With the first pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select JaMarcus Russell.

What? Oh, man. Oh, that is their loss, man. I mean, Condon told me they were planning on taking that guy, but I didn’t actually BELIEVE him. But I guess it makes sense. Everyone in Oakland is black, so they needed a black QB. I get that. That’s a very progressive attitude, and I support it. God, my hair looks great. I wish I had remembered my concealer today. I wonder if Mr. Davis noticed the blemishes. I thought they gave me a really rugged sort of look. I should have brought my concealer. Shit. Oh well, guess I’m headed to Detroit.

With the second pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select Calvin Johnson.

Oh, man. Really? No, no. That’s okay. I understand that. They have Jon Kitna already, and he’s a good Christian. I guess I’m going to Cleveland. Man, they’re gonna go crazy for my bear… uh, girlfriend in Cleveland. No one in Cleveland is this blonde. Man, she is BLONDE. Guys like blondes, right? Am I right on that? I made sure she dyed it SUPER blonde. God, she’s almost like an albino. That’s a good look. Very Finnish. Man, my hair looks good. Hello, Cleveland! Hello, Cleveland!

With the third pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Joe Thomas.

Hello? Cleveland? Man, what’s happening? Is it the Virginia Tech pin? Was that too transparent? God, my hair looks so good. Kyan Douglas did it himself. I don’t get this. Joe Thomas doesn’t have great hair. He’s not even here! He’s fishing!

Oh God, that’s it! He went fishing! That’s, like, what guys do! Oh man, he’s so smart! By, like, saying he wasn’t interested in going to the draft, that made him look tough. I totally should have skipped the draft to get my legs waxed. Or go hunting. Definitely go hunting. That’s the right move. Uh oh, here comes Suzy Kolber. Okay, act dignified. You’re going into broadcasting 15 years from now, Quinn. Get your polish down now!

Okay, that went well. Maybe Tampa will take me.

With the fourth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Tampa Bay Bucs select Gaines Adams.

Maybe not. Maybe the Redskins will. If anyone knows star power, it’s Mr. Snyder. I had dinner with him twice. I had the miso-glazed cod. I think it went really well.

With the sixth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins select LaRon Landry.

I should have ordered the porterhouse.

With the seventh pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select Adrian Peterson.

It’s the hair. I think the hair has scared people off. I think it looks TOO good. Like, if my hair looks this good, then maybe it would foster resentment in the locker room? But it looks GREAT!

Shit, you know what it is? It’s the vest. I had the vest sized one size too small. I really thought it look more manly if I were just bursting right out of it. That was an error. God, how could I have been so dumb? Clearly, I should have worn a jacket. The brown silk on the back is exposed! It’s not supposed to be exposed! Gah!

Okay Brades, just settle down. It’s clear now. We’re going to Miami. This is good. It’s a great organization. And Miami is a perfect fit! The whole scene down on South Beach is really faboo. Okay, I’m excited. So I lost a little money. People in Miami will understand this hair, and what it’s all about. I feel good. I’m gonna try and smile now, even though I can usually only manage a half-smirk, just like every lacrosse player ever born. All right, sunny Miami! Here I come!

With the ninth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select…

Yes?

Ted Gi…

I can’t see. I think I’m blind. Is this really happening? Can I get a Dasani? I think I’m having a hot flash. Oh God, here comes Suzy again. Oh, God. Man, she’s got the same look on her face that she gets when someone’s been carted off the field wearing a halo. I can’t face her… I have to get away… I have to… I have to… GO DANCING.

(leaves, goes dancing)

God, that felt great. Sometimes, you just have to go dance. It’s so freeing. Where are we now?

The New York Jets have made a trade.

Oooooh! Delicious! The Big Apple. Nice. Brades, I think you and I are gonna be just fine. I think I’ll live in DUMBO. That’s a very in neighborhood right now. John Norris from MTV lives there, I think.

With the fourteenth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select…

Hoo boy, here we go!

…Darrelle Revis.

Who the fuck is that? No, I’m NOT fine, thank you. I am now officially PISSED OFF. Okay? I did everything right except beat ranked opponents. Look at my hair! I didn’t get this hair styled just to be a second rounder! Ridiculous. Nobody else coordinated like I did, god dammit. I want some resolution here.

(phone rings)

Condon? Hey, ‘sup. What? The Ravens want to trade up for me? Really? You know what? That’s perfect. And you know why? Because none of this would have happened if those fucking Browns had just picked me. Fuckers. Fuck Cleveland. There. I said it. Fuck ‘em. They don’t rock SHIT. You don’t deserve this hair, Cleveland. You’re just Columbus on a fucking lake. Okay? Look at me! I’m showing some fire! I’m a competitor, God dammit! And now I get to go to the Ravens and torture you Clevelanders for the rest of your fucking existence. The irony is a delight. You’ll pay, Cleveland. Brades is gonna haunt you.

The Cleveland Browns have made a trade.

Pfft. Whatever. They probably traded up to draft a tater tot or some other inanimate object. Fuck you Cleveland.

With the twenty-second pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Brady Quinn.

Oh. Uh, goodie. Um… I love Cleveland! I really do! Always have! I’m really excited. No, I really am. Joe Thomas. Dennis Northcutt. It’s great. How my hair? Is it okay? I hope this hat doesn’t ruin it.