My hometown is a finalist for ESPN’s TitleTown award. While we Louisvillians are grateful for whatever non-dead-horse related sports publicity we can garner, I’m pretty sure the Titletown designation got hashed out in Green Bay’s favor over forty years ago. Is this second capitalized “T” supposed to make if different somehow? Do the Packers’ accomplishments mean less since they happened before ESPN was created?

Green Bay is not completely screwed yet. They are also a “finalist” for ESPN’s version of the appellation. But why should they have to “win” something that’s been theirs exclusively for decades? Do I sound indignant? Am I doing this right? Are you sick of rhetorical questions?

Here’s a look at some other nicknames and honorifics that ESPN will be pretending to have the authority to put to a public vote in the near future:

Sean Salisbury’s days at ESPN have come to an end. Tonight, the world mourns….

…I’m drunk.

Generally, I eschew blogfrica’s national pastime of Simmons-bashing. It’s not exactly fresh and, frankly, others can do it much funnier and succinctly than I could, if I were so inclined. And while we know through credible sources Simmons detests KSK, we still have a soft-spot for the big lug (except Drew, he really fucking hates him).

Four or five years ago, I used to manipulate the URLs on Page2 so I could read Simmons’ columns a couple hours before they were posted on Page2’s front page. Today if I am cruising by ESPN.com and see a link on the front page to a non-Celtics, non-Red Sox Simmons post, I might click on it. I don’t see my declining patronage as an indictment of the product he puts out, rather just a progression of my own personal tastes. For instance, I also used to like Faces of Death movies, Boone’s Farm and Anthrax (okay, I still like Anthrax).

After initially evoking the Duke rape case to protect Belicheat, yesterday Simmons and FootballOutsider’s Aaron Schatz were engaging in some give and take about the situation. Schatz was ably abetting Simmons’ attempts to marginalize the Patriots’ elaborate system of fraud and deception by bringing up other instances of chicanery. Then Schatz dropped this bomb:

Remember when Jim Haslett admitted to using steroids when he was playing for the Pittsburgh Steelers during their dynasty years of the ’70s?

Ooh, yeah! In your face Haslett, 1970’s Steelers and everyone else not riding Belichick’s scrotum!!! There’s just a minor problem, Haslett never played for the Steelers. Actually, Haslett recently accused the Steel Curtain-era Steelers of using steroids and then later apologized.

It’s easy for someone to get confused and misstate the facts like Schatz did– so we can give him a pass, once he clarifies his position. But where are the ESPN editors on this one? ESPN even linked the correct story in the Simmons article, but the slovenly (or perhaps just incompetent) editors just let this completely erroneous statement stand. Hell, it’s still up there now as far as we know.

More editorial incompetence: in an otherwise well-written piece on Priest Holmes, the Elizabeth Merrill claims that Holmes was “snubbed by 32 teams” on draft day. There weren’t 32 teams in the league until well after Holmes began his pro career. Little things like this, as well as bigger things like Haslett and the “Vick scoop” can make ESPN look like a bunch of hacks.

Here’s some gratuitous advice to the World Wide (Mis)Leader: go down to the local methadone clinic or half-way house and pick up a few new editors. Leave half-assed fact checking and wildly inaccurate, if not outright false, statements to amateurs like us.

[HT: to eagle-eyed KSK reader Bill S. (heh heh). UPDATE: Also thanks to commenter Jeff for pointing out that Haslett did cop to dabbling in steroids. I'll blame my mistake on some past dabblings of my own. Thankfully our commenters are more vigilant than ESPN's editors.]

After days of meticulous editing the ESPY’s finally aired last night, although nobody’s quite sure why. The annual event of homogeneous cross-promoting and self-congratulatory nonsense (they totally stole that from us) was ably co-hosted by the Disney Corporation’s resident bad-boy, Jimmy Kimmel. Teaming with the late night star host was the subtle and understated LeBron James.

In the first award of the evening (I think) Devon Hester beat out my homegirl Morgan Pressel for Breakthrough Athlete. Sadly the most interesting part of his off-field persona is his hair.

ESPN tried to stir up the pot with a cat fight when they sent Ashley Judd and Pat Summit to present the inaugural Jimmy V Perserverence Award to the incredibly inspirational Coach Kay Yow of NC State. Yow is in grips of a battle with cancer but she credits God for allowing her to attend the show. Which is more than she could say for those asshole doctors who kept trying to force her in to bed. No other nominees were mentioned, the are presumed dead. Immediately following the show Sidney Lowe went to have his colon checked out.

Under Armor just got my pants very interested in amateur female athletics.

I’m gonna need about another minute here.

Christian Slater is in attendance… HEY THAT’S MICHAEL PHELPS’ PUBLICIST!!!

Kimmel on the glittery star adorning TO’s white blazer: “I didn’t even know you were Jewish.”
TO: (Laughter) [whispering to date] “What’s a jewish?”

There’s nothing quite like the awkwardness between the athletes and celebs backstage. Maria Sharapova and Josh Duhamel just spent an awkward fifteen seconds killing time on camera before they could sneak away to start humping. Hey, that Aryan superman isn’t going to create itself.

Samuel L. Jackson is up on stage talking about violence in Ireland, because why the hell not!

The theme of the evening seems to be group showers, and why the hell not, that’s why all guys play sports to begin with. First came the non sequitur skit involving Kimmel, Danica Patrick, Street Sense, and Jerry Tarkanian sharing a group shower. Kimmel was flirting with the Shark but a blind guy could he was eye fuckin’ that horse.

Disney’s new anti-hetero agenda really got legs when Kimmel invited LeBron into his home, and bathroom, during his time in Los Angeles.

I swear to god Taryn Mowatt just said she wanted to cup my balls. I’m super cereal, not even bullshittin’.

LeBron thinks he’s having fun with Bobby Brown, but I’m pretty sure this is all a producer’s practical joke that went a bit too far. Well Annika Sorenstam seems to be enjoying it, who am I to argue? Thank God Jimmy’s there to make rehab jokes.

Dane Cook ALERT: This is not a drill. Parents should now secure their 15 year-old girls before he gets too many laughs. On a serious note, I hope Dane Cook suffocates on a horse’s cock.

I swear I can’t remember the last time they gave out an award to somebody who doesn’t teach kids of different religions to play soccer without blowing each other all the way to Wales (I’m just assuming Wales is far away). I just don’t get you gentiles. Don’t you all pray to the same Jesus?

Hey Boise State won their second award. Good thing too because the NCAA just took the first one away from Ian Johnson.

I think Shaq wants to grab a shower with the OG Blazer.

Apparently there was a storm in New Orleans, Tiger Woods’ dad died, and two African American coaches led their teams to the Super Bowl. They must all be related because they just shared a moving montage . Jesus Christ ESPN, that’s some racist ass shit. Are you trying to say that two African American coaches going to the Super Bowl was a tragic event or was that just your stock African American montage? Does anybody have dibs on FireNorby.com.

Backstage clip from after LeBron’s performance: “Was that fun? Alright, now let’s go shower together.” I told you it was a theme.

Queen James via the transplendant wizznutzz.com

Chris Berman is on stage with Jamie-Lynn Siegler, let the shitty Sopranos jokes and lecherous downward glances begin!

They inexplicably saved it for a montage but Landon Donovan won Best MLS Player. MLS MVP Christian Gomez might as well start tying the noose.

Remember how the Florida Gators won the football and basketball championships in the same year? Apparently ESPN doesn’t. Editor’s Note: OK, they just showed them in a montage of champions set to the music of some band so fucking cool that their existence cannot be confirmed or denied.

Tony Dungy accepted the Best Team ESPY on behalf of the Indianapolis Colts but for some reason he didn’t extol on the virtues of group showering.

Just what the evening needed, Jimmy Kimmel scrubbing Mike Tyson’s tattoo in…wait for it…a shower!

That’s it! DVR or no DVR, I can’t watch any more of this shit. I’m taking a bong hit and going to bed. If anything relevant happens I’ll post about it in the morning. It’s not as if this shit is timely.

Update: Fuck! I forgot to watch Common’s performance. I knew there was some reason I was watching this crap.

Hey guys, thanks for making it out. I know you’re all busy, and — what the fuck are you doing here, Ley? Don’t you have an Outside the Lines or the 4:00 a.m. SportsCenter to tape? This meeting is for NFL personnel ONLY. Beat it!

[waits]

[under breath] Douchebag!

Okay, sorry about that. Anyway, as we’re ramping up for our non-stop draft coverage, I wanted to go over some changes in network policy that have been made to correct some stuff we’ve had problems with in the past.

To be specific, I’m talking about Sean’s little incident. No, not the photo of the “Salisbury Steak.” The Jew thing. Listen, everyone knows it was just a slip of the tongue, but we’re going to try to eliminate the possibility for that to happen again. That’s why I’m going over the revised list of banned words. We don’t want to piss off the Jews again — they control the media, right? I kid, I kid. I really shouldn’t make that joke, even if that Jew bastard Eisner is gone.

What are you looking at me that way for? I said “chew bastard,” ha ha.

Anyway, here are the words you can no longer use on air:

1. “Chew” — This one’s obvious, but we gotta make it official. Don’t say “chews up yardage,” say “eats up yardage.” Or “masticates.” If it helps, think back to the holiday party when Berman ate two yards of that super long-ass deli sandwich. Oh, just kidding, Chris. We all know you only ate four feet of it.

2. “Choose” — Same reason. Instead, say “select.”

3. “Shoe” and “shoes” — Since we’re talking about the NFL, say “cleats.” If you talk about a player’s shoes off the field, use “sneakers.” If you’re black and hosting SportsCenter, you may call them “kicks.”

4. “Juice” — We’re still working on this one. Stick with “sports drink” or “OJ” for now. If you get nervous, just call it “Gatorade.” Don’t worry about it being incorrect — worry about the backlash from the goddam Chosen People if that “S” sound comes out as a Z.

Other: Address Mel only as “Mel” or the full “Mel Kiper Jr.” I’ve heard some of you call him “Kipe” around the studio, and that could go REALLY wrong… when talking about our departed experts Joe Theismann and Michael Irvin, we prefer that you call them “asses.” Trying to tone it down by saying “heinie” could backfire… I’m SO glad we didn’t hire Shannon Sharpe — he always says “heeb” instead of “he’s”…

1. “Cone” — Thank God the NFL uses pylons.

2. “Niggling” — To my knowledge, this has never been used on air, but I’m pretty sure we’d get complaints. What’s that? Yes, go ahead, Mr. Schlereth…

No, that’s not a dumb question. Niggling means trivial or inconsequential… Yes, like John Clayton. But now that you know a new word, don’t go using it on-air.

3. “Niggardly” — This is another one we can’t — yes, Mark?… Another good question. A niggard is someone who’s reluctant to give or spend… ha, ha! Yes, like the Jews! Good one, Boomer. Wait, aren’t YOU Jewish? Stop being such an Uncle Shlomo.

Anyway, we’ve had some fun with this one, but don’t EVER call a Jew a niggard on the air. Holy hell that would be the worst situation imaginable.

2. Yeah, “kooks” is on the list too.

3. “Glucose”

4. “Slopes” — We got some complaints during last year’s draft when we discussed Jeremy Bloom’s skiing career.

Other: If you interview Scott Fujita, and he’s wearing a hat, do NOT make the mistake of calling it a “chapeau.”

1. “Spic and span” — If it’s clean, just say it’s “clean.” Don’t try to dress it up.

2. “Carabiner” — I’m pretty sure there aren’t any rock-climbing enthusiasts in the NFL, so we should be good here.

Other: If a steady rain has created a sodden end zone, do NOT say that it’s “really wet back there.”

Section E: Caucasians

1. “Honking” — This especially goes for any description of post-game traffic in Jacksonville.

2. “Firecracker” — People might think you want Bill Simmons to resign. If Page 2 loses him, the dot-com is royally fucked.

3. “Sauerkraut” — Don’t want people to think that’s two words, you know? Say that in the same sentence you’re talking about some Boxhead Fritz, and you’ll never hear the end of it.

Other: Do not refer to any team’s star player as “the Man”… Boomer, we love you, but no more yelling “WOP!” when a player makes a great juke… Italian-Americans get their greasy ire up when you say that a “day goes by”…

1. Out of respect to our Arab fanbase, we ask that you not say that any defense looks “ragged” at the end of the game.

2. Likewise, for our Filipino fans, we can no longer use the term “coin flip.” Please, use “coin toss” instead.

3. Just to play it safe, the team from Washington, D.C. should be called the “Native Americans.”

…Phew. Okay, I hope that clears things up. I’ll have that foxy blonde Nancy from personnel circulate a copy of this. Be sure to squeeze her ass when she stops by your office. I swear that thing is made out of titanium.

Questions?