Kissing Suzy Kolber » elisha

2004 Draft QBs With Fewer Rings Than the Giant Tard Taken Several Picks Later. WHO YA GOT?

Christmas Ape — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:20:00 +0000

Elisha and Marmalard will forever be inextricably linked as the top two quarterbacks selected in the 2004 NFL Draft, but more so because they were swapped for one another because Eli Manning is a prissy little bitch who refused to play in San Diego. Also, they’re both tremendously unlikable people. Eli has already had to play the Chargers since that fateful draft day (he lost), but that was back in 2005 when Breesus was still at the helm of the offense. “NOW IT’S LASERFACE’S TURN TO INFLICT NUTPUNCHING ANGUISH ON LESSER MANNINGS! TELL ME THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET, SHARTBOTTLE!” Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Eli Manning______________________Philip Rivers

Best friend

Moishe_________________________Abstinence Alvin

Sworn enemy

Crest Cavity Creeps_____________________Jay Cutler

Hobbies

Squash, antiquing, Star Wars Lego set building, building tree forts_____Church, kicking ass, talking shit, talking church, kicking shit, churching ass

Which part of his team’s defense aggressively sucks?

Pass defense__________________Run defense (but really the entire unit)

Proudest moment

Chewed entire package of Bubble Tape all at once________I TAKE PRIDE IN EVERY MOMENT OF BEING THE FUCKTASTICALLY BESTSATIONAL FLOATBACK THAT THERE EVER WAS OR WILL BE

Planned excuse for losing

FOOT OWIES, also distracted because psyched about flippin’ sweet new Avatar trailer______LaToeInjury, Norv, Chris Chambers’ ex-girlfriend, linemen, weather, fornicators, possibly others

Finishing move

Taking the ball and going home in a huff_______Still taunting fans hours after the game is over

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week – Week 4

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 19:47:38 +0000

Jared Allen has Aaron Rodgers in his crosshairs.

This week’s Meast is none other than Jared Allen of the Minnebretta Favrekings. Allen plowed through Green Bay’s Clifton-less line for 4.5 of the team’s eight sacks. He later celebrated by shooting a black bear and feasting on it’s precious sustentative gallbladder.

You can’t have a Meast without a Least, and this week’s ignominious award goes to Eli Manning’s happy feet…

Int. hospital, later that day

Doctor: So Eli, after examining your foot I’m fairly certain that what you’re suffering from is a fairly common condition called plantar fasciitis.

Eli: Planters is fascist? But I love their nuts.

Doctor: No Eli, what I’m saying is that you have something called plantar fasciitis in your foot.

Eli: Can I ask you something?

Doctor: Of course.

Eli: Is Mr. Peanut involved?

Doctor: I’m telling you this has nothing to do with Planters or their corporate mascot.

Eli: Man, I should have known. Moishe has been warning me about that Jew-hating peanut for years.

Doctor: You’re not understanding me. I’m trying to tell you that I believe you have a medical condition inside of your foot that’s causing you considerable pain.

Eli: Okay doc, just tell me one thing. How did Herr Peanut get into my foot?

Doctor: I’m sorry, do you have some sort of guardian I could speak with?

Eli: Mom’s coming to pick me up when the little hand gets to the 7.

Doctor: Very well, perhaps I’ll speak to her then.

Eli: Sure thing doc, but leave out the part about the Nazi peanut. I don’t want Mom getting wrapped up in anything too messy.

Doctor: She doesn’t have to know anything about it.

Eli: Good, because I think I know just the man for this job.

Doctor: What are you talking abo-

Eli: [begins humming Comin' Home]

Olivia Manning: ELISHA NELSON MANNING, I thought I told you to stop playing Inglourious Basterds! Now come with me, we’re going home.

Eli: But Moo-oom, I have to kill Mr. Peanut!

Elisha Gets Paid Big Boy Money

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 14:08:46 +0000

Int. Manning’s Hoboken, NJ Condo

Eli: [on the phone] That’s flippin’ sweet news, Mr. Condom [snickers to himself]. So I’m the highest paid player in the whole dang league?

Tom Condon: That’s right, Eli. You’re number one, just like we talked about.

Eli: Awesome! So I make more than that Spazzy McJerkface?

Tom: Yes, you make more than Phillip Rivers.

Eli: But do I make more than Coach Coughlin?

Tom: Of course Eli, you made more than Couch Coughlin when you were a rookie. Now you’re the highest paid player in the whole league!

Eli: Killer! Now I have one more question, and it’s very VERY important.

Tom: Okay Eli, what is it?

Eli: Do I make more than Peyton?

Tom: Yes, Eli. You officially make more than your brother.

Eli: NO WAY!

Tom: Yes way, Eli. You’re a very rich man. I hope you know what you’re going to do with all that money.

Eli: Do I ever!

Eli: Sweeeeet! [sips from sippy cup]

It’ll Be a Flippin’ Sweet Start to Your Baby’s Life

Christmas Ape — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 17:45:41 +0000

Hey, this is Eli “Ben 10: Alien Force’s biggest fan!” Manning. Looking for a flippin’ sweet place to have your kid once you do whatever it is that causes babies to become real? Well, me and MY NUMBER ONE MAIN SQUEEZE Abby have decided to open our very own birthing center. Abby said one day we might have to play Mommy and Daddy together for real, so what better way to put in a good word with Mr. Stork than opening a birthing center/Chuck E. Cheese franchise right here in New York?

So why should you come to us instead of having the kid in your bathtub? I mean, doyyyyy. It’s so obvious. Check it out.

Special landing pads on the roof for storks!

Best care for your mommy’s tummy, which got big even though a giant bird brings the baby. Which is, like, really flippin’ weird when you think about it.

Most action figure filled waiting room ever!

Waterslide deliveries!

We’re jam packed with football lollies! Now with awesome creamsicle flavor!

You can force a trade of your baby if you don’t like it

All our nurses faint at the sight of blood, so you don’t feel like a big ol’ chicken if it happens to you

Tom Coughlin on staff as special screamy birthing coach

Race car beds in the nursery, natch

Epidural? Never heard of him, but we got all the Transformer dolls, so he’s gotta be in there

The gift shop no longer carries Plax dolls, but they have a new line of plush Hakeem Nicks.

Entire hospital filled with priceless antiques, picked out by me and MY MOMMY, even the medical equipment! Look at those old calipers go!

Eleven Angry Men… And One Super Excited Big Boy

Christmas Ape — Fri, 15 May 2009 18:12:12 +0000

Elisha Manning was all set to get empaneled onto a jury, but his questionnaire revealed a deep-seated bias against people who have stolen antiques. And older brothers. Also, the article reports it was unknown which case Eli was asked to sit in on, though we all know he only showed up to demand that his Plax be set free and allowed to return to his team.

The NFL has agreed to allow Chad Ocho Cinco to wear his new last name on his jersey this upcoming season, but only if it gets conflated to “Ochocinco”. When asked about the ruling, Chad responded, “I don’t want space in my name. Someone could put a chair there.”

Warren Sapp has pinned Tony Romo’s late season failings on trips to the golf course. See, this would have been more convincing had he said Romo wants to lose early just so he can get back to the course earlier than usual, rather than it being a distraction during the season. Also if Sapp had any sort of reputation for being a workout warrior himself during his career, that might’ve bolstered his argument ever so slightly.

The Steelers will visit the White House next Thursday, where Santonio Holmes will personally thank President Obama for ending the War on Drugs and Ben Roethlisberger will wrestle Joe Biden on the South Lawn for a package of Now and Laters.

The Ongoing Adventures of Elisha Manning

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 21:05:06 +0000

Int. Tenjune (the Meatpacking District)

(Beyonce’s Single Ladies blares over the speakers)

Abby: Oh I love this song! Come on Eli, let’s dance.

Elisha: I don’t like dancing, besides, I don’t want to leave Moishe all alone, he gets scared.

Brandon Jacobs: [pulls Eli aside] Hey man, cut out that Moishe shit. Get out there and dance with that fine ass bitch of yours before I step in and plow that.

Elisha: My what ass what?

Brandon: Your wife, Eli. Go dance with your wife.

Elisha: Fine, just let me ask the DJ man to put on some dance music.

Brandon: [looks confused, runs through load-bearing wall, stashes gun] Whatever.

Elisha: [approaches DJ booth] Excuse me, Mr. DJ man. MR. DJ MAN?!

DJ: [emerges from underneath tables] Yo, what up my MVP?

Elisha: What do you say we get an old fashioned line dance going on in here?

DJ: Sorry bro, I just finished off my stash, but if you need some coke the bouncer can hook it up.

Elisha: No I don’t need any Coke, I just scored a Shirley Temple from the waitress.

DJ: [looks confused] So what you want, man?

Elisha: Do you have any Kenny Chesney?

DJ: [doing his best Axel Foley impression] Get the fuck outta here.

Elisha: Yes, sir.

[Elisha walks back to his table]

Abby: What was that all about?

Elisha: Honestly, I have no friggin’ clue.

Abby: So will you dance with me?

Elisha: Sure. But let’s stay close to Moishe.

Abby: You know you can just sit down and I can dance for you.

Elisha: Really? That sounds good.

Abby: [begins gyrating her ass on Elisha's lap] How does that feel, baby?

Elisha: It feels sorta like when I wrestle with Cooper.

Abby: Huh. [begins grinding her ass into Elisha's crotch] And how does this feel?

Elisha: [turns red, begins sweating profusely] Uh…uncomfortable.

Abby: Really? Because it feels like you like it!

Elisha: What do you mean?

Abby: Well either you’re enjoying it or you’ve got a gun tucked into your waistband like Plaxico.

Elisha: NO I DON’T! That’s my periwinkle.

Abby: [whispering in Elisha's ear] Shhhhh. Just sit back and enjoy it.

[Abby turns around and begins dry-humping Eli]

Eli: [face contorts] GNUUUHHHHH!

Abby: Yeah, you like that, baby?

Eli: I MADE A MESS IN MY PANTS!

[a snicker arises from assorted teammates and other nearby patrons]

Abby: Shhh, it’s okay, sweetie.

Eli: No! [pushes Abby to the floor] MOOOOOOOOOOOM! I WANNA GO HOME NOW!

Thanks to Ben for the new nippley picture.

Eli Can’t Find His Plax

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:30:08 +0000

[Int. the Manning household]

Elisha: Hey Mom?

[no answer]

Elisha: MOM?!

Elisha: MOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOM!

[from downstairs]

Olivia: Yes, sweety?

Elisha: WHERE THE HECK IS MY PLAX?!

Olivia: Your what?

Elisha: MY PLAXICO! I CAN’T FIND HIM, HE’S MISSING!

Olivia: Calm down, my precious little boy.

Elisha: NO MOM, I’M FRICKIN SERIOUS!

Olivia: Now Eli, you know I don’t tolerate that kind of language in this house.

Elisha: Sorry, Mom. But have you seen my Plax anywhere? I can’t find him and he may be in trouble.

Olivia: I haven’t seen him, sweetie, I’m sorry. Did you check in the toy chest.

Elisha: Yes mom, I checked the flippin’ toy chest.

Olivia: Well I’m sorry Eli, but I don’t know where you could have left him. Why don’t you just play with one of your other toys.

Elisha: THEY’RE ACTION FIGURES!

Olivia: I know, Eli, I know, but if you don’t hurry up and pick one we’ll be late for your playdate at the Phelps’s. Why don’t you just take your Amani, he’s sitting on your nightstand ready to go.

Elisha: Aww Mom, he’s all old and raggedy and junk.

Olivia: Well young man, I don’t know where he could have gone. You know whenever Peyton loses one of his action figures he always makes do with what he has.

Elisha: I don’t care about Pey-Pey, I NEED MY PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX!

Olivia: Elisha Nelson Manning IV, you will use your indoor voice or I’ll take away your Hedgecock! Now if you don’t want to play with your Amani then you can just take that new Domenik doll I got for you. He’s just like Plaxico anyways.

Elisha: Oh come on, Mom, he can’t even catch with those hands!

Olivia: Well that’s all you’re going to get to play with today, because I told Debbie Phelps we’d be at her house by noon.

Elisha: Grrrrrrrr. [reluctantly grabs Amani and Domenik]

Olivia: If you’re a good boy we’ll stop at the orchard and get you some cider.

Elisha: FLIPPIN’ SWEET! I’m gonna drink so much cider, you don’t even know! [sips from sippy cup]

The Least Interesting Man In the World

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 14:49:53 +0000

He has been known to enjoy ham and cheese on white bread with miracle whip alongside a tall glass of warm milk.

He began puberty at the age of ten, but he didn’t finish until he was twenty-six.

His imaginary friend has a Masters degree in applied mathematics and suffers from social anxiety disorder.

He is from New Orleans, but his personality screams “Mississippi!”

He doesn’t just pose for the cover of Men’s Vogue, he is Men’s Vogue.

On his honeymoon he mastered Sudoku for Kids.

He is the inspiration behind the Banana Guard.

He is the least interesting man in the world…

I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.

/sips from sippy cup

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Eli Manning’s Big Off-Season Change

Unsilent Majority — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 18:08:18 +0000

Hey guys, good to see you again, did you have a good summer? Oh, you went to the beach? Dang, that sounds like fun, I bet the weather was great! Oh, well that’s too bad, but I bet you had fun playing board games in the condo. What do you mean you don’t play board games, what did you do all night? Oh, those clubs never let me in, I figured they were member’s only. Well that’s cool, I guess.

What did I do this off-season? Oh nothing much, unless you count… GROWING THIS TOTALLY KICKASS BEARD!!!

HELLS YEAH, IT’S GROWIN’ IN THICK AND EVERYTHING. DAD SAYS IF HE’S NOT TOO BUSY HE MIGHT TAKE ME TO BUY BUY A REMINGTON BEARD TRIMMER AFTER PRACTICE. THAT THING’S GOT LIKE, A BAZILLION ATTACHMENTS!

WHY DID I GROW IT? BECAUSE I NEEDED A NEW LOOK FOR THIS SEASON. WE WON IT ALL LAST YEAR, AND NOTHING SAYS “I’M A BIG MAN NOW” LIKE SOME FACE PUBES!

HEY, YOU NEED SOME CONDOMS ROOKIE? ‘CAUSE I GOT ABOUT A THOUSAND OF ‘EM IN MY LOCKER. HURRY UP BEFORE I USE EM ALL…

FOR SEX!

Eli’s Big Day Out

Unsilent Majority — Tue, 20 May 2008 13:24:53 +0000

THIS IS SO STUPID! I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO GO TO CRUDDY BABYLAND BECAUSE I WAS THE FLIPPIN’ MVP. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH IS THE EXIT 76 ANTIQUE MALL IN INDIANA. I CAN’T WAIT TO HIT THAT UP WHEN MOM AND I ARE VISITING PEYTON ON MY BYE WEEK. WHATDYA MEAN WE HAVE THE SAME BYE WEEK?

[throws tantrum]

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

[/tantrum]

NO! I’M A BIG MAN NOW, I DON’T NEED MOM.

OH WELL, I GUESS I COULD GO ON SOME RIDES WITH THE BABYSITTER BEFORE THAT FRIGGIN’ PARADE.

WHAT’S THIS KIDDIE RIDE ALL ABOUT? IT LOOKS LIKE IT JUST GOES AROUND IN CIRCLES.

[rides ride]

JEEZ ABBY, THIS IS BORING. IT JUST GOES AROUND AND AROUND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

[sulks]

WAIT! WAS THAT MICKEY?

OHMYGOD, IT’S MICKEY MOTHERFLIPPIN’ MOUSE IN PERSON AND I’M STUCK UP HERE GOING IN A STUPID CIRCLE!

HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?

OHMYGOD, THERE’S MICKEY!

HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?

OHMYGOD, THERE’S MICKEY!

HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?

OHMYGOD, THERE’S MICKEY!

HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?

[/rides ride]

WHAT THE HECK, WHERE DID HE GO? WHY AM I ALL DIZZY? OH GOD, I’M GONNA SPEW!

[spews in this]

AH CRUD, THIS DAY CAN’T GET ANY WORSE! I’M STUCK AT BABYLAND, MICKEY KEEPS DISAPPEARING, I BLEW CHUNKS ALL OVER THE PLACE, MOISHE IS AT HIS SPA DAY UNTIL DINNER TIME, AND NOW I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH SOME GIRLIE PARADE.

HOLY FREAKIN’ COW, MICKEY’S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!

OK, PLAY IT COOL BIG E, HE’S JUST ANOTHER CELEBRITY…

[turns to Mickey]

EXCUSE ME, MR. MOUSE, I’M A HUGE FAN OF YOURS AND-

[spews on Mickey]

BEST.DAY.EVER.

[sips from sippy cup]