When a team that KSK collectively loathes makes it to the Super Bowl, we can get a little carried away with rooting for their opponent. This might lead some to believe that we objectively approve of a slapdick team like the Giants. We do not. We hate everyone. Just some a little more than others. The Giants are goddamn annoying, but only slightly less annoying than the Patriots. Given a little more sustained success and the attending sense of entitlement, who knows? The gap isn’t as wide as it used to be.

We’re glad the Giants were able to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl in a fashion somewhat similar to the way they did four years ago. But if it weren’t you, it would have just been the Niners or the Packers. Expedience doesn’t excuse the fact that you’re mostly Yankees fans and denizens of Durrty Jerzz. Despite your constant protestations, you’re just as trashy as Jets fans, so stop putting on airs, you dicks.

Stop calling your team the New York Football Giants. The baseball team left more than 50 years ago. There’s no confusion. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

Yeah, I know, all us other fan bases are super jealous that your team won the title and that they made the incredible run twice in five years. It’s true. So we’re gonna take extra satisfaction when your team hopefully follows up this title like they did the last time, by running roughshod through the NFC, getting the top seed, then sh*tting the bed against the rival Eagles in the playoffs. Make us another crying Giants fan.

By the way, thanks for getting swept by the Redskins. Now D.C. fans have something, even sarcastically, to crow about. That’s never good. Getting Devin Thomas a ring for ‘Skins trolling purposes only provides minor relief.

Dammit, Eli: now that we finally have to admit you’re good, the least you could do is embrace it and talk a little sh*t about your brother.

YOU’VE BEEN IN PEYTON’S SHADOW YOUR WHOLE LIFE. WE KNOW YOU’RE ENJOYING THIS. ACT LIKE IT. NO ONE SAID YOU HAD TO WAVE YOUR DICK AT HIM, BUT MAKE A JOKE, YOU AWKWARDLY STOIC OLIVIA OEDIPUS.

NeckAIDS better run in the family.

The Giants decisively outplayed the Patriots in the first half. Bill Belichick displayed Andy Reid-ian clock management skills toward the end. His team doesn’t bother covering tight ends. The Pats defensive line was on rollerskates. Yet here we are with the Gritriots winning on the strength of a late gritdown from Danny Woodhead.

So now that the Patriots have survived that early onslaught, predictable game patterns dictate that New England has the edge to run away with it, even though Gronkowski has his requisite single catch for today. Still praying that the Giants pull this out for the usual reasons, but also because Simmons will never stop complaining about that Brady safety.

[gif via jose3030]

The Super Bowl, you guys. It came after all. You feared you’d never get to see commercials with chimps dressed as stewardesses headbutting random men in the dick to sell car insurance. Now you will! Plus Twitter gets to explode by the end of the first quarter. Maybe the whole Internet, too, because the game is being streamed online for the first time. The American dream is still alive. Take that, terrorist commie invading alien clown frauds.

We survived two weeks of Gronkowski ankle updates, Bill Simmons bitching in advance about the Giants faking injuries to slow the Greatriots offense, profiles of Belichick’s shadowy inner circle and examinations of whether another Super Bowl ring will push Brady or Eli into the list of greatest living presidents. Also, fans sublimated their big game anticipation into concentrated stupid thing energy.

And what Super Bowl run-up could be complete without BULLETIN BOARD MATERIAL OF ANCIENT MAYAN DOOM. It looked bleak for morons bleating about superstition until this morning when Chris Canty tweeted a prediction that the Giants would win 28-17. Finally, someone to blame when the karma gods invoke their new age wrath on the Giants.

Hope you didn’t bet the over on the prop bet for shots of Peyton Manning during the game, because from the looks of ESPN’s pregame coverage, Ol’ Battleship is taking in Super Bowl XLII.2 from his Gatorade Is It In You™ NeckAIDS Fallout Bunker deep beneath the city.

So let’s do this. The official KSK position is that this Super Bowl matchup is only worthwhile if the Patriots lose, but it can be a closely contested game, preferably with a huge momentum-swinging play that makes Simmons issue poorly veiled complaints for the next decade. And while this Brady Photoshop is admirable, I can’t support the underlying sentiment or bad comic book movies.

By the way, for this live blog, we’re introducing commenter achievements and badges. Rolling out two today: one for any signed-in reader who comments on a live blog and another for any who share via Facebook or Twitter. Peter King says many movie buffs won’t know the “Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!” came from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, but then they aren’t real movie fans.

The New York Post got their grubby hands on a private email from Gisele to friends and family asking for them to pray for her husband Tom Brady.

My sweet friends and family,

This sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl . . .

So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday.

Thank you for your love and support. Love, G :)

It’s funny because she believes in stuff. Not to be outdone by Rupert Murdoch, we’ve unearthed a personal email sent from Olivia Manning to her closest friends.

Dearest loved ones,

As you know, my precious baby Eli will be playing in the Super Bowl this Sunday. And as you might expect, he’s very nervous. My poor little angel was up all night suffering from anxiety induced diarrhea. I only tell you this because we consider all of you to be part of our family, and I ask that you join me in praying for him extra hard before now and Sunday.

Thank you for your discretion with regards to this sensitive matter.

Love,
Big O

Read the rest of this entry »

At long last, New York and Boston gets to settle an overblown regional rivalry through the medium of professional sports. It must be very cathartic to finally get that opportunity.

Did you know that Week 9 against the Giants was the last game that the Patriots lost?

Were you aware that that very game ended with Eli Manning throwing a touchdown pass to Jake Ballard, who wears the same jersey number that David Tyree wore as a Giant? A David Tyree who made a Giant Snatch, which was the Official Bill Simmons These Are My Readers Most Luckiest Leg Sweep In Rocky IV History?

These will be IMPORTANT COINCIDENCES used to create an extra sense of drama for a game that doesn’t really need it, but you’ll be bombarded with them nonetheless. But it’s the Super Bowl. If it weren’t these, it’ve been something about Jack Harbaugh whipping both of his sons with the sticks that correspond to the colors of the teams they now coach.

Kyle Williams won’t be in the Super Bowl, however, as he is the worst and people who are the worst don’t get to be in the Super Bowl. Unless they happen to sign as a backup for a good team, a la Leinart in 2008. Good luck with that, Kyle.

It was a pretty fantastic day of football overall. Alex Smith did some reverting to the “We Want Carr” Alex Smith of old as the game wore on and Eli Manning got the bejesus beaten out of him, but showed remarkable toughness for a man-child who typically displays anything but.

Hopefully the Giants will get to apply one of those shots to Dreamboat before the entire New York cut down on the field by a American flag draped Goodell firing squad. Meanwhile, Niners fans seem pretty angry about the Bradshaw fumble being blown dead late in the 4th quarter, but his forward progress was stopped on the play, so live with it. We’re moving onto our sports championship sequel, which Simmons will rank far ahead of other Super Bowl sequels like Cowboys-Bills, Steelers-Cowboys and 49ers-Bengals because those teams aren’t really movie stars.

Oh, and Coughlin brushing off Eli as Manning was furiously yelling that the playclock was running out just as the Giants were about to attempt the game-winning field goal was my favorite thing of the day, except for the whole Lee Evans/Cundiff sequence from the first game, which I’ll have on loop the entire week and maybe also forever and ever.

Here’s your tortured Peter King lede for the NFC Championship Game:

“It’s going to be a blood bath,” Giants defensive tackle Chris Canty said this week of the NFC Championship Game.

Right sentiment, wrong adjective. “Mud.” Mud bath.

Lofty set-up, wrong grammatical device. Bloodbath is a noun; it’s not an adjective. “If I may say so, you look positively bloodbath today.” “Why thank you, what a bloodbathy thing to say.” As adjectives used to describe the NFC Title Game, we underestimate mud bath.

When the Giants and 49ers get together in the postseason, great things happen. Joe Montana gets destroyed. Roger Craig fumbles with a chance to ice the NFC Championship. People named Trey Junkin botch snaps on potential go-ahead field goals. And the refs ignore brazen pass interference on said botched field goal attempt turned desperation pass. More of that, please.

I’ll take an exciting game regardless of the outcome, but I am inclined to say I’d prefer the Giants win only because the idea of Eli having more rings than Peyton is delightful. Also, it’s been annoying to watch San Francisco fans first be like…

Then be all…

Eli Manning gastrointestinal update: Coughlin says Manning has a “stomach bug”.

— Andrew Siciliano (@AndrewSiciliano) January 18, 2012

Doctor: We need 1000 cc’s of Pedialyte, STAT!

Nurse: Here you go, doctor.

Elisha: [moans] and a lollipop.

Doctor: Get this boy a lollipop before we lose him to acute crankiness.

Nurse: Right away, doctor.

Eli: [sucks peacefully]

Despite getting a handful of just horrible, horrible calls in their favor, the Packers were the first home team to drop a game this postseason. Very sad. But also hilarious to the point of gut laughter pain. Those State Farm ads will take on a very plaintive tone over the next week. It was a mixed weekend for teams with superior offenses and wretched defenses. The Saints and Packers, teams that many hoped to meet in the NFC Championship after a memorable Week 1 shootout and a season of putting up huge points, were downed by opponents that could actually bring pressure with their front four.

The Patriots, another team that fits the mold of defensively inept shootout kings, lived to grit it up another week because they ran into a Broncos team wholly unprepared to face a defense that wouldn’t stupidly stack nine in the box against them all game. Luckily, they’ll face Joe Flacco, who couldn’t make a throw today to save anyone’s life, let alone those who Ray Lewis helped kill but escaped serious conviction by ratting out his friends in a plea bargain with the court. The Ravens won’t be quite as stymied offensively next week, as Houston’s defense is far superior to New England’s. This also isn’t the floundering ’09 Pats team that Baltimore came into Foxboro and wiped their ass with in the Wild Card round a week after Wes Welker was lost for the season. The Patriots will put up points and Joe Flacco is actually going to have to do something, anything to keep up. Best of luck, Fu Manchu.

As for the NFC, the Giants will get the heft of the hype this week, by virtue of having felled the seemingly juggernaut droptastic Packers and also just being a team from New York. I wouldn’t bet the Niners will allow Eli to convert 5,000 third downs the way Green Bay’s porous defense did. And the Giants might do something to guard against Vernon Davis running free down the middle of the field. As PK would say, it’s an INTERESTING matchup, except for the potential of Alex Smith regressing to regular Alex Smith.

We’ll have live blogs for both conference championship games next weekend. Until then, I don’t know, get drunk and touch yourself.

You might have heard that the last time a playoff game was hosted at Lambeau Field, Eli Manning and the Giants won to advance to Super Bowl XLII. Well I’m here to tell you that was an elaborately constructed fiction fobbed off on the masses to sell Citizen Eco-Drive watches and Oreo cookies. It was actually Brett Favre who went on to defeat the then-unbeaten Patriots. Yeah, the shocking revelation still isn’t enough to make me tolerate Brittfar or even not wish gruesome tractor accident-related death on him, but at least now you know the truth.

Don’t mock the Dirty Bird! That’s only what every Falcons opponent has done since 1998. Fairly certain all Jamal Anderson does these days does is feign outrage whenever a Falcons opponent imitates it on a score.

Anyway, Eli spotted the Falcons a hilarious grounding penalty for a safety, but after the dust of a million punts and terrible Atlanta 4th down calls cleared, the Giants had won decisively. The score will lead some to believe it might have a better outing by New York than it really was, given they did things like this:

But even though the Giants dicked around most of the first half, the Falcons, much like Detroit on Saturday, just got sick of trying late. Best of luck to the Giants to try to the Packers another noble loss next week in Lambeau. The Giants did win the last playoff game played in Green Bay, which Peter King think is INTERESTING and reminiscent of Favre.