Jinx says New England can’t lose, and if Jinx says it you know it’s true! Jinx!

I hate making homer bets the way conservative politicians hate hot stinky man-ass. But sometimes the urge for that sweet sweet action builds inside of you like a a benign tumor. Last week I tempted fate and bet against the Patriots for the first time this season. Of course I did it because I’m a pathetic fucking homer who should know better by now. There was no way that my Redskins could lose by such an expansive margin as 17 points!

Yep, I’m a dipshit…but at least I’m not Gregg Williams. Fuck that guy. After all, I did profit off of the three other investments.

Fortunately all of that is behind us. It’s a new week and I’m ready to get back with the Rent Checks Patriots.

New England -6 at Indianapolis
(Risking 100 to win 91)

The Colts are playing as well as ever having won twelve straight. They’ve enjoyed a great deal of recent success against the team they are hosting…and they’re getting six points. It’s unfuckingreal when you think about it, but that’s all meaningless right now. New England is the hot shit and everybody knows that they’re untouchable.

They remind me of the aliens at the beginning of Independence Day. They don’t seem to worry about anything, they just chill up in the stratosphere and blow shit up on a whim. You can throw all you have at them if you so choose, but it will just blow up in your face. What we need is a Jeff Goldblum. Some brilliant scientific mind who can send a virus through their impenetrable defenses. Unfortunately Tony Dungy is not a man of science, he’s a man of god. He probably doesn’t even believe in aliens.

I hope that this jinx and my monetary sacrifice will appease the Gods and bring about the downfall of New England…but I’d also take the money (if they win and don’t cover the Potomac will run red with kitten blood).

Lighten the Mood Parlay!
(Risk 25 to win 153)

Washington -4 at New York Jets
They aren’t that bad. Are they?

Buffalo +1 vs. Cincinnati
If these two cities didn’t have NFL franchises would you even know they existed?

Cleveland -1.5 vs. Seattle
All hail Horse Balls.

Enjoy your weekend.

Welcome to the latest installment of Always Be Covering.

I’ve just returned from week out of town and I’m still trying to get caught up on my shit. Last week’s failed teaser (imagine, a failed teaser!) and successful single bet (thanks Dreamboat, fuck you Matt Cassell) left me with a relatively even bankroll but I went and got greedy. After losing another late teaser (I’m firm in my belief that the Philadelphia Eagles should be lit on fire) Things were looking ugly, so I decided to go heavy on the Steelers. That was the second worst thing to happen to me on Sunday night (the sliding glass door to the hotel balcony locked behind me…i don’t want to talk about it), but thank Jesus for the Indianapolis Colts (and that woman who heard my cries of desperation). I won the straight-up bet and the first half Colts/Under teaser to put me up roughly $13 for the week. That’s the kind of comeback that will keep me in Dockers forever!

Let’s get on with these picks, I have a full DVR to catch up on over here.

All bets are for $25 dollars, all of the remaining money will likely be squandered on college football games.

Cleveland -3 (-115) at St. Louis
Stephen Jackson says he’s playing, so I’m already a bit nervous. I mean yeah, the Browns have done quite nicely in the department of coverage, but they’re still the fucking Browns.

Indianapolis -7 at Carolina
Who plays quarterback for Carolina? You know what, nevermind, I don’t really give a shit.

Pittsburgh Steelers -4 at Cincinnati
I have never spelled Cincinnati correctly in my entire life, then again, I think Babes In Toyland is more than a little bit Kevin Spacey. The Queen City? I thought as much. I think Steely McBeem is a top.

Washington +17 -115 at New England
STUPID FUCKING HOMER BET ALERT! Or is it ?(probably) I’ve bet on the Pats every single week this season so it’s been easy to tell what’s going on here. They kept covering so Vegas kept raising the spreads. Now they’ve gotten to the point where they just toss up 16.5 or 17 (excluding the Dallas game) and up until now it hasn’t been a bad strategy. They’ve probably drawn the ideal 50/50 split amongst bettors who thought teams like Buffalo and Miami would hang. But now the Pats are playing an actual team (disclaimer: team may not have actual coach) with a defense rated in at or near the top of the league in every relevant category. I’m not saying that I’m picking my Skins to win outright, but Jesus fucking Siddhartha, they’re certainly more capable than the incompetent pussybaskets of the AFC East.

…that song blows

You want I should loan you some money?

Welcome back for the Week 7 edition of Always Be Covering.

So it’s the week every gambler dreads, the first week that he has to dip into his financial reserves. Personally, I took advantage of Drew’s past generosity by cashing in a few of the barrybonds he got me last Christmas (I can overlook gentile gift-giving assuming said gift has hard cash value…or chocolate shaped money). Obviously I’ve been a bit reckless with some of my winnings (but I thought teasers always win) so it’s time to tighten up, think conservatively, and just cover baby!

Or not.

Let’s do a fuckin’ teaser instead, they never lose!

The Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ Was a Piece of Shit Bet of the Week
4 Team Teaser (6.5). 50 to win 125

NY Giants -2.5 vs. San Francisco
Trent Dilfer? Check please.

Dallas -3.5 vs. Purple Jesus and Bald Judas
That’s sweeter than Cowgirl pussy, and just as hairless.

Pittsburgh +2.5 at Denver
As if Shanny’s boys didn’t suck before, now Javon’s knee is is getting cut up like a teenager’s milky white thigh. You know what happens next, he’ll refuse to part with the bloody bandage until he spends some time mourning his scar tissue in Vegas.

Washington -2 vs. Arizona
Joe Gibbs doesn’t lose to Arizona at home…ever. For a quick injury report, let’s check in with CBS Sportsline’s fantasy update.

Cardinals QB Kurt Warner has settled on a combination of tape and a brace to hold his injured elbow in place and says he’s feeling good about being able to play Sunday at Washington.

This isn’t your run-of-the-mill bad idea, it’s like the time MIT girl went to the airport wearing an imitation bomb as an art project. Only that girl didn’t have her left forearm torn off by Andre Carter. What do you think Larry Fitz?

“Anytime you hear `tear,’ that’s not good…also I was told there would be crackers.”

Thanks Fitzy!

The Other Bet of Consequence

New England -17 at Miami

Patriots–FUCK YEAH!

Have a good weekend, I know I will.

Welcome back for another fantastic week of Always Be Covering! I’m here to make you enough money to order from Alfredo’s Pizza Cafe instead of eating that crap from Pizza by Alfredo.

Today I come to you as a humbled man, asking for nothing more than a bit of your time.

This isn’t Bruce Nyborg, it’s Gil Gunderson. Bruce Nyborg isn’t real.

Well last week certainly sucked a big hairy moose cock, did it not? Of course I should have seen it coming, the writing was on the wall. Everybody knows that teasers are bets fit for only the most retarded, but last week we learned why that’s the case. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Green Bay Packers. Those worthless fucking pieces of shit were too caught up in the majesty of that stoned fuckhead quarterback to stay within two points of a pathetic Bears team. Fuck you teasers, fuck you right in your chapped ass.

Unfortunately the teaser was merely the final nail in the coffin of last week’s crapapalooza. Ape’s beloved Steelers covered their end of the parlay (despite the glaring absence of Lance and Bruce) but the Texans felt so bad after Trent Green faked his unconsciousness that they let that glorified–yet woefully underpaid–college team cover the spread. Hey Ahman, cut the shit and put on a fucking helmet before I put out a contract on your head (the Jewish mafia isn’t dead, it was just on vacation…in Boca). Still, that was not the biggest disappointment.

Oh you sick fucking Patriots. All season you’ve been my ace in the hole, then I actually place a bet for a relatively significant amount of money and you go and shit the bed like an incontinent invalid. If it weren’t for a last minute defensive touchdown the entire weekend would have been a complete financial meltdown. Those fuckers failed to cover a spread for the first time all year, but at least they managed to earn a push on the 17 point spread. Oh, and fuck everybody that got the game at 16.5. You gloating assholes should go sit on a six-foot bong.

After all that I was left with nothing more than my original $100 investment. Thanks to a couple of tough breaks (fuck the Cowboys, Rockies, and Seminoles…that’s the last time I bet on three of my least favorite teams in the same week) I’ve found myself with just $20 left in the Bodog coffers out of the original hundred I deposited to start of the season. So what does one do when one needs to score big off of a twenty dollar investment? One finds himself some sweet sweet 20/1 action.

The “I Fucking Need This” Parlay of the Week

Here it goes, five teams at $20 to win $400…how can I not win?!?!

Houston +7 (-120) at Jacksonville
Chicago -5 (-120) vs. Minnesota
Philadelphia -3 (-130) at New York Jets
Tennessee +3 (-125) at Tampa Bay
New England -6 (-105) at Dallas

If these fuckers don’t get it done I’m going to have to go back to slinging meth at the local elementary schools.

Got a dream parlay of your own? Feel free to share the wealth in the comment section.

Welcome back for another enlightening edition of Always Be Covering. Once again this week I have invested my own hard-earned (blogging at work) money in each one of the wagers listed below. Follow me if you want to live the good life.

Two straight weeks of profitability have left me drunken on confidence yet bored as shit. My 4-4 day was salvaged on Monday night when the Patriots easily cleared my “Ridiculous Line of the Week” and netted me a cool $40 (just enough to construct a prototype for my Bill Hobochick Halloween costume–bindle not included). This week I’ve decided to abandon the strategy of placing small wagers on half of the games in favor of a parlay and a teaser that will surely leave me looking dumber than Helen Keller with a mouth full of peanut butter.

2 Team Parlay: 28.52 to win 82.84

Pittsburgh -6 vs. Seattle
Houston -6 vs. Miami

I just really like betting on these teams. Both teams are coming off of their first non-covers of the season but they’re both a whole lot better than their opponents. The only way Miami could be any worse is if they brought Dave Wannstedt back into the fold. Ahman Green has been practicing and his step-father just passed away. He would have wanted them to cover. As for the other game–try to stay with me here–Pittsburgh is a lot better than Seattle.

3 Team Teaser (6 points): 60 to win 108

Arizona +2.5 at St. Louis
Indianapolis -4 vs. Tampa Bay
Green Bay +2.5 vs. Chicago

Teasers are really fucking stupid…UNTIL NOW! Look at those fuckin’ lines. Betting on Indy at home for less than a touchdown against a team without their best weapon while betting against Gus Frerotte and Brian Griese? It’s just like that time my golden goose had violent diarrhea after I fed it that violent diarrhea-inducing medicine. Then it died, so I gave it to the homeless.

Of course there is that other bet I might have mentioned…

The line changed a tad, but the bet is still worthwhile. I’ve now increased my bet on New England for the third consecutive week. Now we’re up to a $100 wager, by the end of the season I’ll be living here.

New England -17 vs. Cleveland

In case my earlier explanation was a bit too complex for you I’ve decided to put together a quick visual refresher.

Flow Chart For Success

So there you have it, you can either bet with me and get weed and sex or you can ignore me and die the death of a pauper.

Sure Mr. Belichick, you can have whatever your heart desires!

The New England Patriots are the NFL’s version of blood diamonds, they may be evil and tainted but they’ll make you rich! Richer than astronauts! Do you want to know how you too can actually enjoy the diabolical reign of Belichick and company? Of course you do! How else are you going to pay off your student loans from that semester at DeVry? Follow my three easy steps (plus one fuckin’ complicated step) to success and soon you’ll have a boat filled with gorgeous women like you were some sort of brilliant midget with a twin brother in tow.

1. BET HEAVILY ON THE PATRIOTS POINT SPREAD

2. MASTURBATE FOR 3 HOURS

3. COLLECT YOUR WINNINGS

4. EAT CAVIAR OUT OF A HOOKER’S ASS

Yep, it’s really that easy. Now go sell all of your earthly possessions (yes, your daughter counts) and take the proceeds directly to your offshore bookie of choice.

This week the evil ones take on the crappy dangerous crappy Cleveland Browns and the spread is up at -16.

“But Maj, 16 is waaaay too many points.”

SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING TWAT ROCKET!

There’s absolutely no need to worry. The Pats have yet to win a game by fewer than three touchdowns. You can’t lose!*

So to you New England Patriots, I offer up a cup of coffee. You evil fuckers have proven to be coverers of the highest regard.

*You will almost certainly lose

Welcome to the Week 3 edition of Always Be Covering. As you may be aware, the bulk of my gambling advice should not actually be taken. For the most part everything you read here will be in jest, but not anymore.

Last week I took my picks seriously, and despite some questionable decisions my wagers netted a positively mediocre $24 (life changing money!). It could have been a decent payday but the day was pretty much fucked the minute those Cincinnati cuntslutwhores were run out of the stadium. This week I’m going to be a bit more aggressive. Instead of relying on those retarded parlays, teasers, and props I’m betting half of the league straight up.

I’ve placed $25 dollars on each of the following eight games (risking 200 to win 180)… play along at home if you’re so inclined, but it’s not my fucking fault that you have a gambling problem and crack habit.

Kansas City -3 vs. Minnesota
When I started this feature one of the founding principles involved wagering against one Herman Edwards. It’s served us pretty well to date, and now it’s time to return the favor. I’m putting all of my support behind the awful and winless Chiefs because I don’t think Herm will let them lose to an even crappier team. Is it me or does Brad Childress look like the kind of guy that beats up cheap hookers to blow off steam?

New England -17 vs. Buffalo
The line shot up 2.5 points almost as soon as the game opened. Buffalo’s totally fucked and Belichick is just looking to bend teams over the coffee table and fuck ‘em like a Jersey housewife.

Pittsburgh -9 vs. San Francisco
Steelers be good ‘n shit.

Arizona +8 at Baltimore
Betting against the home favorite? Yep, I’m fuckin’ nutty! Baltimore can eat latkes out of my ass. Ed. note to self: Atone

Jacksonville +3.5 at Denver
That hook could be worth all the money in the world. Remember these two things: Denver is two field goals away from 0-2, and Mike Shanahan is a tampon.

Seattle -3 vs. Cincinnati
Maybe I should have just but the money on Over 50 total points. When is Marvin Lewis going to get his next extension?

Oakland -3 vs. Cleveland
It’s everybody’s favorite day of the year, Fuck Ohio Day! After last week you pretty much have to bet against both of em.

Washington -4 vs. New York Giants
Four fucking points? Has Vegas been watching the Giants? The veterans might stage a walkout at the two minute warning. Rocky McIntosh is going to see to it that Eli Manning never procreates.

There you have it, my eight favorite games (it literally took me seconds to pick them out). Do with them what you will, just get in your action before sundown if you’re a shape-shifting Jew.

Welcome back to another week of your NFL gambling guide, Always Be Covering. Those of you who take this feature to heart probably recall that I went a combined 0-4 in last week’s picks. Readers sometimes forget that this is a humor site that leans heavily on satire, sarcasm, and dick jokes. Even my closest friends and family members have given me shit for making crappy picks. Granted, they may not be as savvy as our diehard fanbase (the emotionally stunted masses) but I assumed they knew better then to take this post seriously.

Well now they can, this week I’m going for gold. I have personally placed each one of these wagers prior to post time.

Note: For my regularly scheduled and relatively serious gambling tips remember to check out Gambling on the Amateurs over at Deadspin.

Alright people, this isn’t Rio fucking Rancho we’re working with today, these are the real deal, these are the Glengarry leads.

The “Fuck or Walk” Game of the Week
This is the big bet of the week. If I’m picking one game and I’m looking to double my pretzel monies this is the one I’d fuck with.

Risk 55 to win 52

Cincinnati -7 (-105) at Cleveland
Dear Bookmakers,

Sincerely,
The Maj

The Dave Moss Bet of Desperation
This is pretty much the opposite of the above bet. Moss’ desperation was evident but if he had one more shot he wouldn’t have to dupe Shelley into stealing the Glengarry leads. Instead, he could just blow his bankroll on a toss-up prop bet.

Risk 25 to win 21

Under 4 Total Sacks on Monday Night Football (-120)
Washington lost Jon Jansen and like any young quarterback with a big arm Jason Campbell takes too many sacks. Of course all of that is irrelevant. The Redskins are going to run the ball forty times and everybody knows their defense’s weakness is the pass rush. Couple that with the fact that they’ve never been able to touch McNabb and you’ve got yourself a winner (but a push is just as likely).

The Ricky Roma Special
I subscribe to the law of contrary public opinion… If everyone thinks one thing, then I say, bet the other way… -Ricky Roma

Risk 50 to win 50

Seattle -3 (EVEN) at Arizona
The Seahawks paying even money but Arizona is +3 at -120 (meaning you have to risk 120 to win 100) because the Buzzsaw looked soooo good on Monday. San Fran’s defense is a bit better with Patrick Wills and Nate Clements. So now they’re loose like Lindsay Lohan as opposed to being loose like Paris Hilton. Seattle’s just a bit more fresh, like Hayden Panettiere.

Shelley “The Machine” Levene’s Gotta Have It Teaser
Poor ol’ Shelley needs that one big score but he doesn’t have the balls to play things straight up. Note: All lines have been “teased” by six points (pays 9/5).

Risk 30 to win 54

St. Louis +3 vs. San Fransicso
Even without Orlando Pace there’s no chance they drop this one at home. Besides, San Francisco doesn’t have an edge rusher that can exploit his absence. But most importantly, Frank Gore looks like a sniveling little bitch next to the awesomeness of Stephen Jackson.

Oakland +16 at Denver
In two meetings last year Denver scored a combined 30 points. They didn’t win by more than ten in either game and Oakland’s defense looks just as strong this year. Ronald Curry is easily the best wide receiver/point guard in the NFL while Rob Ryan is the league’s premier defensive coordinator/sex symbol. That guy makes the ladies wetter than your mom when Ufford’s in the room.

Chicago -6.5 vs. Kansas City
I know I mentioned this last year, but it bears repeating. When in doubt, bet against any team coached by Herm Edwards. The Sex Cannon could win this game with his left hand while gripping the Lil’ Cannon with his throwing hand.

The Just For the Fuck of It Texas Southeastern Road Trip Parlay Super Bonus!
Risk 29 to win 75

Houston +7 at Carolina
aka Underrated +7 at Overrated. Yeah, I’m getting that tingly feeling too!

Dallas -4 at Miami
The Redskins played like crap and they still beat Miami by a field goal. They could play this game in thongs on the beach and I’d take those Cowboy fuckers. Besides, Trent Green would probably pull a Robert Edwards the second foot touched sand.

This post is for entertainment purposes only. Payouts may not be exact and lines are subject to change.

No Kevin, I will not let you blow me between takes.

Welcome back to another glorious season of Always Be Covering. Think of this as your source for the worst gambling advice you’ve heard since Krusty assured you that the Generals were due. In case you’re new here-or all of those bingers have destroyed your memory-I’ll let Blake give you a (re)introduction as to what we’re all about.

Now let’s build up these fucking bankrolls so we can make it rain on dem ho’s all season long (and contribute to Fisher House!)…

The “Fuck or Walk” Game of the Week
This is the big bet of the week. If I’m picking one game and a new condo’s down payment hangs in the balance, this is the one I’d fuck with.

Denver -3 at Buffalo
Normally I’d be banking on a 200 yard performance right out of the gate for Lee Evans, but Champ and ‘Dre don’t play that shit. As sickening as it may be, Denver is going to dominate teams this year (right up until the playoffs). I just hope Shanny doesn’t live to see it.

The Dave Moss Bet of Desperation
This is pretty much the opposite of the above bet. Moss was the most desperate man in an office that overflowed with pathetic despair. If he had one more shot he wouldn’t have to dupe Shelley into stealing the Glengarry leads, he’d just put everything he had on some toss-up prop bet.

Ahman Green OVER 78.5 yards rushing vs. Kansas City

Remember last year when Kansas City’s defense couldn’t tackle a dummy? Their big addition was Napoleon Harris and the last time I checked he was shittier than the bathrooms at Heinz Field. Ahman’s knees are fresh this time of year and even a few fumbles can’t hold him back.

The Ricky Roma Special
I subscribe to the law of contrary public opinion… If everyone thinks one thing, then I say, bet the other way… -Ricky Roma

New York Jets +6.5 vs. New England

Eh, why the fuck not?

Shelley “The Machine” Levene’s Gotta Have It Teaser
Poor ol’ Shelley needs that one big score but he doesn’t have the balls to play things straight up.

Note: All lines have been “teased” by six points (pays 3:1)

San Diego -.5 vs. Chicago
St. Louis +4.5 vs. Carolina
Philadelphia +3 at Green Bay
Minnesota +3 vs. Atlanta

Feel free to share your favorite picks in the comments. And remember, if you take my advice and lose it’s not because I was wrong, it’s because you’re a douchebag and this is fate’s way of shoving it right up your ass.

If can’t wait for Sunday be sure to check out my college picks over at Deadspin.

Thus far, the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $500 for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.