OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ACTUALLY MARRIED!

HEY MOM, CAN YOU WRITE “MR. ELI MANNING-McGREW” ON ALL OF MY NEW UNDERPANTS?! WHAT AM I SAYING, I’M MARRIED NOW! MAKE IT MRS. ELI MANNING-McGREW!

[sucks inhaler]

HEY MOM, DID YOU FINISH PACKING MY SUITCASE FOR THE HONEYMOON?!

[opens suitcase]

WHAT THE HECK, MA? YOU PACKED THIS ALL WRONG!

[unpacks item]

I’M NOT A BABY!

[unpacks item]

JEEZ MOM, WHY WOULD I WANT TO READ ON VACATION? HONEYMOONS ARE FOR TWO THING, PLAYING DRESS-UP AND EATING S’MORES!

[packs items]

[packs imaginary item]

THIS TRIP IS GONNA RULE!

[sips from sippy cup]

Stay tuned for dispatches from the honeymoon later in the week.

[Eli wins the Super Bowl]

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, I WON A FRIGGIN SUPER BOWL! I’M GONNA STAY UP SOOOOO LATE TONIGHT, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW! MOM’S GONNA MAKE HOT CHOCOLATE FOR ME AND MOISHE, BUT NO MINI MARSHMALLOWS, THAT’S KIDS STUFF. IT’S ALL BIG BOY MARSHMALLOWS FROM NOW ON! HEY MOM, I’M RENTING SUPER MARIO GALAXY AND ROCK BAND FOR WII. YOU CAN PLAY THE DRUMS, BUT THIS TIME I’M MAKING THE TOSTINOS PIZZA ROLLS!

[Eli Is handed the MVP award]

HEY, I WON THE MOTHER FLIPPIN MVP TOO? HOLY COW MAN, COOPER’S GONNA BE CRAZY JEALOUS. I’M TOTALLY BRINGING THIS TROPHY IN FOR SHOW-AND-TELL.

[Eli is handed car keys]

NO.FREAKING.WAY. I GET A CAR TOO?! HEY MOM, WE HAVE TO GO GET MY LEARNER’S PERMIT TOMORROW. THEN THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER. AS LONG AS YOU’RE IN THE CAR I CAN DRIVE ANYWHERE! NEXT WEEKEND WE CAN GO TO THE ANTIQUE AUCTION IN BELLE MEAD!

[Eli is handed tickets to Hawaii]

WHAT, THEY HAVE A PRO BOWL NOW? THIS YEAR KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!

[Eli is put in front of television camera]

HECK NO, I’M NOT GOING TO DISNEY WORLD, THAT’S FOR BABIES. I’M GOING TO EPCOT!

/sips from sippy cup

Intrepid readers Jay and Andrew have both emailed us with a timely re-design of an old classic…

Eli is going to wear that to school every day for a week!

Eli’s all growns up. Help us profit from his good fortune, won’t you? Click here for this and more.

You wouldn’t want Ape to starve during the off season.

Greg Jennings: Gat dammit Brett, put me down! I’m not hurt, I can walk fine, you woollyheaded man-child.

Brett Favre: I won’t hear it! We’re going downfield and I’m not leaving you behind.

There comes a time in every quarterback’s career where he has to take his team on his back, Greg. Now’s that time for me. The wind’s to my back again. Me and Father Time done reached an understanding that I’m on borrowed time. I have the renewed purpose of a man who knows to value his days. To make it count, what little life I have left.

Greg Jennings: Man, you’re not dying. You’ll just have to retire someday.

Brett Favre: See, that’s thing: the day I retire will be my last on this mortal coil. Madden and I already have the murder-suicide planned out. I couldn’t do that, that life of the former QB, becoming some yammering old coot. My boyish heart of a champion couldn’t live in a dried-up old vessel.

And I couldn’t deal with Deanna. Damn, that bitch is annoying.

(Sprint cell phone plays Radiohead’s “Exit Music (For a Film)”)

Peyton: (looks at phone) Shit.

(Thom Yorke: “We hope… that you–”)

Peyton: Hey, kid.

Eli: Oh man tha’ was AWESOME! Idn’t winning playofff gamezzz FUHn?!?

Peyton: Are you drunk?

Eli: (giggles) Coash gah me a zix of Sima.

Peyton: Uh huh.

Eli: DOOOOD we beeet DALLAS! Nummer one seed in the ho’ conferen! IN DALLAS! An ya know who din’t throw an intershepshun? Guess.

Peyton: You?

Eli: No, ME!!!

Peyton: Must’ve been a nice chance of pace.

Eli: It totally was! Soooo weird! I’m don’t feel like crying at all!

Peyton: That’s great.

Eli: Oh. Oh. Oh man I’m sorry. I din’t ass how your game wen. You gettin’ rehddy fer the Pastyruts nest week?

Peyton: Uhhh…

(phone beeps)

Peyton: I gotta get that. Talk to you later.

Eli: Sure, just give me a ca–

(click)

Peyton: Hello?

Archie: That was awesome! You were in the playoffs! Is losing there any different from losing in the regular season?

Peyton: Sigh…

The divisional round seems like a unnecessary matter of course before we get served our respective regular season rematch conference title games of Packers-Cowboys and Colts-Patriots. Therefore, we’re fed a plateful of tepid rivalries this weekend, so we have to go with the one that has the best chance of being a good game (that’s a lie: actually Packers-Seahawks is probably the most even game of the weekend, but I find it boring). But this is the NFC East, so there’s history. Or, more accurately, there are two goofy quarterbacks who are subjects of running jokes. So, WHO YA GOT?