People with Blackberries are a fact of life now. I’m grown somewhat immune to fuckheads who will happily tap away at a Blackberry in the middle of meetings, dinners, drinks out, movies, and the like. All because they CAN’T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF GOING THREE GODDAMN MINUTES WITHOUT SEEING IF SOMEONE WROTE ON THIER FUCKING FACEBOOK WALL OR SOME GAY SHIT LIKE THAT.

I can’t fight the tide. If people are going to be shitheads with their Blackberries and iPhones, so be it. I’m tired of trying to rail against them.

But you know what I won’t abide? I will not abide fuckhead asshole douchebags who will happily leave their Blackberries lying around while they tend to other matters, thus allowing their stupid fucking Blackberries to ring incessantly at a spine-piercing volume.

I see people do this all the time. And it makes me want to hunt them down and hack them to death with a paper cutter blade. Hey fuckhead, PICK UP YOUR FUCKING PHONE OR PUT IT ON VIBRATE. Or take it with you to the shitter. Is it so hard? Instead, I gotta sit there while some asshole phone starts going dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun DUNDUNDUN! dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun DUNDUNDUN! dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun DUNDUNDUN! dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun DUNDUNDUN! dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun DUNDUNDUN!

You know that Blackberry ring. That obnoxious, stupid, soul-raping ring. SO HELP ME GOD, IF I CATCH ONE MORE PERSON DO THIS IN PUBLIC, I WILL EAT THEIR BLACKBERRY AND SHIT THE REMAINS OF IT INTO THEIR FUCKING HANDBAGS. DIE. STOP LIVING. BECOME DEAD. I WANT YOU MURDERED.

We were going to have only one Meast this week, and that was Larry Fitzgerald.

Why was Fitty left uncovered for the entire first half? Because YOU CAN’T FUCKING COVER FITTY. So he was all set to be our only meast, and then US Airways pilot Chesley B. “FACKIN’ SULLY!” Sullenberger III safely landed a powerless passenger jet on the Hudson River and saved the lives of 155 people.

I believe that gets you co-meast honors. Honestly, that is all kinds of awesome. Bet HE doesn’t leave Blackberries lying around to ring for hours on end. Get that man a bottle of Booker’s and the finest chocolate hooker money can buy. SAVING LIVES GETS YOU THE CHUCK BARKLEY BLOWJOB PACKAGE.