LEATHERFACE IS GONE! After only having choked away playoff appearances the past three years, Mike Shanahan was let go by the Broncos today, leaving Cutlerfucker without a stringent taskmaster. Just another place for rumors to swirl about Bill Cowher and Scott Pioli.
Brandon Marshall: Look at this shit. All these fans wolfing down their greasy-ass food and I gotta stationary bike like a sucker. Makes a guy wanna put his fist through a giant flatscreen. That’s it, I gotta make a food run after this game.
Jay Cutler: Shit! Looks like Jacksonville is about to take the lead. We gotta come out strong on this drive. There are only about six minutes left. We might not get another shot. Brandon? I’ve noticed your production slipping, B-Marsh. 18 catches in your first game. 10 in the last two. What’s going on? Talk to me. Brandon. Brandon!
Marshall: Hole up. Putting a McD’s takeout order together. What’m I putting you down for? You look like one a’ them fish fillet motherfuckers.
Cutler: Get your head in the game! THIS ISN’T JUST ABOUT YOU! GOTTA HANDLE THE BUSINESS! YOU KNOW, THE BUSINESS AT HAND! I’M JUST TRYING TO RAP AT YOU, MY MAIN MAN! WE GOT TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT! Fuck, I can’t do this, I came from Indiana. Yeah, fish fillet’ll do just fine. How’d you know?
Marshall: All you quarterbacks love your mayonnaise.
Cutler: What’s wrong with mayonnaise?
Andre Hall: A’yo: Did I hear you right? Are you planning on making a food run after the game?
Marshall: Yessir.
Hall: Could I perhaps prevail upon you to go to Sonic?
Marshall: Can’t be hearing that.
Hall: C’mon dog.
Marshall: Can’t be hearing it.
Hall: One time.
Marshall: Can’t do it.
Hall: Dog, I’m on a running back co-mit-tee. That means everything we running backs do, we got to put to a vote. Let me make one executive decision.
Marshall: I feel for you. I really do. This ain’t the situation for taking the flyer.
Hall: How ’bout I throw you five?
Marshall: Keep going.
Hall: More than five? That’s steep.
Marshall: Price of living.
Hall: All right, all right. 10. 10 sound good?
Marshall: Good enough. What they got at Sonic?
Hall: Fuck if I know. Commercials are funny as shit.
Marshall: You’re killing me.
Hall: I know you’ve seen ‘em.
Marshall: Killing me.
Hall: Folks in the car? Making funny talk. The girl who looks like a bird? The dudes from every Comedy Central show?
Marshall: [Feigns choking motion] Dead.
Hall: Fine. ‘Least gimme my 10 back.
Marshall: ‘Nah dude. This covering drinks. Bad suggestion means your cash is forfeit.
Hall: You got my apple pie in there, though, right? ‘CAUSE I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME! NO! NO IT’S NOT TIME FOR YOU TO TAKE THE FIELD. Goddamn it.
As per the usual this time of year, there is something amiss about the unforeseen occupants atop the standings. Certainly some of that is natural turnover from year to year, while others are simply enjoying a fleeting stay before their return to mediocrity. But which is which? We welcome a representative from each of the surprising 2-0 teams to make the case as to why they are here to stay. (more…)
The subject of this video is Broncofan1990, who is either a young fan of the Denver NFL franchise, or the test tube lovechild of Kige Ramsey and a Chinese otter. Broncofan set out on youtube to share some insights about his favorite team. Turns out that, unlike the dapper Kentuckian Kige, this guy’s commentary was not so well-received:
The kid was true to his word.
There’s no shit anywhere on youtube now for “Broncfn90,” but the legacy lives on.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
A quintet of randomly assembled trivia:
-QB Brodie Croyle lost all six games that he started last season. He played his college football at Alabama, where he perfected his unique, ellipically-shaped haircut, which he refers to simply as “Follicle Village.”
-RB Larry Johnson has 1,050 career carries, averaging 4.5 yards per pop. He credits his success to a training regimen called “Dots,” which involves him standing on a marked platform, eating spoonfuls of pebble-shaped ice cream.
-Jay Feely lasted exactly one day in Chiefs camp. Upon his dismissal, head coach Herm Edwards was praised for his humanity after declining to euthanize the kicker, choosing instead to simply open the front gate and let him roam free.
-Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.
-Kansas City is actually in Missouri which, to me, sounds like bullshit. The entire city used to be in Kansas, until it was stolen in 1836 by the old train robber Slippery Dan Honeybaker and his gang. They sacked the city in the dead of night, and then moved it outside of state lines, where they started the Great Plains Squaredancing Society, which holds meetings on the last friday of each month to this very day. PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING TOWN BACK WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COCKSUCKING SQUAREDANCERS.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5
Verdict: PUSH
Look for Herm and the crew to tie their first 11 games and then back into a nice, Top-10 draft pick for 2009. You heard it here first.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Four bits of knowledge that will make you appear familiar with this team, plus a bonus:
-The city of San Diego is renown for its excellent zoo and large volume of secondhand pussy that couldn’t cut it in LA. The city is also home to a plethora of U.S. military bases that protect our freedom and stuff.
-Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.
-Head coach Norv Turner was the surprise hire of 2007, but he would later shock the coaching world. He took the Chargers to the playoffs with an 11-5 record before showing the entire NFL that he actually does prefer to be called “Norv.”
-Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”
-Ladanian Tomlinson is the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy football this year. His durable frame and quick feet are in stark contrast to Megan Fox, the consensus No. 1 pick for fantasy anal.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5
Verdict: OVER
It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN the Chargers will lose to the Patriots in January.
DENVER BRONCOS
You’re still here? Do you really give a shit about this team?
- Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.
- Before this past offseason, Brandon Marshall once cut his hand on a toaster oven after a angry discussion that began with an excessively hot Cherry Pop Tart. In fact, many of the appliances in Marshall’s home meet in the living room on Tuesdays for group therapy sessions.
- Head coach Mike Shanahan has been with the Broncos for so long, the Denver Post has a historical back page feature called “Before That Rat-Faced Fuck Ran John Elway Out Of Town.”
- The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.
- Selvin Young hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season. “Selvin” is actually Nubian for “hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season.”
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5
Verdict: OVER
Denver should challenge for the AFC title, but they’ll need to score more points than the other team in about 12 or 13 games. You don’t get this level of analysis anywhere else.
OAKLAND RAIDERS
Five relatively quick morsels of information:
- Raiders owner Al Davis was the onetime commissioner of the American Football League, which rivaled the NFL back in the 1960s. The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.
- Justin Fargas rushed for over 1,000 yards last season, before the team drafted sensational rookie Darren McFadden in the first round. I don’t have a joke for that, but it’s pertinent.
- The Raiders traditionally have taken aging players released by other teams and let them finish their careers in Oakland. With the Patriots having recently adopted this trend, the Raiders have turned to a unique recruiting source: Al Qaeda.
- That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.
- Upon his hiring, head coach Lane Kiffin usurped the San Diego Chargers’ title of “Most Poorly Named Head Coach.” Zing! Oh, come on, people!
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6
Verdict: PUSH
JaMarcus Russell should benefit from a full training camp, but not enough to make up for a shitty defense and a head coach on a short leash with ownership. More like “ownershit.” Heh.
