Last night, for reasons I can’t quite explain, I felt compelled to visit the Detroit Free Press online to see what the local reaction was to the Lions first victory since 2007. As you might expect, it was mostly effusive stuff. Bundled with the reaction to that joyous moment, however, was the usual morally upright scolding from pompous schlock merchant Mitch Albom, who had Something To Say about the horrible, no-good video that circulated the Intarwebs (but not here – WTF?) last week of the female Lions fan getting arrested for making a scene at the game against the Vikes. I could not help myself. I was compelled to give it the PK treatment.
Not only did the Lions NOT learn from Jon Kitna’s 10-win guarantee two seasons ago, their front office is still hilariously cutting corners. Yahoo’s Michael Silver pulls two Millenesque examples of Detroit being Detroit in his most recent column. The man making the Kitna-like promise? Second-year tailback Kevin Smith, who wrote on his blog:
“We will definitely make the playoffs this season. Believe it or not we weren’t far off last year. Almost every game we could have won, we were one play or one player short. Except for Tennessee on Thanksgiving, they just came out and beat us to sleep. They manhandled us, but nobody else did.”
That’s a totally fair and accurate assess– **COUGH**Week 2 vs. Green Bay: L, 48-25 / Week 3 at San Fancisco: L, 31-13 / Week 5 vs. Chicago: L, 34-7 / Week 10 vs. Jacksonville: 38-14 / Week 12 vs. Tampa Bay: 38-20 / Week 16 vs. New Orleans: L, 42-7**COUGH** Sorry, I just can’t seem to shake this swine flu.
Oh but wait: there’s more. The other slice of trivia pie (it’s orange for sports & leisure!) from Silver is this story from Terry Foster of the Detroit News:
Lions season-ticket holder Todd Taylor , who commutes from Chicago to attend Lions home games, and his buddy Jim Allen from Royal Oak were stoked when Taylor won a replica Kevin Smith jersey during the Lions’ draft party at Ford Field.
But something was strange about the No. 34 jersey. The Smith name on the back looked bulky. So they cut it off and were shocked to see the name Jones underneath.
It appears the Lions repurposed some old Kevin Jones jerseys, turning them into Smith jerseys and gave them away to season-ticket holders.
Oh man, I hope Matt Stafford doesn’t wear #8 next season. Just think of all those priceless Kitna jerseys that might get ruined!
Sunday’s Simpsons episode was another eminently unfunny installment in the years long death rattle the show has been publicly undergoing, one that will endure for at least another two years. But it did have one good football related visual gag, when Channel 4 ran a doctored picture of Flanders in a hatchet story about him booting the Simpsons out of their home after he bought in on the cheap in an auction.
Don’t take the ribbing too hard Lions fans. Remember when the show ripped on the Broncos in the Hank Scorpio episode and the team proceeded to win the next two Super Bowls? Well, that won’t happen to you, but it’s a nice thought, huh?
Most of you will be pissed when you realize this post has nothing to do with the Pittsburgh Steelers. There’s a bigger towel to trample right now, and it sits on a patch of dirt in the shitheap of incompetence listed on your maps as Detroit, Michigan. We’re on the cusp of history; The Detroit Lions are 0-15, a scenario that can break exactly one of two ways. Option A: Detroit upsets the Packers in Week 17, in Green Bay, where they haven’t won in 17 years. Or, Option B: The Lions continue their mastery of scoring fewer points than the other team and ride that shit-stained chariot of ineptitude into immortality.
Either way, we hold this truth to be self-evident: one week from today, Rod Marinelli’s ass is gone. Marinelli is the most visible remnant of the Old Millen Regime, and it wouldn’t be unfair to say that he couldn’t coach 50 ccs of semen into Brady Quinn’s mouth. But let’s not hang this all on Rod. He’s had help from this amazing cadre of fuckups:
JOE BARRY: DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
How great a coach is Joe? Who cares? Barry married Rod’s daughter, which means the Lions’ defensive coordinator is also the head coach’s son-in-law! And is that his daddy Mike that’s an assistant for the offensive line? It’s like a family reunion in there. But now who brings the buffalo wings to film study?
Perhaps the worst indictment of Joe Barry is that he doesn’t even run his own defensive meetings; Marinelli does. Okay, fine, but who holds Joe’s dick when he takes a piss?
KIPPY BROWN: PASSING GAME COORDINATOR
Passing game? That passing game that ranks in the bottom five in every conceivable category? Luckily, your office is probably smaller than Marinelli’s, which should make it even faster to clean out! But chin up, Kippy. You’ll have plenty of time to prepare for an offseason of fruitless, token head coaching interviews!
STAN KWAN: SPECIAL TEAMS
Colch speciar teems fol Deetloit Rions? No smirre!
So this team didn’t shit the bed 15 times by accident. And Rob Parker, a Detriot-area columnist who might describe his entire career as oh and fifteen, had as much nerve to ask Marinelli as much in the postgame press conference when Parker asked, “Do you wish your daughter had married a better defensive coordinator?”
And Parker’s an authority on incompetence. In fact, Parker was once called been called The Worst Columnist In America! By The Big Lead! That’s like Keanu Reeves calling Heath Ledger lifeless! But Florio joined the FOX panel in pooh-poohing the move, saying that “Parker’s question had no redeeming value or purpose.”
Oh, I beg to differ.
I beg to differ because I am so goddamned sick of every shitty coach in America sitting behind a microphone after his team gets its ass whipped and tell everyone how they’re gonna work hard and fix everything next week. YOU ARE OH AND MOTHERFUCKING FIFTEEN! YOU HAVE FAILED MORE THAN ANY FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT. YOU DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU’RE DOING! STAN KWAN HAS ALREADY COMMITTED SEPPUKU, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. AT LEAST HE HAS A SENSE OF SHAME!
Get pissed. Punch a baby. Drag your wife around the block by her hair. Do SOMETHING that would indicate any degree of displeasure with your record. Because you couldn’t suck a bigger dick if that dick got horrible gas mileage and had a terrible resale value. And you ought know, shitbag! You work in Detroit!
I can’t wait until you get fired and you make that shiteating grimace at the press conference to say, “What, me? Are you serious? I thought we were doing okay.” No, you are not doing okay, and you’re down to six days to master not doing okay, because your ass will go the way of the Edsel. Dickbag.
Rob Parker can see this. Why can’t you? Because you suck. Now start acting like it.
Former Lions receiver Roy Williams decided to have a little fun at the Lions’ Mike Furrey Annual Charity Halloween Party to Benefit White Receivers by going as the luggage-thieving former Detroit running back Tatum Bell, complete with Rudi Johnson stolen drawers and a bell hop uniform. Though I hear Dan Orlovsky had trouble getting in ’cause his costume was over the line. ZING! How does he do it, folks?
Or maybe we could be mistaken in that it could be a riff on Buzz the Bellman from the Hudsucker Proxy.
“Say, buddy, who’s the most liquid businessman on the street? Jerry Jones!”
