A very sad thing happened last week. Our friends at Fire Joe Morgan decided to shut down their site. But their legacy will not be forgotten. I don’t want to live in a world where people can’t repost breathtakingly inane commentary and mercilessly tear it to shreds. So it is up to each and every one of us to carry their torch, and to piss all over retard columnists as often as humanly possible.

So let’s do that right now. Say, Peter King, what do you think of that Kerry Collins fellow?

Tennessee has to sign Kerry Collins to a fair-market deal, even if it means Vince Young has to sit behind him for two more years … or if it means the Titans lose Bud Adams’ favorite boy toy.

Never thought Bud Adams and Kevin Spacey had so much in common, did you?

Tony Romo’s a hero.

He sure is. To bravely sit out a month with a broken pinkie, and then to make a triumphant comeback by playing somewhat better than Brad Johnson and Brooks Bollinger? And to do it all while still leading the league in smiles? What a man. I’ve known men who have been shot down over Hanoi and tortured with ice picks who aren’t 1/50th as valiant as Tony Romo. A memorial to his gallant actions must be erected.

“That’s why I came back.”
-Brett Favre, in a text message at 1:14 a.m. Friday, following the scintillating win over the Patriots.

“That’s why I came back, Peter. So I could barely defeat an injury-ravaged team, then send you text messages in the dead of night, so that you could then write a 30,000-word paean to me the following day about how much I love the game. There’s no better feeling in the world than having your tongue rooting around my rectal cavity.”

The numbers don’t matter. They never matter in classic Favre games.

So true. You can’t brand a five-pick game a “Favre classic” if you actually pay attention to how he did.

The Jets needed a classic Favre game to slay the Patriots in Foxboro, and they got something better.

Consistent accuracy? Balls not thrown 50 yards down the field just for the fuck of it?

But I write this note because of what I noticed in the wood-paneled, spacious, Wi-Fi-enabled locker room. The room, on an 78-degree Tampa afternoon, was odor-free… The theory: If the odor-causing items — shoes, pads, helmets, practice gear — are near or next to an exhaust system designed to suck nearby air out of the locker through two big vents, there won’t be any smell to linger.

What a country.

That’s the kind of Renuzit-inspired innovation that will put our economy back on track!

Don’t you get the feeling the Jeremy Shockey experiment is going to turn out very bad for the Saints?

A classic King observation. Take something that is already glaringly obvious and recast it as a prediction. Here are a couple of other samples I made up just now. You can do it, too!

“Don’t you guys get the feeling that these Tennnessee Titans could turn out to be a pretty good football team?”
“Ever get the sneaking suspicion that all is not right with Al Davis and the Raiders? That team could be headed for turmoil!”
“Call me crazy, but I’m not sure Marvin Lewis is going to be around next year.”
“Don’t be surprised if you find out I like pulling charm bracelets out of my ass!”
“You heard it here first, folks: That Steve Kroft is one heckuva journalist.”

Hugh Laurie is to acting what Joshua Cribbs is to special-teaming.

Hang on… let me just double check… yes, yes, it’s happened. You’ve broken the analogy as a linguistic construct, Mr. King. Every standardized English test in the country just self-immolated at this very moment. Yes, Hugh Laurie is to acting what Joshua Cribbs is to special-teaming. And Lisa Edelstein is to cleavage-baring japs what Scott Pioli is to player scouting and development!

Every day, I find myself saying some “Seinfeld” line. Sometimes three, four, five times a day.

And don’t get him started on the “Austin Powers” quotes, either! Does Tony Romo make you horny baby, YEAH DOES HE?!!

NOTE: Si.com has since removed that “boy toy” line from King’s post. But I swear it was in there. And, as tribute, Christmas Ape provides us with PK’s theme song.

You’ve had a rough couple of weeks. The economy is in the toilet. You fear for your job. You may have lost a significant portion of your savings. You’re not even sure the ATM will give you money the next time you go. You were gonna go out to dinner this weekend, but you decided to scale back, lest you find yourself out of money very soon down the road.

In times like these, there’s only one thing that all of us can rely on, and that is Peter King’s endless, stupefying inanity:

Sometimes when you’re parenting, you tell your kids, “Oh, everything’s fine. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.” You don’t really believe it, but you figure it’s what you’ve got to say sometimes.

“No, sweetie. That rugged, gorgeous man you saw in Daddy’s bedroom was just his friend. We were just doing a cancer check on each other, because that’s what friends do. Daddy still loves Mommy. It’s just that, sometimes Mommy doesn’t like all the things Daddy likes, like pulling chains out of his ass.”

9. San Diego (3-3). Fairly predictable result last night. Chargers have a quarterback you can trust. Patriots don’t. Doesn’t Philip Rivers throw a beautiful deep ball?

He sure does. Look at it! It’s so wobbly, and underthrown! Look at how Vincent Jackson has to violently turn his body just to get into position to catch it! God, a thing of beauty. Like a butterfly with vertigo.

17. (tie) Green Bay (3-3). The thing I liked most about the win at Seattle was Aaron Rodgers playing well, almost Favrian, with a bum shoulder.

ZOMG! He played HURT! That is such a trademark Favre move!

f. You can’t bury Jeff Garcia. You can only hope to contain him.

And Matt Ryan is cooler than the other side of the plane ticket!

f. Aaron Kampman defines the phrase “great motor.”

Just to reiterate, that is the second (f) subset King used this week. I imagine King was a big fan of outlining term papers back in his days at Ohio U.

I. Paul Brown: God, what a man.
  a. Wore nice suits
  b. Looked very stern
   i. Not a big fidgeter
   ii. Smiled infrequently
    1. Like, never
     a. I’m not sure he’d get along with Tony Romo
      i. Romo is a great smiler

As for the Kampman comment itself, it follows King’s patented commenting recipe, now adapted by 10 out of 10 NFL studio analysts!

1. Take player.
2. Take very broad generalization that doesn’t require watching the player for more than 3 seconds
3. Employ overused metaphor, preferably related to war or cars.
4. Combine into single, idiotic sentence.

Like so!
-Peyton Manning defines the word “trooper”.
-The Saints are what we like to call a “high-octane” offense.
-Brett Favre is just like an old Cadillac!
-Two words on the Browns last night: AERIAL ASSAULT.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. Joe Maddon. Spencer Tracy.

B. Play baseball, Manny.

Those are not non-football thoughts. Those are non-thoughts. Hey Manny, stop playing jai alai, you bastard!

So you see. Life isn’t so bad. No matter how bleak things may look, take comfort in knowing that you aren’t football’s equivalent of Billy Bush.