Kissing Suzy Kolber » Eli Manning http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com KSK is a humor site dedicated solely to the NFL. Sat, 21 Nov 2009 16:18:57 +0000 http://wordpress.org/ en hourly 1 It’ll Be a Flippin’ Sweet Start to Your Baby’s Life http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/06/itll-be-a-flippin-sweet-start-to-your-babys-life.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/06/itll-be-a-flippin-sweet-start-to-your-babys-life.html#comments Mon, 01 Jun 2009 17:45:41 +0000 Christmas Ape http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=15241
manningbirthing

Hey, this is Eli “Ben 10: Alien Force’s biggest fan!” Manning. Looking for a flippin’ sweet place to have your kid once you do whatever it is that causes babies to become real? Well, me and MY NUMBER ONE MAIN SQUEEZE Abby have decided to open our very own birthing center. Abby said one day we might have to play Mommy and Daddy together for real, so what better way to put in a good word with Mr. Stork than opening a birthing center/Chuck E. Cheese franchise right here in New York?

So why should you come to us instead of having the kid in your bathtub? I mean, doyyyyy. It’s so obvious. Check it out.

  • Special landing pads on the roof for storks!
  • Best care for your mommy’s tummy, which got big even though a giant bird brings the baby. Which is, like, really flippin’ weird when you think about it.
  • Most action figure filled waiting room ever!
  • Waterslide deliveries!
  • We’re jam packed with football lollies! Now with awesome creamsicle flavor!

    footballpops

  • You can force a trade of your baby if you don’t like it
  • All our nurses faint at the sight of blood, so you don’t feel like a big ol’ chicken if it happens to you
  • Tom Coughlin on staff as special screamy birthing coach
  • Race car beds in the nursery, natch
  • Epidural? Never heard of him, but we got all the Transformer dolls, so he’s gotta be in there
  • The gift shop no longer carries Plax dolls, but they have a new line of plush Hakeem Nicks.
  • Entire hospital filled with priceless antiques, picked out by me and MY MOMMY, even the medical equipment! Look at those old calipers go!
    ]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/06/itll-be-a-flippin-sweet-start-to-your-babys-life.html/feed 28 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/01/10317.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/01/10317.html#comments Wed, 14 Jan 2009 16:21:40 +0000 Captain Caveman http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=10317 “Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house.” Giants to pay Eli Manning $110 million to overthrow receivers for the next seven years. [NYDN]

    ]]>     http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/01/10317.html/feed 20     MOMMY, WOW, I’M BECOMING A MAN NOW! http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/04/mommy-wow-im-becoming-a-man-now.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/04/mommy-wow-im-becoming-a-man-now.html#comments Tue, 22 Apr 2008 17:05:24 +0000 Unsilent Majority http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=1708
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    OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ACTUALLY MARRIED!

    HEY MOM, CAN YOU WRITE “MR. ELI MANNING-McGREW” ON ALL OF MY NEW UNDERPANTS?! WHAT AM I SAYING, I’M MARRIED NOW! MAKE IT MRS. ELI MANNING-McGREW!

    [sucks inhaler]

    HEY MOM, DID YOU FINISH PACKING MY SUITCASE FOR THE HONEYMOON?!

    [opens suitcase]

    WHAT THE HECK, MA? YOU PACKED THIS ALL WRONG!

    [unpacks item]

    I’M NOT A BABY!

    [unpacks item]

    JEEZ MOM, WHY WOULD I WANT TO READ ON VACATION? HONEYMOONS ARE FOR TWO THING, PLAYING DRESS-UP AND EATING S’MORES!

    [packs items]

    [packs imaginary item]

    THIS TRIP IS GONNA RULE!

    [sips from sippy cup]

    Stay tuned for dispatches from the honeymoon later in the week.

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