STEELERS MAKE SWITCH TO LESS BOOZY TERRIBLE KICKER After years of putting up with his embarrassing antics and short kickoffs, the Steelers have finally had enough with Jeff Reed. Apparently the team simply won’t truck players publicly maligning the Heinz Field grass during a press conference. His replacement will be former Redskins and Cowboys failure Shaun “Shazam” Suisham, whose career highlight to date is an incredibly fake video of him kicking a 110-yard field goal in 2008. Huzzah!

Colts punter Pat McAfee was released from jail earlier today, after police found him shirtless and soaking wet from a swim in a city canal at 5 a.m. Let’s go straight to the highlights:

Officers asked McAfee if he had been swimming in the canal and he said “I am not sure,” according to a police report. They asked him how he got wet and he said it had been raining, then told officers that his shirt was “in the water.”

Police asked McAfee how much he had to drink.

“A lot cause I am drunk,” McAfee said, according to the report…

Police were first called after a driver stopped at a red light reported that a man with no shirt approached her car. The woman told police she feared the man was going to try to get in the car, so she ran the red light and called 911 to report the suspicious person. [Daily Caller]

McAfee recorded a .15 BAL on the Breathalyzer, which every journalist on the planet was quick to call “almost twice the legal limit for drivers in Indiana.” It’s also a perfectly legal BAL for pedestrians who can hold their liquor.

Before the arrest, McAfee posted this on Twitter: “Bye week bye week bye week. Time to get some ish done. Happy Tuesday Party people.” [ESPN]

It’s hard for me to defend McAfee (because I loathe the Colts and regularly get work done with a BAL in the neighborhood of .15), but I will:

The guy is 23 years old, two years out of college, and stuck in the wasteland of Indianapolis, one of the handful of NFL cities that’s a step down in nightlife and culture from McAfee’s alma mater of West Virginia. He apparently had no intention of driving drunk (before asking if he could walk home, he told officers that he was waiting for a friend to get him and that he planned to take a cab). He wasn’t hitting a woman or dogfighting or sending pictures of his dick to anyone. He didn’t have practice the next day or the rest of the week. He was just one young drunk dude who wanted to go for a swim.

And for that, we salute you, Pat McAfee. Godspeed, and bottoms up.

Jeff Reed has once again reinforced his rock-solid reputation as douche of the drunkenist order by getting a police citation yesterday after the Steelers win at home against Cleveland. But this time it was really 10-foot-tall blocking deficient backup tight end Matt Spaeth who initiated the problems by having cops catch him peeing on an SUV.

Skippy only made things bad for himself when he [premature facepalm] unimpressively tried to challenge the officers to a bit o’ the fisticuffs.

The officer went to Mr. Spaeth to issue a citation when, police said, the Steelers kicker got out of the vehicle.

He refused to get back into the vehicle, which was driven by his father. Instead, Mr. Reed put up his fists and got “into a fighters stance,” according to a police affidavit.

The confrontation was swift as one officer put Mr. Reed in an arm lock while a second officer forced him to the ground.

Nicely done, Skip. I bet Daniel Sepulveda would have at least gotten a punch off.

Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Jeff Reed was cited for criminal mischief and disorderly contact this morning in New Alexandria, Pennsylvania after he totally kicked the ass of a gas station paper towel dispenser.

According to a state police press release, Reed damaged a towel dispenser inside the men’s room at a Sheetz gas station on Route 22 in New Alexandria after he became infuriated that it did not contain towels.

Store employees told state police that they heard Reed “banging on something and that it was really loud.” The employees said Reed then left the bathroom “using profane language in a loud manner” and stating that there were no towels in the restroom.

It’s just like the liberal media to make a huge deal out of this, but where were they the time when Reed came out of the restroom and distracted an armed robber long enough to allow the clerk to throw hot coffee in his face? He was a hero, man.

[ WTAE ]

Having gotten his drank on in Tampa, Jeff Reed now embarks on an offseason of sitting at tables with large bottles of Grey Goose and sticking microphones up guys’ asses. Because the flatus must be heard! And leopard print girl seems very interested in what it has to say.

Ahem. Anyway, sorry to push Kate Mara down the page, but the latest in the neverending series of exclusive shots of Skippy getting tanked takes precedent.

Also, for a quick daily refresher in annoying homerism: it seems Cowboys fans are all hot and bothered because some diptard on ESPN suggested that the Steelers should now be the ones called “America’s Team” because they have lots of fans and the most Super Bowl titles. I think I speak in accordance with the rest of Steelers fans when I say we don’t give a shit and Dallas can keep their dumb moniker.

WE ONLY INTERESTED IN DRANKIN’

Well tanks fer nuttchin’. USAToday’s Jeff Zillgitt has a profile of bawdy Steelers kicker Jeff Reed today, complete with this little nugget:

Pictures of Reed with women at a Tampa bar this week surfaced. “I was with my teammates, and we had a good time,” Reed says. “Taking pictures with somebody is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t care if it’s random fans who are guys or hot girls. You just have to be smart.”

No link, no name-check, nothing. Get bent, USA Today. I’m glad Gannett is folding like Superman on laundry day.

 
[ USAToday, how hard is that, jerky? ]

Jeff Reed getting drunk at a Tampa bar in a wacky “Chillin’ with my Peeps” shirt. All is right with the world. Something tells me this music plays on loop anywhere Jeff goes.

And I do believe that’s back-up tight end Matt Spaeth in this photo with ladies and a tall ginger guy I don’t recognize [Edit: It seems it's TE/FB Sean McHugh. Injured longsnapper Greg Warren appears in the Carolina shirt after the jump]. The kicker and the second-string tight end hitting up the nightlife? CLEARLY THIS IS A TEAM SWEPT UP IN THE HOOPLA!

After the jump, more of the leering drunk kicker. Neil Rackers would never be so ill-behaved! Read the rest of this entry »

Mike Vanderjagt missed three field goals in his Toronto Argonauts return this past weekend. Sure, we’ve all laughed at Vanderjagt before, but no one wants to see him lose his ability to learn a livelihood. Most times, a str-ugg-ell-ing kicker can work out a case of the yips by sticking around after practice and booting a few extra attempts. Vanderjagt, however, can’t do this since THE ARGONAUTS DO NOT HAVE GOALPOSTS ON THEIR MOTHER FLIPPIN’ PRACTICE FIELD.

What other corners are they cutting in the Great White North? Here’s a partial list of other loonie saving measures:

Seriously, this is the organization that hopes to stave off an NFL invasion? I bet when Roger Goodell and Ralph Wilson heard about these inadequate facilities, their eyes spun into dollar signs while making slot machine sounds. I saw Scrooge McDuck do it once, so I assume it is a condition peculiar to all rich folk.

With Santonio Holmes matching his team record for pictures of his dick hitting the intarwebs, it was only a matter time before Steelers kicker Jeff Reed responded with more drunken debauchery.

An anonymous reader sends these pics of Jeff getting to be a pretty pretty princess for a day in Vegas.

Unrelated but amusing: A girl at the Steelers bar I go to in D.C. has several times said that her dream death would be to have Jeff Reed crush her head between his thighs. I’m going to bet he’d be willing to oblige.