Welcome to the Week 16 edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s single least reliable picks column. There are only two weeks left in the regular season, and that means that there are only two opportunities left to put your money down against the Raiders. Seriously, what the fuck are you waiting for? Have you seen those fuckers play? Yeah, neither have I. But I’m told they suck with the ferocity of a cock-starved single mother. Continue after the jump for the picks and pics.

Pittsburgh -2 at Tennessee
No Haynesworth and no Vanden Bosch makes Tennessee go crappy. Hey, it feels kind of good to bet against the Titans. I should have tried this last week!

Houston -7 at Oakland
Tom Cable is to coaching as I am to football wagering. Well that’s not entirely true, I usually break even.

Minnesota -3 vs. Atlanta
Tarvaris has re-emerged from his cocoon of benchery as the greatest quarterback ever, dontcha know. Pat Williams is out, but Kevin Williams is eating for two this week. Jared Allen will play again despite his gimpy knee, and if you think he’s a mean drunk you should see him when he’s in pain.

Carolina +3 at New York Giants
I went back and forth on this game roughly six times (honestly, I put thought into it and everything!). Since I couldn’t make up my mind I just said fuck and took the points. Then I had some pie as a reward for my savvy prognostication. If God is on my side Brandon Jacobs will play one series and Fred Robbins will fuck up his shoulder after landing hard on Justin Tuck’s knee. It takes faith, people.

Enjoy the games, almost as much as you enjoy gathering the rosebuds off of these young ladies.

Top image via ClickMore’s Flickr stream of Yaz.

Well it’s week 14 and as of this morning my Bodog account is down $.20. So much like Pusha T after a particularly active night out in Virginia Beach, it’s time to re-up. But before we get to all of the fun gambling stuff, I’d like to present you with two very different music videos. The first, an original Sean Taylor tribute song presented by 93.9 WKYS, features an unreal lineup of singers and rappers highlighted by the likes of Raheem DeVaughn, Big G of Backyard Band (aka Slim Charles), the soon to be legendary Wale, and Miss Kim of Rare Essence. The track is produced by Jamil Face Johnson, and it is fucking amazing.

Now granted, that wasn’t all that “humorous” (setting aside the line that references the Michael Pittman spitting incident), so I’ll follow up with what might very well be the funniest music video ever created. I don’t know who these people are, but they make me extremely aroused.

That just happened.

On to the picks!

Indianapolis -14 vs. Cincinnati
Hey, I finally learned how to spell Cincinnati!

Philadelphia +7.5 at New York
There is far too much dick sucking going on in the Meadowlands these days. Oh and FYI, Antonio Pierce stashed the gun in the ski slope in that stupid fucking Xanadu thing knowing full well that it will never actually open to the public.

Atlanta and New Orleans OVER 51
It’s like rooting for both teams!

Pittsburgh -3 vs. Dallas
Hey Romo, you thought that pinkie injury hurt? The Steelers are going to tear your fucking arms off.

That’s all for this week, enjoy the games and stay sexy out there.

Second video via ShareBro Spencer.

Welcome, one and all, to a special mid-week edition of Always Be Covering. Today we’ll take a close examination of the Thanksgiving day (and night) offerings while thinking about eating some oyster stuffing from between that cheerleader’s tits. It’s a wonder that people even bother asking me what holiday I enjoy most. What do you think I’m going to say, Christmas? Fuck that. Continue after the jump for a special bet of the week.

Remember, this is a teaser bet, so the first person to tell me I got the line wrong will tarred and featherd. Then shot.

Tennessee -5 at Detroit
For years I’ve been screaming that the Lions have no business hosting the most important regular season football game of the year, and now that they are without a win my dream could come true. We can make this happen in our lifetimes with a little bit of help. All you have to do is NOT WATCH THE FUCKING GAME! I know it’s sacrilegious, but you must entertain your guests without the benefit of the NFL. As always, I recommend porn. Just pray that the Lions lose in typically embarrassing fashion, and pretend it never happened.

Seattle +19.5 at Dallas
Oh god, is this really the day’s marquee game? Shoot me in the scrotum with a pellet gun. Hopefully Dallas can do something to make it interesting. Like TO celebrating a touchdown with 27 pound turkey on his head. Then all the children can watch while a suddenly spry Wade Phillips begins chasing he and the delicious bird all over Texas Stadium with a fork in one hand and his cock in the other.

Philadelphia +3.5 vs. Arizona
Ah, the best game of the day, and an intriguing storyline to boot. Of course most of you will be passed out from all that turkey and whiskey to pay any attention. I myself will be at the oddly scheduled Wizards game while this one is going on. You’ll be able to spot me because I’ll be the one fast asleep by the second quarter.

Enjoy your holiday weekend, and remember, if a loved one tells you to slow down as you stuff your face with your second turkey leg and fifth glass of wine you are morally obligated to tell said concerned party to shut their fucking mouth before ordering them to get you more potatoes.

Welcome to another edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s worst gambling advice column. Hopefully you’ve gathered by now that KSK isn’t in the “information” business. See what separates us from other gambling advice columns is that other gambling advice columns are gambling advice columns. Sure, sometimes my picks will be absolutely perfect, but then there are occasions like last week where I managed to go a staggering 0 for 7, which is kind of perfect in it’s own imperfect way. Regardless, I feel bad that I may have steered some of you in the wrong direction last week, so I’ll make my amends after the jump.

Before we get to the picks of the week, here’s one sexy Florida based cheerleader for each of the seven games I butchered last week…

Hopefully now we can all move on and enjoy another perfect week of picks. In order to ensure this, I’m putting all of my eggs in Peyton Manning’s bursa sac in what is surely the tastiest line of the weekend.

Indianapolis +3 at San Diego

Really? Yeah, I’ll fuck with that. Both teams have been crap against the spread, but at least the Colts are, you know, playing well and shit. Peyton finally looks healthy and Marvin Harrison might not be turning into football’s version of post-2002 Bernie Williams after all. Huzzah! Try not to be overly influenced by San Diego’s vaunted home field advantage or Marmalard’s epic arm strength (flooooat!), because the Chargers are one big bowl of suck. Rivers has tossed four interceptions in the past two games after throwing just four in the season’s first six weeks.

Okay fine, I don’t really know why the fuck I’m bothering with these retarded statistics, none of it fucking matters, no matter what your fancy record may indicate. What we know is that lines are based on how people will bet, and in general people are fucking stupid, especially the ones betting on football every week. So when in doubt I’m just going to put all of my money on the better team playing better football against a team coached by Norv Turner. I don’t need to follow some weak-ass scientific method to know how this is going to turn out. The Colts will probably make the spread moot by stomping the Chargers.

But what if they don’t? Well then you can expect some serious sexiness in this space next week, followed by my pleas for a quick cash loan.

Seriously though, can I borrow some money? It’s not like you need it, I mean how many copies of Men With Balls can one shut-in possibly read? Hey, you know what? I happen to have a few extra copies lying around. Maybe you’d like to purchase them from me directly for cents on the dollar. Sure they don’t have any “covers” on them, but shit, I need the money and you need to know how various athletes fuck. And hey, one of them is even autographed! Unfortunately it’s Drew’s signature instead of somebody, you know, important.

Fuck.

I really wish this day had never come.

There’s no doubt that it’s a day to be celebrated, but it also reminds us of what we’ll be missing.

No, I’m not talking about the Super Bowl. I’m obviously talking about the debut of Prescription Vending Machines in the state of California.

Anyways, let’s get on to the bet of the year…

I don’t really feel like going back into the archives to see how many teasers I’ve lost this year, but I trust one of you fuckwads will take up the task yourselves. Yeah, teasers are crappy bets and I still don’t fucking care.

Am I some sort of expert gambler?
No.

Have I won any money this season?
Probably not.

Do I sound like David Lookner?
Absolutely!

Alright, fuck it all. Here’s the bet…

New England -5.5 vs. New York
Total Score Over 48.5

Yep, it’s that easy. Enjoy the game everybody. Oh, and don’t bother with work on Monday. That’s for the womenfolk.

So help me God, the first person who comments to tell me I got the line wrong will have the corpse of their most recently deceased relative violated in a most unseemly manor.

Image via America’s Next Pot Model

Here it is, 4 games teased by 6 points (the first commenter to say that I got the line wrong will be hooked up to the KSK Genital Electrocution Machine (GEM)…patent pending.
Risking 40 to win 120

Kansas City +3 vs. Denver

Jay Cutler is going to start, and some people are actually pretending that this matters. He’s a bum (but Stan’s dad thinks he might be good one day) and Kansas City’s pass rush will probably put his busted ass in the locker room. They don’t even need Larry Johnson. Denver’s rush defense will resurrect Priest Holmes, if only for an afternoon.

Buffalo +4 at Miami

The Bills are fucking gold. They’re the shitty Patriots of covering the spread. Their only two non-covers came on the road, but this is a teased game with Miami. The chances of the team plane taking a header into the Keys are just slightly lower than Miami beating anybody by more than a field goal.

New Orleans -6 vs. St. Louis

See, this is why I love teasers! New Orleans lost four in a row, and now they’ve won four in a row. If you follow the pattern it’s quite obvious that they’re going to win this week. On a completely unrelated note, I got a 650 on the SAT.

Indianapolis +2 at San Diego

Wow, this teaser is pure unadulterated gold. This advice might be more valuable than a healthy set of lungs on the black market (Marv Levy is looking to make a buy). San Diego is pretty good, but their coach is a fucking joke and their quarterback is that douche from Fashionable Male. If Indy loses two straight I’ll give up masturbation for a month.

Good luck, as if you need it!

Now who wants to make a side bet that Herm Edwards completely fucks me out of this teaser?

Bonus Commenter Debate!

Over/Under on the total number of segments involving the Patriots on the five (ESPN, CBS, FOX, NBC, NFL) Sunday preview/recap shows despite their bye week: 4

So who ya got?

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/11/teasers-never-lose-three-times-in-row.html/feed 25