During Peyton Manning’s introductory press conference with the Broncos, John Elway was asked whether Denver has a “plan B” if Pey-Pey succumbs to NeckAIDS or some other affliction during the year. To that, Elway flashed his horsey teeth and let loose a mighty whinny of laughter. So, famous last words for when Peyton flames out horribly.

You could also consider this a hefty Tebow burn, but then Teebs never wants to be associated with any such Plan Bs. Ha ha, it’s funny because people have divergent opinions on when human life begins.

They say Jeebus works His troll magic in mysterious ways. And verily, Teebs wuz mad.

As much as it pains Peter King and myself that the latest Peyton Manning developments have diverted attention from the oh-so harrowing Jim McMahon “Outside the Lines” interview, it’s impossible to disregard a worldwide pant-sh*tting of the highest order. And such it has been with the Peyton news fallout.

Vegas has already installed the Broncos at 10:1 odds to win the Super Bowl, which is the fifth best in the NFL. The company formerly known as Bodog has Denver’s win total over/under at 10. Manning’s new teammates are thrilled; Ryan Clady told ESPN that Peyton is “just better than Tebow” which is true, but he is also NeckAIDs-ier than Tebow.

John Clayton is stoking rumors that the Broncos may trade Tebow to the Patriots, thus combining the greatest known trolling forces in the NFL today, Timmy Teebs and Tom Brady, to form the most unstoppable force in all of modern troll geniusdom. No one would be safe from their provocation prowess. We’d be forever engulfed in shock and outrage. It’d be like if Mark Wahlberg and Marilyn Hagerty made a run for the White House.

Since we’re on the subject of trolling, it is Simmons’ stock-in-trade and he is forever committed to it.

Now I want him to go to the Patriots just so idiots will call for Brady to be benched to make way for the Runslinger.

This raises the question of what will be best outcome for the purposes of KSK schadenfreude: is it Peyton easily surpassing Tebow, winning 10+ games and taking Denver deep into the playoffs? (That said, still hopefully not all the way to a title) Or would we be more satisfied with a total Pey-Pey flameout? The Tebowtards would be emboldened, to be sure, but it would hilariously set Denver back quite a ways and also make it possible for the city of Denver to turn on John Elway in wholly malicious ways. That alone is such a tantalizing possibility that I can barely consider any other option.

And so we begin our sad lurch into the off-season, where the best hope for news beyond the future of Peyton Manning is draft speculation and player misdeeds. Lucky for us, a nice example of the latter has already come our way. Here’s the report from TMZ minus the half dozen unnecessary ellipses:

Denver Broncos running back Knowshon Moreno was arrested for drunk driving in Denver earlier this month and in an ironic twist of fate, cops say the license plate on his ride read “SAUCED.”

Police say Moreno smelled like booze and when he performed poorly on a field sobriety test, they arrested him for DUI.

First losing his starting job to Willis McGahee and now this. Oh please, Tebow, deliver your teammate from his dependency on alcohol and police-baiting license plates.

Tebow played well. Or the Steelers defense was extra sh*tty. I’m inclined the say the former. The Steelers stacked the box and dared his holiness to throw deep and, with the help of Demaryius Thomas batting off Ike Taylor in coverage, he was able to do just that. Once Pittsburgh tied it late, I expected the Broncos to grind out an overtime drive that would end in a record-setting 70-yard overtime field goal by Matt Prater, only for Shaun Suisham to miss on a 30-yard potential tying kick. This was a lot quicker, at least.

[Bombarded by "Tebow 3:16 passed for 316 yards" messages as proof that God hates me]

Kind of a shame that Tebow was actually effective, because there was so much to hate about Phil Simms’ covering for the mistakes Tebow did make. Here’s Simms’ flagrant fluffing over Timmy being inaccurate in the first quarter, calling a clear misfire a “good throwaway”.

The Broncos advance to play New England, who Denver will likely lose to by 30 once again. The AFC divisional playoffs are going to be unwatchable blowouts, but at least the media will have a lot to gush about in the run-up to them. So that’s nice. Maybe Prater can do another of his deflections off the crossbar that lands on the 20. It’ll be his way of parting rubes from their dollars and women from their panties in his post-NFL life.

Who will more visibly venerate the Lord through on-field piety: Tebow Tebowing or Polamalu crossing himself after every play? Or will it be a surprise entrant? Like Demariyus Thomas showering the front row in communion wafers following a score?

Peter King says that the Steelers are the better team were they to meet in Wichita, but Tebow has invoked his evangelical warlock sorcery to bring Pittsburgh low, making The Ben and LaMarr Woodley gimpy, taking out Maurkice Pouncey and Rashard Mendenhall, and inflicting lifelong sickle cell on Ryan Clark. Now conditions are ripe for possible postseason Tebow Time, the legend of which will be passed down through the ages, but only after it has been altered to suit the whims of kings and other lords who will rewrite it every few generations.

There was a time when it was The Ben who was the young QB irritating people with vocal statements about his faith. You might recall that the NFL wanted to fine Roethlisberger $10,000 for writing PFJ (PRAY FER JEEBUS) on his shoes before every game his 2004 rookie season. Oh, how Benjamin changed where he strayed from the flock into the land of body shots and rapeyness. Such a shame. We can only hope for similar identity killing lapses out of Tebowmania.

Hours before the game, Jay Glazer reported that the Broncos might use Brady Quinn on critical 3rd downs, which might be proof of the existence of a benevolent God who enjoys our laughter.

Let’s do this, Rex. First order of business: BOUNTIES. A fresh whore to the man who supplies a Tebow part ripped clean from his body. Gotta settle for Jenn Sterger if you only draw blood.

[Bays for blood while beating knife and fork against kitchen table]

Oh, you shut up, Breer. We only like you because you serve as a handy counterexample to Peter King’s overpowering nutmeg-scented laziness. Don’t you start telling us things we don’t want to hear. “OMG HOW DO WE PREPARE FOR A QB WHO ONLY COMPLETES TWO PASSES A GAME?! PLEASE, JUST GIVE US ’07 BRADY INSTEAD. ANYTHING BUT THAT!”

“Let’s live blog two.” – Some baseball asshole

Presenting the regular season debut of Ocho with the Pats. The first appearance of the tired husk of Larry Johnson with Miami. Mostly likely Reggie Bush’s first five fumbles with the Dolphins.

Oh yeah, and there’s a late game. Maybe if six Broncos quarterbacks get hurt, maybe Tebow will play.

When you think of me, Tim Tebow, I want you to think of one thing: hustle and determination. I want you to think of my love for the game of football and my prediliction for Filipino foreskin. I want you to think of leadership. And now, all of those qualities and more can be delivered right to your door with the new Tim Tebow statue, featuring me. Tim Tebow.

That’s me with the ball.

For the low low price of twelve thousand dollars, you can order a life-sized statue of me! Tim Tebow, playing the game in the way that countless obese caucasian jouralists would swear it was meant to be played. Look at how I’m pointing my finger at nothing in particular. That’s showing leadership. If my teammates had statues, those statues would see how much my statue cared about them.

Wait a second. This says the statue is only fifteen inches tall. Sorry about that.

But that is not all. If you act now, you will receive a copy of my memoir, Through My Eyes. It is the greatest memoir allegedly written by a 23-year-old that you will ever read. You will enjoy the countless tales of leadership and hustle and determination and caring and foreskin. That book is yours with a purchase of the statue, since we can only sell so many of these at church.

I want to apologize again for incorrectly describing the size of the statue. I take my preparation very seriously and I will do better the next time someone decides to mass-market any sculpture of my likeness. I think you will have a much easier time with a smaller statue than a life-sized statue anyway, especially since I don’t think shipping is included.

I want to apologize for not being aware of the shipping costs associated with this product. I will look into that and get back to you right away.

Thank you and Godbless.

“AND I MEAN THAT IN THE MOST PROFESSIONAL WAY.” The Denver Broncos will be sending one player to Miami for this year’s Pro Bowl, and it isn’t Tim Tebow. Wide receiver Brandon Lloyd will represent the disappointing AFC West franchise in Miami for America’s Favorite Exhibition Game, and he accepted the honor in the most gracious way. When asked if he had a message for the Redskins, 49ers and Bears–three of Lloyd’s former teams–he responded, “I want to say, ‘F–k you.’ And I mean that in the most professional way.” Subtle. I can’t wait until Lloyd’s out of football and gets a real job. He’d be a natural in human resources.