The Lions seem to be making incremental gains in talent with each passing year since the exorcism of Dark Lord Millenstopheles, though it’s still a little premature to call them a decent team. They are, however, displaying marked gains in the capacity to amuse and delight, what with coach Schwartz publicly beating off to Jahvid Best highlights, while a helmeted, tube socked, ’97 era South Park shirted Zack Follett wanders into a CVS Target in search of tampons and Barbie Band-Aids to administer to the punished opponents of this year’s team.

With all these high jinx, I dare say my image of the Lions could very well change from

to

Chew chew!

/shoots water out of boutonniere

Last year, the Lions set the benchmark for failure to which all future failures will be compared, at least until the NFL expands its schedule to 18 games and some woebegone franchise (Redskins?) finds a way to lose that many games in a season. This year, the Rams look every bit as bad – possibly even worse – than that Detroit team from a year ago. Other than a matchup at currently winless Tennessee later in the season, this Sunday represents the Rams’ best chance at getting in the win column, seeing as how six of their final eight games pit them against teams with a .500 or better record. As fate would have it, it’s the Lions who could be the guardians of another epic NFL fail. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Same Ol’ Sorry Ass Rams____________________2008 Detroit Lions

Point differential through seven games

-151_________________________________-98

Number of times shutout

Twice_______________________________Zero

Is there an inconvenient crisis among the prominent industry in town that will lead to innumerable painful bailout jokes associated with the team’s horrid play?

Thankfully not (but they’d still like jobs)______________Oooohhhhh yeah

Are they responsible for Nelly or Kid Rock?

Nelly_____________________________Kid Rock

Pictoral approximation of failure

Medical failure analog

Kidney failure________________________Rectal prolapse

Meager redeeming quality

Avoided Rush Limbaugh as owner (through no fault of their own)______Suckered Dallas into paying big for Roy Williams

Finishing move

Laying down and dying quietly (on top of an animal)_________________Necrophilia fodder

[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]

Fail Lion: Royal iconographers! What news of the design of the my kingdom’s crest?

Royal iconographers: [Together] Thy task be done!

Fail Lion: You mean you did my bidding in a timely manner? Within the allotted period? Such deeds bespeak success! IT WAS MY DECREE THAT SUCCESS BE BANISHED FROM MINE EYES!

Royal iconographers: [Together] My liege, we submit that we did exceed your budget by a factor of three.

Fail Lion: I suppose that will do. Show me the fruits of thine labors.

Royal iconographers: [Together] We have added The Lines of Articulation! Now the royal banner has become slightly less abstract. The Lines of Articulation define a lion’s mouth, his mane and his crotchular fold. What’s more, the team font has been equipped with pointy serifs. A man could be impaled upon one.

Fail Lion: Lines of Articulation!? I asked for stink lines! Herald!

Herald: [Unfurls scroll]

Fail Lion: Do you not see the effect? Pungent fore and aft! He achieves both rectal gaseous and halitotal stink! Truly emblematic of our peoples.

Royal iconographers: [Together] We have then failed to carry out thy will, your majesty.

Fail Lion: Ho ho! So you have! Speak of other changes.

Royal iconographers: [Together] The team color is to be named Honolulu blue! Such an appellation, by reminding your subjects of better climes, only serves to reinforce their misery.

Fail Lion: [Giddily clapping] Atrocious! Abysmal! Expertly awful!

Royal iconographers: [Together] And we have needlessly rounded and italicized the jersey numbers.

Fail Lion: Ah, but every kingdom makes that failure with jersey redesign.

Royal iconographers: [Together] Then we have failed at being distinctive, as well as creating tasteful uniforms.

Fail Lion: Thy wisdom shines through. Such is a garment fit for a Stafford. Ready his quarters, for his will be glorious welcome. The groans of my subjects will strike a most melodious pitch.

[Kazoos play]