Hey, you! Tired of BORING, OLD SCHOOL NFL football? Sick of pointless and arbitrary roolz like touchdowns being worth only six points, and teams not getting their full complement of 37 timeouts per half? THEN GET READY TO JOIN THE MCNABB RULES REVOLUTION! With Eagles quarterback and former “Biggest Loser” champion Donovan McNabb! His new McNabb Rules Football spinoff game is the hottest new sports innovation since Slamball!

Donovan: I wanted to design a new school football game that would appeal to fans in today’s fast-paced world. I wanted a game that kept the spirit of original football, but one that was FAIRER. That’s why I developed these news rules for my McNabb Rules Football League, and I think you’ll agree that they represent a vast improvement over your traditional NFL product.

AND THEY ARE! CHECK OUT THESE JAMMIN’ NEW ROOLZ THAT MAKE OLD FOGY NFL FOOTBALL LOOK STUPID AND GAY!

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If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

Donovan McNabb: CAW CAW

Brian Westbrook: A-heh-heh. That’s good stuff, Donovan.

McNabb: CAW CAW

Westbrook: Yeah, always great to win our last game. Especially over punk-ass Dallas.

Andy Reid: All right, gentlemen. We live to play another week.

McNabb: [Sotto voce to Westbrook] The fuck’s he talking about? I thought the season was over.

Westbrook: [Sotto voce to McNabb] I don’t know. Maybe he’s joking. Laugh like you got it.

McNabb: [Out loud] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s funny, coach. Next week? HAHAHAHAHA. You always could make me laugh. So when do you wanna hit the buffet? All this running out of the pocket the last few weeks, I think I actually dropped a couple pounds. Can’t have that.

Reid: We made the playoffs. We play next week.

McNabb: …

Westbrook: …

Reid: Y’know, a seeded tournament that determines who is the best team in the league through a series of head-to-head contests, wherein I blow it for us through a bevy of poor playcalling and inept clock management.

McNabb: You mean we have more games?

Reid: Yes. That is what I am saying.

McNabb: THE FUCK!?

Westbrook: Shit, my ankle. I think this one is season-ending.

Reid: Okay. Westbrook: questionable for Minnesota. You’ll go through limited pracitice on Friday and rush for 150 on Sunday. Donovan, need you at the facility bright and early on Tuesday.

McNabb: Why didn’t anyone tell me about this shit?

Reid: There’ve been playoffs before. You even took part in some of them.

McNabb: That doesn’t sound like something I would do.

Douchebag Iggles Fans: BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK THESE GUYS! KOLB TO CURTIS! KOLB TO CURTIS! KOLB TO CURTIS! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS! KOLB TO CURTIS, THEN LATERAL TO CHUTLEY!

McNabb: This wouldn’t have happened in Chicago.

I’ve never been part of being benched, uh, I didn’t even know that was in the rules. It’s just something that comes with being in the league and I have to go along with it. 

Yeah, that white boy did great, didn’t he? Fuck this place. I’m so outta here. 

(whistle blows)

What? What’s that? The game is over? What do you mean? We tie? There are ties in the NFL? WHAT THE FUCK?

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

No one told me! I demand such an arcane, obscure rule be written on a very large sign and posted on the door of every NFL locker room. Otherwise, how would anyone ever know? The game just ends? How can that be? THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME!

Well, I’d certainly hate to find out what the NFL would do if such a scenario were to play out in a playoff game or the Super Bowl. What does the NFL do then? Cancel the rest of the postseason? Declare the season a stalemate?! WE ALL GO HOME?! THAT’S BULLSHIT! I am outraged at my envisioned scenario, Commissioner Goodell! Also, I never saw St. Louis and Carolina play a double overtime sudden death playoff game a few years ago.

I think the people on the NFL Competition Committee have a lot of explaining to do to me and my teammates. Not only did they fail to let us know that the game could end in a tie, but they also conveniently “forgot” to let me know about other apparent NFL rules. For example, did you know the clock doesn’t stop if you get a first down? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?! Dude, there are only two minutes left in the game. I NEED TIME TO GATHER MY THOUGHTS! THE GAME GOES WAY TOO FUCKING FAST OTHERWISE!

Did you know that was a rule? Isn’t that just fucking CRAZY?

Also, I have now been informed that incompletions are NOT worth five yards. WHAT THE FUCK?! Here I am, badly underthrowing receivers all game long so that we can methodically drive the ball down the field, while the goddamn ref has the gall to come up and tell me that, after each completion, the ball is returned to the original line of scrimmage and no five-yard gain is awarded. DID YOU KNOW THAT?! Jesus. All those incompletions FOR NOTHING!

And since when aren’t touchbacks worth four points?! I bust my ass all game long to get our punter in good enough position to get us a precious, precious touchback. But suddenly booming one into the endzone isn’t worth four? WE SHOULD HAVE WON THAT GAME BY AT LEAST 70 POINTS YESTERDAY!

It’s like I don’t even know this league anymore. I can’t even recognize the game I once loved. The game I played as a child. The game where I get an extra 20 points tacked onto my QB rating if I tell Andy Reid how much I respect him. Call me a purist, but that’s the way I think the game should be played.

And now you’re telling me I have to play some kind of bizarre, no touchback-awarding, no incompletion-awarding tieapalooza?

That’s fucked up.

I’m sorry. I’m just disgusted right now. I’m going to leave now. I’m going to drive home on the left side of the road, gun it at every red light, drink beer out of my asshole, blow my nose into my shoe, and piss into my neighbor’s Brita filter. Like any rational person who knows the rules of society would.

Donovan McNabb: Well, I’ve never been a part of a tie. I, uh, never even knew that was in the rulebook. Um, but again, uh, it’s part of the rules and we have to go along with it, so…

Media: Wait a second, so you had no idea that the game was going to end after that Hail Mary  attempt?

Donovan: No, I just figured we’d get another opportunity to get back out there and try to win the game. But you know, the one overtime is part of the rules, so we just have to go with it. 

Media: So you mean to tell us the Eagles don’t review the NFL’s rulebook?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of any sort of book club before. I really don’t even like books. Books? Am I pronouncing that correctly? But we figure everyone else knows the rules and, uh, we can go along with that. 

Media: Donovan, it’s Kelly. Do you remember me? We met at a charity function last week. You followed me back to my place and we made beautiful love on my living room floor. But then I woke up the next morning and you were gone. What gives?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of a one-night stand. I, uh, never knew the true extent of my own shame. But, uh, you can leave your contact information on the table here for me to ignore. It’s just part of athletes enjoying casual sex and you just have to go with it, so…

Media: Donovan, will you be joining President-elect Obama’s cabinet as Secretary of State?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of shaping foreign policy before. I, uh, never even knew that was in the Constitution, really. But uh, it’s part of the political landscape today and we just have to go with it. 

PR Lackey: We have time for one more question. 

Media: Donovan, does having a tie feel like kissing your sister, as they say?

Donovan: Well, I’ve never been part of an incestual relationship before. I, uh, never even knew that was socially taboo, really. But uh, it’s part of the social mores of society today and we just have to go with it.

PR Lackey: Thank you, Donovan.