Elisha and Marmalard will forever be inextricably linked as the top two quarterbacks selected in the 2004 NFL Draft, but more so because they were swapped for one another because Eli Manning is a prissy little bitch who refused to play in San Diego. Also, they’re both tremendously unlikable people. Eli has already had to play the Chargers since that fateful draft day (he lost), but that was back in 2005 when Breesus was still at the helm of the offense. “NOW IT’S LASERFACE’S TURN TO INFLICT NUTPUNCHING ANGUISH ON LESSER MANNINGS! TELL ME THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET, SHARTBOTTLE!” Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

(more…)

This week’s Meast is none other than Jared Allen of the Minnebretta Favrekings. Allen plowed through Green Bay’s Clifton-less line for 4.5 of the team’s eight sacks. He later celebrated by shooting a black bear and feasting on it’s precious sustentative gallbladder.

You can’t have a Meast without a Least, and this week’s ignominious award goes to Eli Manning’s happy feet…
(more…)

Int. Manning’s Hoboken, NJ Condo

Eli: [on the phone] That’s flippin’ sweet news, Mr. Condom [snickers to himself]. So I’m the highest paid player in the whole dang league?

Tom Condon: That’s right, Eli. You’re number one, just like we talked about.

Eli: Awesome! So I make more than that Spazzy McJerkface?

Tom: Yes, you make more than Phillip Rivers.

Eli: But do I make more than Coach Coughlin?

Tom: Of course Eli, you made more than Couch Coughlin when you were a rookie. Now you’re the highest paid player in the whole league!

Eli: Killer! Now I have one more question, and it’s very VERY important.

Tom: Okay Eli, what is it?

Eli: Do I make more than Peyton?

Tom: Yes, Eli. You officially make more than your brother.

Eli: NO WAY!

Tom: Yes way, Eli. You’re a very rich man. I hope you know what you’re going to do with all that money.

Eli: Do I ever!

(more…)

Hey, this is Eli “Ben 10: Alien Force’s biggest fan!” Manning. Looking for a flippin’ sweet place to have your kid once you do whatever it is that causes babies to become real? Well, me and MY NUMBER ONE MAIN SQUEEZE Abby have decided to open our very own birthing center. Abby said one day we might have to play Mommy and Daddy together for real, so what better way to put in a good word with Mr. Stork than opening a birthing center/Chuck E. Cheese franchise right here in New York?

So why should you come to us instead of having the kid in your bathtub? I mean, doyyyyy. It’s so obvious. Check it out.

We’re jam packed with football lollies! Now with awesome creamsicle flavor!

Int. Tenjune (the Meatpacking District)

(Beyonce’s Single Ladies blares over the speakers)

Abby: Oh I love this song! Come on Eli, let’s dance.

Elisha: I don’t like dancing, besides, I don’t want to leave Moishe all alone, he gets scared.

Brandon Jacobs: [pulls Eli aside] Hey man, cut out that Moishe shit. Get out there and dance with that fine ass bitch of yours before I step in and plow that.

Elisha: My what ass what?

Brandon: Your wife, Eli. Go dance with your wife.

Elisha: Fine, just let me ask the DJ man to put on some dance music.

Brandon: [looks confused, runs through load-bearing wall, stashes gun] Whatever.

Elisha: [approaches DJ booth] Excuse me, Mr. DJ man. MR. DJ MAN?!

DJ: [emerges from underneath tables] Yo, what up my MVP?

Elisha: What do you say we get an old fashioned line dance going on in here?

DJ: Sorry bro, I just finished off my stash, but if you need some coke the bouncer can hook it up.

Elisha: No I don’t need any Coke, I just scored a Shirley Temple from the waitress.

DJ: [looks confused] So what you want, man?

Elisha: Do you have any Kenny Chesney?

DJ: [doing his best Axel Foley impression] Get the fuck outta here.

Elisha: Yes, sir.

[Elisha walks back to his table]

Abby: What was that all about?

Elisha: Honestly, I have no friggin’ clue.

Abby: So will you dance with me?

Elisha: Sure. But let’s stay close to Moishe.

Abby: You know you can just sit down and I can dance for you.

Elisha: Really? That sounds good.
(more…)

[Int. the Manning household]

Elisha: Hey Mom?

[no answer]

Elisha: MOM?!

Elisha: MOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOM!

[from downstairs]

Olivia: Yes, sweety?

Elisha: WHERE THE HECK IS MY PLAX?!
(more…)

He has been known to enjoy ham and cheese on white bread with miracle whip alongside a tall glass of warm milk.

He began puberty at the age of ten, but he didn’t finish until he was twenty-six.

His imaginary friend has a Masters degree in applied mathematics and suffers from social anxiety disorder.

He is from New Orleans, but his personality screams “Mississippi!”

He doesn’t just pose for the cover of Men’s Vogue, he is Men’s Vogue.

On his honeymoon he mastered Sudoku for Kids.

He is the inspiration behind the Banana Guard.

He is the least interesting man in the world…
(more…)

Hey guys, good to see you again, did you have a good summer? Oh, you went to the beach? Dang, that sounds like fun, I bet the weather was great! Oh, well that’s too bad, but I bet you had fun playing board games in the condo. What do you mean you don’t play board games, what did you do all night? Oh, those clubs never let me in, I figured they were member’s only. Well that’s cool, I guess.

What did I do this off-season? Oh nothing much, unless you count… (more…)

THIS IS SO STUPID! I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO GO TO CRUDDY BABYLAND BECAUSE I WAS THE FLIPPIN’ MVP. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH IS THE EXIT 76 ANTIQUE MALL IN INDIANA. I CAN’T WAIT TO HIT THAT UP WHEN MOM AND I ARE VISITING PEYTON ON MY BYE WEEK. WHATDYA MEAN WE HAVE THE SAME BYE WEEK?

[throws tantrum]

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

[/tantrum]

NO! I’M A BIG MAN NOW, I DON’T NEED MOM.

OH WELL, I GUESS I COULD GO ON SOME RIDES WITH THE BABYSITTER BEFORE THAT FRIGGIN’ PARADE.

WHAT’S THIS KIDDIE RIDE ALL ABOUT? IT LOOKS LIKE IT JUST GOES AROUND IN CIRCLES.

[rides ride]

JEEZ ABBY, THIS IS BORING. IT JUST GOES AROUND AND AROUND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

[sulks]

WAIT! WAS THAT MICKEY?

OHMYGOD, IT’S MICKEY MOTHERFLIPPIN’ MOUSE IN PERSON AND I’M STUCK UP HERE GOING IN A STUPID CIRCLE!

HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?

OHMYGOD, THERE’S MICKEY!

HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?

OHMYGOD, THERE’S MICKEY!

HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?

OHMYGOD, THERE’S MICKEY!

HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?

[/rides ride]

WHAT THE HECK, WHERE DID HE GO? WHY AM I ALL DIZZY? OH GOD, I’M GONNA SPEW!

[spews in this]

AH CRUD, THIS DAY CAN’T GET ANY WORSE! I’M STUCK AT BABYLAND, MICKEY KEEPS DISAPPEARING, I BLEW CHUNKS ALL OVER THE PLACE, MOISHE IS AT HIS SPA DAY UNTIL DINNER TIME, AND NOW I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH SOME GIRLIE PARADE.

HOLY FREAKIN’ COW, MICKEY’S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!

OK, PLAY IT COOL BIG E, HE’S JUST ANOTHER CELEBRITY…

[turns to Mickey]

EXCUSE ME, MR. MOUSE, I’M A HUGE FAN OF YOURS AND-

[spews on Mickey]

BEST.DAY.EVER.

[sips from sippy cup]