Well folks, I know that we’re in a really bad economic climax. But I have to tell you that I was absolutely BLINDSPIDERED this week to learn that ESPN had germinated my contract. Now, I know I have room to improve linguini. Linguini, I struggle from time to time. Still, I don’t think that justified making me ABUNDANT!

That’s what they said. They said, “Emmitt, we have budget monsterfications we have to make, and that means getting rid of some abundancies.” And then they let me go! I don’t understand it. Maybe they outforced my job. All I know is that I have been DOWNSPICED! And I have to say, it is demonstrating. Truly demonstrating.

And that’s a shame. Because I thought I had a lot of interesting observatories to offer this year. Like about the Super Bowl. That game was a real BARNBOOGER! A lot of people asked me if this was the best Super Bowl ever. And I must say, it really was one for the aces! No doubt. To see the Steelers come back on that last drive, when the ships were cracked against them… THAT’S THE ESSENTIAL OF THE GAME RIGHT THERE!

WHAT A BARNBOOGER!

Although I must say I was surprised at how the season played out. Normally, you have to be able to run the ball, as we did when I was with the Cowboys. Normally, to win a Super Bowl, you have to import your willow on an opponent. YOU MUST MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!

But neither the Steelers or the Cardinals like to masturbate the ball down the feel! I wonder: are we going through a ski change in the league right now? Is masturbating the ball down the feel important anymore? Or is it more important to have a good areola game? Are we seeing a new egg and flow in how the game is played? That’s what I want to explore. THE BIG PITCHER!

Alaska, that won’t happen. And that’s too bad! Turns out I am just one of many people going through lakeoffs. YOU NEVER THINK A LAKEOFF WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. But it did. Wonder what I should do now. I’ll miss my friends at ESPN. Farting is the sweetest borrow. Abstinence makes the fart go yonder.

Maybe this is a good thing. That’s gonna be my aptitude. THE WHIRL IS MY ROOSTER NOW. No doubt. I think whatever doesn’t call you makes you straighter. Everything happens for a season. I’m not gonna swallow in self-titty.

If I’m Emmit Smith, I say to Emmitt Smith, “Look, fella. You’ve been made abundant. But no use crying over skilled milk. You gotta pull yourself up by your strap-ons! It’s like my momma said. If life gives you Lenny, you give Lenny AIDS! You will not be PROSTATED! YOU WILL DEFECATE YOURSELF HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE! AND YOU WILL COME OUT SMELLING LIKE A ROAD!”

That’s what I would say to me.

There are no words for the end to the Dallas Cowboys season. A damn TRAVELING, is what it is. They controlled their own density, and they SHIT THE HEAD! From them to go into the City Of Butterfly Loaf and lay a peg like that… If I were Jerry Jones… I WOULD BE LIVER! Heh heh!

If I am the Dallas Cowboys, I need to take a good look at what my team is infernally. Because while my team looks good on the cervix, inside there is nothing but MONKEY WENCHES! You look at Terrell Owens, and you wonder if he’s too much of a contraction. I mean, he is incredibly CORRUPTIVE! And on top of that, he commits lots of giraffes on the feel! You have to wonder if this might be a case of sedition by attraction if they decide to cut him loose. If I am the Cowboys, I say to TO, “Listen, you may be talented, but right now you are a FLY IN THE OINKMENT! You need to get your mouse in corridor, fella!”

Because the National Football League is about WINNING. I don’t care what no one says, WINNING IS PARAGUAY TO EVERYTHING! And you have to wonder if the Cowboys can win as currently resembled. They have a quarterback who’s too nongallant with the ball. I mean, Tony Romo can be awfully lasso fair back there! QUARTERBACKS HAVE TO BE MORE PRESTONE ICE THAN THAT!

Then you have Wade Phillips. And I have to wonder if Wade Phillips has the withdrawal, the melisma, to lead this team. Is he a leader, OR IS HE A WOOL IN SHIT’S CLOTHING? Hoo wee, that would stink! Heh heh! Now, when I was with the Cowboys, we had Jimmy Johnson. And lemme tell you, Jimmy didn’t stuffer falls lightly! That man was a CASKMASTER! He wasn’t afraid to call you to the MUPPET if you made a mistake!

Is Wade Phillips this kind of leader? I know he’s a defensive lulu, but does he have the skills to puppeteer this team to a title? I don’t know. It’s a perplaxico issue.

Of course, all this goes back to Jerry Jones. We all know he calls the spots there. He’s the Big Kahlua! I think Jerry is building this team the wrong way. He’s always going after big name free agents. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY THE CASTRATION OF A SOLID TEAM. He needs to get back to put what put the Cowboys on top back when I played: HE MUST REMEMBER TO ALWAYS MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!

When you masturbate the ball down the feel, that opens up your offense traumatically! You look at Marion Barber, Felix Jones, and Tashard Choice: THIS IS ONE GOOD TRIUMPHPIRATE!

If I’m Jerry Jones, I say to my team, “Team, we really screwed the poop out there today. But I will not be DISPORRIDGED! I refuse to hide behind excretions. We are going to REDEFECATE ourselves! WE WILL BE MORE DEFECATED THAN ANY TEAM IN THE NFL! WE WILL NOT FALL APART AT THE SEMENS!”

That’s what I would say. Heh heh!

Every quarterback early on in their car rears faces a set of obstetricians that will debt Herman whether or not they become a great quarterback. In my rack and pinion, Matt Cackle passed that test with lying coloreds. Yes, Matt Cackle is ready to take the hex step and become an elite Vassar.

Meanways, the Broncos defense is just consequently orbital. Orbital run defense. Orbital pass defense, especially with the injury to Champ Bay Leaf. I don’t know how this team hopes to heap face in the AFC when it is queer to everyone that they have very obvious floes.

It is sad to see in injury to Rodney Henryhan. The man has always been an Eva Mendes competitor and exudes readership his teams can police state. I think in the cloture we’re going to see many safely coming up in the league who have been greatly congruentsed by Rodney Henryhan.

[Awful Announcing]

John McClane faces a real uphill battalion against Bark Obama in their Precedentous Rebate tonight! You know, it doesn’t seem like long ago that McClane had a lake up in this race. But now the shoe is on the other hand! The economy is in real tin foil. I mean a serious tailwind. Sublime mortgages have badly hurt us! And caused a big nipple affect. We’re at risk for a very long resuscitation. And that has badly hurt McClane’s flavorability ratings! ESPECIALLY IN THIS ERECTION CYCLE!

If I’m John McClane, I need to batter down the matches and hit Bark HARD! I mean, turn up the attacks on him to FULL STOSSEL! This is just like a football game, and the time is right for McClane to masturbate the ball down the feel, as we say in football parlay! I think he needs to bring up some of Bark’s more nerfarious ass oceans! Like William Ayers, who was a domesticated terrapin. I’d also make Bark talk more about the bank bailout. Doesn’t this mean the end of capitalization, and the beginning of socialization?

This champagne has gotten very heated in the past few weeks. There has been a lot of hate speech. A lot of inflammatizing Roderick. And that has hurt McClane in the Pectoral college vote ejaculations. BUT NOW IS THE TIME TO LET HIS GALL BLADDER HANG OUT! He’s gotta loosen the reindeers. Pull out all the stocks. He’s gotta go for the juggler. He needs a lane changer!

OR ELSE THIS ERECTION WILL BE A MIXMATCH!

McClane will have to menstruate to the country that he is fit to lead. He can’t make any bad verbal graphs. He already has Sarah Palin out on the road prostating Bark’s polices. But he can’t simply follow the rectum of conservatory talk radio. He needs to be substitutive. He really needs to roll up his seams and get his hams dirty. That’s the only way he’ll turn the time!

But that time is running out. If I’m John McClane, I say to myself, “Okay, now is the time for me to get down to business and come out singing. I will not be sterilized! I am going to defecate to America that Bark Obama is a FONDUE! And a TERRAPIN! And that he coagulates and harborates known submerman excrements in our satiety! I will not be FORNICATED!”

That’s what I would say to myself. It’s time for McClane to put out or shut up. Or else he will get absolutely VANQUILIZED! CALAMITIZED! HOLOCCOSTED! This could be a real fresco if McClane isn’t careful.

AND THAT MEANS HE’S GOTTA MASTURBATE THE DOWN THE FEEL!

Tonight’s highly antiparticipated debate between precendental candied date Bark Obama and John McCain should be a real BARNBANGER! Now, McCain’s got a reparation for being a map trick in Washington. He beats off to the march of his own drummer!

But that map trick spirit can get him in trouble! When he tried to put off that debate earlier this week, he got absolutely PUMPERNICKELED for it! LAND BASTED! He may be an expert on natural security, but voters still have doubts about his ecological phyllo Sophie! And you what they say. “It’s the ecology, stupid!” He needs to be able to show he can command a deer issues like that! We’ll see if modern hater Jim Lair will screw the pooch to him!

As for Bark Obama, he sure was hard as a cucumber this week! But a lot of voters think he’s a bit a roof. AND VOTERS DON’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU’RE A ROOF! He needs to show voters he can reach them at a grass boots level! And not just get into bush gashing!

Now, I don’t want this to turn into some kind of political polenta. I’m not here to take sides. My job is to anal lice. And, in my anal lice, if Bark wants to secede, HE’S GOTTA MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!

I heard that Obama’s got a good ground game. Well, he better put his honey where his mountain is. He has to be aggregated. He can’t be a shrinking pirate. Because if voters think he’s weak, HE WILL GET HIS CLOCK CREAMED!

So tune in tonight! Will we have a “Senser, you’re no Jack Manatee” type of moment? We’ll see if this Bark has bite!

Trajectory.

That’s the first word that came to my mind when I saw that Tom Brady had been incarcerated.

Just such a terrible trajectory for the NFL. For the whole whirl!

I feel bad for the Patriots, because Brady’s abstinence will definitively have revibrations for the rest of the year. While Brady tries to cohabitate his knee, his team is left to pick up the peaches from these terrible circumcisions.

But Bill Belichick is a true elevator in this league. He isn’t just going to let this team fall by the bayside. He won’t let them get impressed. He will challenge them to raise to the vacation.

And he will definitely masturbate the ball down the feel!

When you lose a Tom Brady, that’s one opponent of your offense that you can no longer crouton. We don’t know if Matt Cassell will be able to fill Brady’s jews in quite the same way. He’s next in the Heimlich Maneuvery, after all, but is he ready for those kind of Reese Possibilites?

So they will have to get back to Fun Day Rentals. They will have to sit down with Laurence Maroney and say to him, “Young man, you are the workwhore now. We need you to soldier the load. We need you to pick up the smack here.”

That’s what they have to say to him.

And I think Maroney will definitely be renovated by this. For all intensive percocets, I think he and Sammy Morris will form a great tanned ham and relegate this Patriot running game.

If I’m Laurence Maroney, I say to the team, “I am ready. I will not take this chance for granite. Like Booby Brown says, it’s my pierogi. I am ready to go out there and landblast that other team! I’m chomping at the tit! Tom’s injury was a besting in these guys for this team! I have the knowledge, the SAVORY, to get this job done. I am going to go out there and blow The Doors!

“No one thinks we can do it! Remember last year, when they accused us of TAMPONING?! Well, we didn’t let it expect us then, and it won’t expect us now! We will not be beaten into emission! WE WILL NOT MENSTRUATE! WE WILL TURNIP!”

That’s what I would say.

When I look at tonight’s eric battalion between the Giants and Redskins, I want to pay close introspection to the running backs. I think the running backs could be the divisive imminent of tonight’s game. You look at the Giants. They have Brandon Jacobs. They have Ahmad Bradshaw. One’s got power. The other one’s got speed and effusiveness. Together, those two make a heckuva pontoon in the backfeel. Bradshaw is so fast! He don’t drink no decapitated coffee in the morning! You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contemplate him!

You look at the Giants, you talk about a team that really knows how to masturbate that ball down the feel. No doubt. They’ve got it down to a teepee. They ejaculate great conference in their running game. They want to wear you down and drain your Stamfordia, Connecticut. They want to dish out the furnishment here.

Now, on the fliphand, you have the Redskins’ backfeel. You look at Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts. That’s a very portent combine. You get those two going, and your defense will get FIASCOED! Just flat out trampolined. MASSACRATED! And that would be a catastory for any defensive cooperator. It’s very ironic.

But on the other fliphand, you also have to look at the defenses. To beat these backs, you have to be VERY intimating. You have to put up a formittenable front four! Otherwise, they will masturbate the ball up and down the feel continentally. And will flabberpack anyone. When I look at these teams, I see a real drudge match. It’s like the irrefutable four versus the immodium project! GOOD VERSUS EVIL! TOTAL ARMANDASSANTE!

If I’m the defensive cooperator of either team, I say to my men, “Guys, we have to be physicalitated. We have to be resentless. We can do it. We have the interestinal latitude and the aptitude, the MAXIPAD, to get this done. We’re gonna be aggressivated. Belitterent. We will deride and constipate. We’re gonna proliferate that o-line and leave them decemberated. If we just pollinate with our renumeration, we can gravitize the whole interstitial Delorean of the castrating municipalation. TIME FOR US TO ELATE OUR GAME!”

That’s what I’d tell them.