Everybody wanna listen when Ed Hochuli screws the Chargers, when Ed Hochuli miss a Reggie Bush facemask pull but DON’T NOBODY wanna listen when Ed Hochuli put on his screw-you shoes and lay the pipe to Joey Porter’s Dolphins. Where’s the integrity of the game?

FIX THE INTEGRITY OF YO GAME!

Officiating, like the Dow Jones, is falling to all-time lows. Joey Porter sees a connection. That’s why we need a Joey Porter referee bailout plan. And that plan is you make Joey Porter special guest referee. Mike Tyson got to do it at Wrestlemania a while back and he told it was the easiest shit he ever did that didn’t involve pushing a bitch down the stairs.

First thing first. Gonna have to be some changes to the referee uniform. I’mma need a striped half shirt to wear, maybe you could lose the sleeves for me too. And instead of throwing flags, I release my pit bulls on offending players. They make sure to bite where your pads ain’t!

THEY GONE FIX YO MOUF!

I guarantee you won’t be seeing any more of Richie Incognito mouthing off to the zebras. That mouth get fixed with the quickness. And Joey Porter ain’t gonna blow no play dead before the ball come loose. Joey Porter gone let ‘em play UNTIL the ball come loose. Then he gonna award possession to whichever team that remembers to show him some RESPECT!

On this much we agree: Something gotta be done about these refs. They don’t even blind offensive linemen with weighted flags no more. Thems was the days. Made it that much easier to get to the quarterback. Joey Porter the referee make sure to blind every lineman. You take that shit to the bank, even if every bank is broke. Joey gone fix them next!

[Int. NFL Executive Offices]

Ed: I’d like to thank everyone for being here for today’s press conference, once again I apologize for the short notice. I’m glad to see some of the NFL’s fine fans could be here alongside various members of the sports media, because this involves them as much as anyone else.

Jet Fan: Booooooooo!

Ed: In the interest of time, I’ll get right to the point. I am here to offer up a mea culpa. I am not asking for forgiveness or understanding, I just need to clear my conscience, so here goes. Several years ago I conspired with known gamblers to fix a football game.

Press: [blank stares]

Ed: I know, I know, you must all be shocked and appalled at this groundbreaking revelation.

Fans: [blank stares]

Ed: You see, at the time I found myself caught up in the seedy world of underground body building, and I was in quite a bit of debt to some nefarious men in the steroid trade. I was told that in exchange for wiping the debt clean I would have to guarantee the outcome of the 2002 NFC/AFC Pro Bowl in advance. This is truly a shame that I will never live down, and I will fully understand if you all hate me.

Fans: [blank stares]

Press: [blank stares]

Ed: Of course this story goes far deeper than this. You see, if I didn’t pay my debt then these men would have gone public with my rampant steroid use, as well as my side business supplying anabolic steroids to players throughout the league. It was at this time that I approached then Commissioner Paul Tagliabue to inform him of the depth and gravity of the situation. At this point Mr. Tagliabue ordered me to fix however many games it took to prevent these men from revealing the league’s secrets.

Fans: [blank stares]

Press: [blank stares]

Ed: Don’t you people have any questions or comments?

Peter King: If you were a latte, what kind of flavor shot would you be infused with?

Ed: I was referring to questions regarding the conspiracy to fix football games and/or the league’s sordid history of steroid abuse.

Fan: Which running back is getting the best steroids? I have a fantasy draft in a couple of months and I want to make sure my first round pick is primed for a big season.

Ed: I think you guys are missing the point. I’m telling you that the National Football League is complicit in crimes ranging from drug use to conspiracy to committing fraud. You must have some questions regarding the steroid distribution ring and the game fixing.

Chris Mortenson: Don’t you think that Tim Donaghy guy is a dick?

Ed: I am guilty of the same infraction of Mr. Donaghy.

Mort: [blank stare]

Fan: Can you autograph my bicep?

Ed: So you guys don’t even care about this stuff, do you?

Fan: Do the first down point!

Ed: Hmmm. OK, well I might as well take this opportunity to admit that I once financed a dog fight on my property.

Everyone: