HI THERE

THE BEN HAS FEW THINGS IN LIFE THAT IS MAKE HIM HAPPY. ALL FOLKS KNOW CHOCO TACO IS ONE FOR BEING SCRUMPTIOUS. CALL OF DUTY IS NUMERO TWO.

(MAYBE EVEN NUMERO PEW – HARF HARF HARF THAT’S JOKES)

BUT DID YOU KNOW DOGS IS NUMERO THREE? IT’S TRUE: DOGS IS NUMERO THREE

FOR ONE, DOGS IS NOT EATING YOUR CHOCO TACOS BECAUSE CHOCOLATE IS BAD FOR THEM. CHOCOLATE CAUSE THEM TO BE DEAD. FOR TWO, DOGS IS LICKING YOUR FACE WHEN THEY IS HAPPY BECAUSE YOUR FACE IS TASTY LIKE DOG CHOCOLATE, ONLY IT DON’T CAUSE THEM TO BE DEAD.

THIS MY DOG HINES JUNIOR. I GIVE HIM THAT NAME BECAUSE HE IS PART BLACK AND PART SOMETHING ELSE.

I SAW THE CARTOON BALLOONHOUSE MOVIE WHERE THEY HAD DOGS THAT COULD TALK AND I FOUND OUT THAT IF DOGS COULD TALK THEY WOULD TALK ABOUT INTERESTING THINGS AND MAYBE EVEN CAPTURE BIRDS FOR YOU.

I DON’T LIKE BIRDS SO IF I HAD TALKING DOGS I WOULD JUST TALK TO MY TALKING DOGS ABOUT FOOTBALL AND XBOX.

DON’T FORGET THAT YOU CAN ALSO CALL DOGS IN CALL OF DUTY ONCE YOU GET SEVEN KILL STREAK. PROBLEM IS HERE YOUR ENEMY CAN DO SAME. THAT IS USING DOGS FOR EVIL. CAUSE ME GREAT CONFLICT. LIKE HOW CLEVELAND FANS USE DOG COSTUMES TO ROOT ON BAD TEAM. DOGS SHOULD ONLY BE USED FOR GOOD.

ANOTHER THING: DOGS IS NOT JUDGING YOU WHEN YOU THROW PICKERCEPTIONS OR IS SPELLING PICKSBURGH WRONG. THAT IS BECAUSE DOGS IS LOYAL AND COUNT ON YOU TO FEEDS THEM.

WHEN BEN GO TO THE BIG XBOX LIVE IN THE SKY, HE GONNA LEAVE ALL HIS MONEYS TO DOGS. THEN DOGS WILL USE THE MONEY TO BUY THEMSELVES OUT OF PEOPLE SLAVERY AND THEY WILL BE FREE.

Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and top secret government operative for King Narudi of Jurumba. (KING, THE HEADS YOU REQUESTED ARE IN MY BAG.) You might remember me from the time I got arrested for roasting my girlfriend on a spit, or the time I defecated in Dave Wannstedt’s wallet, or the time I was caught on a surveillance camera trying to have children with a flowerpot. WHERE ELSE WOULD FLOWER CHILDREN COME FROM?

You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers, Alonzo Spellman’s Tit Wrench, and Alonzo Spellman’s Baby Razors. Now I’m BACK, with an even better product!

It’s Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw! We all know sawing off the limbs and heads of your dog can be a real pain! Blood goes everywhere. Your wrists get sore. AND THAT FUCKING DOG WON’T STOP BARKING. SHUT UP, DOG. YOU BARK BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO DUMB TO KNOW HOW TO TALK. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, DOG. BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE MY PRECIOUS TALKING PILLOW. IT HOLDS THE SECRET TO LIFE.

Well, with my new, patented Dog Saw, the everyday chore of butchering your dog is now a snap! The cushioned handle is designed by Oxo for maximum comfort! No more pulling up halfway through your dog to rest up! And my saw’s teeth are crafted from 100% stainless steel made in China. AND IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO CHOP UP A PUPPY, IT’S THOSE CHINAMEN. This saw don’t bark. IT BITES, BITCH!

My saw blade comes with a lifetime guarantee against corrosion, rust, or dulling. No matter how many dogs you need to cut through, Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw is up to the task! AND IT CAN SAW THROUGH ALL BREEDS: Labradors, Great Danes, Irish Wolfhounds, Portuguese Water Dogs, Pugs, Greyhounds, Dalmations, German Shepards, those fucking dogs that look like a ballsack. What dog is that again?…

Yeah, that one. I FUCKING HATE THOSE DOGS. STOP DISGUISING YOURSELF AS MY BALLS, DOG. YOU CAN’T FIT IN MY PANTS.

Don’t settle for some fucking pussy faggot dog saw that can only handle Pomeranians. Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw is endorsed by the people at Stihl and is the #1 choice for professional dog carvers the world over. It can saw a dog in half TWICE as fast as any other dog saw on the market. LOOK! It can cut through this dog…

And stay razor sharp enough to cut through a tin can, a piece of aluminum siding, and then a nursing student! Like I said: IT BITES, BITCH! Just ask my top customer…

Oh, man.

So yeah, no dog saws for me. Although yeah, Spellman make one good fucking dog saw. That shit’ll never jam up on you. Wait! Don’t quote this in an ad or anything!

You see?! But order your Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw NOW! Supplies are limited, and I must flee for the Ivory Coast before the end of the week! The CIA knows too much. I THINK THEY MAY HAVE FOUND THE BONES IN MY SHED. THOSE ARE NOT MY BONES, MR. MAN.

Order your today by sending $45,000,000 in solid gold coins to this address:

The Small Mound Of Dirt Along I-66.
Manassas, VA

Be sure to send the gold in a bubble pack to prevent denting. Gold is very soft, LIKE A NICE TIT. Order now and I’ll throw in Alonzo Spellman’s Cat Eye Pliers absolutely FREE!

But hurry! YOU AIN’T EVER SAW A DOG SAW LIKE THIS!

 

Last night, 10-year-old Sussex spaniel Stump shocked the canine world when he took Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night. The dog was ten years old! That’s what, 70 in dog years? That’s like Joan Rivers winning a Miss America pageant. Immediately after his victory, the champ granted a special interview to KSK, and we were more than eager to enjoy a conversation with the dog of the hour.

Fuckin’ kids these days, man. They don’t appreciate shit. Nothing. Every fucking day we were here, it’s “I wanna eat this, I wanna piss here, Why aren’t you rubbing my tummy?” I just wanted to paw these little faggots in the face and yell, “You’re in this show to compete, faggots! Not to have someone else lick your ass for you.” Of course, I didn’t do that. Only chows yell. Christ, those chows are fucking retarded.

 

And don’t get me started on the chocolate labs. Laziest fucking animals on earth. Dumber than shit. You know we tried to play fetch with those hydrant humpers? Someone throws the ball, and these numbnuts take two steps and then turn around all stupid and shit and they’re like “Where’d it go?” WHY DON’T YOU GO LOOK, COCKFACE?! And stop shitting in my water bowl. It’s bad enough I have to taste my own ass every day.

But yeah, I won, so get fucked. Look for my new rap album in the fall. I don’t have a title yet, but it’ll have something to do with fucking bitches and getting paid. And in the video I’ll be in a car that bounces up and down. That’s all I got so far. We’re working on the rest. Oh hey…

[looks around]

 

I pissed on this one girl the other night and SHE DIDN’T SAY SHIT. I think she wanted it. Goddamn, I can’t wait until I win next year. Dog shows are the greatest thing ever.

Shortly after our conversation with Stump, the Sussex spaniel was stripped of his Best In Show award after his urine allegedly tested positive for Kibberal, a dietary supplement that has been on the Westminster Kennel Club’s banned substances list since 2004. A phone call to Stump’s representation requesting comment was not immediately returned.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! I need you to come do something! Let’s go! You gotta help out if you’re gonna stay here, you know.

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s goin’ on? What do I need to do?

Marvin: I need you to feed the dog.

Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. What’s the scoop?

Marvin: Just open up a can of Alpo, empty it into his dish, and cut it up a bit so he can eat it easily. Then put it on the floor.

Ocho: That’s it?

Marvin: Yeah.

Ocho: How come he’s not eating with us?

Marvin: What do you mean?

Ocho: How come he has to eat on the floor? Why can’t he eat with us at the dinner table?

Marvin: Because he’s a dog. He can’t sit at a table. Or use a knife and fork.

Ocho: I think you’re wrong. I think you’re just too lazy to train him to do that.

Marvin: No, it’s not me being lazy. It’s that training a dog to use dining utensils is an impossibility. They physically cannot do it.

Ocho: See, I think that’s some bullshit. ‘Cause I’ve seen a dog do that.

Marvin: Where?

Ocho: On the TV. I saw this dog sitting at the table, eating a steak, and then this big cracka rooster came up to him and was like, “I SAY I SAY I SAY, BOY! I reckon that you and that chickenhawk are in cahoots!”

Marvin: Okay, that was “Foghorn Leghorn”. That’s a cartoon. A drawing. That didn’t actually happen. A dog can’t do that.

Ocho: Yeah, but what I’m sayin’ is: How would the cartoon man know how to draw that if he never saw dogs do it in real life? You know what I mean? He had to have, like, traced it from a real dog.

Marvin: No, he drew it from his imagination. He never saw a dog actually using a knife and fork. He created a mental image of it and then drew it from that mental image.

Ocho: Oh, so you’re telling me that Mr. Cartoon Man is all superpowered like that? PLEASE.

Marvin: Again, he drew it from imagination. There are many things in the world that are not physically possible, but that doesn’t stop us from imagining those things happening. It’s quite a common ability. For instance, if I were to, I don’t know, create a mental image of you passing a remedial reading test, that’s my IMAGINATION at work. That would never actually happen.

Ocho: Yeah, but why couldn’t a dog eat with a knife and fork? Why is that so hard? We teach them to sit. We teach them to roll over. We teach them to foil Dr. Claw.

Marvin: No, we don’t teach them to foil Dr. Claw. That’s Brain, the dog from “Inspector Gadget.” Again, a cartoon.

Ocho: I’m just saying it seems very lazy, is all. I think maybe you don’t WANT to eat with the dog. That, if you had to eat dinner with the dog, you might have to talk about stuff you don’t really want to talk about.

Marvin: Dogs can’t talk, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should! They should be able to eat dinner with you, and talk, and play baseball with you, just like Bugs Bunny can.

Marvin: Rabbits cannot play baseball.

Ocho: Yes, they can! They’re fucking great at it! They catch their own pop flies and shit!

Marvin: Again, Bugs Bunny is a cartoon. A two-dimensional drawing. Rabbits can’t play baseball. They lack the hand-eye coordination. In fact, they lack hands altogether.

Ocho: But, if they DID have hands, then they could play baseball.

Marvin: But they don’t have hands.

Ocho: But they COULD. I see hands lying around all the time. There’s no reason we couldn’t, like, stitch that shit on a rabbit, so that he could play baseball with the rest of us.

Marvin: What do you mean, you see hands lying around all the time?

Ocho: Like in “Addams Family Values”. There was this hand running around all over the place. And it seemed like a waste, you know? Because some rabbit out there could use that hand, and it was just wasting time running around on its own. Why not get THAT hand and put it on a rabbit?

Marvin: Okay, that hand is called Thing. And Thing is not a real hand. That was a computerized effect. There aren’t random, active, living severed hands skittering about. And, even if there were, why would we put them on rabbits when there are real people out there, burn victims and what not, who could use those hands more? You see the flaw in your reasoning? How are you even going to attach it to the rabbit? It doesn’t have a fucking WRIST. Attaching a hand to someone means dealing with an incredibly complex network of blood vessels, nerves, and muscle tissue.

Ocho: How do you know? You’re no biographer! You’re no Doris Kearns Goodbar!

Marvin: I’m telling you, a rabbit would reject that hand. It doesn’t have the capacity to use a human hand, even if you stitched it on. Which you can’t. Because, again, it has no arm. Or wrist.

Ocho: It don’t need a wrist. You could just attach it to the head of the rabbit.

Marvin: You want to attach it to the rabbit’s head?

Ocho: Yeah. That way, you can really see it waving from center field. It’d be all like, “THIS FLY BALL IS MINE, BITCHES!” It could play baseball, or basketball.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t. Rabbits cannot play basketball.

Ocho: Yes, they can. Rabbits like to fuck, right? They make lots of babies, right? Well, they’re just like NBA players then. I could totally see a bunny running the point. He’d keep the ball so low! How you gonna get that ball? He’d be all dribbling between defenders and shit. I bet a team of rabbits could beat the Greeks if you gave them head-hands.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: If you got some that had been arrested and shit, you could. They’d have the right attitude, just like the Bengals used to have.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. I ASKED YOU TO FEED THE FUCKING DOG. WHY CAN’T I ASK YOU TO DO A SIMPLE FUCKING TASK WITHOUT YOU DRAGGING ME INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT RABBITS RUNNING AROUND WITH FUCKING HANDS SEWN ONTO THEIR HEADS? WHAT FUCKING GALAXY DO YOU COME FROM? DID AN ALIEN CIVILIZATION SEND YOU HERE TO FUCKING DESTROY US ALL WITH YOUR NUCLEAR IDIOCY?

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T WIN A GAME, YOU FUCKING SAVANT. WE CAN’T WIN A GAME BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL THE FOCUS OF A GODDAMN SHOTGUN BLAST. MY BRAIN HURTS. MY FUCKING BRAIN HURTS BECAUSE YOU’RE SO FUCKING DUMB. EVERY TIME, CHAD. EVERY TIME I TALK YOU, I NEED FUCKING EXCEDRIN BECAUSE IT HURTS ME TO CONTEMPLATE JUST HOW FUCKING RETARDED YOU ARE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD?

Ocho: See now, Bugs Bunny knows a doc. So I bet he could help get your head looked at. Ray Lewis can probably give you a referral too, if you want.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.