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Last week, we solicited reactions from “disgruntled” Broncos fans regarding the Cutler-McDaniels saga and the quarterback’s trade to the Bears. And now we will share them with you because we didn’t read half of them found them enthralling. Let the bellyaching and recriminations commence!

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Josh McDaniels: It may not have been under the best of circumstances, but all things considered, I know we’re gonna have a great season together. I wouldn’t've traded for you if I didn’t think you were up to the task. If things shake out right, I think we could have a real monumental season. Shock some people. Really shake things up.

Kyle Orton: Cool, man. Glad to be, y’know, helping out the cause and junk.

Josh McDaniels: Not that there won’t be difficulties…

Kyle Orton: [Urp] No doubt. Learning a new [Urp] system. Always tough.

Josh McDaniels: For one, we’ve had some problems on the defensive side of the ball.

Kyle Orton: Oh yeah. Totally.

Josh McDaniels: And the running game could use some work.

Kyle Orton: [Urp] I hear that.

Josh McDaniels: But really, your main concern right off the bat is…

Kyle Orton: Yeah?

Josh McDaniels: It is, well, it is…

[Door flies open]

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What Makes Jay Drink? ProFootballTalk points out that the following passage was hastily removed from a story by a Denver FOX affiliate on Jay Cutler’s disharmonious relationship with the Broncos: “The source said there are concerns about Cutler’s consumption of alcohol, and ‘that he’s not that sharp. That scared the crap out of McDaniels,’ the source said.” If true, it means Cutler could have been deceiving all of us with the diabeetus bidness. We’ll have to check with our sedulous army of spies in case one spots him eating a slice of chocolate raspberry truffle at The Cheesecake Factory.

With the continued deterioration of the Jay Cutler situation in Denver, I’m honestly surprised I haven’t seen more of an effort by the Broncos’ front office to make amends with Cutler.  I haven’t seen this lit up in klieg lights and broadcast across the Internet yet, so I just wanted to be the first to ask Pat Bowlen and Josh McDaniels…

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Josh McDaniels: All right, things are a bit strained with Cutler at the moment, but I think we can smooth things over if we just talk to the guy some, explain where we were coming from. These players forgive a lot easier than they let on.

Pat Bowlen: Remember, son, you gotta handle this guy with the kid gloves sometimes.

Josh McDaniels: Gotcha.

Pat Bowlen: Walk on eggshells…

Josh McDaniels: Okay.

Pat Bowlen: Weigh your words…

Josh McDaniels: All these phrases mean the same thing.

Pat Bowlen: Just make the call, smartass.

[Phone rings]

Jay Cutler: [Exhales] Yeah?

Josh McDaniels: Hey Jay. Been a crazy couple weeks, right? [Forced laugh] I know you’re none too happy with me, or the organizational the moment, so I wanted us to clear the air some.

Cutler: Fine. Whatever. I don’t care. Did you trade me yet?

Bus Cook: Hope you guys don’t mind if I get in on this call, too.

Josh McDaniels: Hey Bus. No, Jay. This organization has made it clear that we will not be trading you.

[Hits speaker phone button]

…unless Matt Cassel becomes available again!

[Gives thumbs up to Bowlen]

Pat Bowlen: That wasn’t the mute button, Josh.

Josh McDaniels: … Goddammit.

Bus Cook: Lemme just step in here a moment, fellas. I know you can’t see it over the phone, but my client just got a little bit more despondent about his current situation. I think we’re closing in on the point where we might want to consider parting ways.

Josh McDaniels: Okay, okay. I know we should have been more forthcoming about our intentions. The move for Cassel wasn’t an indictment of your abilities, Jay. It only speaks to the comfort level of a quarterback I’ve worked with in the past.

Jay Cutler: Whatever. Still tried to trade me.

Josh McDaniels: This is true, but isn’t it also true that you were putting out feelers for a trade before that point?

Jay Cutler: Nuh-uh!

Josh McDaniels: Yes you did. Other team executives have confirmed this.

Jay Cutler: They lie!

Josh McDaniels: Let’s be adults here, Jay.

Bus Cook: This isn’t doing any good for my client’s outlook, gentlemen.

Pat Bowlen: Hold up for a second, Josh. Look, Jay, this is a business, son, we’re looking for our interests as you do yours. You got an ax to grind with us? Well, hell, can’t do hell of a lot about that. But we gotta be mature here. We still got ourselves a job to do, y’hear?

Jay Cutler: Can’t you trade me? I don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna!

Pat Bowlen: LISTEN YOU SNIVELING LITTLE COCKDRIP, YEAH, WE TRIED TO TRADE YOU! YEAH, YOU WANTED TO BE TRADED BEFORE THAT! WE BOTH DONE WRONG BY ONE ANOTHER! GROW A SACK AND ACCEPT THAT FACT THAT BUSINESS DECISIONS ARE NOT A PERSONAL AFFRONT TO YOU! YOU WANT A TRADE? TOUGH TITTY, BOY!

Bus Cook: Now you done it. I hope you’re happy. He’s gonna be in that emotional shell for months.

Pat Bowlen: Get Elway on the phone.

Jay Cutler: [Sniffs] He forced a trade once.

Pat Bowlen: YOU COULDN’T FORCE A TRADE HALF AS GOOD AS ELWAY!

LEATHERFACE IS GONE! After only having choked away playoff appearances the past three years, Mike Shanahan was let go by the Broncos today, leaving Cutlerfucker without a stringent taskmaster. Just another place for rumors to swirl about Bill Cowher and Scott Pioli.

Brandon Marshall: Look at this shit. All these fans wolfing down their greasy-ass food and I gotta stationary bike like a sucker. Makes a guy wanna put his fist through a giant flatscreen. That’s it, I gotta make a food run after this game.

Jay Cutler: Shit! Looks like Jacksonville is about to take the lead. We gotta come out strong on this drive. There are only about six minutes left. We might not get another shot. Brandon? I’ve noticed your production slipping, B-Marsh. 18 catches in your first game. 10 in the last two. What’s going on? Talk to me. Brandon. Brandon!

Marshall: Hole up. Putting a McD’s takeout order together. What’m I putting you down for? You look like one a’ them fish fillet motherfuckers.

Cutler: Get your head in the game! THIS ISN’T JUST ABOUT YOU! GOTTA HANDLE THE BUSINESS! YOU KNOW, THE BUSINESS AT HAND! I’M JUST TRYING TO RAP AT YOU, MY MAIN MAN! WE GOT TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT! Fuck, I can’t do this, I came from Indiana. Yeah, fish fillet’ll do just fine. How’d you know?

Marshall: All you quarterbacks love your mayonnaise.

Cutler: What’s wrong with mayonnaise?

Andre Hall: A’yo: Did I hear you right? Are you planning on making a food run after the game?

Marshall: Yessir.

Hall: Could I perhaps prevail upon you to go to Sonic?

Marshall: Can’t be hearing that.

Hall: C’mon dog.

Marshall: Can’t be hearing it.

Hall: One time.

Marshall: Can’t do it.

Hall: Dog, I’m on a running back co-mit-tee. That means everything we running backs do, we got to put to a vote. Let me make one executive decision.

Marshall: I feel for you. I really do. This ain’t the situation for taking the flyer.

Hall: How ’bout I throw you five?

Marshall: Keep going.

Hall: More than five? That’s steep.

Marshall: Price of living.

Hall: All right, all right. 10. 10 sound good?

Marshall: Good enough. What they got at Sonic?

Hall: Fuck if I know. Commercials are funny as shit.

Marshall: You’re killing me.

Hall: I know you’ve seen ‘em.

Marshall: Killing me.

Hall: Folks in the car? Making funny talk. The girl who looks like a bird? The dudes from every Comedy Central show?

Marshall: [Feigns choking motion] Dead.

Hall: Fine. ‘Least gimme my 10 back.

Marshall: ‘Nah dude. This covering drinks. Bad suggestion means your cash is forfeit.

Hall: You got my apple pie in there, though, right? ‘CAUSE I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME! NO! NO IT’S NOT TIME FOR YOU TO TAKE THE FIELD. Goddamn it.

As per the usual this time of year, there is something amiss about the unforeseen occupants atop the standings. Certainly some of that is natural turnover from year to year, while others are simply enjoying a fleeting stay before their return to mediocrity. But which is which? We welcome a representative from each of the surprising 2-0 teams to make the case as to why they are here to stay. (more…)

The subject of this video is Broncofan1990, who is either a young fan of the Denver NFL franchise, or the test tube lovechild of Kige Ramsey and a Chinese otter. Broncofan set out on youtube to share some insights about his favorite team. Turns out that, unlike the dapper Kentuckian Kige, this guy’s commentary was not so well-received:

The kid was true to his word.

There’s no shit anywhere on youtube now for “Broncfn90,” but the legacy lives on.

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