, it’s not about a lack of motivation. I could play the game until they put me deep in the ground.

But, man, once I get my hands on that Dark Knight Blu-Ray tomorrow, I’m not doing shit for six months. Possibly not ever again. You might think that last comeback with the Falcons was to establish myself as the highest scorer in NFL history? Pfft, that ain’t nothing. I was all about cultivating my weed contacts through Ookie, and oh did I ever. My friends over in Amsterdam can only dream about the sticky I can dig up.

I couldn’t get fucked up when I saw Dark Knight on IMAX over the summer ’cause I had the wife with me and she doesn’t approve. Typical. Do you know how pretty movies look in Blu-Ray? I stuck Wall-E in the other day and never watched the movie ’cause I kept staring at the menu screen for three hours.

But a good movie? I’m done. DONE.

I wish you could see this, Ookie. It’s like they invented it for you.

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Tonight… They were just ordinary people…

Claire: God, I feel so ordinary despite my flawless skin and supple curves. I always felt like I was destined for something more…

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Who discovered they had EXTRAORDINARY powers…

Claire: Holy shit! I can heal! And this season I turn into an even HOTTER future self! Without a douchebag flying emo boyfriend! GO CLAIRE!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Powers they can only begin to even comprehend…

Peter Petrelli: My God! I can absorb anyone else’s powers! Except for the ability to turn in a credible acting performance!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: And tonight, they discover they are not alone…

(more…)