So didja hear? This lockout business is gonna be cleared up by SUNDEE. And you know what comes after that? Free agency! Cooch Shanny and that smiley fella are gonna hop in Redskins One and snatch up all the best talent before these other clowns even know they’re back open for business.

/listens to the Junkies

Who do you think we’ll sign first? I hear Braylon is already sure thing. How can we lose?

/tweets @chaddukes incessantly

Once he’s locked up for the rest of the decade we can fly out to visit NNAMDEE. Hail to ole, DC!

/never gets any closer to DC than Landover

And you know who would look good on the other side? CROOMARTEE.

/calls Czabe to predict a 14-2 record

It’s gonna be like ’82 and ’87 all over again, so book us a room for the Super Bowl. The Redskins are returning to GLOREE!

/sets up camp outside of Redskins Park in anticipation of training camp

Cooch, I’m tellin’ ya, I’m in agony this morning. This is what it means to be a D.C. sports fan, truly the undisputed most tortured cohort of fans ever suckered into paying attention to a sport they didn’t care about until when the home team was doing well. This was supposed to be the RETURN TO GLOREEEEE! Instead, we had a delayed Red Line train full of sad faces. I saw a man crying in the Harris Teeter last night!

I used ta think that Ovechkeen was a stand-up kinda guy. Enough so that I bought his jersey for me, the wifee and even a junior size one for each of the youngins. I think it’s the only one they let you get anyway. But it’s clear to me now, Cooch, that Ovechkeen just doesn’t have the mindset to get it done when it counts. Just this morning, I saw in the lady columnist thing in the Post that said he skips voluntary offseason workouts. That means we are right to retroactively begin questioning his greatness.

Now, let me tell you what I think is needed to remedy the situation. First, we need to fire that Island of Dr. Moreau cooch the IceSkins got and get Gibbs in there. He’d whip ‘em into shape and get ‘em GAMEDEE REEDY. Plus, he’d've traded for Haynesworth at goal and gotten Joe Jacoby to play whatever position protects the goalie. He would have FIVE WHOLE SECONDS to observe everee shot before it got to him. See, the problem with that team is they got no defense and no one between the pipes. We fans saw it all along, but only now that it proved to be their mortal weakness will we bitch endlessly about it.

Okay, enough with the choking IceSkins. It’s over and we have to move on. Next up is Super Sundee. Now, I like the moves to pick up Joey Gallowee and Bobbee Wade at receiver. He now have marquee players at even third and fourth receiver. How are teams going to possibly cover all those weapons? Give ‘em 15 on the field and they still can’t do it. Add that with the new SILVERBACK HOG we got in the draft and now Donovan being under center and we’re readee for the Cowboys Week 1. Dallas Week starts now!

/ignores the Nats having a winning record

Eddie from Chevy Chase Village: Did you watch that yesterday?

Ryan from Falls Church: Oh my God, I’m so pissed. I don’t wanna talk about it.

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So far this season I’ve remained true to my word to not return to FedEx Field until I am left with no other choice, and so far all I’ve missed out on is shitty alcohol, poorly grilled meat, a crowd filled with social assholes who’d rather yuk it up than agonize over the actual game, and the occasional dumb bitch trying to execute a running leg drop on an elevated table (sans opponent). Fortunately somebody taped the last one so I could relive it from my couch, where I’m also able to watch every minute of the game and post-game in high def surrounded by excellent alcohol and perfectly cooked meats delivered to my door. And all without driving to Landover and sitting in a parking lot for two hours next to these retards.

That’s just stunningly poor execution right there. Hell, even if you achieve the desired outcome you’re still landing ass first on the blacktop with a six-inch shard of particle board lodged in your downstairs. No, these ladies simply don’t understand the fundamentals of a proper table match. Continue after the jump for a quick historical lesson on the art of hurling oneself through a piece of portable furniture.

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