Dear aspiring and established journalists: events and facts should drive a story, not whim and conjecture. So if you could NOT gaze longingly at Mississippi every time a starting quarterback gets injured, that’d great. Thanks!
This is Jenn Sterger, former Florida State fangirl and in-house chew toy sideline reporter for the New York Jets. Today at the Mothership, my boss Daulerio says Sterger was on the receiving end of cell phone pictures of Brett Favre’s penis. Sent from the Penis Baron himself, a trick he no doubt learned from the Salisbury Institute. Let’s get into the nitty gritty:
We apologize: we have not covered the Favre goat story in the two whole days it has existed on the Internet. This is due both to our collective Favre fatigue and the inability of our resident goat-bondage expert PUNTE to weigh in on the subject. There are some pending criminal charges in South Carolina that keep him from sharing his expertise.
Anyway, it seems like only yesterday we were still talking about the woman who was traveling to Minneapolis with a live purple- and gold-painted goat with the number 4 shaved into its sides tied down in her trunk, with the apparent intent to sacrifice it near Brett Favre’s preseason debut on Friday.
However, as we all know, the goat was saved by fortuitous car trouble and the altruistic mechanics at Tires Plus in Winona, Minnesota — a tough blow for the subset of society that believes in a Chicago Cubs-like curse on the Vikings and also enjoys a good goat sacrifice. Moreover, the would-be blood offering to the football gods has been named Brett and is now living in Packers country, at the very same Favre-lovin’ farm that chose to make a Brett Favre corn maze last year instead of planting crops. (Native Americans call it “maize”) — it’s a small world when everyone’s insane about the same washed-up, self-centered quarterback. We can only guess that Brett the Goat will live happily on the farm for several months before he un-retires and ends up tied down in another car’s trunk. The first step to curing addiction is admitting you have a problem.
As we sift through the untidy aftermath of news stories dedicated to A FREAKING GOAT TIED UP IN A TRUNK JUST BECAUSE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH FAVRE, perhaps the greatest development in this was MyFox New York’s decision to segue this story into a sport that dates back to 13th century Afghanistan. Because it involves goats, you see:
Goats also play a major role in Afghanistan’s national sport — Buzkashi. Translated into English, Buzkashi means “goat grabbing” or “goat killing.”
Not to be confused with the Irish national sport, Boozekakke.
And finally, no Internet story is complete without mention of fainting goats. They’re the Tarvaris Jackson of sacrificial goats!
It’s funny because Brett Favre is indecisive, you see.
(thanks to Upstate Underdog)
Oh man. Oh God. Oh man. Oh God. Between cat massage and ferrets and watching Big Daddy Drew writhe in misery about the Favre signing, this is possibly my favorite day I’ve ever had on the Internet.
I, for one, LOVE this move by the Vikes — and you can, too. Join me, friends. You can bask in the glory of the Favre in Viking purple. The secret: avoiding ESPN at all costs. Take away the Worldwide Leader’s non-stop coverage of Favre, take away their years of worshipful praise, take away their hypocritical indignance in today’s coverage, and you can appreciate this for what it is: delicious, delicious schadenfreude. Suck it, Minnesconsin!
FRAN TARKENTON A STOIC HERO TO THE HOPELESS AND DOWNTRODDEN. In a radio interview, the Hall of Fame scrambler of legend called Brittfar’s three-ring retirement circus “despicable” and that he hopes Favre signs with the Vikings “so he can fail”. He also goes on to note that Brett has made more stupid plays than any other QB ever. Well, Fran, I hope you know some other baron you can acquire land from because you’re about to blackballed by this one. [Sports Radio Interviews via tWWL]
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