KID: Mister Brees! Can I have an autograph?

BREES: Of course you can, young man.

(takes off shirt, signs shirt, gives it to KID)

Saayyyy… those shoes of yours look awfully ragged. I bet you’d like some new ones!

KID: Would I!!!

BREES: Tell you what, I’d love to go with you to buy some new ones right now, but I’ve got stuff to take care of across town before the UNICEF benefit tonight. Here’s some money.

(hands KID $800)

Buy some for your brothers and sisters, too, okay?

(rubs KID’s head before KID runs off)

BREES: Adorable little scamp.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: DREWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

BREES: Who said that??

VOICE: DREW BREEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

BREES: Oh, no. It’s… it’s…

BREES: No. No, it can’t be! I got rid of you!

BIRTHMARK: YOU CAN NEVER BE RID OF ME. YOUR PUNY ELECTIVE SURGERY CAN’T REMOVE ME FROM YOUR VERY SOUL.

BREES: Listen, it wasn’t anything personal. I just… I just didn’t like the effect you had on me. I’m a better person now. I started a non-profit–

BIRTHMARK: EAT THESE MUSHROOMS.

BREES: No.

BIRTHMARK: EAT THEM.

BREES: I’m not going to do things for your amusement any more. New Orleans needs my help.

BIRTHMARK: GOING TO SAVE THE CITY WITH ANOTHER 18-INTERCEPTION SEASON? EAT THE FUCKING MUSHROOMS!

BREES: (eats mushrooms) Ohhhh… I don’t feel so good. My stomach…

BIRTHMARK: HERE, THIS SHOULD HELP.

BREES: (drinks entire bottle)

BIRTHMARK: NOW GET YOUR ASS DOWN TO BOURBON STREET!

[three hours later]

BREES: (walking through a sea of people) BEARS! Bears everywhere! I’m freaking out man! I’m freaking out! Oh Jesus don’t let them get me!

BIRTHMARK: TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF AND THIS WILL ALL GO AWAY, DREW.

BREES: (takes off pants) Ahhh…

BREES: Ahhhh!!!! A centaur!!!!

BIRTHMARK: THIS NIGHT RULES.

Name: Adam Gaines Gaines Adams

Height: Tall
Body Type: Longer than the SG’s diary
Speed: Good enough

Urine Sample: Shwaggy
Stool Sample: Soft and lacking bulk

Criticisms: Soft and lacking bulk

Mainstream Comparison: Jevon Kearse
KSK Comparison: Simeon Rice – the douchebaggery

Who’s Interested: The camera guy in the green room

Who Will Take Him: The Vikings. He’s the one piece that could make all the difference between a two-win season and a three-win season.

Honors: People have been riding his jock for quite some time. His CSTV bio tells us that Gaines was named “…first-team preseason All-American according to Playboy, Lindy’s, and Phil Steele.” Now this is just a guess but I’d say that’s a nudie magazine, a strip club, and an aging porn star. Not too shabby.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He admitted to smoking marijuana so now we get to hear all of their fucking analysts talk about weed more than yours truly. Fuck steroids, binge drinking, and unprotected sex with skanky co-eds–these Kottonmouth Kings are a bunch of midnight tokers! (multi-generational musical fun!)

Ambitions: Doin’ coke, drinkin’ beers. Drinkin’ beers, beers beers. Rollin’ fatties, smokin’ blunts. Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts.
Fav Hangout: In between a convenience store and a video store

Fav Food: Whatever’s special
Biggest Fear: Evil Bong

Immediate Impact: Automaic insertion into the league’s substance abuse program will not stop him from knocking the shit out of quarterbacks in his rookie year (Goodell: HGH isn’t a substance if I can’t see it!).

Down the Road:

Pray for him.

Today we’re thrilled to welcome back our exclusive Combine scout, the re-animated River Phoenix

This blogging thing is out of control man (seriously though, what the fuck did you guys do to Wil Wheaton? I told him Star Trek was a bad idea). I just told some guy what I was doing here and he told me that my old friend Flea was blogging for the NBA. Apparently everybody that was there when I died went mainstream. Bastards…

The only experience less thrilling than watching defensive backs running 40′s was playing a gay pseudo-Falstaff opposite Keanu Reeves. Why isn’t he dead yet?… The two safeties everybody clamored to see were Laron Landry and Reggie Nelson. Landry ran a 4.32 to Nelson’s 4.53 (Deion thinks the dreads were worth .1, and you people say he went clean). Nelson gained hasty revenge when he beat Landry unconscious with a pylon–good to see him get his swagger back… Former Terp Josh Wilson led his group with a 4.35. Rich Eisen just said, “that’s one fast turtle!” HAHAHAHA! Please put me back in the ground now…

These guys sure make funny noises when they run. I think Brandon Meriweather just ejaculated at the finish line–that’s gotta slow you down a step or two… Damien Hughes ran a 4.7-something 40 and his vertical test made him look like a white guy. A little bit of advice young man, whenever I had a bad audition I wasn’t afraid to suck the occasional cock. I saw that look in Vinny Cerrato’s freaky eyes…

Sabby Piscetelli reminds me of a young Marky Mark (now I know he’s dead, right?)… Aaron Ross was trained for the 40 by his world record holding girlfriend. He just ran a 4.45 before the testicles fell out of his shorts… If I had lived I’m convinced I could have become Governor of California by now… I fucked Helen Mirren on the set of Mosquito Coast. Just sayin’…

Thanks River! Check back later for a combine wrap-up from our esteemed scout..