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There’s been a lot of grumbling over the years for a national amendment to the Constitution to legalize gay marriage. There are a lot of rights that married couples have that the pillow-biters don’t have. But what about the rights that gay couples have? Like the right to go into a bathroom stall and have sex whenever they want? Being the same gender means they can use the same bathroom. Straight couples can’t do that. This really has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.

The Miami Dolphins are one of six teams to start the season 0-3. The others are the Rams, Browns, Chiefs, Titans, and Buccaneers. The Tennessee Titans won their division last year. So did the Dolphins. The Buccaneers almost won their division, but they didn’t. And the Chiefs and Browns weren’t even close to winning their divisions. Winning a division is hard in pro football. It’s not as hard as winning a conference, but it’s harder than winning a single game.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have lost two games in a row, first to the Chicago Bears and then this past weekend to the Cincinnati Bengals. They seem to have trouble against teams from cities starting with the letter C, but why? How would they do against the Carolina Panthers? The team plays in Charlotte, North Carolina. That starts with C, but they don’t call themselves Charlotte, they call themselves Carolina. “Carolina” starts with C, but Carolina’s not a city. It’s not even a state. Maybe its an American territory, like Guam. Lovely summers in Guam, though the child prostitution there isn’t what it used to be.

Brett Favre threw another game-winning touchdown pass last weekend. San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary only played six defensive backs against Favre on that last defensive play, but why? Why not play eleven defensive backs? You know he’s going to throw it? Maybe the next time that happens, Singletary should play ten defensive backs, and one defensive lineman, or perhaps a very angry dog.

Jim Mora Junior seemed pretty put off when his Seattle Seahawks kicker missed two field goals in a game that Mora’s team lost by six points. Coaches and kickers never really get along in the first place, but why? Kickers are usually out of shape and only good at one particular skill. Football coaches are out of shape and only good at one particular skill, and some of them aren’t even good at that. And then there’s Dick Jauron, who’s anorexic and not particularly good at anything. Sounds like my granddaughter, Millie. Her name’s really Angela-Renee, but I like to call her Millie. Sounds less French.

And Detroit won its first game in nearly two years on Sunday. People in Detroit need something to feel good about these days, but why? They’re not building cars anymore. People there can’t afford to live in houses anymore. And the schoolchildren there suffer from low self-esteem since their mommies and daddies can’t afford to buy them all those nice things they see on TV. It won’t be long before Ma and Pa start pimping out these little tikes to the highest bidders in the U.S., Canada, or however far you can send a child with UPS’ two-day shipping. That has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.

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I don’t think I like these new energy efficient light bulbs. They have this fancy new design that makes it look like some kind of pasta noodle, but why? Why design the glass part of the bulb to look like the screw part of the bulb? How do we know which end to stick into the socket? If we really wanted to be energy efficient, we’d all settle for candle wax stains in our carpeting.

Kurt Warner only threw two incomplete passes in Arizona’s win over Jacksonville Sunday. Nobody seems to want to watch the Jaguars play this season, but why? I think it’s because of Warner’s outspoken love for Jesus. And maybe something to do with the economy, too. Our country’s so poor right now that we can’t even afford a white president.

Everyone seems surprised that the Bears beat the Steelers last week in a pouring rain. Pro football makes its players play in the rain. That doesn’t happen in baseball, since the first baseball players in America were made entirely of sugar. Bears quarterback Jay Cutler isn’t made of sugar or spice or anything nice at all. How could somebody making so much money look so upset all the time. I have one guess. Hemorrhoids.

Jerry Jones opened a new stadium for the Dallas Cowboys over the weekend, but why? What was wrong with the old stadium. He made the roof the same shape and the seats the same color. Nobody would build a bigger house and then make it the same as their old house. That just seems silly to me. And then the New York Giants came over and beat the Cowboys on a last-second field goal. Usually in new surroundings, it’s the dog that soils the rug first.

People in Washington seem upset that Washington only beat the St. Louis Rams by two points Sunday, but why? They won the game, and yet people are still talking about firing Jim Zorn. It’s true that people get fired in Washington all the time, whether they’re doing their jobs or not. But I notice that Jim Zorn might be one of the skinniest coaches in the league. Surely it wouldn’t cost much to move him. Surely Dan Synder is keeping Zorn on staff because he costs less to feed.

The Miami Dolphins had the football for 45 minutes in their Monday Night game. And they still lost, but why? Why not take some of that time holding the football and just hide it? Peyton Manning can make all the hand signals he wants, but he can’t score a point if he can’t find the ball. I remember when I was in prep school; we used to take the smallest girls we could find and lock them in the janitor’s closet. Then we would tell the freshmen that the janitor was a child molester. Turns out he actually was, but none of us knew that at the time. That has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.

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People say baseball is the American pastime. But what about football? More Americans watch football on Sundays than anything else on television. But baseball gets more viewers during the week. But that’s probably because football games aren’t played during the week. But there’s not much tackling in baseball. Or padding. It’s probably because of the summer heat, which is much hotter than winter heat, or even autumn heat.

Pittsburgh and Tennessee played on Thursday. One team is named after a city, and the other team is named after a state, but why? I don’t like teams being named after entire states, so I’m glad that the team named after a city won the game. Next year the NFL might name a team after the entire country. They’ll try to get everyone rooting for the United States Jaguars.

Donovan McNabb was hurt in his game on Sunday, but why? It was very common in the pre-industrial days for Negroes to fake injuries to get out work. The same thing happened to Juanita, my housekeeper. She’s Puerto Rican, but you get the idea.

Brandon Stokley caught a tipped pass and then ran all the way to the endzone. He tried to take more time by running parallel to the goaline for a while, but why? Why are the white players trying to make friends with certain parts of the field? I remember back in my Army days when I had a special courtship with a certain mailbox on 43rd and Broadway. I’ll always remember that mailbox. That was the second time my genitals got infected with tetanus. The nurses never seemed to mind the first time.

Seattle scored 28 points and shut out the St. Louis Rams. The Rams wear blue helmets with gold horns, but the horns used to be yellow. They changed the colors a few years ago, but why? I remember when the horns used to be white. It would be too dark on the helmet to make them black. The Vikings still have white horns on their helmets, but that’s probably because there aren’t any Negroes in Minnesota.

Drew Brees plays for the New Orleans Saints, and he threw six touchdowns against the Detroit Lions on Sunday. It wasn’t long ago when New Orleans was ravaged by a hurricane, and just recently people in Detroit lost their jobs when the job market crashed. None of this has anything to do with Drew Brees. I just think it’s interesting.

There were two games on Monday night this week, but why? Why not just have all the games on Monday night, and let people decide which games to watch. They could listen to the game on the phone if they wanted to. I remember when phones still had cords on them. You could swing the phone around on the cord all the time. It was a perfect device for getting the lady of the house back in line. But I couldn’t do that if I have to watch two football games on Monday night. There’s so little time for beating your wife during the week as it is. None of this has anything to do with football. I just think it’s interesting.

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