As you know, the Patriots gang-raped Tennessee 59-0 on Sunday. Tom Brady threw for six touchdowns that day, which naturally led us to wonder if he should be named Meast of the Week. I mean, damn. Six touchdowns. AND HE DID IT IN OW-UH FACKIN’ THROWBACKS, THE CLASSIEST THROWBACKS IN THE FACKIN’ WARLD! Practically mandates he be named King Measty.

And we were prepared to do that, until we got the following email. This comes to us from a Daniel Steele, almost certainly from parts Massachusettsian. The subject line was “Mest of the week”. We also would have accepted Bort of the Week. If Daniel didn’t attend Holy Cross, I don’t know which way is up. All spelling and grammatical errors here are, of course, SIC:

Dear faggets-

I would like to nominate Tom Brady for Meast of the Week. i know you cumsuckers are anti New england fans and probably will just delete my email…

Or post it for all to ridicule. You should really play out these scenarios in advance, Daniel.

…but the numbers he put up on sUnday werre AMAZINNNG!!!! And not just for one game, but should win the award for the first half alone. He did more in 1 half then most qb’s do in 3 weeks:

59 Most points in a game

NOTE: Not an actual NFL record.

45 Most points in a half (fi rst half)

35 Most points in a quarter (second quarter)

Again, not a record.

619 Most total net yards in a game

426 Most passing net yards in a game (tie)

No. Not a record. He must be talking about Patriot team records, in which case I REALLY don’t give a shit.

8 Most touchdowns in a game (tie)

Again, not a record, not even a tie for a record.

345 Most passing yards in a half (Tom Brady)

6 Most passing touchdowns in a game (Brady, tie)

Again, not a record.

5 Most touchdown passes in a quarter (Brady)

59-0 Ties the largest shutout victory by an NFL team

Nope.

…and the largest margin of victory since the 1970 AFL-NFL merger. The LA Rams defeated Atlanta 59-0 on Dec. 4, 1976.

Everyone talks about how the yankees (they suck!)

Get out. They suck? Lemme just amend their 10-1 victory from last night then. If I scratch out the one there… 0-1. There. ANGELS WIN. SUCKINESS CONFIRMED.

have ahigh powered offence in baseball, well the Patriots are the REAL DEAL in football. And we will be the best agin this year irregardless of what you queer bloggers think!

Go Pats, Tom Brady should win your stupid award this week!!

Well Daniel, NO. NO. Tom Brady isn’t winning our pointless award this week, or ever. NEVER, THANKS TO THIS EMAIL. Even if he manages to break ACTUAL records, we still won’t give him the award. Even if the Patriots beat every team 59-0 for the rest of the fucking year, and Tom Brady somehow manages to invent the flying hoverboard, we STILL won’t give it to him. Why don’t you go the fuck home, throw on a beanie, read Barstool
Sports, and shove your Parliaments up your ass, Packy Boy. Your Meast of the Week is Eddie fucking Royal.

Two return TDs against the Chargers. Say, what do you know? That ties a REAL NFL RECORD! Good job, Eddie! You’re totally the best! No one comes close to matching your meastiness this week! I could NOT think of a better, more deserving candidate. We should give it to you every week.

Oh, and your Least of the Week is the entire Titans roster. Of course you won 59-0, Patriots fans. The Titans couldn’t be worse if you gunned them all down in their sleep. YOUR VICTORY CLEARLY SHOULDN’T EVEN COUNT. IT WAS THE RESULT OF SHEER LUCK OF FACING A LIFELESS OPPONENT. I AM CASUALLY DISMISSING YOUR TRIUMPH AS BOSTON FANS WOULD THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF A TEAM THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN.

Suck on that, Daniel.