Hey, it’s another week where we woolly headed, scatter-brained, slugabed jackasses at KSK forgot to post the Meast and Least awards until Thursday or Friday. I hope not too many of you killed yourselves in lieu of enduring the wait.

Usually, if one of us feels like putting in a modicum of effort, there’s an introductory rant about some particular annoyance that’s pissing off the author. I don’t have a singular target worthy of an extended tirade at the ready, so instead here’s a grab bag of obnoxious miscellany that’s momentarily stirred me to tepid anger.

- Why is AMC still not available in HD on my satellite package? I want my “Walking Dead” zombies to have sharply defined rotting flesh. Let’s get with it, guys!
- Denise Milani will never show her tits. What is the meaning of life?
- My bank just got taken over by another bank. This new bank forced all its new customers to use its debit card. So I’ve gotten about two dozen warning e-mails from shit I even forgot I’m signed up for asking me to update my payment information. It’s like I just moved and don’t even get the benefit of being somewhere else. Don’t you just hate that?
- I forgot to buy pumpkin Pop Tarts this week. I wanted to try them, but who cares they’re probably not good anyway. We’re all gonna die someday.
- What happened to Tonic? Isn’t high time they released another album where one song is good and the rest is the sounds of a trepan on an infant’s skull?
- How did pumpkin become the official flavor of fall? Yeah, I know, Thanksgiving and Halloween and shit. But there are a lot of cookouts in the summer and I’m not seeing any hamburger flavored beer at the Total Wine. Do they serve pumpkin Pop Tarts in purgatory?
- This f*cking Scott Pilgrim XBox game I downloaded is hard as shit and I only am able to beat it on the lowest difficulty. What a pussy I am.
- I only run errands on weekdays after boxing class because it’s probably the only time I’m leaving the house, which means I’m as sweaty as Andy Reid is any particular context. Sometimes I bring an extra shirt to change in the car if I have to go in a store. But sometimes I don’t even bother doing that. For a while, I got annoyed by the leering looks from the cashiers, but then I went in stores where persistent clerks would normally bother you about needing help. They don’t bother the sweaty guy, though. I like that.

That should do. On with the meaningless awards!

Your Meast for this week is DeAngelo Hall, which brings me no joy because he’s a pain in the ass, but he did intercept Jay Cutler an NFL-record-tying four times in the Redskins victory over the Bears. After the game, Jay Cutler claimed he would have kept throwing it at Hall if he had the chance, which is like this little girl being asked if she would keep yelling “Go!” at the dog and answering with an emphatic “FU*K YEAH BRING IT! BWAAH!”

We also considered both Darren McFadden and Kenny Britt for enraging fantasy owners by putting up huge performances while firmly entrenched on your bench. Do be sure to start them this week when they combine for seven total points.

Your Least for Week 7 is Drew Brees, who somehow threw four interceptions at home against Cleveland. Don’t worry about Breesus though, because I’m dead certain he’s going to rebound and go 25-29 for 350 yards and three touchdowns against Pittsburgh on Sunday night because God wants His quarterback son to do well against Devil Shirt Ben.

Also receiving consideration were Jay Cutler (of course) and Chris Gronkowski, for whiffing on a block and causing his quarterback to miss pretty much the entire remainder of the season. Just say you did it for the Photoshops. That’s what I’ll tell the cops one day.

DeAngelo Hall: Can someone just explain this to me. Just take a minute and break this down for me, real basic-like – How does someone drop off from a 93 to a 68 IN ONE YEAR!? A year ago, I was 93 in Madden. All right, all right – I had a bad go with the Raiders. I didn’t fit their system. I can understand a slight dropoff. But you’re telling me I lost a quarter of my ability in one year? ONE YEAR!? Get outta here with that sheeit.

You know what? That’s cool. I’mma do me. Bust my ass this year. You’ll see. Get ready for The Takeover. We gonna see who’s a 68 level corner. NOT ME, THAT’S FOR GOT DAMN SURE.

Ethan Albright: Hey, hey, take it easy. I know where you’re coming from. A few years back they had me as the lowest rated player in the game. I mean, I know have very specialized skills, but I do them well. There’s no way I was the worst player in the league. I showed them, I went to a Pro Bowl later on. I’ll admit that at the time, it honked me off good. But you gotta remember, it’s all about perception. These programming guys, they don’t play the game. They don’t know how to scout talent and who’s really good. They’re a bunch of dorks who spend all their time watching cartoons and eating strawberried peanut butter M&M’s.

Hall: So how’m I supposed to get that perception back in my favor?

Albright: You have to do something to appeal to the dorks.

Hall: Keyboard cat playing me off the field?

Albright: I don’t know if that’s gonna cast you in a better light. I took a different approach, something wholly different from the football field. I did a voice on South Park.

Yep, I did the voice of Scott Tenorman on South Park. Legendary show in the series. Got me nerd cred like you wouldn’t believe. And look, I’m not the lowest rated player in the game anymore.

Hall: Hmm. That’s interesting. But here’s the thing: I’ve already done some of that. I was a voice on the popular Saturday morning cartoon show “C Bear and Jamal.”

It was like Bebe’s Kids, if they didn’t say any bad words and had a sassy talking bear that helped them in their adventures. I even tried to have the show called D-Hall and Jamal. It was a trip. That does sound better though, right?

Albright: Little bit.

Hall: That’s what I said!

Listen, I was just messing with you. I didn’t voice any cartoon character. A bunch of blogs wrote about my low rating and I’m sure those programming dudes read a bunch blogs and so they rectified it in the next year’s installment

Hall: Yeah, I didn’t do any voice acting for any cartoons either.

Albright: I can tell. It says “Starring Tone Loc” right there on the box.

[Beat]

So why do you carry around the box, anyway?

Hall: This is what I spend my time watching instead of playing Madden. ‘Cause they bumped my score down.

Albright: Wouldn’t that time be better spent practicing or hitting the gym?

Hall: Damn, dude. You sound just like Lane Kiffin.

Albright: THAT’S WHY I GET A 99 IN MADDEN VOICE ACTING AND YOU DON’T, BITCH!

The Axis of Dipshittery strikes again.

So this morning I woke up to news that the Redskins have inked both Albert “Stubblefield 2.0″ Haynesworth and DeAngelo Hall to long-term contracts worth a combined $155 million, $64 million of which is guaran-damn-teed.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, ASSHOLES? HAVE WE NOT BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE? ARE YOU FUCKING SCHMUCKS TRYING TO FUCK US IN THE ASS FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS? COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER FAILING THEME PARK? DOES IT EVEN BOTHER YOU THAT EVERY VETERAN IN THE LEAGUE LOOKS UPON YOUR FRANCHISE AS A PLACE TO COME GET PAID BEFORE TANKING FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS? WHY DON’T YOU FUCKERS GO TAKE A FEW DOZEN SPINS ON THE BATMAN RIDE AT SIX FLAGS OVER GEORGIA?

With all that being said, WE HAVE THE BEST D-TACKLE IN THE GAME AND WE’RE GOING TO THE FUCKIN’ SUPER BOWL, WOOOOOOOOO! WHO’S WITH ME?

“I’M WITH YA, MAJ! BOOK THE PLANE TICKETS, MA, WE’RE PLAYIN’ ON SUPER SUNDEEEEEEE!”

Kill me.

Update: My man Wale weighs in on the overnight signings via Twitter: “i love hall…i think hes great…i just feel like we need an effective reciver to go with moss..randel el isnt whats hot in the streets”

So very true.

Cotchery, you motherfucking motherfucker. I been ownin’ your ass all day. All day, sucka! You ain’t gettin’ no more shit on 2-1 today. Wait, fuck, I wear 23 now. When the fuck did that happen? I’m still wearing that Free Mike Vick t-shirt underneath. Man, how did he get his ass in jail? Too bad he doesn’t think the way I think.

There’s the snap! Come on, Jericho, you biblical bitch! Try and run a go on me, you fuckass fuck! Looks like that white guy is throwing it deep. Mike Vick never threw it deep.

Hey, why’s Jehovah cutting underneath? Ball’s going this way, fool. Oh shit, I think I can get to this one. This is like returning a punt, except I’m running backwards. Like a chinchilla or some shit. Like downhill or somethin’. I’mma plow like 50 bitches tonight if I can run this back to the house. 

Damn, that ball’s hanging up there forever. What’s everybody doing after the game, I wonder? I know this great rib joint that just opened up. It’s like right by my house. I might even be able to walk there. Hey, maybe McCain could clean up Washington. Square roots are the dumbest thing ever. Hey, I think this ball’s coming down. I don’t see any snow on it. What city are we in?

Got it! Fire, baby! Taking this to the house! Mike Vick never picked anybody off before! But he never really played defense. Except after HE threw a pick. Goddamn, I wish I could’ve played against him. I’d have like 500 more picks or something. Oh, shit, I’m gonna get hit. When did I get so blurry?

Yeah! First down! Come on, other black quarterback! You can do it!