In case you missed the end of the Pats-Ravens game yesterday, you neglected to catch one of the best Dreamboat tantrums ever. After being (*shudder*) hit by Haloti Ngata after throwing a pass, Brady started slapping the ground like a petulant child wanting his flag-flag. Afterward, Terrell Suggs, who got a penalty for breathing on Brady in a game last year, came over to talk shit, to which Brady responded by pulling the Katt Williams line, “If you don’t have anybody to hate on, hate on me. Acting like my hair ain’t luxurious when you KNOW it is!”

Thanks to Vince from FilmDrunk for the gif.

Special teams fiesta, you guys. Tirico told me so. I brought the brews. Are you gonna text the MerBros to see if they wanna come?

MerBros are in. They are ON. BOARD. But I think SkullFace is harshing their special teams fiesta. We need a festive hat guy. He’ll make it all right. Someone get on the horn.

Okay, good. All hands on Dreamboat deck. This is the special team fiesta to end them all. A shame Mark Sanchez couldn’t be there to enjoy this. Tom Brady is choked up that he was allowed to behold it all. He is crying tears that block punts and make kickoff returns. Anything goes in special teams fiesta.

Tom Brady exchanged pleasantries with Kobe Bryant prior to Game 3 of the NBA Finals. This, of course, is the greatest act of betrayal ever committed against the great city of Boston by a professional athlete. At least ever since Brady was pictured wearing a Yankees hat or Johnny Damon went to the Yankees or something else involving the Yankees. Doesn’t he realize the enemy of another local team he doesn’t play for should be greeted with outright hostility at all times? The folks at Barstool don’t know whether to be merely enraged or apoplectic.

Normally, we’d be inclined to mock Boston fans for the outrageous expectations they place upon the athletes who play for their teams. In this case, however, we will break from tradition and declare that we at KSK are understanding of their pain. Indeed, they have a right to be upset. After all, that is a really stupid haircut Brady has.

Ray Lewis: “Tom’s not really hurt. It’s all a big set up.” [Rest of the world makes dismissive wanking motion] “I don’t know where those bodies came from. Honest.” [CBS films 30th puff piece this year about his religion, makes sure to mention how he got Ray Rice a Bible for Christmas] “The refs are gonna screw us. It’s a conspiracy.”

Tom Brady: “Cool with me.”

Programming note: We’re liveblogging the two Sunday games. You’re on your own for Saturday. Sorry. You’ll somehow have to make do with playoff football without an Internet chat running concurrently. Or you can just leave comments in the open thread. Your call.

This week we’re highlighting the very obscure, totally non-showcase match-up between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. I doubt any NFL-related TV shows will explore this particular angle of the Colts-Patriots game on Sunday, so it’s good that we are.

Pey-Pey and Dreamboat have met in a lot of big games this decade, so they have a “rivalry” even though I doubt there is any actual animosity between the two of them. Brady has won most of the contests, but Peyton has had the advantage the last few years. They’re both really good and shoo-in Hall of Famers.

Peyton is a robot who gesticulates too much at the line of scrimmage and, according to Peter King, is possessed of anal traits. Early in his career, it was fun to mock him for being without a championship and gay for Kenny Chesney. But then he went and won a title while the Chesney jokes got old. Now he’s just a really good quarterback who appears in a lot of commercials. The worst I can say about him is that Colts fans, even though Peyton has won multiple MVP awards and is generally thought to be the face of the league, act as though he’s somehow ignored and underappreciated. Because they’re all Midwestern diptards with nothing else in their lives, but that’s not really Peyton’s fault, is it?

Tom Brady is a smug asshole, but then he leads an almost cartoonishly perfect life. Would you or I be unbearable were we lavished with such gifts? Probably. I’m already kind of a dick and I don’t have anything on Brady. As quietly as one can do something on the overexposed Patriots, Brady has “quietly” returned to his dominating pre-injury form in the last few weeks, regaining the timing with Randy Moss that was clearly missing in the Pats first few games. That doesn’t make him or his fans, many of whom wanted Brady traded last year then complained that he wasn’t traded when he struggled some out of the gate this year, any less obnoxious. He cheated on Bridget Moynahan, he wears Yankees hats in public while he plays for a Boston (er, sorry, “New England”) team, earlier this year he blew off the Matron Saint when she tried to get a post-game quote from him. He’s a dick. You can nail him and Pats fans for the Spygate and 18-1 stuff, but then the amount of irrational hate the Steelers have received in the last year has actually made me identify with the Massholes some. Did I actually write that? Oh well.

I think the first time Peyton and Brady ever met kind of captures their respective personalities perfectly.

Already a two-time Pro Bowler, Manning nevertheless introduced himself: “I’m Peyton Manning.”

“And I said, ‘No (expletive),’ ” Brady said yesterday, laughing. “We were both getting warmed up and he was probably on his 100th throw of the day, two hours before the game. It was a pretty quick meeting.”

Robot, meet dickhead.

In what may be the most hilarious serious question of the young season, a headline in today’s Chicago Tribune asked, Is Jay Cutler the second coming of Tom Brady? Please enjoy:

The surprising thing has been Cutler’s ability to make the delicate pass. No one told us a cannon could dispense velvet projectiles. He has been so precise at times you get the feeling he could throw a football through a moving mail slot.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present… THE VELVET CANNON.

What a revelation! A quarterback who embarrassed himself with four interceptions in the team’s opener has capably executed a conservative game plan in two consecutive games to barely register victories. HE IS PRACTICALLY THE SAME PERSON AS TOM BRADY — if only Tom Brady were an artillery piece that fired rounds covered in the fur of golden retriever puppies, that is.

MAN SPARED FROM MISERLY WRATH OF COUNT BRADY A guy who swiped Dreamboat’s priceless flower boxes and attempted to sell them for scrap metal (presumably because he thought he was in Fallout 3 for real) was reduced to panhandling when Brady tried to collect the $4,000 his vagina needs to feel fancy. But, lo, a mysterious benefactor came forward to cover his debts, freeing the poor soul from a life of servitude polishing Tom’s future child’s diamond jammies.

This week in “Proof that the Media Should Think Twice Before Sending Press Releases to Blogs,” a kindly Director of Communications at Time Inc. made sure that KSK was made aware that Tom Brady is on the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated (his 11th appearance on the cover! That’s more than Cheryl Tiegs!).

It’s the first extended interview Dreamboat’s given in almost a year, and SI turned to its biggest non-stroke-impaired NFL writer for the heavy lifting: Peter King.  (“That Brady’s so cool he keeps Kit Kats from melting on a summer day!”)  From the press release:

Exuding confidence in his surgically rebuilt left knee, Brady tells SI that his recovery is on schedule and that he is running and cutting without pain or restricted movement. King writes: “He was convincing when he said he was ‘as confident as anyone could be that I’ll be ready to play, back to playing normally, when the season starts. I’ve done everything I could to push myself, sometimes too hard. Right now, I’m doing everything. Literally everything. There’s nothing I can’t do.’ ”

Brady tells King that he has learned much about himself during his forced layoff and that he is so anxious to play again that he looks forward to the grind of two-a-days. “‘When I was playing every week, I bitched about the little things,’ he said. ‘Like, God, we’ve got to go outside today? It’s raining! Or, why is Bill dunking the ball in soap? Or, why do we have a meeting at 7:30 to talk about everything we’ve already talked about. Geez! Then when you’re not playing, you realize that you would [gladly] do any of that—whatever they wanted me to do.’ Brady drew an analogy based on his parenting experience with his 21-month-old Jack. ‘I don’t see him everyday”—Brady shares custody with former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan—‘and we play when I change his diaper: lifting his leg up, playing with his toes, biting his feet. There’s a different appreciation. If you had him every day, you’d go, Let’s just get this done. But when you get him, say, one week a month, you’re like, This is so cool!’ ”

“If I had to be a parent every day, it sure would get boring!”

In addition, Brady tells King that he’d like to play for 10 more seasons: “I want to play until I am 41. And if I get to that point and still feel good, I’ll keep playing. I mean, what the hell else am I going to do? I don’t like anything else. People say, ‘What will you do after football?’ Why would I even think of doing anything else? What would I do instead of run out in front of 80,000 people and command 52 guys and be around guys I consider brothers and be one of the real gladiators? Why would I ever want to do something else? It’s so hard to think of anything that would match what I do: Fly to the moon? Jump out of planes? Bungee-jump off cliffs? None of that s— matters to me. I want to play this game I love, be with my wife and son and enjoy life.”

Hmmph.  All in all, he sounds disgustingly well adjusted for a two-time Super Bowl MVP/baby-daddy of a Hollywood actress who instead got married to a supermodel.  And that’s probably the most infuriating thing about Brady: for all the “Best Dressed Man Alive” articles and goat-holding photoshoots, he never comes across as an ignoramus or a total asshole.

Which is why we should hate him even more.

After getting married earlier this year in California, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen are planning another wedding to be held early next month in Costa Rica. According to A.C. Slater, it will be a small, private affair– much like their first wedding.

If you’re feeling slighted because you didn’t make the guest list for either wedding, KSK has a some good news. Tom and Gisele are planning a series of nuptials this year… one of them is sure to be somewhere near you.

I’m not sure where they are registered, but candlesticks always make a nice gift.

May 2        Onondaga County War Memorial      Syracuse, New York

May 30      Six Flags Cedar Point     Sandusky, Ohio (in front of log flume)

June 13      Zaxby’s (Grand Opening)     Dothan, Alabama
(mention you’re there for the wedding and receive half off an order of boneless bbq wings with purchase of a 20oz soft drink)

June 30       Uproxx Media company picnic     Leesburg, Virginia
(bring a dish, sign-up sheet on Brian’s desk; and don’t sign up for chips or soda—that’s a dick move)

July 11       Rodeo Nite     Cody, Wyoming
(between barrel races and junior calf-roping– chronologically, not physically, but could you imagine if was? crazy, dude!!!)

July 24       Shrewsbury Renaissance Faire     Kings Valley, Oregon
(can’t wait to peep the bodice on Gissy!!!)

August 7      Sh boom, Sh-Boom’s     Shelby, North Carolina
(BEER BUST — 50 cent Bud Lights until some takes a leak– so for god’s sake, take a piss before you get there)

[ extra ]

Gisele Socks Brady Right in the Naivete. In the latest issue of Harper’s, no doubt tucked into an essay about Sudanese refugees using Twitter, Mrs. Dreamboat describes her hubby thusly: “He has a very pure heart. He’s very naive, almost like a child. That is my favorite quality about him. One thing that I thought was so amazing when I first met him is that he is innocent. He sees the world with colored glasses.” Because nobody understands the forces governing our world like Gisele. Damn, girl, if it was naivete you were looking for, that’s some game I can spit. WORLD PEACE IS ATTAINABLE IF EVERYONE JUST SAT DOWN FOR QDOBA TOGETHER! See?