This morning, ESPN announced it had reached an eight-year extension of its broadcasting agreement with the NFL. As a result, the Worldwide Leader will retain rights to “Monday Night Football” through 2021, all for the low, low supersaver price of $1.9 billion a year. Just what the owners need to lock the players out all over again in a few years. At least we know we’re guaranteed to have two or three more horrible experiments with the third announcer after someone finally, mercifully gives Gruden another coaching job.

Of course, ESPN doesn’t just pour money into a sports league without ensuring that their completely even-handed coverage priorities match their investment. Which is why several already bloated ESPN NFL shows are getting expanded, while others will be created new out of whole terrible cloth. As many as 12! 12 GODDAMN NEW SHOWS!

How exactly does the network intend to fill 500 (500!) new hours of NFL-related programming each year? Even less coherence? You bet!

Schefter Hours

ESPN Senior NFL Reporter Adam Schefter accompanies various NFL players to lavish nightlife spots throughout the year. While the players focus on groupies and occasionally get arrested, Schefter mostly busies himself in the background updating his Twitter feed. In one notable episode, Kenny Britt is unsuccessful in getting Schefter laid.

C’MON, MAN!

Expanding what was a tedious segment on pregame shows into a full-blown spinoff, producers soon discover that the concept wears a little thin as a 60-minute daily feature. They compensate for this by having Cris Carter draw out his “MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN” as long as possible. Carter dies of oxygen deprivation by the third week. Antonio Pierce assumes his role as co-host.

Trent.0

Designed as a transparent rip-off of Tosh.0, host Trent Dilfer is supposed to highlight and poke fun at wacky YouTube video posted by NFL fans. Instead, every show becomes a stream of highlight clips of the five quarterbacks in the league he considers to be “elite”. Three of them are Matt Ryan.

ESPNFL

With an impressive roster of former players turned analysts, the network decides to form its own league of retired NFLers. The plan goes awry when Tedy Bruschi keeps all the really good steroids for himself.

Herm Edwards, Mike Golic, Mark Schlereth and Merrill Hoge take turns having one-on-one discussions on weighty issues. First and final episode: “What is more important: guts or heart?” Internal organs are regretably removed on air to settle debate. ESPN slapped with massive FCC fines. Replaces original format with this on loop:

JACKED UP!

In a rare act of defiance, ESPN brings back “Jacked Up!”, only this time as an entire show. When the NFL complains that the network is celebrating the kinds of hits that lead to troubling injuries and bad publicity, ESPN agrees to cancel “Outside The Lines” if the program does one show on broken down former stars.

Fear Factorback

Merrill Hoge puts NFL running backs through a series of unsettling challenges to determine whether they are or are not a factorback. At no point does Hoge ever explain how completing said tasks makes them a factorback or even what a factorback is. Knowshon Moreno is never the same after Hoge dares him to let spiders lay eggs in his urethra.

Roger Ebert presents At The Movies

Traditional format of the show is kept, except the odd twist that reviewers have to switch the titles of movies with names of NFL teams. When test groups find Ebert’s face too frightening, he is replaced by John Clayton. Ebert regains job shortly thereafter.

Untitled Simmons Project

Placed on hiatus when ESPN attempts to name it “Grange” and forbids Simmons from ranting about how Tom Brady would make a better movie star than Ryan Reynolds.

The Tafoyas

Initially planned as a reality show following Michelle Tafoya’s working life and interactions at home, the idea was scrapped in the spring when Tafoya was hired away by NBC. Rather than come up with an entire new idea, the show will now be comprised entirely of Wendi Nix doing amateurish and insulting impressions of the former ESPN sideline reporter. Quickly becomes ESPN’s most popular studio show.

RINGS

Hosted by Eric Allen. Two NFL players, either current or former, are welcomed to the show each day. The one with more Super Bowl rings is found to be correct in all of his opinions, no matter how seemingly illogical. The other is outwardly mocked and usually has his mike cut a quarter of the way into the show. Charles Haley becomes a regular guest.

Arian Foster tweeted this MRI of his hamstring yesterday along with the following message.

This is an MRI of my hamstring, The white stuff surrounding the muscle is known in the medical world as anti-awesomeness http://moby.to/zta9xp

After studying this picture of a picture on a computer screen, ESPN’s Dr. Michael Kaplin (via John Clayton) was able to report that Foster could be out 3-4 weeks. It appears that Clayton has since deleted his tweet and replaced it with one that leaves out Dr. Kaplin and a the 3-4 week projection. Clayton did state quite definitively that Foster “has a tear,” which sounds bad but doesn’t necessarily mean anything more than “strain.”

For his part Houston Chronicle writer John McClain doesn’t seem to be terribly concerned about Foster missing extended time. To which I (and all other fantasy owners) say, “yippy-ki-yay, motherf*cker!” Because of Die Hard.

Long story short: ESPN sucks, and Arian Foster probably shouldn’t publish pictures of his insides.

Deleted tweets via Shutdown Corner.

This week, KSK is raising money for the Special Operations Warrior Fund through Matt Ufford’s Fight Gone Bad effort. Donate here. For more information, go here.

I mean, I can understand Rise of the Planet of the Apes sponsoring “NFL Live” — but letting the apes host the show? It seems less than journalistic, even by ESPN’s shoddy standards.

(screencap by Christmas Ape, appropriately enough)

Anyone who watches NFL Live on ESPN deserves every bit of the wanton retardery they get in return, whether it’s the unremitting Merril Hoge “factor back gutting it out for the football gods” talk or the fact that the show would confront something like Dez Bryant having to foot a huge restaurant tab for his teammates and pretend like it’s not a situation that happens to rookies in the league every single year.

The show’s been around long enough that you know generally what you’re in for, which is to say the usual screaming fatuousness that typifies all tWWL programming. But oh man, this new “Herminator” segment is a derp of a different color.

When I watch this, I feel like I’m looking at a scene taken out of a movie or skit show that is trying to satirize sports culture but is made by people with only the most faint understanding of how that world actually is. Or simply wants to paint it in a disparaging light using the broadest of strokes. Were it actually that, I would likely cringe and think to myself, “Hey now, SNL-type show, yeah, I know TV football talking head shows are plenty stupid, but c’mon… that’s just a teensy bit over the top, don’t you think? We’re not that dumb.”

And we’re actually not that dumb. Honest. And even though the vast majority of fans would agree this is incredibly lame and not worthy of anyone’s time, it still exists. A guy who was an NFL head coach – albeit a shitty, clueless one – as recently as 2008 is now doing a regular segment on a football TV show where he dresses in the super f*cking cliched garb from a movie that came out two decades ago and tries to pass it off as clever shtick.

I won’t watch NFL Live like I always don’t watch NFL Live. But I know some humorless asshole ranting about how sports are a waste and only for idiots can point to this and say it is a real, for-serious (okay, for-semi-serious) part of the landscape of the stupid, mindless thing you love in spite of your best interests. It would be an unfair knock, sure, but it’s true. And that sucks.

RECE DAVIS: Hello again, everyone. Rece Davis along with NFL insider Adam Schefter. As the league’s 32 teams are about to get ready for training camp, you’re just about to head out on the road, yourself. You’ll be joining Chris Mortensen on a cross-country bus tour to visit every NFL team.

SCHEF: That’s right Rece, I’ve been going over the particulars of the trip with Chris and we’re both excited about getting out to the camps and seeing these clubs prepare for their respective seasons. Our bus is ready and waiting for us and I’m just about to board. Chris and I have talked it over and he’s really excited to have somebody else in the bus this year.

MORT: I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANYONE in the bus this year! Last year, you let me do it by myself. LET ME DO THIS BY MYSELF!…It’s hard to…uh, research…when there’s another guy in the room, ya know?

[honking from outside]

BUS DRIVER: Time to get up and move out! Great! Grand! Wonderful! Trick of the day. NO YELLING ON THE BUS!

SCHEF: Hey, we’ve already got some talent on the bus already? Mort, you didn’t tell me that they had girls on the bus before you left last year!

MORT: That’s because they didn’t! I’m gonna send a very angry tweet about this!

SCHEF: Hey, Mort! Get a picture of us! Hang on, lemme look gangsta first.

MORT: You know, maybe we shouldn’t be taking pictures of this.

SCHEF: Jeez, Mort. This bus is amazing! I don’t know where these women intend to sleep, or even how they expect to be found once we dump them in upstate New York, but I’m sure appreciating all of their efforts. If only Vernon Davis could put out like this! Uh, hang on. That came out wrong.

MORT: Hang on buddy, I’m in the middle of a very important interview. So, Fat girl’s ass, would you say that the NFC West is wide open this year? Because it doesn’t get much more wide open than what I’m looking at right now.

How come these faggots get a bus and I don’t?

Last year’s.

PUNTE and Brandon recap Wednesday’s killer whale attack before learning about the power of Chantix. We visit with the famous and somehow still down-to-earth Jemele Hill, who was still working at ESPN when we reached her by phone, and we have a nice chat about life in front of a TV camera, Super Bowl week, the perils of Wikipedia, and Tiger Woods. Recorded Wednesday 2/24/10; runs 54 minutes.

On July 30th of this year, ESPN dispatched noted NFL reporter Chris Mortensen on a 21-city tour of the league’s training camps. However, ESPN news personnel soon discovered that Mortensen was also conducting reports for another media outlet, one that currently remains unknown at this time. ESPN seized the written reports and images immediately, with the intention of reviewing them for disciplinary action after Mortensen’s bus tour has been concluded. No one outside of the highest-ranking executives for the network has read the reports or seen the images from this alternative set of reporting. Until now.

July 30th: Chris Mortensen is reporting that there is a bus behind him. This bus, Mort explains, is the most lavish vehicle that has ever been in his charge, and admits that he’ll have a difficult time keeping his journalistic principles in check during the trip. “This is ESPN’s Chris Mortensen, reporting in front of my new 18-wheeled passport into the panties of women in 21 different NFL cities.” That it is, Mort. That it is.

August 4th: Mort visits Green Bay and has a delightful encounter with Darlene, a waitress at a nearby diner. “”Titletown doesn’t have the same level of talent that I’ve seen in Dallas , Tennessee, and Atlanta,” Mort tells us. “I thought they were going in full pads today, but turns out they’re just a beefy lot up here.” Mort and Darlene reportedly reached a deal. Terms were not disclosed.

August 6th: Mort’s bus rolls into Bourbonnais, Illinois for Bears camp. While looking for directions, Mort meets Kelli (with an “i”), an spohomore-to-be at Olivet Nazarene and, according to anonymous reports within the school, a very bad girl. Kelli tells Mort that Bourbonnais is located squarely within Kankakee County, and proposes that Mort gather some of the Bears together for a Kankakee-kkake. Mort leaves immediately, hoping to confirm the county’s whimsical name with a second source.

August 8th: Allen Park, Michigan, a town deader than the flying wedge or VHS format, but Mort manages to find life in Lions camp with Lisa, a PR intern responsible for distributing press releases to working media present in camp. Mort repays Lisa the favor with a release of his own.

August 10th: Mort finds himself in Latrobe, Pennsylvania with Kim, a 27-year-old lifeguard at a nearby community pool. Mort responds to Kim’s taunts of Steelers domination in the recent Super Bowl by proposing “one for the taint.” Kim is down with it.

Chris Mortensen reported that copious amounts of ass was there to be had, but that it was still too early to declare a clear favorite. Preseason, after all, is about getting reps for the younger people and sharpening skills for the veterans. Only one side can come out on top at the end of the campaign, Mort says. Here’s hoping that Mort gets a few more miles out of that bus before it’s time for the grind of a new NFL season.

My hometown is a finalist for ESPN’s TitleTown award. While we Louisvillians are grateful for whatever non-dead-horse related sports publicity we can garner, I’m pretty sure the Titletown designation got hashed out in Green Bay’s favor over forty years ago. Is this second capitalized “T” supposed to make if different somehow? Do the Packers’ accomplishments mean less since they happened before ESPN was created?

Green Bay is not completely screwed yet. They are also a “finalist” for ESPN’s version of the appellation. But why should they have to “win” something that’s been theirs exclusively for decades? Do I sound indignant? Am I doing this right? Are you sick of rhetorical questions?

Here’s a look at some other nicknames and honorifics that ESPN will be pretending to have the authority to put to a public vote in the near future:

…I’m drunk.

Generally, I eschew blogfrica’s national pastime of Simmons-bashing. It’s not exactly fresh and, frankly, others can do it much funnier and succinctly than I could, if I were so inclined. And while we know through credible sources Simmons detests KSK, we still have a soft-spot for the big lug (except Drew, he really fucking hates him).

Four or five years ago, I used to manipulate the URLs on Page2 so I could read Simmons’ columns a couple hours before they were posted on Page2′s front page. Today if I am cruising by ESPN.com and see a link on the front page to a non-Celtics, non-Red Sox Simmons post, I might click on it. I don’t see my declining patronage as an indictment of the product he puts out, rather just a progression of my own personal tastes. For instance, I also used to like Faces of Death movies, Boone’s Farm and Anthrax (okay, I still like Anthrax).

After initially evoking the Duke rape case to protect Belicheat, yesterday Simmons and FootballOutsider‘s Aaron Schatz were engaging in some give and take about the situation. Schatz was ably abetting Simmons’ attempts to marginalize the Patriots’ elaborate system of fraud and deception by bringing up other instances of chicanery. Then Schatz dropped this bomb:

Remember when Jim Haslett admitted to using steroids when he was playing for the Pittsburgh Steelers during their dynasty years of the ’70s?

Ooh, yeah! In your face Haslett, 1970′s Steelers and everyone else not riding Belichick’s scrotum!!! There’s just a minor problem, Haslett never played for the Steelers. Actually, Haslett recently accused the Steel Curtain-era Steelers of using steroids and then later apologized.

It’s easy for someone to get confused and misstate the facts like Schatz did– so we can give him a pass, once he clarifies his position. But where are the ESPN editors on this one? ESPN even linked the correct story in the Simmons article, but the slovenly (or perhaps just incompetent) editors just let this completely erroneous statement stand. Hell, it’s still up there now as far as we know.

More editorial incompetence: in an otherwise well-written piece on Priest Holmes, the Elizabeth Merrill claims that Holmes was “snubbed by 32 teams” on draft day. There weren’t 32 teams in the league until well after Holmes began his pro career. Little things like this, as well as bigger things like Haslett and the “Vick scoop” can make ESPN look like a bunch of hacks.

Here’s some gratuitous advice to the World Wide (Mis)Leader: go down to the local methadone clinic or half-way house and pick up a few new editors. Leave half-assed fact checking and wildly inaccurate, if not outright false, statements to amateurs like us.

[HT: to eagle-eyed KSK reader Bill S. (heh heh). UPDATE: Also thanks to commenter Jeff for pointing out that Haslett did cop to dabbling in steroids. I'll blame my mistake on some past dabblings of my own. Thankfully our commenters are more vigilant than ESPN's editors.]