DeAngelo Hall: Can someone just explain this to me. Just take a minute and break this down for me, real basic-like – How does someone drop off from a 93 to a 68 IN ONE YEAR!? A year ago, I was 93 in Madden. All right, all right – I had a bad go with the Raiders. I didn’t fit their system. I can understand a slight dropoff. But you’re telling me I lost a quarter of my ability in one year? ONE YEAR!? Get outta here with that sheeit.

You know what? That’s cool. I’mma do me. Bust my ass this year. You’ll see. Get ready for The Takeover. We gonna see who’s a 68 level corner. NOT ME, THAT’S FOR GOT DAMN SURE.

Ethan Albright: Hey, hey, take it easy. I know where you’re coming from. A few years back they had me as the lowest rated player in the game. I mean, I know have very specialized skills, but I do them well. There’s no way I was the worst player in the league. I showed them, I went to a Pro Bowl later on. I’ll admit that at the time, it honked me off good. But you gotta remember, it’s all about perception. These programming guys, they don’t play the game. They don’t know how to scout talent and who’s really good. They’re a bunch of dorks who spend all their time watching cartoons and eating strawberried peanut butter M&M’s.

Hall: So how’m I supposed to get that perception back in my favor?

Albright: You have to do something to appeal to the dorks.

Hall: Keyboard cat playing me off the field?

Albright: I don’t know if that’s gonna cast you in a better light. I took a different approach, something wholly different from the football field. I did a voice on South Park.

Yep, I did the voice of Scott Tenorman on South Park. Legendary show in the series. Got me nerd cred like you wouldn’t believe. And look, I’m not the lowest rated player in the game anymore.

Hall: Hmm. That’s interesting. But here’s the thing: I’ve already done some of that. I was a voice on the popular Saturday morning cartoon show “C Bear and Jamal.”

It was like Bebe’s Kids, if they didn’t say any bad words and had a sassy talking bear that helped them in their adventures. I even tried to have the show called D-Hall and Jamal. It was a trip. That does sound better though, right?

Albright: Little bit.

Hall: That’s what I said!

Listen, I was just messing with you. I didn’t voice any cartoon character. A bunch of blogs wrote about my low rating and I’m sure those programming dudes read a bunch blogs and so they rectified it in the next year’s installment

Hall: Yeah, I didn’t do any voice acting for any cartoons either.

Albright: I can tell. It says “Starring Tone Loc” right there on the box.

[Beat]

So why do you carry around the box, anyway?

Hall: This is what I spend my time watching instead of playing Madden. ‘Cause they bumped my score down.

Albright: Wouldn’t that time be better spent practicing or hitting the gym?

Hall: Damn, dude. You sound just like Lane Kiffin.

Albright: THAT’S WHY I GET A 99 IN MADDEN VOICE ACTING AND YOU DON’T, BITCH!

The Axis of Dipshittery strikes again.

So this morning I woke up to news that the Redskins have inked both Albert “Stubblefield 2.0″ Haynesworth and DeAngelo Hall to long-term contracts worth a combined $155 million, $64 million of which is guaran-damn-teed.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, ASSHOLES? HAVE WE NOT BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE? ARE YOU FUCKING SCHMUCKS TRYING TO FUCK US IN THE ASS FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS? COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER FAILING THEME PARK? DOES IT EVEN BOTHER YOU THAT EVERY VETERAN IN THE LEAGUE LOOKS UPON YOUR FRANCHISE AS A PLACE TO COME GET PAID BEFORE TANKING FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS? WHY DON’T YOU FUCKERS GO TAKE A FEW DOZEN SPINS ON THE BATMAN RIDE AT SIX FLAGS OVER GEORGIA?

With all that being said, WE HAVE THE BEST D-TACKLE IN THE GAME AND WE’RE GOING TO THE FUCKIN’ SUPER BOWL, WOOOOOOOOO! WHO’S WITH ME?

“I’M WITH YA, MAJ! BOOK THE PLANE TICKETS, MA, WE’RE PLAYIN’ ON SUPER SUNDEEEEEEE!”

Kill me.

Update: My man Wale weighs in on the overnight signings via Twitter: “i love hall…i think hes great…i just feel like we need an effective reciver to go with moss..randel el isnt whats hot in the streets”

So very true.

Hall intercepted Brett Favre in the fourth quarter of the Raiders-Jets game yesterday. This is exactly what he was thinking.

Cotchery, you motherfucking motherfucker. I been ownin’ your ass all day. All day, sucka! You ain’t gettin’ no more shit on 2-1 today. Wait, fuck, I wear 23 now. When the fuck did that happen? I’m still wearing that Free Mike Vick t-shirt underneath. Man, how did he get his ass in jail? Too bad he doesn’t think the way I think.

There’s the snap! Come on, Jericho, you biblical bitch! Try and run a go on me, you fuckass fuck! Looks like that white guy is throwing it deep. Mike Vick never threw it deep.

Hey, why’s Jehovah cutting underneath? Ball’s going this way, fool. Oh shit, I think I can get to this one. This is like returning a punt, except I’m running backwards. Like a chinchilla or some shit. Like downhill or somethin’. I’mma plow like 50 bitches tonight if I can run this back to the house. 

Damn, that ball’s hanging up there forever. What’s everybody doing after the game, I wonder? I know this great rib joint that just opened up. It’s like right by my house. I might even be able to walk there. Hey, maybe McCain could clean up Washington. Square roots are the dumbest thing ever. Hey, I think this ball’s coming down. I don’t see any snow on it. What city are we in?

Got it! Fire, baby! Taking this to the house! Mike Vick never picked anybody off before! But he never really played defense. Except after HE threw a pick. Goddamn, I wish I could’ve played against him. I’d have like 500 more picks or something. Oh, shit, I’m gonna get hit. When did I get so blurry?

Yeah! First down! Come on, other black quarterback! You can do it!