For those of you who may be wondering, we didn’t request your sex/fantasy football questions yesterday because we now get enough emails to power the mailbag without having to remind anyone. Oh my God! The mailbag — it’s self-sustaining!

Before we dive in, I’d like to offer up some fantasy talking points that stick out to me this week.

Trades: I’ve said in the past that we really don’t get a feeling for how the season is going to shape up until Week 4. Prior to that the sample size is just too small to figure out what’s a fluke and what’s a trend. So, unless you’ve lost a key starter for six weeks or more, I think it’s wise to hold off on making a trade until after this week’s games.

T.J. Houshmandzadeh: I was high on Housh before the season, believing that he’d bring his trend of 100-catch seasons to Seattle. While I still believe his numbers will improve in the coming weeks, it’s obvious that both Seneca Wallace and Matt Hasselbeck prefer targeting Nate Burleson. I apologize to anyone who listened to me. If it’s any consolation, I also suggested you draft Matt Schaub.

The Jets: The Jets’ defense will F your fantasy team right in the A. In the first three weeks, they completely shut down Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson, and Tom Brady, then held Chris Johnson under 100 yards rushing and without a touchdown. I’d never be so crazy to suggest benching Drew Brees this Sunday, but in the coming weeks be prepared for your players to struggle when they face Rex Ryan’s pussy-tubin’ crew.

Now then. On to your questions!

KSK,
i love my lady and she loves me. our sex is very good but not adventurous. neither of our sexual histories contain much pizazz. she has a birthday coming up and i’d like to add a little spice to our routine. Whats a good present for her? i want something thats a small addition to the bedroom, nothing that may indicate that i am freaky-deaky…just a dude wanting to make sure his lady is satisfied. Is it something as simple as a new posish?

That’s cool with me, it’s not my favorite but I’ll do it for you.

Some erotic literature, perhaps?

Erotic literature? No, not unless you two are lovers visiting from the 19th century, in which case erotic literature is exactly the thing you need to moisten her petticoats.

Seriously, I don’t know how vanilla your sex life is, so I’m kind of at a loss. For example, how much does the below Simpsons quote resonate with you?

Apu: Oh, Homer, we have tried everything. Gravity boots, Sanjay’s bed, every possible position.
Homer: Really? On top AND underneath?

Perhaps the gift of lingerie would be a nice way to add some spice without getting too crazy. If she’s not a big lingerie enthusiast or if she has body issues, go with a simple combination that includes a baby doll top: lacy, accentuates cleavage, hides the stomach. It’s the kind of gift that makes her feel sexier while turning you on more. Win-win.

Next year: French tickler, ball gag.

I have a friend who is a ‘Skins fan. Granted I feel bad for him because… well, the ‘Skins suck. How do I sympathize with him and, at the same time, tell him to shut the fuck up already because his incessant bitching has gone on none stop for the last decade?
Love,
me

Only the last decade? Fuck him, and fuck the rest of the ‘Skins fan base, too.

KSK,
Football: Standard 2 RB + flex (not PPR). I’m going with Brandon Jacobs @ KC but I’m uncertain about the other two spots. Ryan Grant @ MIN, McFadden @ HOU, Sproles @ PIT. I also have The Housh @ IND as a possibility for the flex. I’m leaning towards Grant and Sproles but Houston’s defense appears to have more gaping holes than Madonna.

Hooooo boy, you got a dilly of a pickle there. My first inclination was to say Grant and Sproles as well. Then I looked at the numbers for the starting running backs that Houston has faced so far:

Thomas Jones: 20 rushes for 107 yards, 2 TDs
Chris Johnson: 16 rushes for 197 yards, 9 catches for 87 yards, 3 TDs
Maurice Jones-Drew: 23 rushes for 119 yards, 4 catches for 28 yards, 3 TDs

The Steelers, while allowing Cedric Benson to have a decent week (76 yards and a TD on 16 carries), previously bottled up Chris Johnson and Matt Forte — even limiting their catches out of the backfield, which may not bode well for Sproles. Meanwhile, in Ryan Grant’s last three outings against the Vikings, he’s averaged 95 yards per game on 18 carries, with TDs in two of those games.

So assuming Ryan Grant is a go, does this mean start McFadden over Sproles? Maybe, maybe not: none of those stats change the fact that the Chargers are a good team with a good quarterback and the Raiders are a terrible team with a terrible quarterback. The more conservative fantasy football manager would probably go with Grant and Sproles; a gambling man wouldn’t want to miss out on the possibility of McFadden having a big day. Given that you have Grant and Jacobs holding it down at your #1 and #2 spots, I’d say live a little.

Sex: At what age do you think women become inherently against sex in a car? Apparently I’ve decided to try to relive my youth but I’m meeting resistance from the girl I’ve been seeing. And frankly, part of me thinks that she should be cool with it if she likes me (dating over a year), especially since we’re not talking a small confined space inside my car (Honda Element) and I make so much effort for privacy that it almost loses all of the excitement. Also, we’re only in our mid/late 20s which I feel means we should still be doing stupid shit like this.
Thanks,
wtf?

I don’t think it’s there’s a magical age where women stop wanting sex in cars — your mom seems to like it just fine. It’s more likely that in high school, the presence of parents necessitated sex in cars (depending on where/if you went to college, this may also be true of roommates). As women get into their mid-20s, they usually acquire things known as “their own apartment,” which likely includes a private “bedroom” with a soft, elevated surface known as a “bed.” These “beds” tend to be more spacious, comfortable, and private than any car you will ever own, no matter where you park it.

While she shouldn’t ignore your desires, and though I agree that it’s good to mix up your forni-location to add some spice to your sex life, perhaps you should intellectualize this a little bit. Maybe your mid/late 20s is EXACTLY the age you should STOP doing stupid shit like that.

Hello (insert unwitty joke) Gentlemen,
Football first: I had a great running back core to my team (Lynch, Gore, Portis, Hightower, Ricky Williams, F. Jackson). Then Frank Gore goes and gets hurt and Clinton Portis can’t run thanks to an inept passing game. I had it set up nicely with Marshawn Lynch coming off suspension this week. Now, I’m stuck. Gore is out, Portis may be as well. Tim Hightower is on bye, Williams is hit and miss, plus I have issues starting players who are playing against my Bills. It throws my Chi off or some shit. So, what are you feelings on starting both backs in a two back system, i.e. Jackson and Lynch? We start 2 RBs and 1 Flex.

Fuck your Bills. Start players against them.

That said, you pose an intriguing question: given a shitshow of useless RBs on your roster, could you start two running backs on the same team? The answer is yes, as long as those running backs are Chris Johnson and LenDale White, the year is 2008, and the Titans are playing the Lions on Thanksgiving.

The benefit of starting both Fred Jackson and Marshawn is that you’ll get the team’s entire running production. The bad news is that that team is the Buffalo Bills. Anyway, Dick Jauron has been hinting that because it’s Marshawn’s first week back and Jackson has done so well, Jackson will get the bulk of the carries. At the very least, start Jackson.

Sex: Uh, I’m about to get married. The sex is good, I love the girl. I really don’t have a question or problem here. Soooo, how about help with Fantasy so I can be in a good mood when I win and have lovely victory sex?
thanks guys.
-I hate the Dolphins.

Well la dee dah. Have fun losing on Sunday with your shitty running backs.

Dear Cunt Captains,
Football- A friend in a league I’m in is panicking about the depth of his WR core. He is willing to part ways with Ryan Grant for some below average to crappy WR’s. While I have a few crappy players I can throw into the trade to make it look better then is (i.e. Larry Johnson and/or Lee Evans) Is it worth parting ways with either Santonio Holmes or Brent Celek (whose had a damn good first few games) or both of them to take a chance on Grant?

Celek has been scoring — and will likely continue to score — at a rate so high above replacement-level that I wouldn’t consider trading him. Personally, I wouldn’t mind parting with Santonio to get Ryan Grant, but that opinion may be shaded by the fact that I never want to have Steelers on my fantasy team.

Sex- I’ve been dating this woman for a few weeks before which I hadn’t been laid in quite a long time, mostly cause I suck at life. She just recently got back into dating after a few months due to a recent break up which went bad. She broke it off cause the guy was moving out of country. He then called/texted/left notes on her car windshield and even left her a ring before he left. The dickhead is still bothering her today, (mostly through texting, instant messaging etc.). As expected, I believe this is affecting her ability to trust me so the whole relationship is going slow. Without being an asshole, in addition to raining holy hellfire down on her pussy ass piece of shit ex-boyfriend, how should I move things along in order to make her feel comfortable but also not be an ass?
-Thanks,
DA

This is a shitty question, because there are a lot of ways this could go depending on whatever feelings she has for the last guy or has developed for you.

My take: there is absolutely nothing you can do except lay it all on the line with her. I’d recommend explaining your feelings for her and your perception of how her previous relationship is inhibiting her present one, and then be prepared for the consequences: she either needs time to get her head right and work shit out, or you accept the fact that you at least get to enjoy her carnally while that asshole is thousands of miles away.

Of course, my opinion doesn’t rule out the possibility that she just needs someone to help her forget the last guy, and maybe you two can form a connection by making the ex the butt of your jokes, etc. But I wouldn’t bet on it. People who get out relationships and have crazy exes need time before they get into something serious again. I seriously doubt this is worth the drama.

Dear Gang of Sex,
Sex: My girlfriend was in a car crash (other driver was from Pennsylvania, natch) and got a huge Vicodin prescription. We tried fucking on Vicodin and while she says it prevents her from climaxing, it’s really good for me.

Her being on Vicodin is good for you?

So now I take my girlfriend’s Vicodin before we have sex.

Oh, okay. That makes more sense.

Do you think if I do this too much it’ll hurt my chances to peak once her prescription runs out?

I don’t see a problem, as long as you mix the Vicodin sex with regular sex. Make sure that it’s a special treat, not something you’re using every time.

Football: I have Percy Harvin and I want to sell high, especially since I’m set at WR but my RBs are Jacobs, McFadden, D. Brown and Stewart (we start 2). It’s a PPR league that otherwise has default scoring. What RB’s should I aim for in exchange for Harvin?
Best,
Bobby

The best ones you can get your hands on. The limiting factor here is demand; you’re only going to be able to move Harvin to a team that needs a wideout. So take a look at the rosters in your league and choose your target.

There was a commercial during Sons of Anarchy last night where this guy’s banging his wife and can’t stop thinking about his fantasy team… happens to me all the time(except I’m single.) I was already going to write in about that before I saw the ad, except there’s really no question there, it’s just pretty funny to be balls deep in some girl, worried about DeSean Jackson’s groin (did you see the split that asshole did? Questionable my ass. Whatevs I woulda lost anyway.) I guess I’d be interested to know if/where ladies minds wander during sex, shoes probably.

I’m just including this question because my day job compels me to say that, yes, “The League” looks fucking awesome. It premieres October 29th — four weeks hence — after “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on FX.

Oh, and I don’t know what girls think about when they have sex with you. Me, probably.

Who should I start at D/ST while the Eagles are licking their wounds this week? I’m leaning towards the Niners hosting the Rams, but Cinci at Cleveland is available too.
-ZJF

Get Cincy, and get them now. Don’t be fooled by the Bengals’ shittiness: that’s a defensive unit that can play (lest you forget the pick-six that helped them get past the Steelers last week). Besides, Boller didn’t look all that bad last week after he came into the game.

Sultans of Twat,
Football first: should I trade Smirretime for Pierre Thomas in a non-PPR league? My WRs also include Housh (@Indy), Boldin (bye), Driver (@Min), and Something called a Mike Sims-Walker (@Ten). My RBs are DeAngelo (bye this week), Gore (out 3 weeks), McFadden (@Hou), Donald Brown (vs Sea), and Choice (@Denver). Do I need to make this trade, or can I ride out the bye/injury storm without giving up one of my strongest WRs?

There’s some discord here among the KSK ranks. Flubby thinks you’re fine standing pat; Drew thinks you should make the trade for Thomas if it’s straight up; flubby thinks that Thomas is going to get relegated back to second string when Mike Bell gets back; Drew says not with the way Thomas played last week.

The reality is that you know Hines will continue to start and play and produce, while Pierre may get his carries cut as Bell comes back. Here’s the deal: McFadden and Choice are strong plays this week, Driver and Ward are great starting WRs, and you can put Housh or Brown (or even Sims-Walker) in for an acceptable flex. That gets you through DeAngelo’s bye week and buys you some time to figure out more options.

Sex: I loves me my girlfriend, but I can’t for the life of me get her to tend her pubic-garden on a regular basis. I’ve tried coming clean to her and explaining that it hinders my desire to go down on her–to which she responds that she will take care of it–but there is rarely any follow-through. I’m not asking that she keeps herself to a constant routine of brazilian waxes (nice though it would be), but I think it’s fair, since I keep meself all tidy-like for her.
Thanks. Or go fuck yourselves if you don’t help,
-At a loss for Wards

I myself hope to see a vagina up close one day, and I can only pray that the lucky woman in question has enough decency and human compassion to tend to her bush, not like the inhuman monster you’re unfortunate enough to date.  Regarding your question, flubby says:

Why not offer to assist her with the grooming after a hot shower?  Foreplay and some hedge trimming in one fell swoop.

Hello (Too-Wordy, Not Nearly Clever Enough Description of You Guys),
Football: I’m in a 12 team league with two RB positions and no flex. My starting RBs (Gore and Kevin Smith) are both hurt (though Smith is going to play against the Bears). I picked up Glen Coffee as protection, but between Smith (against the Bears), Coffee (vs. the Rams) and Donald Brown (Seattle), which is the best starting pair?

The Rams are fucking terrible, and Coffee’s going to get 20 or more touches. Definitely start him. And I’d give Smith a slight edge over Brown — the Bears are a tougher defense, but Smith is likely to get more touches.

Side question: How the fuck did DeSean Jackson become the top-scoring fantasy WR?

Yards and touchdowns, mostly.

Sex: My fiance can’t take birth control, so our sex life still revolves around condoms (plus some serious on-the-rag action). I don’t necessarily mind the condom, but is there a better alternative than getting a vasectomy? Ever experiment with fucking terrible ideas like the rhythm method?
-Anonymous

All right, first things first, as I give you the necessary RESPONSIBLE answer: condoms and/or birth control are the best ways to prevent pregnancy (I pretend abstinence doesn’t exist), and — though the chances are slim — your girlfriend actually CAN get pregnant while having her period.

And now for the much-more-fun OTHER OPTIONS: Your lady can always do it old-school and get a diaphragm, you can get spermicidal lubricant at just about any pharmacy, and I recommend you pull out and ejaculate wherever you feel like — her stomach, her breasts, her mouth, those silk throw pillows you never liked. Hey, she should thank you for being thoughtful enough to consider your family planning concerns.

Football – Should I start Philip Rivers against the Pittsburgh defense, or Jay Cutler against the Lions? My league starts one QB, with standard Yahoo scoring.

That’s a tough one, but standard Yahoo scoring projects Cutler to get 17 points, Rivers to get 12. Ordinarily Yahoo projections make me want to strangle Andy Behrens, but five points is a pretty big gap. Not to mention you KNOW the Steelers have a solid D, you KNOW the Lions are bad, plus Cutler’s at home while Rivers is away. So I guess… start Cutler. (Famous last words, those.)

Sex – I’m a fat, virgin, high school senior, and i’m just fine with that. Should i get off my ass and try to shave some inches, or just stick to wanking it in my socks? i leave my future to you.

Well, you should get off your ass and lose some inches, but not to get laid. You should do it because you want to walk up stairs without getting winded, because you don’t want to develop diabetes, because you like being able to see your toes, because the older you get the harder it is to get physically fit. Basically, you should want to lose some weight because you’ll feel better and live longer (and probably have more sex, too).

Which isn’t to say that looking more attractive to the opposite sex can’t be a motivating factor for taking care of yourself — you just need to keep in mind that losing weight won’t automatically get you laid. There’s still the whole aspect of talking to girls and impressing them enough to the point where they want to get naked with you. I mean, I’m reasonably thin and perfectly comfortable speaking to the opposite sec, and I still don’t get laid very often.

…perhaps it has something to do with staying in at night and writing a column about fantasy football. Call me, ladies!