Hey, this is Eli “Ben 10: Alien Force’s biggest fan!” Manning. Looking for a flippin’ sweet place to have your kid once you do whatever it is that causes babies to become real? Well, me and MY NUMBER ONE MAIN SQUEEZE Abby have decided to open our very own birthing center. Abby said one day we might have to play Mommy and Daddy together for real, so what better way to put in a good word with Mr. Stork than opening a birthing center/Chuck E. Cheese franchise right here in New York?

So why should you come to us instead of having the kid in your bathtub? I mean, doyyyyy. It’s so obvious. Check it out.

We’re jam packed with football lollies! Now with awesome creamsicle flavor!

“Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house.” Giants to pay Eli Manning $110 million to overthrow receivers for the next seven years. [NYDN]

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ACTUALLY MARRIED!

HEY MOM, CAN YOU WRITE “MR. ELI MANNING-McGREW” ON ALL OF MY NEW UNDERPANTS?! WHAT AM I SAYING, I’M MARRIED NOW! MAKE IT MRS. ELI MANNING-McGREW!

[sucks inhaler]

HEY MOM, DID YOU FINISH PACKING MY SUITCASE FOR THE HONEYMOON?!

[opens suitcase]

WHAT THE HECK, MA? YOU PACKED THIS ALL WRONG!

[unpacks item]

I’M NOT A BABY!

[unpacks item]

JEEZ MOM, WHY WOULD I WANT TO READ ON VACATION? HONEYMOONS ARE FOR TWO THING, PLAYING DRESS-UP AND EATING S’MORES!

[packs items]

[packs imaginary item]

THIS TRIP IS GONNA RULE!

[sips from sippy cup]

Stay tuned for dispatches from the honeymoon later in the week.