John McClane faces a real uphill battalion against Bark Obama in their Precedentous Rebate tonight! You know, it doesn’t seem like long ago that McClane had a lake up in this race. But now the shoe is on the other hand! The economy is in real tin foil. I mean a serious tailwind. Sublime mortgages have badly hurt us! And caused a big nipple affect. We’re at risk for a very long resuscitation. And that has badly hurt McClane’s flavorability ratings! ESPECIALLY IN THIS ERECTION CYCLE!

If I’m John McClane, I need to batter down the matches and hit Bark HARD! I mean, turn up the attacks on him to FULL STOSSEL! This is just like a football game, and the time is right for McClane to masturbate the ball down the feel, as we say in football parlay! I think he needs to bring up some of Bark’s more nerfarious ass oceans! Like William Ayers, who was a domesticated terrapin. I’d also make Bark talk more about the bank bailout. Doesn’t this mean the end of capitalization, and the beginning of socialization?

This champagne has gotten very heated in the past few weeks. There has been a lot of hate speech. A lot of inflammatizing Roderick. And that has hurt McClane in the Pectoral college vote ejaculations. BUT NOW IS THE TIME TO LET HIS GALL BLADDER HANG OUT! He’s gotta loosen the reindeers. Pull out all the stocks. He’s gotta go for the juggler. He needs a lane changer!

OR ELSE THIS ERECTION WILL BE A MIXMATCH!

McClane will have to menstruate to the country that he is fit to lead. He can’t make any bad verbal graphs. He already has Sarah Palin out on the road prostating Bark’s polices. But he can’t simply follow the rectum of conservatory talk radio. He needs to be substitutive. He really needs to roll up his seams and get his hams dirty. That’s the only way he’ll turn the time!

But that time is running out. If I’m John McClane, I say to myself, “Okay, now is the time for me to get down to business and come out singing. I will not be sterilized! I am going to defecate to America that Bark Obama is a FONDUE! And a TERRAPIN! And that he coagulates and harborates known submerman excrements in our satiety! I will not be FORNICATED!”

That’s what I would say to myself. It’s time for McClane to put out or shut up. Or else he will get absolutely VANQUILIZED! CALAMITIZED! HOLOCCOSTED! This could be a real fresco if McClane isn’t careful.

AND THAT MEANS HE’S GOTTA MASTURBATE THE DOWN THE FEEL!

Tonight’s highly antiparticipated debate between precendental candied date Bark Obama and John McCain should be a real BARNBANGER! Now, McCain’s got a reparation for being a map trick in Washington. He beats off to the march of his own drummer!

But that map trick spirit can get him in trouble! When he tried to put off that debate earlier this week, he got absolutely PUMPERNICKELED for it! LAND BASTED! He may be an expert on natural security, but voters still have doubts about his ecological phyllo Sophie! And you what they say. “It’s the ecology, stupid!” He needs to be able to show he can command a deer issues like that! We’ll see if modern hater Jim Lair will screw the pooch to him!

As for Bark Obama, he sure was hard as a cucumber this week! But a lot of voters think he’s a bit a roof. AND VOTERS DON’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU’RE A ROOF! He needs to show voters he can reach them at a grass boots level! And not just get into bush gashing!

Now, I don’t want this to turn into some kind of political polenta. I’m not here to take sides. My job is to anal lice. And, in my anal lice, if Bark wants to secede, HE’S GOTTA MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!

I heard that Obama’s got a good ground game. Well, he better put his honey where his mountain is. He has to be aggregated. He can’t be a shrinking pirate. Because if voters think he’s weak, HE WILL GET HIS CLOCK CREAMED!

So tune in tonight! Will we have a “Senser, you’re no Jack Manatee” type of moment? We’ll see if this Bark has bite!

Trajectory.

That’s the first word that came to my mind when I saw that Tom Brady had been incarcerated.

Just such a terrible trajectory for the NFL. For the whole whirl!

I feel bad for the Patriots, because Brady’s abstinence will definitively have revibrations for the rest of the year. While Brady tries to cohabitate his knee, his team is left to pick up the peaches from these terrible circumcisions.

But Bill Belichick is a true elevator in this league. He isn’t just going to let this team fall by the bayside. He won’t let them get impressed. He will challenge them to raise to the vacation.

And he will definitely masturbate the ball down the feel!

When you lose a Tom Brady, that’s one opponent of your offense that you can no longer crouton. We don’t know if Matt Cassell will be able to fill Brady’s jews in quite the same way. He’s next in the Heimlich Maneuvery, after all, but is he ready for those kind of Reese Possibilites?

So they will have to get back to Fun Day Rentals. They will have to sit down with Laurence Maroney and say to him, “Young man, you are the workwhore now. We need you to soldier the load. We need you to pick up the smack here.”

That’s what they have to say to him.

And I think Maroney will definitely be renovated by this. For all intensive percocets, I think he and Sammy Morris will form a great tanned ham and relegate this Patriot running game.

If I’m Laurence Maroney, I say to the team, “I am ready. I will not take this chance for granite. Like Booby Brown says, it’s my pierogi. I am ready to go out there and landblast that other team! I’m chomping at the tit! Tom’s injury was a besting in these guys for this team! I have the knowledge, the SAVORY, to get this job done. I am going to go out there and blow The Doors!

“No one thinks we can do it! Remember last year, when they accused us of TAMPONING?! Well, we didn’t let it expect us then, and it won’t expect us now! We will not be beaten into emission! WE WILL NOT MENSTRUATE! WE WILL TURNIP!”

That’s what I would say.

When I look at tonight’s eric battalion between the Giants and Redskins, I want to pay close introspection to the running backs. I think the running backs could be the divisive imminent of tonight’s game. You look at the Giants. They have Brandon Jacobs. They have Ahmad Bradshaw. One’s got power. The other one’s got speed and effusiveness. Together, those two make a heckuva pontoon in the backfeel. Bradshaw is so fast! He don’t drink no decapitated coffee in the morning! You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contemplate him!

You look at the Giants, you talk about a team that really knows how to masturbate that ball down the feel. No doubt. They’ve got it down to a teepee. They ejaculate great conference in their running game. They want to wear you down and drain your Stamfordia, Connecticut. They want to dish out the furnishment here.

Now, on the fliphand, you have the Redskins’ backfeel. You look at Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts. That’s a very portent combine. You get those two going, and your defense will get FIASCOED! Just flat out trampolined. MASSACRATED! And that would be a catastory for any defensive cooperator. It’s very ironic.

But on the other fliphand, you also have to look at the defenses. To beat these backs, you have to be VERY intimating. You have to put up a formittenable front four! Otherwise, they will masturbate the ball up and down the feel continentally. And will flabberpack anyone. When I look at these teams, I see a real drudge match. It’s like the irrefutable four versus the immodium project! GOOD VERSUS EVIL! TOTAL ARMANDASSANTE!

If I’m the defensive cooperator of either team, I say to my men, “Guys, we have to be physicalitated. We have to be resentless. We can do it. We have the interestinal latitude and the aptitude, the MAXIPAD, to get this done. We’re gonna be aggressivated. Belitterent. We will deride and constipate. We’re gonna proliferate that o-line and leave them decemberated. If we just pollinate with our renumeration, we can gravitize the whole interstitial Delorean of the castrating municipalation. TIME FOR US TO ELATE OUR GAME!”

That’s what I’d tell them.