So didja hear? This lockout business is gonna be cleared up by SUNDEE. And you know what comes after that? Free agency! Cooch Shanny and that smiley fella are gonna hop in Redskins One and snatch up all the best talent before these other clowns even know they’re back open for business.

/listens to the Junkies

Who do you think we’ll sign first? I hear Braylon is already sure thing. How can we lose?

/tweets @chaddukes incessantly

Once he’s locked up for the rest of the decade we can fly out to visit NNAMDEE. Hail to ole, DC!

/never gets any closer to DC than Landover

And you know who would look good on the other side? CROOMARTEE.

/calls Czabe to predict a 14-2 record

It’s gonna be like ’82 and ’87 all over again, so book us a room for the Super Bowl. The Redskins are returning to GLOREE!

/sets up camp outside of Redskins Park in anticipation of training camp

Cooch, I’m tellin’ ya, I’m in agony this morning. This is what it means to be a D.C. sports fan, truly the undisputed most tortured cohort of fans ever suckered into paying attention to a sport they didn’t care about until when the home team was doing well. This was supposed to be the RETURN TO GLOREEEEE! Instead, we had a delayed Red Line train full of sad faces. I saw a man crying in the Harris Teeter last night!

I used ta think that Ovechkeen was a stand-up kinda guy. Enough so that I bought his jersey for me, the wifee and even a junior size one for each of the youngins. I think it’s the only one they let you get anyway. But it’s clear to me now, Cooch, that Ovechkeen just doesn’t have the mindset to get it done when it counts. Just this morning, I saw in the lady columnist thing in the Post that said he skips voluntary offseason workouts. That means we are right to retroactively begin questioning his greatness.

Now, let me tell you what I think is needed to remedy the situation. First, we need to fire that Island of Dr. Moreau cooch the IceSkins got and get Gibbs in there. He’d whip ‘em into shape and get ‘em GAMEDEE REEDY. Plus, he’d've traded for Haynesworth at goal and gotten Joe Jacoby to play whatever position protects the goalie. He would have FIVE WHOLE SECONDS to observe everee shot before it got to him. See, the problem with that team is they got no defense and no one between the pipes. We fans saw it all along, but only now that it proved to be their mortal weakness will we bitch endlessly about it.

Okay, enough with the choking IceSkins. It’s over and we have to move on. Next up is Super Sundee. Now, I like the moves to pick up Joey Gallowee and Bobbee Wade at receiver. He now have marquee players at even third and fourth receiver. How are teams going to possibly cover all those weapons? Give ‘em 15 on the field and they still can’t do it. Add that with the new SILVERBACK HOG we got in the draft and now Donovan being under center and we’re readee for the Cowboys Week 1. Dallas Week starts now!

/ignores the Nats having a winning record

Eddie from Chevy Chase Village: Did you watch that yesterday?

Ryan from Falls Church: Oh my God, I’m so pissed. I don’t wanna talk about it.

Eddie: That faggot Crosby

Ryan: Fucking Crosby faggot

Eddie: Butthurt fag boy

Ryan: Faghurt butt boy

Eddie: Yeah, the US lost, but hockey got a victory in the long run. That’s what’s important.

Ryan: Yeah, hockey’s back! Football sucks now!

Eddie: No shit. The DMV has been on hockey since 2007.

Ryan: Ahead of the game, son.

Eddie: Our one rapper Wale even said so.

Ryan: I like him because he references suburban counties that I recognize!

Eddie: D.C. is blowing up! We might get two rappers!

Ryan: First we gotta get a sports title!

Eddie: Sports titles confer legitimacy!

Ryan: Redskins won’t get us a title.

Eddie: Fuck the Redskins.

Ryan: Yeah, fuck ‘em. Fuck Snyder. Snyder’s a BAMA! That’s how black people use that word, right?

Eddie: Yeah, total bama.

Ryan: They wanna sign Darren Sproles and Julius Peppers and I don’t even care.

Eddie: Usually, I would have fired up the bandwagon, but after only 15 years of sustained disappointment with free agents, we have already become wise and wary of the futility of acquiring big ticket players.

Ryan: Just like it only took us 10 years of mediocrity to realize FedEx Field is an undesirable gameday experience.

Eddie: DMV is educated. We observe the trends.

Ryan: Haynesworth wasn’t a flop though.

Eddie: Yeah, people don’t understand how he was sneaky good last year.

Ryan: And with Peppers with him?

Eddie: Minimum 12 wins.

Ryan: MINIMUM.

Eddie: We gotta keep JC-17 too.

Ryan: Absolutely. Campbell is a future MVP. We all know it. Sproles is the missing piece of that offense. We just needed a kick returner and a change of pace back.

Eddie: All Randle El’s fault. I knew he would suck two years in. I called it.

Ryan: You did. You called that.

[Whistle on the ice]

Eddie: What happened?

Ryan: Someone got called for offsides.

Eddie: Did they jump early? Did the other team go to silent snap count?

Ryan: No, that’s football offsides. Hockey offsides is different.

Eddie: Different how?

Ryan: Uh…HEY LOOK WE’RE WINNING!

Eddie: OVIIIIIIIIII!

That’s just stunningly poor execution right there. Hell, even if you achieve the desired outcome you’re still landing ass first on the blacktop with a six-inch shard of particle board lodged in your downstairs. No, these ladies simply don’t understand the fundamentals of a proper table match. Continue after the jump for a quick historical lesson on the art of hurling oneself through a piece of portable furniture.

Ah, youth.