(whistle blows)

What? What’s that? The game is over? What do you mean? We tie? There are ties in the NFL? WHAT THE FUCK?

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

No one told me! I demand such an arcane, obscure rule be written on a very large sign and posted on the door of every NFL locker room. Otherwise, how would anyone ever know? The game just ends? How can that be? THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME!

Well, I’d certainly hate to find out what the NFL would do if such a scenario were to play out in a playoff game or the Super Bowl. What does the NFL do then? Cancel the rest of the postseason? Declare the season a stalemate?! WE ALL GO HOME?! THAT’S BULLSHIT! I am outraged at my envisioned scenario, Commissioner Goodell! Also, I never saw St. Louis and Carolina play a double overtime sudden death playoff game a few years ago.

I think the people on the NFL Competition Committee have a lot of explaining to do to me and my teammates. Not only did they fail to let us know that the game could end in a tie, but they also conveniently “forgot” to let me know about other apparent NFL rules. For example, did you know the clock doesn’t stop if you get a first down? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?! Dude, there are only two minutes left in the game. I NEED TIME TO GATHER MY THOUGHTS! THE GAME GOES WAY TOO FUCKING FAST OTHERWISE!

Did you know that was a rule? Isn’t that just fucking CRAZY?

Also, I have now been informed that incompletions are NOT worth five yards. WHAT THE FUCK?! Here I am, badly underthrowing receivers all game long so that we can methodically drive the ball down the field, while the goddamn ref has the gall to come up and tell me that, after each completion, the ball is returned to the original line of scrimmage and no five-yard gain is awarded. DID YOU KNOW THAT?! Jesus. All those incompletions FOR NOTHING!

And since when aren’t touchbacks worth four points?! I bust my ass all game long to get our punter in good enough position to get us a precious, precious touchback. But suddenly booming one into the endzone isn’t worth four? WE SHOULD HAVE WON THAT GAME BY AT LEAST 70 POINTS YESTERDAY!

It’s like I don’t even know this league anymore. I can’t even recognize the game I once loved. The game I played as a child. The game where I get an extra 20 points tacked onto my QB rating if I tell Andy Reid how much I respect him. Call me a purist, but that’s the way I think the game should be played.

And now you’re telling me I have to play some kind of bizarre, no touchback-awarding, no incompletion-awarding tieapalooza?

That’s fucked up.

I’m sorry. I’m just disgusted right now. I’m going to leave now. I’m going to drive home on the left side of the road, gun it at every red light, drink beer out of my asshole, blow my nose into my shoe, and piss into my neighbor’s Brita filter. Like any rational person who knows the rules of society would.

Donovan McNabb: Well, I’ve never been a part of a tie. I, uh, never even knew that was in the rulebook. Um, but again, uh, it’s part of the rules and we have to go along with it, so…

Media: Wait a second, so you had no idea that the game was going to end after that Hail Mary  attempt?

Donovan: No, I just figured we’d get another opportunity to get back out there and try to win the game. But you know, the one overtime is part of the rules, so we just have to go with it. 

Media: So you mean to tell us the Eagles don’t review the NFL’s rulebook?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of any sort of book club before. I really don’t even like books. Books? Am I pronouncing that correctly? But we figure everyone else knows the rules and, uh, we can go along with that. 

Media: Donovan, it’s Kelly. Do you remember me? We met at a charity function last week. You followed me back to my place and we made beautiful love on my living room floor. But then I woke up the next morning and you were gone. What gives?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of a one-night stand. I, uh, never knew the true extent of my own shame. But, uh, you can leave your contact information on the table here for me to ignore. It’s just part of athletes enjoying casual sex and you just have to go with it, so…

Media: Donovan, will you be joining President-elect Obama’s cabinet as Secretary of State?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of shaping foreign policy before. I, uh, never even knew that was in the Constitution, really. But uh, it’s part of the political landscape today and we just have to go with it. 

PR Lackey: We have time for one more question. 

Media: Donovan, does having a tie feel like kissing your sister, as they say?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of an incestual relationship before. I, uh, never even knew that was socially taboo, really. But uh, it’s part of the social mores of society today and we just have to go with it.

PR Lackey: Thank you, Donovan.