Hey, you! Tired of BORING, OLD SCHOOL NFL football? Sick of pointless and arbitrary roolz like touchdowns being worth only six points, and teams not getting their full complement of 37 timeouts per half? THEN GET READY TO JOIN THE MCNABB RULES REVOLUTION! With Eagles quarterback and former “Biggest Loser” champion Donovan McNabb! His new McNabb Rules Football spinoff game is the hottest new sports innovation since Slamball!

Donovan: I wanted to design a new school football game that would appeal to fans in today’s fast-paced world. I wanted a game that kept the spirit of original football, but one that was FAIRER. That’s why I developed these news rules for my McNabb Rules Football League, and I think you’ll agree that they represent a vast improvement over your traditional NFL product.

AND THEY ARE! CHECK OUT THESE JAMMIN’ NEW ROOLZ THAT MAKE OLD FOGY NFL FOOTBALL LOOK STUPID AND GAY!

OLD RULE: Bounces passes: ILLEGAL

MCNABB RULE: Bounces passes: LEGAL. Quarterback credited with assist.

Donovan Says: “In basketball, the point guard is applauded when he executes a crisp, fundamentally sound bounce pass. I don’t know why we can’t have the same rule in football. It seems like it would really work.”

OLD RULE: Only two challenges per game

MCNABB RULE: Unlimited challenges!

Donovan Says: “Coach Reid said he would challenge every play if he could. Even if it’s obvious on replay that the call was not in your favor, it’s still worth challenging the play on the off chance the officials decide to overturn it. You never know what they’ll see. Matt Millen agrees with me on this.”

OLD RULE: Ties!

MCNABB RULE: No ties! Overtime winner chosen based on dignity!

Donovan Says: “If you played a game to a virtual standstill, I think that the winner should be chosen by a blue ribbon panel of some of our greatest thinkers. I think showing dignity in the face of adversity, and withering and totally unjustified fan criticism, should be worth something. I try and keep an air of dignity and nobility out there on the field. I’m hoping one day it will land me a supporting role in a Clint Eastwood film of some sort.”

OLD RULE: Field goals worth three points

MCNABB RULE: TBD!

Donovan Says: “To be frank, I didn’t realize that field goals were worth that much. I thought you got an extra fifth down on the next series if you made one, which makes FAR more sense. Truth to tell, I’m not quite sure how to go about rectifying this one. I think Andy and I will have to get together and discuss this in further detail, preferably during the last four minutes of a game.”

OLD RULE: No rainbows on the field!

MCNABB RULE: DOUBLE RAINBOWS!

Donovan Says: “I just think people wouldn’t get as worked up over the game if they saw a nice double rainbow out there.”

OLD RULE: 25 yards passing, 10 yards rushing or receiving worth 0 points

MCNABB RULE: Worth 1 point!

Donovan Says: “That’s how it works in fantasy football. People really seem to enjoy fantasy football.”

OLD RULE: Wildcat formation: LEGAL

MCNABB RULE: Wildcat formation: ILLEGAL!

Donovan Says: “At first, I thought this might be fun to have around. I am no longer convinced.”

OLD RULE: Head Coach and QB blamed after a loss!

MCNABB RULE: PEOPLE, WE ARE FIGHTING TWO WARS!

Donovan Says: “People really need to take this all in perspective. Yes, we lost a football game. But darn it if we didn’t try. We really need to think about our priorities as a nation if we’re putting so much stock in the outcome of a football game. Our boys are fighting and dying overseas every day, and it’s really easy to overlook that and get all worked up over some football loss, which isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things. That’s why I’d act to keep all footage of losing teams out of the highlight reels. McNabb Rules is all about positivity and having a good time.”

OLD RULE: Rules determined by Rules Committee!

MCNABB RULE: Rules determined by creative whim!

Donovan Says: “What do you mean, the ball has to break the plane of the goal line? Didn’t you see Westbrook stretch out his arms five minutes after he was brought down? THAT’S EFFORT.”

Donovan McNabb: CAW CAW

Brian Westbrook: A-heh-heh. That’s good stuff, Donovan.

McNabb: CAW CAW

Westbrook: Yeah, always great to win our last game. Especially over punk-ass Dallas.

Andy Reid: All right, gentlemen. We live to play another week.

McNabb: [Sotto voce to Westbrook] The fuck’s he talking about? I thought the season was over.

Westbrook: [Sotto voce to McNabb] I don’t know. Maybe he’s joking. Laugh like you got it.

McNabb: [Out loud] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s funny, coach. Next week? HAHAHAHAHA. You always could make me laugh. So when do you wanna hit the buffet? All this running out of the pocket the last few weeks, I think I actually dropped a couple pounds. Can’t have that.

Reid: We made the playoffs. We play next week.

McNabb: …

Westbrook: …

Reid: Y’know, a seeded tournament that determines who is the best team in the league through a series of head-to-head contests, wherein I blow it for us through a bevy of poor playcalling and inept clock management.

McNabb: You mean we have more games?

Reid: Yes. That is what I am saying.

McNabb: THE FUCK!?

Westbrook: Shit, my ankle. I think this one is season-ending.

Reid: Okay. Westbrook: questionable for Minnesota. You’ll go through limited pracitice on Friday and rush for 150 on Sunday. Donovan, need you at the facility bright and early on Tuesday.

McNabb: Why didn’t anyone tell me about this shit?

Reid: There’ve been playoffs before. You even took part in some of them.

McNabb: That doesn’t sound like something I would do.

Douchebag Iggles Fans: BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK THESE GUYS! KOLB TO CURTIS! KOLB TO CURTIS! KOLB TO CURTIS! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS! KOLB TO CURTIS, THEN LATERAL TO CHUTLEY!

McNabb: This wouldn’t have happened in Chicago.

I’ve never been part of being benched, uh, I didn’t even know that was in the rules. It’s just something that comes with being in the league and I have to go along with it. 

Yeah, that white boy did great, didn’t he? Fuck this place. I’m so outta here. 

(whistle blows)

What? What’s that? The game is over? What do you mean? We tie? There are ties in the NFL? WHAT THE FUCK?

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

No one told me! I demand such an arcane, obscure rule be written on a very large sign and posted on the door of every NFL locker room. Otherwise, how would anyone ever know? The game just ends? How can that be? THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME!

Well, I’d certainly hate to find out what the NFL would do if such a scenario were to play out in a playoff game or the Super Bowl. What does the NFL do then? Cancel the rest of the postseason? Declare the season a stalemate?! WE ALL GO HOME?! THAT’S BULLSHIT! I am outraged at my envisioned scenario, Commissioner Goodell! Also, I never saw St. Louis and Carolina play a double overtime sudden death playoff game a few years ago.

I think the people on the NFL Competition Committee have a lot of explaining to do to me and my teammates. Not only did they fail to let us know that the game could end in a tie, but they also conveniently “forgot” to let me know about other apparent NFL rules. For example, did you know the clock doesn’t stop if you get a first down? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?! Dude, there are only two minutes left in the game. I NEED TIME TO GATHER MY THOUGHTS! THE GAME GOES WAY TOO FUCKING FAST OTHERWISE!

Did you know that was a rule? Isn’t that just fucking CRAZY?

Also, I have now been informed that incompletions are NOT worth five yards. WHAT THE FUCK?! Here I am, badly underthrowing receivers all game long so that we can methodically drive the ball down the field, while the goddamn ref has the gall to come up and tell me that, after each completion, the ball is returned to the original line of scrimmage and no five-yard gain is awarded. DID YOU KNOW THAT?! Jesus. All those incompletions FOR NOTHING!

And since when aren’t touchbacks worth four points?! I bust my ass all game long to get our punter in good enough position to get us a precious, precious touchback. But suddenly booming one into the endzone isn’t worth four? WE SHOULD HAVE WON THAT GAME BY AT LEAST 70 POINTS YESTERDAY!

It’s like I don’t even know this league anymore. I can’t even recognize the game I once loved. The game I played as a child. The game where I get an extra 20 points tacked onto my QB rating if I tell Andy Reid how much I respect him. Call me a purist, but that’s the way I think the game should be played.

And now you’re telling me I have to play some kind of bizarre, no touchback-awarding, no incompletion-awarding tieapalooza?

That’s fucked up.

I’m sorry. I’m just disgusted right now. I’m going to leave now. I’m going to drive home on the left side of the road, gun it at every red light, drink beer out of my asshole, blow my nose into my shoe, and piss into my neighbor’s Brita filter. Like any rational person who knows the rules of society would.

Donovan McNabb: Well, I’ve never been a part of a tie. I, uh, never even knew that was in the rulebook. Um, but again, uh, it’s part of the rules and we have to go along with it, so…

Media: Wait a second, so you had no idea that the game was going to end after that Hail Mary  attempt?

Donovan: No, I just figured we’d get another opportunity to get back out there and try to win the game. But you know, the one overtime is part of the rules, so we just have to go with it. 

Media: So you mean to tell us the Eagles don’t review the NFL’s rulebook?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of any sort of book club before. I really don’t even like books. Books? Am I pronouncing that correctly? But we figure everyone else knows the rules and, uh, we can go along with that. 

Media: Donovan, it’s Kelly. Do you remember me? We met at a charity function last week. You followed me back to my place and we made beautiful love on my living room floor. But then I woke up the next morning and you were gone. What gives?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of a one-night stand. I, uh, never knew the true extent of my own shame. But, uh, you can leave your contact information on the table here for me to ignore. It’s just part of athletes enjoying casual sex and you just have to go with it, so…

Media: Donovan, will you be joining President-elect Obama’s cabinet as Secretary of State?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of shaping foreign policy before. I, uh, never even knew that was in the Constitution, really. But uh, it’s part of the political landscape today and we just have to go with it. 

PR Lackey: We have time for one more question. 

Media: Donovan, does having a tie feel like kissing your sister, as they say?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of an incestual relationship before. I, uh, never even knew that was socially taboo, really. But uh, it’s part of the social mores of society today and we just have to go with it.

PR Lackey: Thank you, Donovan.