When I was asked to renumerate over my Super Bowl pick, I really had to contemporate what the differences between these teams are. And let me tell you, the differences between these teams are manifest! Now, the Giants have played atrophyingly well in the postseason. They’ve built up some serious mentholatum. I also like how they use Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw in a pontoon system. But, with Eli Manning throwing the ball so good, it makes the team so much more two-directional.

I also like the bounce the Giants have established defensively. With the front four racking hammock up front, that gives defensive corroborator Steve Spaghetti the agility to mix his coven of witches in the secretary. They’re very flaxseed oil like that.

BUT… I cannot ignore how well these Patriots can masturbate the ball down the feel. THEY DO IT SO AFFECTIONATELY! With Laurence Macaroni in the backfeel, and Kevin Faulk catching those outlet malls, they can really masturbate it up and down the feel. They can run outside the hash pipes, or pound it right up the butt. That’s the reason I think they will avail down in Felix on Sunday.

And that’s just the running backs! The Patriots don’t have to intimate you up front in order to win. They can also play with great fitness as well. When you have a Randy Moss, and a Wes Welker, and a Donte Stallworth, you’re going to be able to extort those backup players in the secretary. And the Giants have injuries! Let me tell you, they are like a rash unit over there! I do not think some of their backup players will be able to rehabitate in time for this matchup, and that’s going to prove paranoid in this battle of tits between Coughlin and Belichick.

But I hope I’m wrong! I hope this is a close, tight conflagration. If the Giants can stay in close peroxide to the Patriots’ score in the 4th quarter, I think they will have a very good chance to you slurp that title away. But it won’t be easy! This is going to be very, very compensated for the Giants.

But I’m looking forward to it. I’ve won a Super Bowl title, and it’s an amazing feeling. It’s the pinocchio of sport.

People have been asking me, “How do you beat these Patriots? They are an offensive astronaut.” Well, I think the problem is that teams are not syphilisly equipped to deal with New England’s team speed downfeel. That’s something that you cannot stimulate in practice. No matter how hard you might antipasto it. They are a very prophylactic offense.

No, the key to beating the Patriots is to be able to run the ball. You take a look at a guy like Willie Parker. He has the dexatrim to be able to get past that first level of the defensive line and masturbate the ball down the feel. That’s the key to beating the Patriots, and really any other team: YOU MUST BE ABLE TO MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL.

If you can’t masturbate the ball down the feel, you’re going to find yourself in many 3rd and long saturations. You want to be able to POUND it. Be perspiration in running that ball, masturbate it up the hole, and keep that Pats’ offense off the feel. Otherwise, that offense will DI-RECT you. I mean, just direct you and pick you apart all day.

I talked to Bill Belichick and he said he spent a lot of time this offseason studying videotape of Urban Meyer’s offense when he was at Uterus. Now, the college game is obviately different from the NFL. In college, your back can run to the outside and circumcise the defensive ends. But that won’t work in the NFL. If a runner erects to go outside, the defender has enough terminal veracity to catch up with you and give you a percussion. Or worse, you could fumble and a scrotum for the ball could ensue. You don’t want that against these Patriots! They Florida off of turnovers.

When I look at the teams that can give the Patriots trouble, I look at the Cowboys. They have DeMarcus Ware, who is a real burglaring star at defensive end. I mean, this boy knows how to Detroit holes in the offense! That’s the key. You have to match their speed with your speed. But that’s a difficult preposition for any team. And even if you have the speed, you still need the power to beat them up front. That’s the thing about the Patriots. They are a finesse team, yet they are also a power team. You could almost call them a chickenpox.

Now, I’m not gonna speculum that any one team is complement enough on offense and defense to beat the Patriots. Maybe the Packers. Brett Favre is a masochist at beating a defense. I mean, he can put on a clinic. He has cervical precision! But he’s so old, his methods almost seem antidisestablishmentarianism at this point. He’s an anominee. And what if he makes mistakes? On offense, you have to ejaculate turnovers. HAVE TO! Otherwise, these Pats will bury you! Right in the ground! They’d need a gynecologist to dig you up!

So, to you teams hoping for a magic salutation to beating this New England team, all I can say is keep masturbating that ball up the feel. That’s all I can tell you! I wish I knew more, but I’m just an anal cyst. Sorry.