And so we begin our sad lurch into the off-season, where the best hope for news beyond the future of Peyton Manning is draft speculation and player misdeeds. Lucky for us, a nice example of the latter has already come our way. Here’s the report from TMZ minus the half dozen unnecessary ellipses:

Denver Broncos running back Knowshon Moreno was arrested for drunk driving in Denver earlier this month and in an ironic twist of fate, cops say the license plate on his ride read “SAUCED.”

Police say Moreno smelled like booze and when he performed poorly on a field sobriety test, they arrested him for DUI.

First losing his starting job to Willis McGahee and now this. Oh please, Tebow, deliver your teammate from his dependency on alcohol and police-baiting license plates.

Tebow played well. Or the Steelers defense was extra sh*tty. I’m inclined the say the former. The Steelers stacked the box and dared his holiness to throw deep and, with the help of Demaryius Thomas batting off Ike Taylor in coverage, he was able to do just that. Once Pittsburgh tied it late, I expected the Broncos to grind out an overtime drive that would end in a record-setting 70-yard overtime field goal by Matt Prater, only for Shaun Suisham to miss on a 30-yard potential tying kick. This was a lot quicker, at least.

[Bombarded by "Tebow 3:16 passed for 316 yards" messages as proof that God hates me]

Kind of a shame that Tebow was actually effective, because there was so much to hate about Phil Simms’ covering for the mistakes Tebow did make. Here’s Simms’ flagrant fluffing over Timmy being inaccurate in the first quarter, calling a clear misfire a “good throwaway”.

The Broncos advance to play New England, who Denver will likely lose to by 30 once again. The AFC divisional playoffs are going to be unwatchable blowouts, but at least the media will have a lot to gush about in the run-up to them. So that’s nice. Maybe Prater can do another of his deflections off the crossbar that lands on the 20. It’ll be his way of parting rubes from their dollars and women from their panties in his post-NFL life.

Who will more visibly venerate the Lord through on-field piety: Tebow Tebowing or Polamalu crossing himself after every play? Or will it be a surprise entrant? Like Demariyus Thomas showering the front row in communion wafers following a score?

Peter King says that the Steelers are the better team were they to meet in Wichita, but Tebow has invoked his evangelical warlock sorcery to bring Pittsburgh low, making The Ben and LaMarr Woodley gimpy, taking out Maurkice Pouncey and Rashard Mendenhall, and inflicting lifelong sickle cell on Ryan Clark. Now conditions are ripe for possible postseason Tebow Time, the legend of which will be passed down through the ages, but only after it has been altered to suit the whims of kings and other lords who will rewrite it every few generations.

There was a time when it was The Ben who was the young QB irritating people with vocal statements about his faith. You might recall that the NFL wanted to fine Roethlisberger $10,000 for writing PFJ (PRAY FER JEEBUS) on his shoes before every game his 2004 rookie season. Oh, how Benjamin changed where he strayed from the flock into the land of body shots and rapeyness. Such a shame. We can only hope for similar identity killing lapses out of Tebowmania.

Hours before the game, Jay Glazer reported that the Broncos might use Brady Quinn on critical 3rd downs, which might be proof of the existence of a benevolent God who enjoys our laughter.

Let’s do this, Rex. First order of business: BOUNTIES. A fresh whore to the man who supplies a Tebow part ripped clean from his body. Gotta settle for Jenn Sterger if you only draw blood.

[Bays for blood while beating knife and fork against kitchen table]

Oh, you shut up, Breer. We only like you because you serve as a handy counterexample to Peter King’s overpowering nutmeg-scented laziness. Don’t you start telling us things we don’t want to hear. “OMG HOW DO WE PREPARE FOR A QB WHO ONLY COMPLETES TWO PASSES A GAME?! PLEASE, JUST GIVE US ’07 BRADY INSTEAD. ANYTHING BUT THAT!”

“Let’s live blog two.” – Some baseball asshole

Presenting the regular season debut of Ocho with the Pats. The first appearance of the tired husk of Larry Johnson with Miami. Mostly likely Reggie Bush’s first five fumbles with the Dolphins.

Oh yeah, and there’s a late game. Maybe if six Broncos quarterbacks get hurt, maybe Tebow will play.

When you think of me, Tim Tebow, I want you to think of one thing: hustle and determination. I want you to think of my love for the game of football and my prediliction for Filipino foreskin. I want you to think of leadership. And now, all of those qualities and more can be delivered right to your door with the new Tim Tebow statue, featuring me. Tim Tebow.

That’s me with the ball.

For the low low price of twelve thousand dollars, you can order a life-sized statue of me! Tim Tebow, playing the game in the way that countless obese caucasian jouralists would swear it was meant to be played. Look at how I’m pointing my finger at nothing in particular. That’s showing leadership. If my teammates had statues, those statues would see how much my statue cared about them.

Wait a second. This says the statue is only fifteen inches tall. Sorry about that.

But that is not all. If you act now, you will receive a copy of my memoir, Through My Eyes. It is the greatest memoir allegedly written by a 23-year-old that you will ever read. You will enjoy the countless tales of leadership and hustle and determination and caring and foreskin. That book is yours with a purchase of the statue, since we can only sell so many of these at church.

I want to apologize again for incorrectly describing the size of the statue. I take my preparation very seriously and I will do better the next time someone decides to mass-market any sculpture of my likeness. I think you will have a much easier time with a smaller statue than a life-sized statue anyway, especially since I don’t think shipping is included.

I want to apologize for not being aware of the shipping costs associated with this product. I will look into that and get back to you right away.

Thank you and Godbless.

DENVER BRONCOS

Not pictured: replica bris.

Key Additions: Tim Tebow, LenDale White, Jamal Williams, Jarvis Green, Justin Bannan, Brandon Lloyd

Key Departures: Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler, Casey Wiegmann, Tyler Polumbus, Peyton Hillis

Five Fast Facts About The Broncos:

- Elvis Dumervil suffered a pectoral tear that will end his season. That’s what I call being… the wrong kind of ripped. YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!
- Ryan Clady returned to practice last week after shredding his knee playing pick-up basketball earlier in the offseason. He refused to give it to Bernard Pollard, who considers shredded knee a very tasty morning pick-me-up.
- Broncos bloggers will enjoy an entire season live blogging Tim Tebow interceptions using this handy crucifix power strip. That may be a few extra holes than the standard stigmata, however.

- To prepare for his role taking over for Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal has spent his time mostly not pummeling women. You would think with the examples put forth by Marshall, Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Santonio Holmes, that he would know better. Just can’t teach some kids.
- Josh McDaniels had to find a way to get former Patriots victory cigar Kyle Eckel on the roster. Because when you’re about to win four games, you had better enjoy them.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Who likes Jabar Gaffney as a starting receiver!? Someone who ran the ’06 Patriots offense, apparently. So, the Broncos got off to a 6-1 start last season, mostly on the strength of their defense and Kyle Orton playing mostly error-free behind center. Then, of course, they underwent the annual Denver implosion, got rid of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan and drafted Tim Tebow in the first round. They gave a huge contract to Dumervil, who will now miss the entire season. Everyone expected them to immediately flame out after the Cutler mess last year. Instead, they had seven weeks of respectability. Not so much this time.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

The always Rascally Charlie Weis, everyone.

“Not so fast, Homer. I think I can order our Tab from this sheet.”

Key Additions: Thomas Jones, Eric Berry, Ryan Lilja, Casey Wiegmann, Jerheme Urban, Brady Quinn puncher Shaun Smith

Key Departures: Kolby Smith, Bobby Wade

Five Fast Facts About The Chiefs:

- The Chiefs have Charlies Weis as their offensive coordinator and Romeo Crennel running the defense. That’s like installing the ashtray and the cigarette lighter from a Maybach into your Pinto.
- Dwayne Bowe caused a stir a few months back by admitting that players set up parties with groupies in hotel rooms using Facebook. A few weeks later, he referred to Matt Cassel as his girlfriend. Kudos, Matt, on withholding sex until he publicly acknowledged your relationship.
- Chris Chambers’ stalker wife has yet to understand that she no longer has to sleep in his bushes. And yes, you may also take that to mean that I think Chris Chambers has a vagina.
- Cornerback Brandon Flowers shares a name with the lead singer of The Killers. Expect Peter King to come to this realization when he pronounces the band The Hot New Act To Watch In 2013.
- Whatever, Ryan Succop. You don’t have to agree with Todd Haley all the time.

Over/Under For 2010: 6.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Struggled with this one a little bit, but I like a lot of the moves Kansas City made in the offseason. Jamaal Charles looks primed for a big year after finishing strong in 2009 and Eric Berry should have an impact on the defense even as a rookie. 7-9 or maybe even 8-8 seems realistic in a fairly weak division, especially with the Chargers likely to decline some.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Jason Campbell has his strengths, but his ping pong ball trick is littered with errors.

Key Additions: Jason Campbell, Colt Brennan, Kyle Boller, John Henderson, Quentin Groves, Kamerion Wimbley

Key Departures: JaMarcus Russell, Kirk Morrison, Justin Fargas, Gerald Warren, Greg Ellis

Five Fast Facts About The Raiders:

- Tom Cable punching jokes have gotten a little tired. So it will be somewhat bittersweet when he violently murders his family with his bare hands.
- Chaz Schilens’ best friend: Larry Dracmas.
- In June, Nnamdi Asomugha received The Jefferson Award, which is essentially The Nobel Prize for public service. No wonder the Raiders were in such a hurry to trade the guy.
- To classify Darrius Heyward-Bey as a bust seems unfair, as busts tend to have better hands.
- Richard Seymour recently claimed that the Raiders are as talented as any team in football. Pretty sure I don’t even need a punchline after that.

Over/Under For 2010: 6 wins

Verdict: OVER

While the Raiders finished 5-11 last season, four of their victories were against teams with a record of .500 or better. Having been held by purple drank connoisseur JaMarcus Russell for the last several years, it’s been presumed that the Raiders could be a capable team with a not-awful quarterback. Considering not-awful seems like the most apt description of Jason Campbell that I can come up with, it seems as though they have found their guy. Not all that leaves is an offensive line and receivers. Oakland is a pretty trendy surprise playoff pick this year, though I think that’s a bit of a reach. Though I will say they most likely won’t lose 10 games again. Woooo! S&B is back, baby!

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

“Well whoop-di-fuggin-do, you splotchy faced cocksnot, you got yourself a ring and gave hope to some drowned people. I STILL GOT YOUR JOB AND SAVED THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM FORNICATORS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I WIN!”

Key Additions: Ryan Mathews, Josh Reed, Nathan Vasher, Randy Michael

Key Departures: LaDainian Tomlinson, Jamal Williams, Brandon Manumaleuna, Antonio Cromartie, Tim Dobbins

Five Fast Facts About The Chargers:

- Malcom Floyd has been targeted with 89 Rivers’ insults so far this preseason and has caught every single one. Very impressive stuff.
- Remember, Nate Kaeding: if you blow one more postseason game, the Chargers might begin to consider maybe thinking about releasing you. That goes 50 percent for you, Norv.
- Who would’ve guessed that one year after their run-in that Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila would essentially have the same amount of talent?
- Luis Castillo is quite possibly the gringo-est Hispanic since Jessica Alba.
- Did you know that Antwan Applewhite has all the warp levels from Super Mario 3 tattooed on his leg? You would if you believed the nerdiest Wikipedia hack I ever made.

Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins

Verdict: UNDER

I’m still not entirely sure how the Chargers won 13 games last season. And that was when they didn’t have Marcus McNeill and Vincent Jackson threatening to hold out for the entire season. Not sure if Ryan Mathews will live up to the fantasy hype, but he should at least be an immediate improvement over LaToeinjury for San Diego’s running game. Marmalard is good enough to survive with Malcom Floyd and Legadu Naanee as his two wideouts, but the team is losing too much talent to be considered among the best in the conference.

This would probably pass for hilarious in the Antarctic Circle; but seriously, if a couple of penguins can realize what a bad decision it was for the Cleveland Browns to sign Jake Delhomme, why couldn’t they? To be fair, when most of a typical day involves standing around in the snowy elements, that leaves a lot of time to think about other things. Like going out and buying a Ford Taurus, for example.