With Mike Shanahan unlikely to qualify for the postseason anytime soon, the next two most red-faced head coaches must vie for supremacy on the big stage. Falcons-Giants is one of those games where a team that is consistently decent but never great goes against a wildly erratic opponent who can one week actually hang with Green Bay until the final whistle and then get plowed by the Redskins the next. So as much as it sucks for tepid Atlanta fans to hear, this game will be decided by which version of this schizophrenic Giants team shows up. Personally, I’d rather we wait a week for the petulant Eli derpface version, for that would at least give the blowout next week in Lambeau a watchable sideshow.

One of the main subplots for pundit yammering today will be whether Matt Ryan can be on a team that happens to win a game in the playoffs for the first time in three career tries. We’re obviously down with unfairly maligning a quarterback by boiling down his team’s shortcomings to his singular crushing failure, but it’s just not as fun to shake the choker stick at Matt Ryan as it was and is to do so at, say, Tony Romo or Peyton Manning. Clearly Matty Ice needs to be featured in more ubiquitous advertising campaigns.

As you might remember, it was Vince Young’s preseason boasting that birthed the “dream team” moniker for the Eagles that has been the go-to mocking referent every single time the team has faltered in some way. And falter they have. Oh, such beautiful falterings. It’s been pretty fantastic, all things considered. And now it falls to VY to maintain whatever faint hopes the Eagles cling to for a playoff run. THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS.

Besides Ookie, Philly will also be without Jeremy Maclin, who was team’s leading receiver when the Giants won 29-16 in the Linc in Week 3, so this should be extra one-sided. Now seems like a good time to catch up with the new Zelda game that I could have been playing all afternoon.

With the lockout remaining in effect for the time being more and more teams have been organizing player only workouts. While some players don’t see much of a point to the exercise, more and more players are embracing the activity. For starters, it’s a great way to generate positive press, especially when compared to the alternative.

At the very least it seems like a good way to improve camaraderie and achieve some sort of off-season normalcy. But what is actually going on at these gatherings? Are they running through regular off-season drills or getting together to toss the ball around like regular old Turkey Bowlers?

Continue after the jump for an exclusive look at the schedule for the Giants team mini-camp hosted by none other than Eli Manning.
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It’s finally here. The last week of the regular season. Starters will be benched. Playoff spots will be finalized. Horrible teams will needlessly screw up their draft positions. It’s basically the most useless week of the entire season.

With that in mind we asked a special guest to pick this week’s games, right after he tells you about his resolutions for the new year.

- Destroy the fake Eli before he gives Abby his waxy seed.

- Be more Gallant, less Goofus.

- Draft a new Plax doll.

- Spend more time with mom.

- Stop laughing every time doctor says “bone stimulator.”

- Cover the spread half the time.

Now let’s make some flippin’ picks!

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Elisha and Marmalard will forever be inextricably linked as the top two quarterbacks selected in the 2004 NFL Draft, but more so because they were swapped for one another because Eli Manning is a prissy little bitch who refused to play in San Diego. Also, they’re both tremendously unlikable people. Eli has already had to play the Chargers since that fateful draft day (he lost), but that was back in 2005 when Breesus was still at the helm of the offense. “NOW IT’S LASERFACE’S TURN TO INFLICT NUTPUNCHING ANGUISH ON LESSER MANNINGS! TELL ME THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET, SHARTBOTTLE!” Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

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This week’s Meast is none other than Jared Allen of the Minnebretta Favrekings. Allen plowed through Green Bay’s Clifton-less line for 4.5 of the team’s eight sacks. He later celebrated by shooting a black bear and feasting on it’s precious sustentative gallbladder.

You can’t have a Meast without a Least, and this week’s ignominious award goes to Eli Manning’s happy feet…
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Int. Manning’s Hoboken, NJ Condo

Eli: [on the phone] That’s flippin’ sweet news, Mr. Condom [snickers to himself]. So I’m the highest paid player in the whole dang league?

Tom Condon: That’s right, Eli. You’re number one, just like we talked about.

Eli: Awesome! So I make more than that Spazzy McJerkface?

Tom: Yes, you make more than Phillip Rivers.

Eli: But do I make more than Coach Coughlin?

Tom: Of course Eli, you made more than Couch Coughlin when you were a rookie. Now you’re the highest paid player in the whole league!

Eli: Killer! Now I have one more question, and it’s very VERY important.

Tom: Okay Eli, what is it?

Eli: Do I make more than Peyton?

Tom: Yes, Eli. You officially make more than your brother.

Eli: NO WAY!

Tom: Yes way, Eli. You’re a very rich man. I hope you know what you’re going to do with all that money.

Eli: Do I ever!

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Hey, this is Eli “Ben 10: Alien Force’s biggest fan!” Manning. Looking for a flippin’ sweet place to have your kid once you do whatever it is that causes babies to become real? Well, me and MY NUMBER ONE MAIN SQUEEZE Abby have decided to open our very own birthing center. Abby said one day we might have to play Mommy and Daddy together for real, so what better way to put in a good word with Mr. Stork than opening a birthing center/Chuck E. Cheese franchise right here in New York?

So why should you come to us instead of having the kid in your bathtub? I mean, doyyyyy. It’s so obvious. Check it out.

We’re jam packed with football lollies! Now with awesome creamsicle flavor!

Int. Tenjune (the Meatpacking District)

(Beyonce’s Single Ladies blares over the speakers)

Abby: Oh I love this song! Come on Eli, let’s dance.

Elisha: I don’t like dancing, besides, I don’t want to leave Moishe all alone, he gets scared.

Brandon Jacobs: [pulls Eli aside] Hey man, cut out that Moishe shit. Get out there and dance with that fine ass bitch of yours before I step in and plow that.

Elisha: My what ass what?

Brandon: Your wife, Eli. Go dance with your wife.

Elisha: Fine, just let me ask the DJ man to put on some dance music.

Brandon: [looks confused, runs through load-bearing wall, stashes gun] Whatever.

Elisha: [approaches DJ booth] Excuse me, Mr. DJ man. MR. DJ MAN?!

DJ: [emerges from underneath tables] Yo, what up my MVP?

Elisha: What do you say we get an old fashioned line dance going on in here?

DJ: Sorry bro, I just finished off my stash, but if you need some coke the bouncer can hook it up.

Elisha: No I don’t need any Coke, I just scored a Shirley Temple from the waitress.

DJ: [looks confused] So what you want, man?

Elisha: Do you have any Kenny Chesney?

DJ: [doing his best Axel Foley impression] Get the fuck outta here.

Elisha: Yes, sir.

[Elisha walks back to his table]

Abby: What was that all about?

Elisha: Honestly, I have no friggin’ clue.

Abby: So will you dance with me?

Elisha: Sure. But let’s stay close to Moishe.

Abby: You know you can just sit down and I can dance for you.

Elisha: Really? That sounds good.
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