Drew Brees also understands if you want to kiss him. Just keep it to the cheek, please. Not because he’s not gay, but because he honors the wedding vows he made with his lovely wife. He’s a family man, you know. Hey, you should come over to his house for dinner some time.

“Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back at your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me. But if he stopped using lady-scented body wash and started smoking cigars on a farm, he could smell like he’s me.

“Look down. Back up. Where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it: it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again: the tickets are now diamonds! Anything is possible when your man smells like tobacco, sweat, and whiskey.

“I’m on a horse.”

(image via @si_vault)

Thanks to Andy Gray, maestro of the SI Vault, for alerting us to another magnificent snapshot of our beloved drunken Uncle Joe. Continue after the jump to see how Namath assisted federal agents in their efforts to enforce prohibition without being needlessly wasteful.

And now, because there is nothing else going on today, here’s a bewildered Italian greyhound wearing a Cowboys helmet.

In the immortal words of Nasir Jones, “F*#k Jay Z.” Sure, Jay can still bring it, but if everyone listened to him we wouldn’t have a gem like this from DJ Steve Porter. The video is heavy on AI (with good reason) before venturing into our domain. First comes the remix of Jim Mora’s legendary “Playoffs?” explosion, then there’s Mike Gundy’s fantastic rant. Eventually (around the 3:30 mark) we get to the good stuff. Namath. Kolber. Autotuned. Enjoy.

Thanks to reader Tomas for sending this our way.

Jill T., Bethesda: Hi, Joe! Joe, what did you think about the Steelers guaranteeing a victory over the Patriots and then losing so badly? Do you think these lame guarantees devalue your guarantee way back when?

Drunken Joe Namath: Well, Jill, I’ll tell you. History has that story all wrong. Hold on just a moment. My bourbon glass is only three-quarters full. (fills rest of glass) AH! THERE! Now THAT is a way to spend a morning! Anyway Jill, legend goes I guaranteed a win over the Colts. But that’s not true. What I guaranteed was that I would make Ann-Margaret a real woman that night! And I did! And I’ll do the same for you, Jill. It doesn’t matter if you’re under 18. LEGENDS GET A FREE PASS ON YOUNG ASS! I feel great! Who wants to split a Scorpion bowl?!

Mary J., Brooklyn: We love ya, Joe! Joe, what do you think of Eli Manning and my Giants? Do they have what it takes to go far in the playoffs?

Namath: Well, Mary, I tell you this: that Peyton Manning is one heckuva good quarterback! He’s got the heart of a LION! Say Mary, you sound like quite a saucy little minx. Why don’t you meet me at the Holiday Inn just down the street? Ask for Frank Pentangeli. That’s my code name. They’ll escort you to Room 306 right away. That’s my lucky room! THEY HAVE FREE ICE!

Donna K., Boston: Joe, will the pressure mounting on the unbeaten Patriots cost them in the playoff?

Namath: The playoffs? The Patriots? With Jim Plunkett quarterbackeeng that team? Ho ho ho, Donna! I think not! Tell ya what, sweetheart. Why don’t you come on over and you and I can figure out a fun way of ignoring the Pats’ struggggggles. God, it’s so hot in here! (unbuttons top button on shirt). I’VE NEVER FELT SO TAN!

Beth R., Queens: WE LOVE YOU, JOE!

Namath: And I love you! You gave me goosebumps, Beth. Look at those goosebumps! I can’t keep ‘em down! (drinks jar of Barbicide)

Jane R., Indianapolis: Joe, don’t you think the Colts deserve a bit more credit for their recent play. They’ve dominated, my man!

Namath: It’s true, Jane! Those Colts are outstandeeng at playeeng both on offense and defense. I’m sorry, but did anyone tell you your name reminded them of Jane Fonda? I tell ya, that Hanoi Jane sure knew how to party! When that girl wasn’t sitteeng on tanks, she was sitteeng on other large objects! WHO WANTS A CIGAR?!

Betty H., KC: Joe, what about the Dolphins? They got killed yesterday! Will they ever win a game?

Namath: Will they ever win a game? Lemme tell you sometheeng, Betty Boop! That Don Shula is one heckuva leeeeeeeeader! He’s gonna win a lot of games for you down in Miamee. YOU CAN BET ON IT! Betty, my dear, you got a sexy way of typeeng. How about you join me out on the veranda? I’ve got a bottle of Prosecco on ice and notheeng but free time! My lounges have very thick cushions!

Judy B., Arlington: Joe! Help my Redskins! Should Gibbs stay or go?!

Namath: That’s a tough question, Judy. I’m gonna have to think about that one. (drinks bottle of kerosene) AH! Nectar of the Gods! Judy, lemme tell you about the time I bagged Judy Garland! It was one of her very last tours, and she was a lonely, lonely, woman! But when ol’ Joe took her in his arms, she knew she was in for a special night! Even today, I bet there are still some little Joes floateeng around in her Kansas Twister. WHO WANTS A SHRIMP COCKTAIL! I LOVE RETIREMENT MORE THAN I LOVE MY CHILDREN!

Jenny Q., Las Vegas: Joe, who do you like to come out of the NFC? Dallas is dominating, but the Packers and Seahawks look strong too!

Namath: Jenny, that NFCeeeee is one wild conference! Boy, I tell ya, it’s like the ol’ West out there! And I love how that Brett Favre plays the game. Say Jenny, you’re from Vegas, eh? You must know a lot about discretion. Lemme tell you what Joe Namath really likes. He likes watcheeng women “handle” themselves! I admit it! Kinda crazy! But sitting back with a bloody bull and watcheeng a beautiful girl play her pussy harp is one great way to spend a night? LET’S HIT THE FLAMINGO! I know one of the dealers there. Brown fellow. Always gives me a fair shake!

Jimmy D., Malibu: Hey Joe, I was wondering…

Namath: Next question.

Jenna S., Sarasota: Joe! How about some love for the Bucs!

Namath: Oooh! If you need love, Jenna, ol’ Joe’s here to give it to ya! Why don’t you and I have another drink together? Do you like gin? I LOVE GIN! Is that a karaoke machine? Let’s hit it!

I’ve had the time of my life…
No, I’ve never felt this way before…
Yes, I swear…
It’s the truth…
And I owe it all to you!!!!!

I FEEL GREAT! LET’S PLAY HEARTS! I WANNA KISS EVERYONE!