Kissing Suzy Kolber » fake holidays

NFL PostSecret Week 12, Thanksfibbing

Christmas Ape — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 06:04:00 +0000

Thanksgiving is one of the worst times of the year for dishonesty. Usually family only breeds that sort of thing, but the mixture of special occasions, alcohol and tryptophan brings out the candor in everybody. Assorted NFL personnel have tried to head off that uncomfortable eventuality by entrusting their deepest secrets to the trustworthy, bad MS Painty care of NFL PostSecret.
NFL PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where players and coaches or whoever I feel like making fun of mails in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It’s also a satire of this.

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Tuesday, November 20, 2007 1:11 PM

Rumors >>> Secrets

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Monday, November 19, 2007 7:53 PM

He’s no teenage stock boy at the Whole Foods.

Kevin Everett Honorary Meast of the Week: National Coming Out Day Special HEYYYY

Christmas Ape — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 15:53:00 +0000

Today is 20th annual National Coming Out Day, in which “members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and tranny hooker communities and their supporters (often referred to as “allies” or, if you’re the Dead Tree Crew, “FAGGOTS”) show pride and wish for planets full of unicorns. It is highly encouraged for participants in this movement to wear identifying symbols, such as the pink triangle, Ravens jerseys, the Greek letter lambda and rainbows, in jewelry and on their clothing, to demonstrate their presence in all walks of life, all ages and all ethnic groups.”

I know, I know. Hold off on the predictable jokes about Jeff Garcia and the Mannings for a sec, won’t you, Tony Dungy? We’re here to honor people like Ufford, possessed of homicidal rage but comfortable enough in their sexuality to wear pinstripe pants and pink shirts.

This week’s Meast is Mike Sellers, who, despite having played in the CFL, is a killer of men, tamer of Lions, and also an accenter of beards. It’s those small stylistic touches that nicely top off a measty two TD performance against Detroit. He also has several new tattoos on his left arm: three large “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” skulls accompanied by the words “Fear No Man,” and a dark script of his nickname, “Dat Boy.” See, Sellers doesn’t fear the gays. Joe Gibbs and his band of parking lot degenerates could learn something.

Another Maddenoliday Miracle

Christmas Ape — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 11:52:00 +0000

Scoff all you want that Maddenoliday is just another holiday fabricated by Proctor & Gamble in order to sell trinkets and moon pies. I know better. EA Sports and Tiburon are beneficent forces in this world and one day you, too, shall understand.

Madden has become a cultural totem in the sense that people with little knowledge of football and video games can use it as a means to belittle those who do. And we need that. Without cultural shorthand, we’d actually have to try things before dismissing them as ridiculous.

It’s also a pretty fun game.

In the days when I was dewy-eyed, filled with wonder and had disposable income, I would reserve my copy of Madden in advance, not realizing that if you just went to Toys ‘R’ Us on the release date, they had 38 copies available while all the Herbs were clamoring at gaming stores.

But I miss the connection that only comes with rampant consumerism and misplaced priorities. So, to commune with my fellow Maddenites, last night before the midnight release I went to the nearest videogamery, which is the Gamestop on Duke Street in Alexandria, Va.

When I arrived at 10 p.m. to behold the assembled dregs, there were only two guys waiting outside the store. Hardly the throng I expected. One was a short, squat black guy in a Jason Campbell jersey. I thought it might have been the Maj, but he was carrying less than an ounce of weed.

The gate barring the front door was shuttered but you could see the store employees milling around inside.

I asked if they knew whether they’d reopen at midnight to sell the game. One of them said the store would start taking money at 10:10 and people would have to come back at midnight, because the store wouldn’t want to do any of that direct money for goods shit.

A store employee peeked through the gate to tell the guy they were moving it back to 10:15.

“Okay, okay, I’m gonna wait here,” he told the clerk. “So you better open up at 15. ‘Cause if you’re not open at 10:15, I’m calling Alexandria poe-lease and report you.”

After four minutes I decided I’d had enough.

I didn’t take any pictures of the two guys but on the way back I snapped this one of a humorously named Chinese carryout near my home.

Oh, and I think this Madden has gang tackles or something. And a roster update, which is all most of us ask of it. Excelsior!