The Broncos have the opportunity to put themselves three and a half games up on the only other team capable of giving them viable competition for the AFC West crown. But what’s so good about handing a potentially crippling defeat to a division foe without it being augmented by extreme personal rancor? WE WANT PATHOS! You ruined our favorite personal rivalry, McDaniels. THAT WAS YOUR WORST CRIME OF ALL! FATSIS THINKS YOU, SIR, ARE A BOORISH TYRANT!

After all, Jay Cutler was the perfect foil for Philip Rivers; the overwrought sub to Marmalard’s domineering (and abstinent) dom. Now, not only is Cutler removed from the equation, but in his place is the most even-tempered proxy ever. How can anyone, even Rivers, hate the Neckbeard? He’s just a sloppy looking affable drunk (unlike Cutler’s surly drunkeness) who game manages teams to minor success.

It’s just not the same to have Rivers’ nemesis sulking it up in another conference. It’s like making The Joker fight Aquaman. Sure, in the end, one of them still dies, but where’s the dramatic conflict?

“Whatever. I don’t care. Pink binkie is all the friends I need.”

Last year, Josh McDaniels was tasked with making Matt Cassel look like an adequate quarterback, and by employing the daring strategy of exploiting a stacked receiving corps, he was able to accomplish just that. Having done so, it was certainty that some foolish team would be willing to let him run their team into the ground. That team turned out to be the Broncos. As with so many of his other underqualified underlings, Bill Belichick was content to let him out into the world to destroy another franchise’s hopes at competency. But McDaniels has stubbornly flouted the established Belichick disciple model and found a measure of success (or at least taken the credit for the success Mike Nolan’s defense has gotten him). Is McDaniels crazy enough to try to beat his former master. Knowest he nothing of fealty? Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Fine, fine. We’ve had a enjoyable few months using Josh McDaniels as a comedic punching bag around these parts. But the smug little bastard might actually have the slightest (ever-so-tenuous) grasp on what he’s doing. BUT I STILL WANT TO SMACK THE SMUG OFF HIS FACE AND MAKE THE SMUG SIT ON THE BENCH AND WATCH THE BRONCOS FAIL! Nevertheless, the lesson, as always, is that the Cowboys can out-implode anybody.

[Thanks to commenter Greg Olsen is Making Me Sexist for the tip]

A neckbeard-less Neckbeard made his first appearance in a Broncos uniform Saturday Friday and marked the occasion with three particularly ugly interceptions in one half of action against the 49ers. And Seahawks fans continue lustily salivating over their all-too-easily acquired no. 1 pick in next year’s draft.

/it’s funny because Jay Cutler was only marginally better in his debut with the Bears.

This asshole Childress. This bald Mr. Noodle motherfucker. This cumstachioed cockbin.

This was to be the Offseason of McDaniels!

I was gonna set fire to franchise and watch that fucker burn to cinders with all the world cackling right along with me. I was to set the new gold standard in head coaching sabotage. It was to be mine and mine alone. I forced out a young franchise QB because I pined for fucking Matt Cassel, tried to smooth it over, then made it clear I still wanted Cassel. Then I didn’t do shit to address the defense, which was the problem in the first place.

I EVEN DEVELOPED THE SUPERAIDS

But in one fell swoop, it’s all been taken away from me. [Rubs eyes frantically] The Offseason of McDaniels has become the Offseason of Favre just. like. that. All my tireless work…squandered. I have to admit, it was a masterstroke, Childress. Bringing in a mortal franchise enemy, one who has nothing left in the tank, to helm your frustrated franchise. Gotta hand it to ya. That impressed even me. But you’re a one-trick pony, Childress.

Indeed. All is not lost. I can get the forces on chaos back on my side. A little more handiwork is just the ticket. I…I have it in me. No one licks Crazytrain McDaniels. Oh no.

DON’T THINK I CAN’T SIGN MICHAEL VICK AND PLAXICO

AND DONTE STALLWORTH AND MAURICE CLARETT

AND FUCK IT JEFF GEORGE

OH I CAN DO IT

I’M JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO TRY

[Hyperventilates]

But that’s not all. You know how we gotta trot out those cunt ugly throwbacks for two games this season?

Yeah, the ones that make us look like a fucking Tecmo Bowl team. How’s about we make these babies permanent? That’ll drive our merch sales through the fucking floor. I mean, I know the Broncos already have ugly fucking jerseys, but look at these goddamn things. Mustard and brown. Think of the humiliation potential. It’s staggering.

That’s right. I didn’t even bother to swap out the Cutler jersey. In fact, I think I’ll make EVERY SINGLE PLAYER ON THE TEAM WEAR THE CUTLER JERSEY! And check out that shit-eating grin. You think you got one half that off-putting in you? I’d like to see it. You think you got that in ya? Do ya? You ain’t got shit.

Oh, you thought I was done?

We take it away naming rights for stadium away from Invesco.

No more Invesco Field at Mile High

Now: Raiders Stadium at Fuck You Denver

I can make it happen.

I just brought the noise, Brad.

Let’s see you headline every SportsCenter now.

[Stares wide-eyed at you for three minutes without speaking]

Last week, we solicited reactions from “disgruntled” Broncos fans regarding the Cutler-McDaniels saga and the quarterback’s trade to the Bears. And now we will share them with you because we didn’t read half of them found them enthralling. Let the bellyaching and recriminations commence!

Oh, “disgruntled?” You think that’s a good enough word? Cutlersulker may be a crybaby unprofessional dickless Cutlersulker (emphasis on the sulker), but Josh McDaniels is the motherfucking antichrist as far as I’m concerned. He needs to die in a fire yesterday. Jesus FUCKING Christ. And it’s not necessarily about the trade itself that I’m upset about, really. I guess we got pretty OK value… not really. But it’s not horrible. Two of those three first day picks will pan out, and will provide value which ends up being kind of decent. Neckdrunk will be half as good as Cutler. Net effect: probably close to zero. But what has my eyeball veins ready to explode is how McDaniels has walked in here like he’s Dick McHugeballs and just acted like making these moves is no big deal. Shopping a fast-developing local hero for a one season wonder just because he (McDaniels) used to work with said one season wonder? No big deal, I’m Josh McDaniels. It’s all going to work out. Not setting things right with said local hero, and instead basically shitting on his face and telling him I don’t care who the fuck he is? No big deal, I’m Josh McDaniels. It’s all going to work out. Fucking fuck. Fucking shitfuck. I’m glad he’s established how awesome and smart he is during his first two months of employment. I was really getting worried for a second there that he wouldn’t totally dismantle the team and trade our franchise QB. Assface. The best part for me personally? I went to Notre Dame, and have now suffered through two years of Charlie Weis’s tardfuckery. Thanks, Belichick. Thanks for being such a gargantuan cock-in-the-ass that you not only manage to turn the entire country against your own franchise, but also manage by way of your completely incompetent minions to ruin the two teams I care about most. You’ve really outdone yourself this time. Go tackle a bus, you fun-ruining cuntswabber.

Christ. I hate football.

Any rant about any subject that devolves into a tirade about Bill Belichick is quality in my eyes.

Get the fuck outta here! Really… fucking orton, he’s trash. Cutler was the only good thing going for denver last year… defense sucked… running game sucked… matt prayter… awful, yet cutler got us 8 games. this is utter bullshit.

signed
- bronco fan

An example of the very rare no-caps Internet sports rant.

Neckbeard>diabetes.

Try telling that to Michael Silver!

Speaking for the Neckbeard Army — and yes, I’m the pudgy one in the middle of that picture there — tonight is a night of mourning.

~ Chris of the Neckbeard Army

Not technically a Broncos fan, but one does not wisely deny the request of white girls throwing gang signs.

What’s up guys,

PS — A few weeks back, some poor sap wrote in saying he was having trouble getting a stiffie for fun times with his lady friend. Your advice of calming down, taking his time, and getting a little drunk was certainly reasonable. However, you might want to warn him that if he doesn’t get over his shyness, he should see a urologist. Psychogenic erectile dysfunction, the medical term for what he’s experiencing, is a very benign, treatable condition. But if it persists for more than two years without treatment, it is very likely to become permanent — so even with Viagra, he’d be left in the lurch.

Wait. How’d that get mixed up in there? Ah well.

I need to vent. I mean, the best and most important player on my team got traded and now all we have is Kyle Orton. Fuck me. In honor of having the Neckbeard, I’m drinking tonight. I have to work tomorrow but I don’t fucking care. It’s not every day that your team gets Kyle Orton for its best player. God damn it.

Chad

I’ll gladly take neckbeard over Cutler at this point. I want someone who wants to play.
A BRONCOS FAN!

Orton wants to play? I was under the impression he was just GONE DRANK!

As a lifelong Denver fan (having had some of the 78 Broncos sign a mini football for me while I was still in the stroller) I’m thrilled that the Bucking Broncs traded Cutler (aka the Whiny Bitch, or WB for short) for two 1st’s, a 3rd and the artist formerly, currently, and futurely (did I just make up a word?) known as the Drunk Beard. See my long form explanation at http://jsrts.blogspot.com. Would love a link, great work you do!

J.

Yes, but did the Broncos run a train on you like they did to Cartman’s mom?

As a lifelong Bronco fan, I come to share this venting and perspective.

starksgotejected

/not even gonna pretend like he read all of that

Josh McDaniels: It may not have been under the best of circumstances, but all things considered, I know we’re gonna have a great season together. I wouldn’t've traded for you if I didn’t think you were up to the task. If things shake out right, I think we could have a real monumental season. Shock some people. Really shake things up.

Kyle Orton: Cool, man. Glad to be, y’know, helping out the cause and junk.

Josh McDaniels: Not that there won’t be difficulties…

Kyle Orton: [Urp] No doubt. Learning a new [Urp] system. Always tough.

Josh McDaniels: For one, we’ve had some problems on the defensive side of the ball.

Kyle Orton: Oh yeah. Totally.

Josh McDaniels: And the running game could use some work.

Kyle Orton: [Urp] I hear that.

Josh McDaniels: But really, your main concern right off the bat is…

Kyle Orton: Yeah?

Josh McDaniels: It is, well, it is…

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddaaaayyyyyyy!

Josh McDaniels: It’s that guy.

Rivers: You better believe I’m your main concern YA BEARDY TWAT! I ALREADY RAN ONE CUTLERFUCKER OUT OF TOWN! AND HE WAS TWICE THE SHITTY QUARTERBACK YOU ARE! HE SULKED UNTIL HE COULD SULK NO MORE! THEN THEY PUT HIM ON THE FIRST TRAIN TO THE WINDY SULKY CITY FULL OF MIDWESTERN TWO-CHINNED LUMBERING SAUSAGEWITS! AND NOW YOU’RE STANDING ON THE TRACKS AND THE LASER’S COMING THROUGH!

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? SHAVE YOUR FUCKING NECKGINA!

Rivers: You in some catatonic case? You can’t make out what I’m saying to you? ARE YOU FUCKING MENTALLY DEFICIENT? ARE YOU COCKTUALLY BEREFT!? ALL SIGNS POINT TO FUCK YES!

Orton: This guy…check out this guy. [Urp] He’s kinda funny.

Rivers: I’m a funny guy to you, Beardo? Perhaps you’ll change your mind about my funnin’ ways once I whip the AFC West sweeping dick out. THE HUMOR IS LESS ENJOYABLE WHEN IT SPOOGES IN YOUR EYE!

Orton: So long as I can get Fat Tire, you can sweep anything you want with anybody’s dick.

Rivers: Sulk, goddammit! SULK LIKE A PUSSY BRONCO QUARTERBACK SHOULD! What’s this complacent shit!? You can’t get get beyond the mind games. Your devastated psyche will show!

Orton: [Downs bottle of Bulleit Bourbon] Yeah. You’ff… probabee right about the weather…Gonna rain tomorrow or some schizz [passes out]

Rivers: Can it be? Can I actually be missing the Cutlerfucker? NO! THERE ARE ALWAYS SENSITIVE NINNIES TO BERATE!

Orton:[Urp] It could be. Stranger things have [vomits]

Rivers: Hey! [Pokes with cock] HEY! Get the fuck up! What’s the use without the abuse!?

Josh McDaniels: Since he’s out…uh, any chance I can swing a trade for you?

With the continued deterioration of the Jay Cutler situation in Denver, I’m honestly surprised I haven’t seen more of an effort by the Broncos’ front office to make amends with Cutler.  I haven’t seen this lit up in klieg lights and broadcast across the Internet yet, so I just wanted to be the first to ask Pat Bowlen and Josh McDaniels…

HOLY SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED???

As any moron who’s seen a football game knows, the single most important position for a team is quarterback.  And at any given time, there are only about 15, maybe 20 people ON THE ENTIRE PLANET who can effectively lead an NFL offense without egregiously fucking up several times a game.  Of those, there are perhaps four or five whose skill and decision-making abilities regularly elevate the team to win games it would otherwise lose.

If Cutler isn’t yet at that top tier, he has at least demonstrated the potential to soon get there.

Cutler is only 25.  He has started only two full seasons.  Last season, as the famed Denver running attack was decimated by injuries, Cutler completed 62.3% of his passes for over 4500 yards (third in the NFL), 25 TDs, and 18 INTs.  And for those who might point out that his 86.0 passer rating was only 16th in the NFL, I would counter that (a) Seneca Wallace and Shaun Hill had higher ratings, so (b) passer rating is about as useful as LaDainian in the playoffs.

A better indicator might be this: only Drew Brees had more passing attempts than Cutler’s 616, yet Cutler was sacked only 11 times all season.  Kerry Collins, who captained a run-first offense and didn’t even start until Vince Young’s mental collapse, was the only starting quarterback who was sacked fewer times.  (Matt Cassel, the guy McDaniels wanted: one point better in passing percentage, and 47 sacks).  Perhaps some of that explains why Cutler was the fifth-best quarterback in the league according to Football Outsiders’ DYAR.

My point is, Jesus CHRIST I would LOVE to have this guy taking snaps for my team for the next 7 years.  And so would Vikings fans.  And Jets fans.  And Titans fans.  And Raiders fans.  And any of the other teams who are living with Trent Edwards.  Kyle Orton.  Fucking Dan Orlovsky.

This shit blows my mind.  Do they not realize how rare and wonderful a real, live, young, GOOD quarterback is?  Hell, Ben Roethlisberger’s won two Super Bowls, and Pittsburgh fans are still justifiably terrified when he holds on to the ball for more than three seconds.

And why would the Lions or the Seahawks or anyone else risk drafting Matthew Stafford — a great prospect, but obviously unproven — with their #1 pick when they could trade that pick and some other parts for a rare proven commodity?

/breathes into paper bag

Am I crazy?  Is Cutler’s lack of personality THAT big of a deal?  Is his diabetes going to go off the charts and end his career?  Has he been beating Brandon Marshall’s girlfriend too?  What the hell am I missing?

Josh McDaniels: All right, things are a bit strained with Cutler at the moment, but I think we can smooth things over if we just talk to the guy some, explain where we were coming from. These players forgive a lot easier than they let on.

Pat Bowlen: Remember, son, you gotta handle this guy with the kid gloves sometimes.

Josh McDaniels: Gotcha.

Pat Bowlen: Walk on eggshells…

Josh McDaniels: Okay.

Pat Bowlen: Weigh your words…

Josh McDaniels: All these phrases mean the same thing.

Pat Bowlen: Just make the call, smartass.

[Phone rings]

Jay Cutler: [Exhales] Yeah?

Josh McDaniels: Hey Jay. Been a crazy couple weeks, right? [Forced laugh] I know you’re none too happy with me, or the organizational the moment, so I wanted us to clear the air some.

Cutler: Fine. Whatever. I don’t care. Did you trade me yet?

Bus Cook: Hope you guys don’t mind if I get in on this call, too.

Josh McDaniels: Hey Bus. No, Jay. This organization has made it clear that we will not be trading you.

[Hits speaker phone button]

…unless Matt Cassel becomes available again!

[Gives thumbs up to Bowlen]

Pat Bowlen: That wasn’t the mute button, Josh.

Josh McDaniels: … Goddammit.

Bus Cook: Lemme just step in here a moment, fellas. I know you can’t see it over the phone, but my client just got a little bit more despondent about his current situation. I think we’re closing in on the point where we might want to consider parting ways.

Josh McDaniels: Okay, okay. I know we should have been more forthcoming about our intentions. The move for Cassel wasn’t an indictment of your abilities, Jay. It only speaks to the comfort level of a quarterback I’ve worked with in the past.

Jay Cutler: Whatever. Still tried to trade me.

Josh McDaniels: This is true, but isn’t it also true that you were putting out feelers for a trade before that point?

Jay Cutler: Nuh-uh!

Josh McDaniels: Yes you did. Other team executives have confirmed this.

Jay Cutler: They lie!

Josh McDaniels: Let’s be adults here, Jay.

Bus Cook: This isn’t doing any good for my client’s outlook, gentlemen.

Pat Bowlen: Hold up for a second, Josh. Look, Jay, this is a business, son, we’re looking for our interests as you do yours. You got an ax to grind with us? Well, hell, can’t do hell of a lot about that. But we gotta be mature here. We still got ourselves a job to do, y’hear?

Jay Cutler: Can’t you trade me? I don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna!

Pat Bowlen: LISTEN YOU SNIVELING LITTLE COCKDRIP, YEAH, WE TRIED TO TRADE YOU! YEAH, YOU WANTED TO BE TRADED BEFORE THAT! WE BOTH DONE WRONG BY ONE ANOTHER! GROW A SACK AND ACCEPT THAT FACT THAT BUSINESS DECISIONS ARE NOT A PERSONAL AFFRONT TO YOU! YOU WANT A TRADE? TOUGH TITTY, BOY!

Bus Cook: Now you done it. I hope you’re happy. He’s gonna be in that emotional shell for months.

Pat Bowlen: Get Elway on the phone.

Jay Cutler: [Sniffs] He forced a trade once.

Pat Bowlen: YOU COULDN’T FORCE A TRADE HALF AS GOOD AS ELWAY!