In what may be the most hilarious serious question of the young season, a headline in today’s Chicago Tribune asked, Is Jay Cutler the second coming of Tom Brady? Please enjoy:

The surprising thing has been Cutler’s ability to make the delicate pass. No one told us a cannon could dispense velvet projectiles. He has been so precise at times you get the feeling he could throw a football through a moving mail slot.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present… THE VELVET CANNON.

What a revelation! A quarterback who embarrassed himself with four interceptions in the team’s opener has capably executed a conservative game plan in two consecutive games to barely register victories. HE IS PRACTICALLY THE SAME PERSON AS TOM BRADY — if only Tom Brady were an artillery piece that fired rounds covered in the fur of golden retriever puppies, that is.

MAN SPARED FROM MISERLY WRATH OF COUNT BRADY A guy who swiped Dreamboat’s priceless flower boxes and attempted to sell them for scrap metal (presumably because he thought he was in Fallout 3 for real) was reduced to panhandling when Brady tried to collect the $4,000 his vagina needs to feel fancy. But, lo, a mysterious benefactor came forward to cover his debts, freeing the poor soul from a life of servitude polishing Tom’s future child’s diamond jammies.

This week in “Proof that the Media Should Think Twice Before Sending Press Releases to Blogs,” a kindly Director of Communications at Time Inc. made sure that KSK was made aware that Tom Brady is on the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated (his 11th appearance on the cover! That’s more than Cheryl Tiegs!).

It’s the first extended interview Dreamboat’s given in almost a year, and SI turned to its biggest non-stroke-impaired NFL writer for the heavy lifting: Peter King.  (”That Brady’s so cool he keeps Kit Kats from melting on a summer day!”)  From the press release:

Exuding confidence in his surgically rebuilt left knee, Brady tells SI that his recovery is on schedule and that he is running and cutting without pain or restricted movement. King writes: “He was convincing when he said he was ‘as confident as anyone could be that I’ll be ready to play, back to playing normally, when the season starts. I’ve done everything I could to push myself, sometimes too hard. Right now, I’m doing everything. Literally everything. There’s nothing I can’t do.’ ”

Brady tells King that he has learned much about himself during his forced layoff and that he is so anxious to play again that he looks forward to the grind of two-a-days. “‘When I was playing every week, I bitched about the little things,’ he said. ‘Like, God, we’ve got to go outside today? It’s raining! Or, why is Bill dunking the ball in soap? Or, why do we have a meeting at 7:30 to talk about everything we’ve already talked about. Geez! Then when you’re not playing, you realize that you would [gladly] do any of that—whatever they wanted me to do.’ Brady drew an analogy based on his parenting experience with his 21-month-old Jack. ‘I don’t see him everyday”—Brady shares custody with former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan—‘and we play when I change his diaper: lifting his leg up, playing with his toes, biting his feet. There’s a different appreciation. If you had him every day, you’d go, Let’s just get this done. But when you get him, say, one week a month, you’re like, This is so cool!’ ”

“If I had to be a parent every day, it sure would get boring!”

In addition, Brady tells King that he’d like to play for 10 more seasons: “I want to play until I am 41. And if I get to that point and still feel good, I’ll keep playing. I mean, what the hell else am I going to do? I don’t like anything else. People say, ‘What will you do after football?’ Why would I even think of doing anything else? What would I do instead of run out in front of 80,000 people and command 52 guys and be around guys I consider brothers and be one of the real gladiators? Why would I ever want to do something else? It’s so hard to think of anything that would match what I do: Fly to the moon? Jump out of planes? Bungee-jump off cliffs? None of that s— matters to me. I want to play this game I love, be with my wife and son and enjoy life.”

Hmmph.  All in all, he sounds disgustingly well adjusted for a two-time Super Bowl MVP/baby-daddy of a Hollywood actress who instead got married to a supermodel.  And that’s probably the most infuriating thing about Brady: for all the “Best Dressed Man Alive” articles and goat-holding photoshoots, he never comes across as an ignoramus or a total asshole.

Which is why we should hate him even more.

After getting married earlier this year in California, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen are planning another wedding to be held early next month in Costa Rica. According to A.C. Slater, it will be a small, private affair– much like their first wedding.

If you’re feeling slighted because you didn’t make the guest list for either wedding, KSK has a some good news. Tom and Gisele are planning a series of nuptials this year… one of them is sure to be somewhere near you.

I’m not sure where they are registered, but candlesticks always make a nice gift.

May 2        Onondaga County War Memorial      Syracuse, New York

May 30      Six Flags Cedar Point     Sandusky, Ohio (in front of log flume)

June 13      Zaxby’s (Grand Opening)     Dothan, Alabama
(mention you’re there for the wedding and receive half off an order of boneless bbq wings with purchase of a 20oz soft drink)

June 30       Uproxx Media company picnic     Leesburg, Virginia
(bring a dish, sign-up sheet on Brian’s desk; and don’t sign up for chips or soda—that’s a dick move)

July 11       Rodeo Nite     Cody, Wyoming
(between barrel races and junior calf-roping– chronologically, not physically, but could you imagine if was? crazy, dude!!!)

July 24       Shrewsbury Renaissance Faire     Kings Valley, Oregon
(can’t wait to peep the bodice on Gissy!!!)

August 7      Sh boom, Sh-Boom’s     Shelby, North Carolina
(BEER BUST — 50 cent Bud Lights until some takes a leak– so for god’s sake, take a piss before you get there)

[ extra ]

Gisele Socks Brady Right in the Naivete. In the latest issue of Harper’s, no doubt tucked into an essay about Sudanese refugees using Twitter, Mrs. Dreamboat describes her hubby thusly: “He has a very pure heart. He’s very naive, almost like a child. That is my favorite quality about him. One thing that I thought was so amazing when I first met him is that he is innocent. He sees the world with colored glasses.” Because nobody understands the forces governing our world like Gisele. Damn, girl, if it was naivete you were looking for, that’s some game I can spit. WORLD PEACE IS ATTAINABLE IF EVERYONE JUST SAT DOWN FOR QDOBA TOGETHER! See?

What would life be like if you had Tom Brady’s chin, but Tarvaris Jackson’s arm?

Yeah this is a tad creepy, but I checked out the faux Brady’s website to confirm it’s just a sketch. Turns out he’s a comedian named Theo Von. According to his bio, Von– who has attended more colleges than Sarah Palin and Willie Williams combined– is a veteran of NBC’s “Last Comic Standing” and MTV’s “Road Rules”. With a resume like that, this video would have to be considered his Citizen Kane.

There could be worse fates than bearing a slight resemblance to a dude for whom women (and Alex Rodriguez) want to drop their panties. For instance, I’ve been told at various points that I look like Ari Fleischer and Jared from Subway. Let that mental picture sink in, ladies. SEXAY!!!!

Thanks to KSK reader Richie H. for the tip.

Holy shit! Has KSK really gone more than 48 hours without a Brett Favre video? Allow me to remedy this situation posthaste. Here we have a cartoon depicting the return of John Madden’s one true love.

Robert Stack as Roger Goodell was an inspired choice. Seeing “the Stack”, as me and my brother used to call him, makes me nostalgic for Unsolved Mysteries, Airplane and the Beer Baron episode of The Simpsons.

We will have even more Brett Favre videos later this week which is sure to provide a welcome break from the continuous coverage of all things Brett Favre on ESPN. In fact, Friday we will Favre the Favring Favre to the Favre Favrer.

Holy Taco.com has been on my radar for a few weeks now and consistently delivers teh funnay. But today they had to go and ratchet up the hilariousity. I believe the following meets or exceeds minimum federal requirements for a “laff-riot.”

(more…)

These guys definitely didn’t skimp on the effects budget; the transition from the real Brady to the faux one is seamless. You probably won’t notice, except upon several studied viewings.

If Brady ever needs a double to distract the media while he sneaks over to Gisele’s crib, this doppelgänger should get the first call. See for yourself:

As you know, Tom Brady has baffled reporters in recent days by sporting a protective boot on his foot and being conspicuously absent from the Pats’ initial Super Bowl practice sessions. After much research, we at KSK have discovered not only the nature of Brady’s injury, but where he was while his team practiced without him. He was, in fact, in Seattle, at Seattle Grace hospital. Here now is a transcript of what happened, as told to us by a surgical resident at the hospital.

Annoying Meredith Grey Voiceover: Cutting. As a surgeon, it is our job to cut. Sometimes we cut deeply. Sometimes we cut just a little bit. But we are always cutting. And when we cut, we leave a scar. And when we leave a scar, we know just how deeply we have cut those we come into contact with. And those cuts can add up to one big cut over time. And we cannot uncut what we have cut. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

(Meredith wakes up in bed)

Meredith: My God. I drank far too much Chardonnay last night. I had a dream that I was falling. What does that mean? How does that impact my life? Derek, how am I going to get through this?

(turns over in bed to find Tom Brady in bed with her)

Meredith: OH MY GOD! You’re not Derek!

McDreamboat: What happened? A doctor was fixing my leg up, then you came in to bring me ice chips, and then some other doctor came in with wine. Then another one came in and started dancing around. Do you people even do any fucking work at all?

Meredith: Oh, my God. I… I can’t be here right now. What does this all mean for me? For us? My god…

(enter Izzy with a cake)

Izzy: Who likes cake in the morning… HOLY SHIT! You banged a patient! You banged a patient! (bursts into tears) I can’t believe you would do that to me! You knew this would remind me of Denny!

Meredith: But he’s not Denny…

Izzy: Don’t you bring up Denny to me! Okay? You have no right! He was so amazing. (laughs while crying) We were going to open up a free clinic in Africa together. We weren’t going to make any money. In fact, we had no sustainable plan for it at all. BUT I CARE ABOUT MY PATIENTS, DAMMIT!

Meredith: Please, Izzy, don’t tell anyone. Not even George. Oh God, what will this all mean for me?

(cut to Izzy at the hospital. Derek approaches)

McDreamy: Hey, you seen Meridith?

Izzy: Oh my God, you know? (bursts into tears) I thought she never would have told you!

McDreamy: Told me what?

Izzy: What? Oh, you didn’t… OH GOD! (bursts into tears) OH GOD, IZZY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT? WHY DO I ALWAYS HURT THE ONES I LOVE?

(wanders out into rain while a KT Tunstall song plays for five minutes)

McDreamy: That was odd.

(enter Dr. Bailey)

McDreamy: Dr. Bailey, have you seen Dr. Grey?

Bailey: No, I have NOT. Okay? I do not have TIME to go hunting for interns. I do not have TIME to be concerned with your love life. I do not have TIME to take my focus away from my patients. I do not even have TIME to tie my shoes, Dr. Shepard. I WISH that I had that kinda TIME. I WISH I had TIME to look for MY loved ones. I WISH that I had TIME to have coffee in the courtyard. But I do not HAVE that kind of TIME. Do you understand, Dr. Shepard? Have you taken the TIME to understand that?

McDreamy: My God, you’re a human dynamo.

Bailey: Yes I am.

(runs off)

(Derek finds George)

McDreamy: Dr. O’Malley, have you seen Dr. Grey?

George: Who, Meredith? Uh, no. I… uh… gee… well… not really sure… I guess… Kinda awkward here… You’re so handsome and perfect and you do everything right… and uh…. I’m such a douche… so… uh… I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, GOD DAMMIT!… uh… Listen, is it normal to lose your erection inside a woman?… Is it?… Because I do that with Izzy. Like ALL the time. She just starts talking about the environment while we’re doing… you know… and I just can’t keep…

McDreamy: You know what? Just stop talking. I’ll find her on my own. Okay?

(Derek finds McSteamy)

McDreamy: Mark, have you seen Meredith?

McSteamy: Can’t find your girl again? That’s too bad. Listen, why don’t you let me run a train on that little number? You and I know I’m the only guy at this fucking hospital with a set of balls on me. You can’t like that Olive Oyl bitch THAT much. She’s not even hot. Your ex-wife? Now THAT was a piece of ass.

(Enter Brady)

McDreamboat: Excuse me, has anyone see Dr. Grey?

McDreamy: Excuse me?

McDreamboat: I need to find Dr. Grey.

McSteamy: Why do you need to find HER?

McDreamboat: Well, it’s a bit embarrassing, but I think I might have left my wallet at her place. I need to find it or else I’ll miss practice.

McDreamy: Really?

(Meredith enters from down the hall. She sees all three men together.)

Meredith: Oh, my God. McDreamy, McSteamy, and McDreamboat all together! They’re a McTeamy! AHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT’S IT ALL MEAN FOR ME?!!!!

(Derek approaches)

McDreamy: Meredith, what’s going on?

Meredith: I… I…

(Just then, 500 plane crash victims are wheeled in to the main entrance)

EMT: WE GOT 500 PLANE CRASH VICTIMS HERE!!! WE NEED TO TRIAGE AND INTUBATE THESE PEOPLE!!!

Meredith: Oh my God. They’re so hurt and mangled! What’s it all mean for me? Why am I such a cunt to my sister?!

EMT: WILL YOU FUCKING MOVE, BITCH?

Meredith: Oh my God, I’m so rattled. So very rattled. DEREK!

McDreamy: Calm down, Meredith. Just calm down. Take a deep breath. Just calm down. And take a deep breath. Stay calm? Are you calm? Let’s all be calm. Let’s be calm now. Look at me. Be calm. Now look at your shoes. Are you calm?

Meredith: Yes, but WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN FOR ME? AND FOR US?

McDreamy: I can’t keep doing this, Meredith. I can’t keep doing this. You keep running away from me. And I keep running to you. But then you keep running some more. And then I keep running to catch up. There’s a lot of running. And I get so tired. So very tired from all the running. I don’t want to run. I want to walk. And stroll. And mosey with you. But I can’t walk with you unless you stop running and decide to shift down to a slower type of gait.

Meredith: I don’t know what I want, Derek. I don’t know what I want, but all I know is that I want someone who is happy with the fact that I don’t know what I want. Because I never know what I want, because I’m an annoying fucking shrew.

(enter Christina)

Christina: OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE SOME OF THESE BURN VICTIMS? They have jet fuel burns. JET FUEL BURNS! You know how long I’ve been waiting to get my hands of a heart that’s been charred by jet fuel? I’ve read all about that shit. What are you fuckers sitting around for? This is MY FUCKING CHANCE TO GET AHEAD AND YOU’RE IN MY GODDAMN WAY. YOU PEOPLE AREN’T HARDCORE!!!

McDreamy: Why are you friends with that cunt?

Meredith: I don’t know. We like to dance. Oh Derek, what does all this MEAN for me?

McDreamboat: Uh, can I get my wallet?

(cut to Seattle skyline at night as Snow Patrol song plays)

Annoying Meredith Grey Voiceover: Cutting. They sometimes say that the first cut is the deepest. But what they don’t say is that the second cut can be just as deep. And, in the end, WHO we cut is just as important as what we cut. If only we could cut out all this cutting.

(cut to black)